To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

[Iwilldrawjapan]

The main source of my mental health problems has been men.
I'm 33 years old and except for my very first boyfriend aged 18, who I left when I was 20, no guy has ever fallen madly in love with me.

I'm fully aware I don't need a man in my life to be happy but I'm only human and it's natural to want a connection with somebody. Not that it's attractive to admit that, mind. You're supposed to not be looking at all and absolutely love being single until someone unexpectedly falls into your lap, otherwise you're 'desperate'.

I'd be ok with it if more people chose to be single, however I hardly know anyone who's single, every bloody person I know is with someone, especially at this age, this is the worst age for me.

Men like me and find me attractive, they just don't want to date me seriously/don't want to marry me/just don't fall in love.

Everyone seems to have some guy become absolutely obsessed with them and just really want to marry them.
Guys mainly use me for an ego boost but I'm just not the one for them.

People sprout mindless fucking clichés at me all the time 'Oh it'll happen when you least expect it!' well here's the thing, I'm not 'expecting' it at all, and guess what, nobody's fallen into my lap.

'Just go online!' like it's that easy, it really isn't.
I'm attractive physically, I have stuff going for me, I travel, I am financially independent, I own property, I have hobbies, good family relationship, I have friends. In other areas of my life all is great.

I'm really not desperate, I'm sure someone will be along to tell me I'm coming across as desperate but I have turned down men too, I would not date just anyone.
My standards are not too high, either. If anything I'm very likely considered out of these men's leagues. They're just very ordinary, average men, but I liked them.

People I've dated have either not wanted a relationship after 2 months, or not wanted a bigger commitment after a few years.

Life isn't fair I guess, people will tell me to 'love myself first ' and all the usual crap. Having 10,000 hobbies is no replacement for a happy relationship. I'm sick of seeing the happy couple photos on Facebook, posing with their husband and holding the baby.

Maybe I will meet someone, but for 13 years I've had bad luck. I've never been anyone's 'one'.

I can't have a child alone, I don't have local family, I can't afford to be a single parent financially or otherwise, period.

Honestly, my mental health has been shot to pieces. Life still has meaning, but it's unfair that I'm deprived of what seems to come so easily to other people.

'Tagyoureit · Today 11:27
You need therapy, not a relationship.
It's not down to a future partner to fix you and your self worth is definitely not dependent on a man deeming you worthy of him.

You need to love and respect yourself before you can expect anyone else to.'

Yeah, ignore that one.

Tell me you're missing the point without telling me you're missing the point.
I do love and respect myself.
I'm not looking for a partner to fix me, I'm fed up with constant rejection.

I'm in no way saying there's anything wrong with having sex after a couple of dates.

But would it make a difference if you waited a bit longer?

I mean would that help to sort out those who are likely to show a bit more commitment?

There’s something up in that case which is putting them off. I’m not being nasty, but this is the most obvious answer, and if you can fix that you’ll fix the rest of it. Any idea what it is?

To be honest you sound like hard work.

I’ll add to that that some women (and men) just aren’t ‘sexual’. I know men like this who I like and respect very much, and they’re actually ok looking, but I just don’t fancy them.

Really? I think she sounds like a switched on woman with a lot to offer who knows what she wants. Are you standards very low so you think wanting a nice respectful partner is being hard work?

Agree with this. Are you purposely looking for guys in their 20s?

Can I ask why I 'sound like hard work?
They were happy to sleep with me so did fancy me, just didn't get deeper feelings

Not arguing with you here, just saying...these relationships always fall apart in the first few months, yes? You opened the thread talking about your mental health problems, and mental health issues are big red flags for a lot of people (not just men...it comes up regularly on here as a great reason to ditch relationships years long, much less a couple of months).

Doesn't seem like missing the point to me at all. It's not about whether you love and respect yourself, it's about whether your mental health issues - which I obviously have no real understanding of - are becoming apparent enough during that "getting to know you" phase that your potential partners are walking away.

Then calm down with the dating. There is nothing wrong with being single. Jesus, have a read of some of the other threads where partners and husbands are being massive dicks and you'll soon realise that you probably aren't missing out.

You don't want the clichés but they are said for a reason because they're true. I gave up on dating and was a single mother for years then the right guy came along.

Not anymore, I'm 33 now and the last man I liked was 30. Before that, aged 29 and below then yes, all the men were in their 20s, never dated older and not sure it'd be any better.

Honestly going to look into fostering, however I only own a 1 bedroom flat sadly so they probably wouldn't accept me?

Op. The only thing I can see is you want to go to official with men who are slow fading.

this tells me you cannot read a relationship , at no stage should you be wishing to go official with someone who isn’t interested. You have to question them as you don’t know. This is a huge red flag.

this could indicate you’re more focused on getting a relationship than being remotely interested in them as a person. Going through the motions to get to the status you wish.

thats a huge red flag. Even on here you clearly still can’t see why they didn’t wish to. Figuring if it had been a couple of months then they should wish to call you their girlfriend.

so something is very wrong there. Does that make sense. A relationship develops. Two people talking, sharing their feelings to one another. So there is no confusion. No unknowns.

The list of reasons they are giving you are not honest, it’s just bullshit to save your feelings.

I'm also mid 30s. I've been single for several years by choice because I realised men have caused me nothing but pain. I don't have any family so am literally nobody's priority, which can feel difficult at times. I solved the coming home to an empty flat issue by getting a cat. Best thing I ever did. I no longer have the energy for men's bullshit.

