AIBU to be a bit irritated that my managers have made comments on my hair and nails?

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

I am in a senior position in a company and am in line for a promotion.

As part of this process I am getting a lot of “constructive feedback” from my line managers on how I perform my role. I am absolutely comfortable with this in principle and some of it is helpful but some of it feels subjective, personal and sometimes a bit unkind. For example a lot of micromanagement of how I appear: comments of my “sense of authority” etc. I understand that this is meant constructively and it’s their prerogative as my employer and I have gone along with everything that they have said with a positive attitude but I privately feel that some of it is petty and trivial and a bit spiteful.

The latest “feedback” request has taken me aback; my managers requested (via a third party) that I need to spend more money on my hair and nails to be promotion worthy.

For context: it’s a client facing role and presentation absolutely is important, no question and I totally accept that. I dress professionally at all times (eg Reiss suits with laundered shirts in winter, smart dress and jacket in warm weather.) I have never been accused of looking scruffy or unprofessional. My hair is a neutral colour, shoulder length and always brushed and maintained: I usually get highlights and a trim once every six weeks. I wear smart shoes apart from on my commute when I wear trainers.

I do have manicures sometimes (mainly once every six weeks). I don’t have the time to do them more frequently than this but my nails are well kept.

By the same token it’s a professional job and not one where aesthetics or style are core to the role. It’s not fashion or a creative job where a sense of fashion awareness is part of the “brand”. My counterparts wear clothes that are similar to mine.

I feel a bit uncomfortable with this. I’m absolutely fine with being reminded that presentation is important but it feels as if this is straying into the territory of communicating to me that I am not attractive enough for the role and I can’t help thinking that my male counterparts are unlikely to be told they need to spend more on hair and nails.

AIBU? Do I just need to take this on the chin? Or am I right to feel a bit offended?

That was my first thought!

If you get highlights and a trim every six weeks I’m not sure what else you can do with your hair? 🤷‍♀️. You say you brush it…….is it frizzy? Do you straighten it? I’m just genuinely trying to think what their issue with your hair is.

I'd ask them to give their feedback formally next time and make notes yourself, especially now. I also asked them to review previous feedback about your appearance and manicure, and other "constructive" criticism (not). Then I'd tell them to hand it all into HR, as that what you'll be doing with your version of the review. You sound like a sensible person, why are you taking this bullshit?

Can you email the 3rd party and say “further to our conversation earlier I’d like to clarify a few points…”

add the hair and nails in the list and see what she responds. Then you have it in writing.

what has your relationship and interaction with this colleague been to date?

are you able to post a pic of your nails?!

It’s not so much the request itself that bothers me. I am happy to get more haircuts and highlights and manicures.

What bothers me is a) the sexism and b) the the thinly veiled suggestion that I am not quite attractive enough for the job. It’s undermining.

Flag that BS to HR. This not on.

I think this 3rd party messenger is getting thrown under the bus. Don't shoot the messenger. Thinking now that the multimillionaire top dog is extremely manipulative. You need to nip this in the bud if you're going to stay.

I don't think it's the fake look they want, probably more Kate Middleton (although I'm sure she has some of them, just done well!).

Why?

OK, I'm going to ask the question - OP, are you black, with natural hair? Or indeed, from a non-white background of any type? I think black women with natural hair are still getting a harder time being taken professionally, even in companies that absolutely should know better.

'@theonlygirl
If it were me, I would assume they didn't want to promote me and were clutching at straws to find reasons. I'd immediately start looking for another job. You sound very diligent, not to mention smartly turned out. Time to find an organisation that deserves you.'

Agreed.

This is obviously unacceptable as I doubt very much men in the company are asked to get highlights/new haircut and regular manicures...

As long as employees keep themselves clean and dress properly then that is all that should be expected in a workplace.

As the comment above mentioned I would expect there is a hidden agenda: that person does not want you to get promoted or if you end up being promoted they will be hell to work for...

I would start looking for a new job.

I would ask for all the feedback to put in writing.

No. I am white with blonde hair and blue-grey eyes. I look very conventional (at work anyway). I’m moderately attractive but not stand out pretty. I dress conservatively at work but don’t doll myself up. I don’t really do loads of adornment. Basic neutral makeup etc, little to no jewellery.

I am incredibly average to look at in every way.

I am in my early 50s though and it has crossed my mind that there’s a tiny bit of ageism at play too.

i agree it sucks that women are subject to these expectations BUT better to be told than miss out to a glossier counterpart just because they’re deemed to look more the part. I had a rather stratospheric career rise, and whilst I knew my stuff and worked hard (lots do!), I think much of it was down to styling. I dressed very much like a corporate Barbie, nails always done, LVL, brows, nice makeup, hair very done. Most people, men and women rather hang around with people who are glamorous. It seems a small effort to get a promotion (compared to I don’t know a professional qualification or more years graft)

1. if they are not telling the men then that is blatant discrimination

2. are they going to give you paid time off to go for appointments and are they paying for it?

Was it men who were complaining about your hair and nails?

Sorry just seen it was a woman delivering the message. Yes I would be asking them what hairstyle and nails they want if yours aren't good enough and to email this to them for a response. Awful.

Then ask for time off to go to the hairdresser and salon for your nails

@ChampagneLassie

It seems a small effort to get a promotion (compared to I don’t know a professional qualification or more years graft)

I think you’re missing the point. I don’t mind the grooming, in fact I do most of this without being asked. As you say a couple of extra manicures is a relatively small price to pay for a promotion.

Its the work culture part that bothers me. Firstly it seems very sexist (and others apparently agree with this assessment). But also the idea that my manager is ruthlessly scrutinising me for some intangible sense of “attractiveness”. I’m pretty sure I already meet any reasonable bar for professional standards of dress. It’s the sense that despite this I don’t look “quite right” and the uneasiness about where that leads.

And also just the control freakery and micromanagement. The sense that I am constantly being watched and judged for things which aren’t really a core part of my role and that people are constantly breathing down my neck about relatively trivial things.

I am in my early 50s though and it has crossed my mind that there’s a tiny bit of ageism at play too

More than a tiny bit, I’d say.

Clearly this is wrong. Your confidence is now being undermined, not a great time when you're hitting 50s. As others have said, what next little snide comments will crop up. Nothing has been mentioned to you about your work. Be confident. TBH, I wouldn't even make any personal changes, it's not like they can sack you for not having regular manicures. It's all nonsense.

because i wanted to know whether this was a complete surprise from this particular colleague

In writing thank them for the feedback and what you are doing with it. Especially highlight the dates you have manicure and hair appointments coming up. Once it’s written down they will see how ridiculous the comments were. Malicious compliance while be totally professional. BCC yourself so you can keep a record as you should trust your instincts about this manager.

?

I would go back to the person who told you and ask for simple clarification:

”Is the same being asked of any male candidates in the process and anyone under the age of 45? And please can I have the request in writing.”

Then leave it hanging. You are basically making the point that what they are asking could be considered sexist and ageist, which are both protected characteristics.

Does your work have a dress or appearance guide they can point to? If not, anything outside of clean and neat is really about the personal preferences of some managers.

This is interesting. Tbh I had taken it as a positive thing that they were giving me all this “constructive feedback” (and some of it has been breathtakingly micro management). But this particular piece of advice seemed very jarring.

But if you and others think it’s actually a bad thing maybe I should be more militant about it.