AIBU to be a bit irritated that my managers have made comments on my hair and nails?

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

I am in a senior position in a company and am in line for a promotion.

As part of this process I am getting a lot of “constructive feedback” from my line managers on how I perform my role. I am absolutely comfortable with this in principle and some of it is helpful but some of it feels subjective, personal and sometimes a bit unkind. For example a lot of micromanagement of how I appear: comments of my “sense of authority” etc. I understand that this is meant constructively and it’s their prerogative as my employer and I have gone along with everything that they have said with a positive attitude but I privately feel that some of it is petty and trivial and a bit spiteful.

The latest “feedback” request has taken me aback; my managers requested (via a third party) that I need to spend more money on my hair and nails to be promotion worthy.

For context: it’s a client facing role and presentation absolutely is important, no question and I totally accept that. I dress professionally at all times (eg Reiss suits with laundered shirts in winter, smart dress and jacket in warm weather.) I have never been accused of looking scruffy or unprofessional. My hair is a neutral colour, shoulder length and always brushed and maintained: I usually get highlights and a trim once every six weeks. I wear smart shoes apart from on my commute when I wear trainers.

I do have manicures sometimes (mainly once every six weeks). I don’t have the time to do them more frequently than this but my nails are well kept.

By the same token it’s a professional job and not one where aesthetics or style are core to the role. It’s not fashion or a creative job where a sense of fashion awareness is part of the “brand”. My counterparts wear clothes that are similar to mine.

I feel a bit uncomfortable with this. I’m absolutely fine with being reminded that presentation is important but it feels as if this is straying into the territory of communicating to me that I am not attractive enough for the role and I can’t help thinking that my male counterparts are unlikely to be told they need to spend more on hair and nails.

AIBU? Do I just need to take this on the chin? Or am I right to feel a bit offended?

I’d so want to thank them for the advice and ask how frequently other senior managers have manicures and who they recommend. But probably a bit too adversarial.

First, things first. I’m not an employment law adviser. I really recommend you join a union to get advice and in case you need representation later, e.g. to bring a grievance.

You don’t need to have a recognised workplace union to join. You can join a union that covers your profession directly. The subs aren’t usually much and you get many benefits, including cheap deals and helping other women being treated unlawfully at work. The TUC website should be helpful in finding an appropriate union. Or try getting advice from Citizens Advice: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/discrimination/discrimination-because-of-sex-or-sexual-orientation/discrimination-because-of-sex/.

For now, be in evidence-collecting mode. Make an accurate note of the conversation with the date and time. It’s best to deal with your line manager. So, if they were the person who told you, email them. If they weren’t, depends on the context and your relationship with the ‘originator’. But if you can get away with emailing them without arousing suspicion you’re onto them, then do that. Keep it brief and innocent, i.e. you’re keen to be promoted so could you find out more about the expectations on nails and hair.

Also, if any men have recently been promoted, could you have a chat with them and ask if hair or nails were mentioned? You need evidence they were treated differently.

Never indicate you accept you should focus on your hair and nails. Simply say things like ‘Thank you, that’s helpful’. Because it is helpful as proof they’re acting illegally! Don’t mention discrimination until you’ve sought advice about how to proceed.

How you proceed depends on the outcome you want. If you really want to stay at the company, or have to until you get another job, then tread carefully. Best case scenario is they reassure you it’s not the case and you get the promotion. But if this has been conveyed to you by a senior manager and the only HR presence is one person who’s overseas, they don’t sound like a good company that takes employment law seriously. That means they could treat you unfairly in other ways.

So, if it were me, I’d look to move on to a better company and get advice on claiming compensation for ‘constructive dismissal’ on the basis of sex discrimination. It’s important to protect yourself but not let this sort of practice go unchallenged. It’s not the 1950s and women have fought long and hard for employment rights and to be treated fairly at work. A woman’s competence at work is NOTHING to do with nails and hair. I’m in a senior job where I’m regularly in Parliament and I’ve never had a manicure in my life. Good luck 💪

Ask them to confirm this in writing
Join a union
Lodge a grievance

I think @theonlygirl is right – they are manufacturing issues now that they can use as reasons not to promote you. This could be easily twisted into "cannot take constructive criticism" if you don't suddenly come to work looking like J-Lo.

This is dreadful. It stinks of ageism and sexism.

I work in law and have never seen anyone spoken too about their appearance except for once. In that case the woman had a very sexualised way of dressing (very low cut tops and short skirts) that didn't look professional and was making people feel uncomfortable. I can't imagine anyone being told to get their nails done more often.

The advice to try to get it in writing and asking the men in a similar position if they were told the same is good. I'd be very concerned that your manager is not on your side.

This is so important.

