To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

[Iwilldrawjapan]

The main source of my mental health problems has been men.
I'm 33 years old and except for my very first boyfriend aged 18, who I left when I was 20, no guy has ever fallen madly in love with me.

I'm fully aware I don't need a man in my life to be happy but I'm only human and it's natural to want a connection with somebody. Not that it's attractive to admit that, mind. You're supposed to not be looking at all and absolutely love being single until someone unexpectedly falls into your lap, otherwise you're 'desperate'.

I'd be ok with it if more people chose to be single, however I hardly know anyone who's single, every bloody person I know is with someone, especially at this age, this is the worst age for me.

Men like me and find me attractive, they just don't want to date me seriously/don't want to marry me/just don't fall in love.

Everyone seems to have some guy become absolutely obsessed with them and just really want to marry them.
Guys mainly use me for an ego boost but I'm just not the one for them.

People sprout mindless fucking clichés at me all the time 'Oh it'll happen when you least expect it!' well here's the thing, I'm not 'expecting' it at all, and guess what, nobody's fallen into my lap.

'Just go online!' like it's that easy, it really isn't.
I'm attractive physically, I have stuff going for me, I travel, I am financially independent, I own property, I have hobbies, good family relationship, I have friends. In other areas of my life all is great.

I'm really not desperate, I'm sure someone will be along to tell me I'm coming across as desperate but I have turned down men too, I would not date just anyone.
My standards are not too high, either. If anything I'm very likely considered out of these men's leagues. They're just very ordinary, average men, but I liked them.

People I've dated have either not wanted a relationship after 2 months, or not wanted a bigger commitment after a few years.

Life isn't fair I guess, people will tell me to 'love myself first ' and all the usual crap. Having 10,000 hobbies is no replacement for a happy relationship. I'm sick of seeing the happy couple photos on Facebook, posing with their husband and holding the baby.

Maybe I will meet someone, but for 13 years I've had bad luck. I've never been anyone's 'one'.

I can't have a child alone, I don't have local family, I can't afford to be a single parent financially or otherwise, period.

Honestly, my mental health has been shot to pieces. Life still has meaning, but it's unfair that I'm deprived of what seems to come so easily to other people.

I'm attractive physically, I have stuff going for me, I travel, I am financially independent, I own property, I have hobbies, good family relationship, I have friends. In other areas of my life all is great.

All of this is great but what are you like as a person? What are you like to spend time with? Are you outgoing, upbeat, fun, spontaneous? Dramatic, depressive, emotionally unavailable, stand offish?

I just feel like I'm not cut out for dating.
I don't feel that I have it in me to be ruthless, to do the whole 'why men love bitches' thing, to make them chase, and so on. I don't have it in me. Some of them have ridiculously high standards.

To the posters who asked, I think I'm good to spend time with too. I get told I'm really nice, fun, interesting, intelligent and that they really liked talking to me.

Also, I think I have stuff to offer but nobody has everything, and they cannot expect me to tick every single box when they aren't bringing the same thing themselves.

Some harsh replies on here considering op is hurting and some of y'all decide to overanalyze her mentioning married men to imply she sleeps with them?
Op I was in your situation for years but eventually found someone it can happen unexpectedly but I completely get it feels like shit before you meet them and you think you'll be alone forever. Just keep going you will get there eventually

Could be something in this, I'm not much older that OP, I'm married and had 2 other serious relationships. I don't recall any conversations about being official, it just naturally progressed and there was an unspoken understanding that we don't see other people.

I understand what OP means, though. Women are told from a young age that our beauty is the most valuable thing about us, and that is also definitely reflected in dating patterns and choice of partner. I think where OP is going wrong is actually in dating men who are less attractive and successful than she is. Those men probably have tall poppy syndrome and as OP says, use her for an ego boost before going on to someone whom they feel they can be mediocre around.

if you hadn’t clarified that you’re a woman

i’d honestly think that this was a scary man angry that no woman wants to be with him

You seem to be blaming everyone else for your problems, is it really men who have shattered your mental health or is it your choices and seeming desperation that are ruining your mental health.

Everything seems others fault take control and responsibility for your life and stop hanging it on getting a man.

Why are you only going for men in their 20s? that age are very unlikely to want to commit so early - its a time for testing the waters and dating lots of people to figure out which kind of partner is best for you.

Men in their 20s dont want to think about settling down and kids- thats something most people do when they get to 30 and above. Obviously not all, but generally speaking, most of my male friends didnt settle down long term until into their 30s and were quite immature in their 20s.

You say you cant meet anyone who wants a commitment but that could easily be why- why not broaden your age range (I am NOT saying much older men btw, just someone in their 30s). You also say it wont be different but you dont know that if you haven't tried it.

The op isn’t targeting only these men, she’s dating anyone basically with minor amount of rejections

Some really unpleasant responses on this thread...

I think many women your age are in the same situation: attractive, financially independent with a full life with hobbies and friends, yet can't find a decent partner who can commit.