No, there isn't anything wrong with being single.
So why is it that 99% of people aren't?
Im tired of constant rejection, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to be single for years though.

Fostering? You say you have mental health problems, scrambling around for a relationship but you want to foster a child!!

I'm seriously calling absolute bullshit on this thread!!

I'm sorry to hear that, men have caused me nothing but pain either.
I am definitely going to look at getting a cat as I loved them, I'm glad it made you feel happier.

You appear very focused on the fact you're attractive and have material goods and "out of the mens league" but all of that only goes so far. Being physically attracted to someone is what will initially be the attraction, but there needs to be more to build that attraction into genuine feelings and love. Maybe your anger and bitterness and want of obessive love is coming across in ways you don't realise?

If a man doesn't do the pursuing, he isn't worth having. I'm like the OP in my expectations: I am a prize to be treasured, beautiful, intelligent, successful. There would be no room in my life for some 5/10 man who thought he was doing me a favour by just being around. I have been married for a long time.

OP, I truly feel for you. I hate to sound complacent, but I got truly lucky and met my person when I was 23. If I hadn't, though, I could have written your post because I felt the way you did from the ages of 19 to 23. I also wasn't going to entertain married or partnered men, nor was I willing to put up with bullshit from time wasters. I think that maybe where you are going wrong is actually setting your expectations too low. I find that average, mediocre men often have tall poppy syndrome and prefer to date women whom they perceive to be 'in their league'. They will mess around with the high achieving beauties, but they will then go back to their safe zone. You deserve someone so much better than that.

Someone happy to have sex op is irrelevant. Some men will have sex whenever it is offered. Any chance they can. Relationships are about much more.

It's a very tricky age to be single, and no platitudes will help. I well remember the feeling of wondering just how it was that nobody worked out for a plethora of spurious reasons. I can't really tell you why I had a decade of crappy relationships (though work travel didn't help) and then one worked out, it really is just luck when you find someone who is not perfect in ways that fit your not being perfect either. Keep on looking, you are still young and have plenty of time.

Sorry you feel this way, OP.
Not to speak for you, obviously, but this stuff
IS hugely overrated.

OP
You are getting some good advice here.

I NC for this and honestly, I didn't feel like posting, but then I was known as a dating Guru/ wise counsel by/to friends a result of a combination of being younger and watching and learning from my married friends who were incredibly open about their marriages; career focussed so had to learn Dating101 in my 30s after moving countries and luck of connecting with all sorts so got a quick dating2.0 from friends who had spent more years dating than me. Seeking advice (as you are doing) and listening to ALL feedback although I chose what to follow and when.

Pointers-

1.Look at your title. Reframe your mindset and attitude and stop the 'resentment'
2.Also stop 'believing' men hold key to your destiny. Even your DH will never. You are the master of your own destiny.
3.Good you are waiting on therapy. Please engage with this or go private if you can afford.
4.Nothing wrong with being direct- I too am direct. However, you need to work on being feminine. If a man wanted to be with another man, they would. There are certain things men like about women they marry, and being feminine is one of them. Look, I do all sports and can beat some men at some sports. Was brought up between city and farm- so I am not talking about being girly. As you can see, I can kick ass and be feminine at teh same time. My Dh loves that.
Yes, a divorced DR with 2 PHDs asked me how she can be more feminine as she too was struggling in that department. She said she was thinking of wearing more long skirts- she loved trousers. I said she also needed to be more flirty and not always serious. I can flirt like my life depended on it- if teh situation allows ( I have a job that requires seriousness at all times so hard to meet partner). Even when I know nothing can come out of it. People (men and women) like to be made to feel desirable and wanted. So be kind and generous in your words with all you meet. Don't be husband shopping. Make friends, and who knows.
5.I sense you are very laid back (I have no idea if you become desperate at 2 months mark). But when meeting these men, strike a balance between showing an interest and not being desperate. I can be as cool as a cucumber; so I had to try to meet them half way, so they don't misinterpret my relaxed attitude as being uninterested.
6.I would hold off being intimate soon.
7.I would mix up strategies and feedback and see what happens.
8.One thing you need to be grateful for is that you meet men and even start dating them. At my peak, I wasn't even meeting men (working long hours); and the ones I met, I wouldn't even agree to have coffee with let alone a 2 month relationship with.
9.However, I was the one deciding at 2 or 3 months that it was not for me. Yes, dating is ruthless.
10.You sound like you have options as you have financial independence and hobbies, so why don't you choose men who are likely to want to date you? Not you be unkind, maybe you are the one fishing in wrong pool- this takes a few years until you realise you need to meet men half way. Choose the most important things you want from a man: family, ambition- then focus. If it is someone outgoing, focus on that. I was very clear about what I wanted and what I didn't want. Other things were always negotiable.
A. Are you in London? London dating can be ruthless and can be a draw of luck.
B.I now live between London and the countryside, now I am married, otherwise I would offer to meet for a coffee or two, after you have had meaningful therapy.
good luck. Yes, dating or looking to date is very lonely so you need to not let it take over your life. Have fun with things you enjoy, a long teh way. I travelled; sailed; shopped all designer gears I wanted, bought several properties; climbed mountains and went on safaris; volunteered at a charity, visited family abroad for months (I was self-employed) etc etc. I even got a 2nd masters degree and my career progressed at fastest space imaginable. It is not all bad.

Looking for long term commitment from younger guys in their 20s seems sort of self-defeating. Why bother date men 35-45?

That should have said "why NOT date men 35-45?"