I would give them feedback constructively and question their EDI training as asking for a criteria not universally applied is sexist.

This is unbelievable, misogynistic bullshit. If you can be arsed, pander to it by expensing the hair and nails (they want it, they can pay!), secure the promotion and then sue the arseholes for sexual discrimination based on your new, higher, salary. Then find a job working for a company that isn't run by fucktards.

@EdithBond

Thank you. My industry isn’t unionised (and in fact unions are frowned upon so joining one would probably provoke negative backlash). I have a member of a union in the past and have frankly been underwhelmed with their ability to deal with things like this effectively. So I don’t think this is likely to be productive.

But comments from you and others are a bit of a wake up call that I need to tackle this issue and not just assume that every piece of “feedback” is intended to be constructive.

I am going to seek clarification from the person who delivered this message to me and ask my boss to provide me with written guidance: I think that’s a good way of crystallising whether this is a serious grievance against me or a throwaway bit of bitchiness.

This is insane and quite unbelievable in this day and age. I’m on the promotion path for a very senior grade in one of the industries you mentioned earlier (City type). Not once has my “presentation” ever come up. If it did the company (large and prestigious) know they would be well and truly screwed. I am scruffier now than I was in the 90s when it was still power suits and stilettos. I have never in my life had a manicure. I get paid and (if I do) promoted because of what I do not how I look. I am livid on your behalf. Keep everything in writing, log notes for all of the verbal discussions and email back meeting summaries on the grooming advice ones especially (“hi Kate, thanks for a very constructive meeting. Just sharing my notes from the meeting, please let me know if there is anything else to want to add”). If you don’t get promoted get an employment lawyer. If you do get promoted get the hell out of there. Good luck.
PS you sound amazing by the way and they are lucky to have you

Similar, in fact if anything I think the women in stilettos and a big blow dry etc look quite dated now

@Bookmark1111

Thanks. This has been quite a wake up call for me tbh.

This.

This is in no way what feedback like this should be about.

I am a similar age as you and I would also think there is ageism and sexism at play.

Is that woman a similar age? could she somehow be threatened by you going up the ranks? the Queen bee thing...

That is already such high maintenance!

I call ageism & sexism.

Good first step 🙂

You can join a union directly without anyone knowing. So you employer wouldn’t know. IMHO any employer which ‘frowns on’ a union is a very dodgy employer, as unions campaign for and help people enforce their employment rights. Women wouldn’t have maternity rights if it weren’t for unions!

Just because you’ve had a bad experience in the past, don’t let it put you off. It may have been a rubbish workplace rep. Paid union staff, who you should be able to speak to on the phone, are usually very good. If you really don’t want to join a union, at least contact Citizens Advice.

This cannot be a ‘serious grievance’ against you. Employers don’t have a right to comment on your appearance unless there are required dress codes for the job or unless your dress or personal hygiene is inappropriate. Some of their other ‘feedback’ sounds highly dubious too.

They should stick to feedback on performance against your employment objectives only. They’re not the self-appointed fashion police! And women aren’t in the workplace to be acceptably ‘sexy’ for the male gaze.

I don’t think she’s threatened by me. She’s phenomenally successful, wealthy and well respected and is happily married with kids etc etc.

I think it’s more that she has a very predetermined template for what success should look like and struggles to allow others to define themselves in different ways.

Could also be race discrimination. Expectations about hair can discriminate against Black women and global majority women, who should be able to have natural hair (rather than straightened) without being viewed as ‘unprofessional’ or not worthy of promotion.

@EdithBond

I am Caucasian so definitely not race related

For those mentioning unions most / many services type companies have a clause in your contract precluding joining a union. I’ve never been in a job where joining a union was permitted.

I’ll have to check my contract here. I’m not sure if it’s prohibited but it’s certainly not encouraged. It’s unheard of in this industry for people to be unionised.

I agree with a PP that it’s a bad sign if a company doesn’t encourage people to be members of a union. Unfortunately it does really mark you out as a troublemaker.

Agree with this!

That’s unlawful. We all have a legal right to join a union and it’s unlawful for an employer to disadvantage you because you’re in a union. If you join a union direct, the employer doesn’t know. https://www.tuc.org.uk/joinunion.

But if expectations about hair are company policy, then the policy could be challengeable on grounds of race discrimination, even if in your case you’re White.

@EdithBond

None of this is company policy. It’s all very individual specific. I have spoken to colleagues at similar levels to me in the organisation and we have all been given very arbitrary and very different “feedback”.

One of my counterparts is a black woman who is a similar age to me. She has been given some quite intrusive and fussy feedback (which she was irritated by). But very pointedly not about her appearance or grooming.

They are very aware that anything like that could land them in legal hot water.

Oh mate, you need a new job not a promotion. They sound like absolute pricks.