To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

[Iwilldrawjapan]

The main source of my mental health problems has been men.
I'm 33 years old and except for my very first boyfriend aged 18, who I left when I was 20, no guy has ever fallen madly in love with me.

I'm fully aware I don't need a man in my life to be happy but I'm only human and it's natural to want a connection with somebody. Not that it's attractive to admit that, mind. You're supposed to not be looking at all and absolutely love being single until someone unexpectedly falls into your lap, otherwise you're 'desperate'.

I'd be ok with it if more people chose to be single, however I hardly know anyone who's single, every bloody person I know is with someone, especially at this age, this is the worst age for me.

Men like me and find me attractive, they just don't want to date me seriously/don't want to marry me/just don't fall in love.

Everyone seems to have some guy become absolutely obsessed with them and just really want to marry them.
Guys mainly use me for an ego boost but I'm just not the one for them.

People sprout mindless fucking clichés at me all the time 'Oh it'll happen when you least expect it!' well here's the thing, I'm not 'expecting' it at all, and guess what, nobody's fallen into my lap.

'Just go online!' like it's that easy, it really isn't.
I'm attractive physically, I have stuff going for me, I travel, I am financially independent, I own property, I have hobbies, good family relationship, I have friends. In other areas of my life all is great.

I'm really not desperate, I'm sure someone will be along to tell me I'm coming across as desperate but I have turned down men too, I would not date just anyone.
My standards are not too high, either. If anything I'm very likely considered out of these men's leagues. They're just very ordinary, average men, but I liked them.

People I've dated have either not wanted a relationship after 2 months, or not wanted a bigger commitment after a few years.

Life isn't fair I guess, people will tell me to 'love myself first ' and all the usual crap. Having 10,000 hobbies is no replacement for a happy relationship. I'm sick of seeing the happy couple photos on Facebook, posing with their husband and holding the baby.

Maybe I will meet someone, but for 13 years I've had bad luck. I've never been anyone's 'one'.

I can't have a child alone, I don't have local family, I can't afford to be a single parent financially or otherwise, period.

Honestly, my mental health has been shot to pieces. Life still has meaning, but it's unfair that I'm deprived of what seems to come so easily to other people.

I'd also remember, at a general level, that we have a lot of angry male posters posing as women on here. I'm not saying women can't be awful (we were doing a great job before the MRA influx) but a 30 something woman having difficulty in dating is going to draw angry men in a way she won't draw angry women. And boy, they don't like a woman who doesn't hate herself even if she's single.

OP, I am sorry you're going through this. It is completely normal to want a relationship and it's not desperate or silly or any of the other rubbish you've had to hear on here. I also don't believe any of these happily marrieds insisting that they'd be 100% cool and fabulous and unruffled if they hadn't met their person; they can't even stay cool and unruffled in a discussion about it, ffs.

But it's a clear fact that people find love at all ages and life stages. I do wonder if your picker might be off; I know you're not limiting yourself to 6'4" zillionaires, but I mean in terms of the sort of dynamic you go for. It may be worth exploring this because it can be surprising how we unconsciously act in self destructive ways. Women do often sell themselves short in the belief that they are being reasonable.

Whatever happens, you are a human with human worth that isn't defined by your relationship or family status.

If you are waiting for NHS therapy,the waiting lists are shocking. Pay private instead. To put things in perspective, imagine if you had your lifestyle taken away for some reason, i know id hate that ,i guess what I'm trying to say is count your blessings I think you are sighing for the moon.

I'd also remember, at a general level, that we have a lot of angry male posters

I hadn't thought of that, in some ways I hope you are right!

I can relate to this. All of my friends are married. And guy friends have always just liked chatting with me like I'm one of them, but not as girlfriend material 😅
I think my longest relationship was my first when I was 19, and it was on and off about 5x for total of 7 months. he was cheating on me with multiple others. And 13 years older than me divorcee.
I've got low self-esteem and lack confidence though.
You sound more confident than me. But I can't offer you any advice, sorry.
Just solidarity.
(Virtual hugs)
xx

'Sparrow7 · Today 09:32
I'd also remember, at a general level, that we have a lot of angry male posters

I hadn't thought of that, in some ways I hope you are right!'

Absolutely! Do not call them out, though, your post will be deleted and you will get a Mumsnet HO threat of a ban.
Rolling eye, v sign emoji.

Men are often scared/put off by independent, successful women. It stinks. Or you attract total jerks who are abusive and make you feel crap. They can also sense desperation and run. (This is a female perspective I know). I know people who've found life partners in their forties. Little comfort I know when this is also about wanting to have a baby before it's too late. You're entitled to feel frustrated, angry and depressed about it.

It sounds like you know who you are and love yourself enough already! Maybe try and meet someone through mutual friends or one of your hobbies? I've met plenty of lovely single men through mine - who are now all married (not to me, I'm already married!)