I think this has a lot to do with:

-online dating: it seems to have made men less willing to commit and obsessed about always looking for someone else
-the fact that many men are still not able to handle successful women.

OP, I think the advice if you are online dating is to not waste too much time on men who are just playing the game and have not intention to commit.

Get rid if there is no progress after a few dates and avoid having sex with them too early. Make your expectations clear from the start: you are looking for someone who can commit and have a family with. Don't settle for the 'let's see where it gets us' or 'let's take things slowly' brigade. Helps filter out the time wasters.

Personally I completely gave up on online dating and I think dating apps/websites do affect people's self-esteem and mental well-being.

It is always better to try to meet people in real life through shared interests/hobby/work/friends.

Majority of men in their 30s already seem to be married/in a LTR.

Haven't heard of tall poppy syndrome but will look it up now.

That's such a shitty thing to say.

All the women that have had a ltr with these men are mediocre?

Honestly telling someone ' you are just to amazing and gorgeous and successful for these men, then need medicare women' is shitty and not helpful to the Op at all.

Well, that’s what I thought too. But then you look at the Relationships board and it seems if you don’t make it official it’s assumed you’re FWB and it’s fine to fuck other people. Reason #195393573 I have no interest in dating anymore.

I totally get what you mean op. I think 33 can be a rough age for women dating men. It's traditional settling down age, but most men aren't going to be interested in that till they've known you a few years at least, and then some men choose to settle down with someone late 20s / early 30s, by which time you'll be late 30s. It sucks. Some men do seem to take advantage of the situation as well. I've heard a guy bragging about how all the women he never had a chance with in his twenties are all over him now (in their 30s).

I hear you my lovely. I am an old old woman now but when I was young I found it almost impossible to get and keep a relationship with a man. I had a decade long dry spell and then met my DH at 36, baby at 38. And, not to brag, but I was absolutely georgeous then. I hope it happens for you.

It was your comment about Tell me... without telling me...

It seems to me that you don't want to listen to people if they say things you don't want to here.

It may be that these are the people you most need to listen to.

Men in their 20s don’t want to settle down, OP. Look for around the 35-37 mark.

I know a few women (in their 30s) who go for men in their 20s, they like the ‘cute boyband’ look but they’re often a bit mentally immature themselves and as such the relationship usually ends before it really began as both act a bit like children.

I'm no longer paying attention to the 'desperate" replies. There's really no point, it's just a meaningless insult thrown around designed to make people feel bad.

Agree it’s clearly not tall poppy syndrome.,I think the posters were just being kind.

You don't sound angry OP and you don't sound like hard work. I'm shocked at some of the replies here. How to kick a woman when she's down.
How do I know this? Because as I said in my earlier post I could have written this myself at 33. Also at 40. You get my drift. I did everything joined groups, did hobbies etc etc.
I didn't get married until I was 51, met him at 50. He's wonderful and makes me laugh every day. I knew I was lovable in a romantic sense and it was just timing and luck that I met him. There is NOTHING I could have done to make that happen any quicker.

Good points for discussion here. I think we don't have these conversations enough and it can lead to people settling for the wrong person as they couldn't just say "I feel lonely... I don't know why it's just not working... I am feeling desperate... i want to be loved... friends, job etc,. Aren't enough"

However, it is so hard to formulate a response to that which isn't cliche loaded. But some acknowledgement that it is crap being lonely and becomes harder to meet/connect with people as so much of your time is spent solo - I feel for my DM who has been alone for about 15 years and tbf didn't marry very good men previously. She is so lonely but I do not know what to suggest as she doesn't want to compromise her lifestyle.

Sorry, OP this might not be relevant to you but PP made some good points.

As a slight aside from the main topic, I really wouldn't take married men trying it on for attention/ego boost or more as having anything to do with you personally/a reflection of how men see you.

I have had married men flirt and give come on's and act inappropriately from when I joined the workplace at 16/17. It never stops. It's absolutely typical behaviour for a considerable portion of men.

They tend to do it considerably more to women they think are single. I'm guessing because you're seen as available, the fantasy suits them better (they don't have to think about you shagging & spending time with a partner), there's no risk of a partner coming after them if you relay their behaviour, they think that all single people are desperate for attention, sex etc..

There is a really opportunistic, verging on predatory, attitude behind it.

It's entirely a reflection on them, not you.

I think I’ve figured out why you’re still single. If you don’t want to take blunt advice there’s no point complaining about it.

Iwilldrawjapan,
You are getting the goads and trolls on here now - always happens after a while.
It's not you. You are not looking for anything outrageous or unusual.
It's no wonder you want to vent.

Actually, I'd leave the thread because the responses you are getting now will make you feel worse.
Let the goads have the thread to themselves, but maybe take a look at the serious dating agencies.
Really, it's not you. It's the reality of dating in your thirties, and it can be overcome.