To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

[Iwilldrawjapan]

The main source of my mental health problems has been men.
I'm 33 years old and except for my very first boyfriend aged 18, who I left when I was 20, no guy has ever fallen madly in love with me.

I'm fully aware I don't need a man in my life to be happy but I'm only human and it's natural to want a connection with somebody. Not that it's attractive to admit that, mind. You're supposed to not be looking at all and absolutely love being single until someone unexpectedly falls into your lap, otherwise you're 'desperate'.

I'd be ok with it if more people chose to be single, however I hardly know anyone who's single, every bloody person I know is with someone, especially at this age, this is the worst age for me.

Men like me and find me attractive, they just don't want to date me seriously/don't want to marry me/just don't fall in love.

Everyone seems to have some guy become absolutely obsessed with them and just really want to marry them.
Guys mainly use me for an ego boost but I'm just not the one for them.

People sprout mindless fucking clichés at me all the time 'Oh it'll happen when you least expect it!' well here's the thing, I'm not 'expecting' it at all, and guess what, nobody's fallen into my lap.

'Just go online!' like it's that easy, it really isn't.
I'm attractive physically, I have stuff going for me, I travel, I am financially independent, I own property, I have hobbies, good family relationship, I have friends. In other areas of my life all is great.

I'm really not desperate, I'm sure someone will be along to tell me I'm coming across as desperate but I have turned down men too, I would not date just anyone.
My standards are not too high, either. If anything I'm very likely considered out of these men's leagues. They're just very ordinary, average men, but I liked them.

People I've dated have either not wanted a relationship after 2 months, or not wanted a bigger commitment after a few years.

Life isn't fair I guess, people will tell me to 'love myself first ' and all the usual crap. Having 10,000 hobbies is no replacement for a happy relationship. I'm sick of seeing the happy couple photos on Facebook, posing with their husband and holding the baby.

Maybe I will meet someone, but for 13 years I've had bad luck. I've never been anyone's 'one'.

I can't have a child alone, I don't have local family, I can't afford to be a single parent financially or otherwise, period.

Honestly, my mental health has been shot to pieces. Life still has meaning, but it's unfair that I'm deprived of what seems to come so easily to other people.

I get that this is a cliche but … meant kindly, have you considered having some therapy about this?

Being frustrated because someone hasn’t fallen head over heels in love with you, and considering suicide because of it … those are not normal feelings about this.

If nothing else, they are likely to be coming through as red flags in your relationships, and thereby decreasing the odds of you finding what you are looking for. Same with dating married men.

When I was younger it was through uni, friends etc.
Now it's through work, OLD, hobbies.
I can't even trust men anymore, if someone does like me I assume they'll only want sex.
It's a man's world despite what anyone says, women are socialised into playing all the right games to get a man interested.

Have you got a good girlfriend you trust to be honest with you who might give you some thoughts on why things haven’t gone as you wanted with previous relationships? Are you getting help with your mental health? I agree that the way you’re expressing yourself sounds quite extreme and worrying. You describe a life that reflects hard work, success, investment, but if you’re also really thinking about suicide you’re not in the right place to date anyone.

What’s the stuff about married men and being angry they don’t leave their wives? Have you been seeing a married man? That’s going to make you feel even worse about yourself.

you sounds terrifyingly angry and bitter OP

It reads as kind of the same thing really.

How is your relationship with your dad, OP?
I share your anger about the narrative that as women we have to act like we don't care about this and we're so happy single, to not seem 'desperate'. Society is still rife with misogyny

Are you currently doing online dating? If so, what’s the gist of your profile?

I've never dated a married man and never would. They tried flirting with me when they were having marriage problems but I told them where to go, I should've been clearer in my post.

I am on a therapy waiting list so maybe that would help.

I don't know if people quite understand. It's not 1 or 2 men, it's been like this for 12 years.

I could have written your post at the same age. You aren't doing anything wrong at all. I did eventually get married. At 51. If you use tiktok I would recommend following Shani Silver. She has a lot to say about the subject.
Oh and ignore the poster who says that you probably are coming across as desperate. I'll bet you aren't. It's really shit OP and tbh meeting my husband was pure luck.

As I said no, I'd never date a married man. In my life I've had 3 try it on with me, and I told them where to go.

you say you have slept with multiple married men

My relationship with my Dad's fine that I know of, he is 60 and has been with my Mum for 35 years.

You say you're not desperate but your posts come across like you are

I don’t know you, OP, so may be completely off…

You're angry at men - it doesn’t matter what married men are doing, ignore them and carry on.

You consider the men you’re seeing are punching- maybe they don’t think you’re that great, as they sense snooty energy.

You want people to leave relationships to normalise being single, so you feel better- no one has to. People remain in relationships for a myriad of reasons, so it’s up to you to own your singleness and keep working at finding your relationship.

If no one is dating you for more than two months, something is not connecting. Could you be emotionally unavailable without realising it? Especially as you’re carrying so much stuff’?

And remember, men’s futures also depend on someone deeming them worthy of settling with.

Must have mistyped that but I can confirm I've never done that and never will.

I wasted years of my life not doing much exciting stuff because I was focused on finding a boyfriend/husband, and wanting to start a family. While all my friends were in couples and starting their families. I really regret not climbing the mountains, visiting other countries, going to festivals , focusing on my career. Now I'm married with kids I regret what I could have done with the time.

Get out there, find your passion, develop your career, explore some group and single pastimes etc. Fill your life up with fun, friends and experiences. That's what life's about.

While it's not the be all and end all I guarantee you will find a partner if you don't focus on it, trying to find a partner makes us boring.

sorry my mistake

you seem very angry about married men and certainly give the impression they’ve been part of your dating history

but a few have flirted with you… nothing more?

I do plenty with my life, I do all the travelling, mountains, concert stuff. Whilst friends are great, they're just not the same sadly. You will never be their priority, their priority is their partner/children.
They can also just drop off for ages.

I do remember feeling similar back when I was long term single in my 20s. All of my siblings and all of the people I worked with were in relationships and I was alone. Every function, party, wedding, christening, BBQ, Christmas, birthday I was alone. It felt horrible. I went online and got talking to a bloke who didn't seem at all my type and thought, ” Fuck it, why not?” and now we're married.

We love each other but aren't what you'd say madly in love. We don't hold hands or pose for happy pictures etc but we rub along nicely and value and respect each other. It's a quiet and peaceful kind of love.

Try going out of your norms and your type and see if that makes a difference?

Why are you angry the married men don’t leave their wives if you don’t want them anyway?

There seems to be a lot going on here. I’m not sure how people can help though I’m sure they want to as you’re obviously not in a good place.

so much of your anger about married men op

and it would seem 3 have flirted with you

and that’s it?

I don't go for tall, gorgeous rich men with tons of hobbies. I don't think I am better than them, but on paper I probably have more going for me in some ways, that's the truth.
I just don't know what the solution is.

I said they tried it on.
Anyway, can you just drop this point now?

It's true I remember that feeling. The therapy idea sounds good, then you can explore your thoughts around this.

Is it possible men are intimidated by your success?
You talk a lot about being very successful in other areas of your life and how attractive you are.. maybe you unknowingly put these men down? Do you brag? …
Also STOP dating married men!