And don't push the marriage/kids agenda. Just make good friends and let it develop into something more slowly. I had a good friend and within a month of us being a couple he proposed...I did accept the second time of asking. I never dreamed our friendship would ever be more than just friends or even being a couple.

@Iwilldrawjapan I understand the feeling and been there, done that and found my husband.

My top tips would be:

1. Be really comfortable with the idea of being by yourself forever. As in build your life so that if you don't find the right guy you rather be alone. There's nothing worse than being stuck with a partner you don't love or who you can't be your true self with. Or that you guys can't be a team to face the rest of life challenges together. This is important as this mindset change literally changes everything, from the guys you attract, how you date, the confidence energy you give off. It's you giving off the energy that you are comfortable and have a great life, and I want guys my standard to be a partner with.
2. Take some time off dating and reset. I found Matthew Hussey YouTube videos helpful to just learn how to communicate better and navigate the dating game.
3. Expand your platform in meeting people. Don't be afraid to go on dating apps. Find apps that are more for people looking for serious relationships.
4. Know what your deal breakers are but be prepared to relax other criteria to give people a go. You might find it surprising what new doors it opens.
5. Know you will be "rejected". Don't take dates too seriously at first. It's for you both to suss each other out. Put only as much effort as the other person. If it doesn't work out, don't take it to heart and move on quick. As Matthew Hussey puts it, be thankful the guys show you they are minimum investment type and you don't waste more time with those people. It's not worth thinking about them because they are stopping you from meeting Mr. Right. If Mr. Right is 15 swipes away and you spend 1 year with a flaky guy it's going to take you forever to get to the poor guy waiting for you.

Hope some of this helps.

I feel you!
I had a very similar situation after someone I genuinely believed I’d be with forever left me for someone else, it took about 8 years to meet someone else and have a relationship that lasted over a couple of months… I very much felt the same that no matter what I did it always seemed like the men I liked didn’t want anything more. It was very disheartening and sad. Anyway I did then meet someone, together a couple of years, had a baby and then broke up. Not looking forward to getting back in to the dating game (not that I can see this happening anytime soon!) I’ve not really got any advice as such just that you’re not alone & I also felt anyone I liked had an expiry date on how long they’d like me for before moving on and meeting someone they then decided to pursue a meaningful relationship with! But it definitely isn’t desperate to want a connection & someone to share things with.

Not sure of this applies to OP, but I found that it helps to reframe what makes a good relationship.

I think everybody's focus is too much on finding the person that's right for you the way they are at the moment. But people can grow, evolve and adapt. So instead of lowering your standard, maybe try focussing on a different criteria - the willingness to adapt and compromise, both in yourself and in potential partners. Take a look at yourself and see in what areas of your life you'd be happy to change for the right person.
There will always be some lines in the sand where you aren't willing to compromise (having a child is usually one of them). But most of us just put too many things in this category - on both sides.
Relationships are built, not found... the rare time when somebody finds the perfect match is really not as common as people think.

And there's a period where two people usually don't mesh well - it's usually after the first intense period when the excitement wears off and you haven't adjusted to each other yet. Everything just rubs on each other and feels like it isn't working. So basically at the moment when you currently ask men if they want to be dedicated, they see the misalignment and the work that's coming their way.

You might achieve more if you don't look at milestones that need to be ticked off but at gradual progress and growth towards each other - and start looking at compromises as a win, not as a loss. It means two people with different experiences, genders and perspectives have managed to find common ground...

I totally relate to everything you are saying but my solution to all of this was to focus on loving myself and not depending on anyone else to make me happy. The divorce rate is very high so I wouldn't put too much stock in other people's relationships -- especially since half of the men on dating apps are there to cheat on their spouses/partners. A lot of women also compromise themselves in order to be in a relationship and I'm not willing to do that so ....

Lots of men just want sex and don't want to be in a relationship. It's just the way it is and I've accepted that as well as the fact that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life.

It's actually ok to be alone -- it's not a bad thing and, in fact, it can be the most powerful thing you can do for yourself.

It's actually ok to be alone -- it's not a bad thing and, in fact, it can be the most powerful thing you can do for yourself.

It can be the saddest thing, too. If you don't want it, it is soul destroying.
I hope everyone who does not want this is able to find a good partner.

I think it’s worth remembering what you have just said. Many couples are not actually happy. I didn’t meet my soulmate until my late 30s and I was much better off being single than being in an unhappy relationship. I do get it though, because I used to worry all the time that I wouldn’t find the right person for me. But honestly, I think a lot of people don’t and just make do, but don’t feel they can be honest about it. If it helps, I gave up ‘trying’ for 2 years before meeting dh. No online dating, no joining clubs ‘because I might meet someone’. It happened late for me but I realise how lucky I am.
You’ve still got lots of time so focus on what you want, rather than focusing on why men don’t want you.