AIBU to be a bit irritated that my managers have made comments on my hair and nails?

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

I am in a senior position in a company and am in line for a promotion.

As part of this process I am getting a lot of “constructive feedback” from my line managers on how I perform my role. I am absolutely comfortable with this in principle and some of it is helpful but some of it feels subjective, personal and sometimes a bit unkind. For example a lot of micromanagement of how I appear: comments of my “sense of authority” etc. I understand that this is meant constructively and it’s their prerogative as my employer and I have gone along with everything that they have said with a positive attitude but I privately feel that some of it is petty and trivial and a bit spiteful.

The latest “feedback” request has taken me aback; my managers requested (via a third party) that I need to spend more money on my hair and nails to be promotion worthy.

For context: it’s a client facing role and presentation absolutely is important, no question and I totally accept that. I dress professionally at all times (eg Reiss suits with laundered shirts in winter, smart dress and jacket in warm weather.) I have never been accused of looking scruffy or unprofessional. My hair is a neutral colour, shoulder length and always brushed and maintained: I usually get highlights and a trim once every six weeks. I wear smart shoes apart from on my commute when I wear trainers.

I do have manicures sometimes (mainly once every six weeks). I don’t have the time to do them more frequently than this but my nails are well kept.

By the same token it’s a professional job and not one where aesthetics or style are core to the role. It’s not fashion or a creative job where a sense of fashion awareness is part of the “brand”. My counterparts wear clothes that are similar to mine.

I feel a bit uncomfortable with this. I’m absolutely fine with being reminded that presentation is important but it feels as if this is straying into the territory of communicating to me that I am not attractive enough for the role and I can’t help thinking that my male counterparts are unlikely to be told they need to spend more on hair and nails.

AIBU? Do I just need to take this on the chin? Or am I right to feel a bit offended?

So she wants you to be more "glossy looking " like her.

I'm surprised she doesn't want you to wear very high heels too.

I'd definitely do an email to her to ask exactly what she wants you to do.

YANBU

See if they are stupid enough to put this ‘feedback’ in writing to you….then keep incase you need evidence in the future.

I manage a team in professional services where clients are C-Suite execs. There would need to be REALLY serious grooming problems before I’d dream if mentioning it…

It is unfortunate that this still goes on, but I guess things do not change. I work in an office and feel like most women are not told how to look unless it is offensive or distracting. I can sort of understand if it is for a job in the service industry where your appearance may be the first impression that customers have. Even then, I not not think that is the right thing to say to an employee.

"Dear loaded bosslady,

Thank you ever so much for the feedback through Sue on what I need to work on to be eligible for that promotion.

I have taken on board your suggestion that I spend more money on my hair and nails, and would like to clarify which hair and nail styles and colours would be appropriate for someone in my position.

I already spend £X on 6-weekly hair trimming and hilights, and £X on my manicure, which up until now has been manageable and pro rata with others on or around my annual salary of £X.

I look forward to working harder towards this promotion and again thank you for your feedback,

Employee"

Or something similar but written a million times better than what I've put.

Seriously, not on at all. Would she say it to a man?

My DIL had this, she was in law mid twenties. When she got pregnant her boss was awful when her pregnancy became cumbersome. Out went the fitted suits and LaBoutin shoes, in came maternity skirts, flats and cardigans in the office. He wouldn't allow her in court any longer.

Do they give you a personal appearance budget line bonus?

If they want you to spend more money on your hair and nails then I would be telling them they can give you this extra money as part of your salary. I would then be preparing my CV and looking for a new job.

In fairness the court rules are pretty strict. Even the sloppiest dresses made sure they were smart in court

@7594802340user Yay!!! I love Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, hadn't realised it was now on Netflix. I've been watching lots of ancient DCC series on MTV. I like Kelli better than Judy.
Sorry all for going off on a tangent from the thread.

I cannot believe what I am reading. You are groomed in a neutral and tidy way. If you are good at your job, that is all that should matter.

There was always the perennial BO guy at work, that had to be handled as everyone was choking but that should be as far as it goes

100%. You said it’s from a third party so I’d go one step further when asking for clarification. I’d email the person who supposedly originally said it and copy in the person who passed it on to you. As someone else on this thread said, the person delivering the message to you might be shit stirring.

I knew it was from a woman straight away. I cannot imagine a man commenting on the self described professional appearance of the OP.

I read this as professionally laundered I.e. starched, bright white and perfectly pressed.

They haven’t asked OP to spend more money, they’ve asked her to LOOK more expensive. Given the schedule of maintenance already, I would think they are hoping for a change of style rather than just upping spend.

I doubt you have a union but you could speak to a solicitor.

I hate to disagree with some on here, but if it is a good job and OP needs this job it may be a good idea not to cause a fuss at this time. Employers can often get rid of employees pretty easily at first and may do so if there is push back. I know it is not right, but we sometimes have to tolerate less than ideal circumstances in the name of employment. With that said, I am sorry that this still happens to us in the workplace.

From the OP: “my managers requested (via a third party) that I need to spend more money on my hair and nails to be promotion worthy.”

What the fuck am I reading?
Honestly, I can't comprehend this.

I don't work in a 'professional' environment, so I'm not accustomed to this shit.

My DH has had umpteen promotions in his career, which is great...

That said, his hairstyle is a bit crap. He goes to a barber every couple of months, and pays £9 for his usual short back and sides.

His fingernails are clean enough - but I'm pretty certain that their presentation hasn't impacted upon his career trajectory?

Nobody has ever raised any issue with his hair or nails, in the 29 years since he graduated.

Can someone explain this to me?

Fucking hell. What is she going to ask for next? Fake tan? Lip filler? Botox? BBL?

This is sex discrimination. No question. Hard to prove if conveyed to you via a third party. Was it by message or verbally?

Try to get it in writing without raising suspicion, e.g. a friendly, brief email to the person who’s supposed to have said it, saying you’ve heard the hair and nails is an expectation and innocently asking what you should do to meet this. It boxes them in.

They’ll either have to assure you this isn’t the case or they’ll inadvertently provide evidence of sex discrimination by confirming the expectation around hair and nails.

If they speak to you instead, indicating it is expected, send a brief, friendly follow-up confirming what was said, e.g. ‘thanks for clarifying with me that I should have manicured nails and xx hair to have the best chance of promotion. It’s helpful, as I’m v keen to be promoted’. Again, boxes them in.

BC the emails to your personal account. Join a union and get advice. Start looking for another job. The sexism test is v simple: would it happen to a man? If the answer’s no, it’s sexism.

I thought it would be, yes.

Do you want to continue working there?

It’s a well paid job and I think they think it can be covered out of salary. Tbh the money isn’t really my issue. It’s the sexism and the slightly unpleasant feeling that I am “not quite right” to look at even though I dress professionally and spend a fair bit of time and money on grooming as it is.

@EdithBond

This is sex discrimination. No question. Hard to prove if conveyed to you via a third party. Was it by message or verbally?

It was done verbally and the person who delivered this to me looked visibly uncomfortable with it. She was very professional but made it clear through her demeanour and choice of words she was just the messenger etc and it wasn’t she would have recommended.

Should I clarify through her or through the boss do you think?

This is unacceptable. But on a practical note - what could you even do differently if you already have six-weekly hair and nail appointments? Outrageous comment.