AIBU to be a bit irritated that my managers have made comments on my hair and nails?

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

I am in a senior position in a company and am in line for a promotion.

As part of this process I am getting a lot of “constructive feedback” from my line managers on how I perform my role. I am absolutely comfortable with this in principle and some of it is helpful but some of it feels subjective, personal and sometimes a bit unkind. For example a lot of micromanagement of how I appear: comments of my “sense of authority” etc. I understand that this is meant constructively and it’s their prerogative as my employer and I have gone along with everything that they have said with a positive attitude but I privately feel that some of it is petty and trivial and a bit spiteful.

The latest “feedback” request has taken me aback; my managers requested (via a third party) that I need to spend more money on my hair and nails to be promotion worthy.

For context: it’s a client facing role and presentation absolutely is important, no question and I totally accept that. I dress professionally at all times (eg Reiss suits with laundered shirts in winter, smart dress and jacket in warm weather.) I have never been accused of looking scruffy or unprofessional. My hair is a neutral colour, shoulder length and always brushed and maintained: I usually get highlights and a trim once every six weeks. I wear smart shoes apart from on my commute when I wear trainers.

I do have manicures sometimes (mainly once every six weeks). I don’t have the time to do them more frequently than this but my nails are well kept.

By the same token it’s a professional job and not one where aesthetics or style are core to the role. It’s not fashion or a creative job where a sense of fashion awareness is part of the “brand”. My counterparts wear clothes that are similar to mine.

I feel a bit uncomfortable with this. I’m absolutely fine with being reminded that presentation is important but it feels as if this is straying into the territory of communicating to me that I am not attractive enough for the role and I can’t help thinking that my male counterparts are unlikely to be told they need to spend more on hair and nails.

AIBU? Do I just need to take this on the chin? Or am I right to feel a bit offended?

That's so ridiculous. They must be made of money.

I'd ask her to send me a picture of "promotion nails" to ensure I understood exactly what I was currently doing wrong.

But then I am a bit of a trouble maker.

Also, this.

When I was 18 in my first job I was told to wear more make up or I wouldn’t be allowed to work on the front desk. The next day I went in with absolutely no make up and my hair tied back tightly and told them I didn’t want to work on the front desk if I wasn’t being judged on the standard of my actual work and rather my looks and that I’d go and stock the client fridge and prepare the offices 😂 they all just looked at me in shock (and I did get the sack 2 weeks later as apparently failed my probation period)

I’m thinking acrylics with pound signs and banknote artwork and crystals..

I had something similar (although in the public sector!) some years ago. As a group of young female managers, we all had to have our colours done, followed by a session on "maintaining a professional image". It was batshit.

Good I am so glad I work in the public sector and this bullshit is not a thing. I went in to work on Friday in a chambray paper bag waist midi skirt, a white t shirt and rose gold Birkenstocks!

"I dress professionally at all times (eg Reiss suits with laundered shirts in winter, smart dress and jacket in warm weather.)"

What's the significance of 'laundered' in relation to shirts? Surely all your clothes are clean. It seems odd to single out shirts in this way.

It’s discrimination, and it’s illegal.

i am genuinely shocked to read this as a senior manager in a large company. I honestly can’t comprehend a role where someone would be looking at your nails and hair unless (possibly?) it’s the beauty industry and customer facing so requires a certain standard for marketing. Please seek advice from HR, this is so not acceptable, or normal.

TBF I have had a word with colleagues about their appearance but due to: dirty hair, fraying trousers and unironed tops.

I happen to think that appearance is very important but what is required of the op seems to be the antithesis of how to look expensive and classy which is why I'm so quizzical.

Year ago when I worked in hotel industry I was pulled aside by a female manager and told to wear more make up to work and to make sure I had powder as my face was very shiny and it wasn't a good look for the front desk. I was too young and naive to challenge her at the time.
I'm shocked that stuff like this is still going on!

OP, text or message the 'third party' who has conveyed this message to you and say something like: 'I've been thinking about what you've said about needing to spend more on my hair and nails to be 'promotion worthy'. What do you think I need to have done? Do I need a restyle or have a blow-dry every couple of days? Would a French manicure every week be okay? I need more guidance!'

When you've got a response in writing, contact your HR department or managers mentioning the Equality Act 2010 and this article or any of several on the inetrnet:
https://www.gorvins.com/news-media/blog/high-heels-sexual-discrimination-or-reasonable-dress-code/

This bit may be particularly relevant:
When looking to formulate and/or implement a dress code, any employer should keep potential issues of discrimination at the forefront of their mind. Regard should be had to religious sensitivities, and also to the principle that, while it is permissible to have different rules for men and women, the rules should not be more stringent for one group than another, as in this case. For example, in a case such as this, you have to be able to show that not only were the sexes treated differently, but that the treatment accorded to one was less favourable than the treatment afforded to the other.

You're experiencing sex discrimination. Join your union, if you aren't already a member. They should help you fight it.

THIS is what you need to ask them.

Absolutely sexist shite.

This is insane. I'm a partner in a law firm - I never have a manicure and my nails are usually a mess, I'm lucky if I get a haircut every 6 months, I work long hours and have two tiny kids. I'd be horrified and furious if at any point in my career anyone had made a comment on my appearance. I also can't imagine caring what anyone else I worked with looks like. I'd be tempted to put in writing what you were told and that you think it inappropriate.

agree with people saying you should report to HR. It's completely inappropriate. It's sexist and elitist. What if you can't afford to spend more money on your hair and nails? That means you'll never get a promotion.

If you want to feel better about this whole situation @Thelaughingtonepoliceman

watch this on documentary Americas Sweethearts on Netflix about the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders- esp Episodes 1 and 2 (Where they go to the hair/makeup salon , make one poor girl change her hair colour and look entirely and spoiler alert... don't even hire her).

It's excruciating to watch especially how desperate these women are for the jobs and what they get told. Believe me you'll think inappropriate nails/hair comments are small beans.

https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/dallas-cowboys-cheerleaders-netflix-americas-sweethearts-b2566743.html

Dictating how much money you spend on your personal appearance is bang out of order.
Utterly ridiculous. If that is a genuine criticism from your boss I'd be going to HR.

I'd look for a promotion elsewhere

I think OP means washed and ironed professionally.

Ironed properly and starched.

Happens at far lower levels, too.

I was on the receiving end of it and once I'd spent money I really didn't have on a couple of dresses and got DP to chop the bottom three inches off my hair, the promotions started coming - three in four years.

I would make a formal complaint about sexism. I would find another job and sue as well. Do you have this in writing? or was it verbal?

I'd be tempted to ask them if my new compensation package as part of the promotion will include a "haircuts and manicures" stipend. Because if you are the only one being expected to shell out for that additional labour then the company should bear the cost, and you should be allowed to do it during work time.

Misogynistic bullshit.

If your nails were grossly long, with chipped polish, dirty, yellow or otherwise gross I would agree - I wouldn't want to shake hands with that. But not having manicures but having tidy, plain hands and nails is fine.