To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

[Iwilldrawjapan]

The main source of my mental health problems has been men.
I'm 33 years old and except for my very first boyfriend aged 18, who I left when I was 20, no guy has ever fallen madly in love with me.

I'm fully aware I don't need a man in my life to be happy but I'm only human and it's natural to want a connection with somebody. Not that it's attractive to admit that, mind. You're supposed to not be looking at all and absolutely love being single until someone unexpectedly falls into your lap, otherwise you're 'desperate'.

I'd be ok with it if more people chose to be single, however I hardly know anyone who's single, every bloody person I know is with someone, especially at this age, this is the worst age for me.

Men like me and find me attractive, they just don't want to date me seriously/don't want to marry me/just don't fall in love.

Everyone seems to have some guy become absolutely obsessed with them and just really want to marry them.
Guys mainly use me for an ego boost but I'm just not the one for them.

People sprout mindless fucking clichés at me all the time 'Oh it'll happen when you least expect it!' well here's the thing, I'm not 'expecting' it at all, and guess what, nobody's fallen into my lap.

'Just go online!' like it's that easy, it really isn't.
I'm attractive physically, I have stuff going for me, I travel, I am financially independent, I own property, I have hobbies, good family relationship, I have friends. In other areas of my life all is great.

I'm really not desperate, I'm sure someone will be along to tell me I'm coming across as desperate but I have turned down men too, I would not date just anyone.
My standards are not too high, either. If anything I'm very likely considered out of these men's leagues. They're just very ordinary, average men, but I liked them.

People I've dated have either not wanted a relationship after 2 months, or not wanted a bigger commitment after a few years.

Life isn't fair I guess, people will tell me to 'love myself first ' and all the usual crap. Having 10,000 hobbies is no replacement for a happy relationship. I'm sick of seeing the happy couple photos on Facebook, posing with their husband and holding the baby.

Maybe I will meet someone, but for 13 years I've had bad luck. I've never been anyone's 'one'.

I can't have a child alone, I don't have local family, I can't afford to be a single parent financially or otherwise, period.

Honestly, my mental health has been shot to pieces. Life still has meaning, but it's unfair that I'm deprived of what seems to come so easily to other people.

Genuine question, what does being desperate look like?
I'm busy, I have my life, I don't want to constantly text, I have rejected 2 guys this year, that's all.

Ahh ok.

We're all different and at that early stage, I would only just be thinking about getting intimate.

That's why I said I wouldn't be sure if I wanted to be official.

I don’t think the OP sounds ‘incredibly angry’!

I mean I didn't necessarily pin them down and say, right, are we official now? It was more that they suddenly started slow fading me, then I questioned their feelings. They'd been too cowardly to just end it.

I don't think you sound desperate or bitter or any of the things that have been thrown at you. It's frustrating and sad and the bad luck feels really unfair.

I totally felt like this in my 20s and was very lucky to meet DH randomly at 29. I don't have advice OP, I'm sorry but I get you and I empathise.

I get it OP, it’s perfectly bloody normal to want a life partner. Ignore the nasty superior comments.

I used to get “are you sure you’re not coming across desperate” when I was single and I used to think “yes but clearly you are given the state of your husband” as these types of women are often full of false superiority whilst married to men most of us wouldn’t touch with a barge pole.

Tips from me, as someone who’s been there and is now happily married to a great man:

Read why men love bitches and take on board any of the advice you feel is sensible
Keep going with OLD (where I eventually met mine and many people I know did) treat it like a second job
Ditch men at the first sign of just wanting sex, commitment phobe or other undesirable traits and move straight on to focusing your energy on the next
Widen your search criteria, not saying drop your standards but consider different locations, jobs, heights etc.

Most of all keep going and don’t give up!

Are they mainly matches from online dating?

It's quite common for men and women to sleep with someone a few times, and then move on after a couple of months.

Like the 'chase' has ended, so they go in search of more fun with others.

Because for a lot of people, dating is just a bit of fun.

Thank you, I appreciate it. If more people were single, I wouldn't care. But none of them bloody are!
I have 1 single gay male friend who is very happy casually dating and no intention of more.

Most were from uni/through friends.
One was from OLD, admittedly this was my fault as he left traveling for a few months but claimed we'd be back together as soon as he returned. One week into being there he got into a relationship with a woman he met there but failed to tell me this, he's now engaged to her.

Write a list for yourself rather than on here of

Their name, age and how long you went out and why you think you broke up.

Are there patterns?

I know how you feel OP. I find it easy enough to meet men who want to date me short term, then it's always the usual "you're a great person, I just don't see a future". The only long term relationships I've had have unfortunately been abusive. I feel shit sometimes that the only men who want a relationship with me are the ones who want to abuse me.

I've been single for a while, worked on myself yada yada. I feel okay being single for now but I do wish to one day experience true, healthy love. I've never experienced that and it doesn't feel fair.

I too despise the notion of "you'll met someone when you're not looking". How are we supposed to meet someone if we're not looking?? We as human beings are social creatures, it's literally in our nature to seek companionship. As you say, all the hobbies in the world aren't really a substitute for that. Friends are great, but they don't fulfil the need for a romantic connection.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but I think a lot of the responses here just aren't getting it so I wanted to say that I absolutely understand.

I get you OP.

I think you need to be looking, make a plan. It's not you, it's who you are meeting - or not meeting.

I would seriously look at some of the old fashioned dating companies, where people pay, and hopefully they want a partner, and don't lack commitment. The problem with OLD is that it's like kids in a sweet shop.
Ignore the posters saying you sound angry or desperate, you get the goads on these threads.

For what it's worth, I met mine when I was 40, I certainly was looking, getting desperate, and he did fall into my lap - or rather crashed into my car - and we have been very happy.

If you particularly want to parent but don't feel that single parenthood through sperm donation is for you, have you considered fostering? (I appreciate this doesn't help you find a boyfriend - if anything it might hinder it - but it might add an additional dimension to your life which you currently feel locked out from).

All I know is that they were all under 30, most couldn't even give a tangible reason.

One said I wasn't a 'challenge'
One said I was too shy.
One said I was beautiful and he was ugly (?)
One went abroad and met his girlfriend
One just 'suddenly' lost interest, no reason
One 'wasnt over his ex'
One 'doesnt date colleagues "
Etc etc

One was abusive, cheated on me and said he was bored. The other just didn't want any form of commitment even after years.
The only one was my very first boyfriend, but I bet even he would've left.

Hi OP,

You say that you have also rejected guys that have been interested in you, what were your reasons?

You need to meet more single people. I have a lot of single friends who all live fantastic filled lives. I envy them much of the time.

I wonder if you would benefit from doing something a bit crazy such as travelling alone for a while (if work can give you a sabbatical) or give up your job to work abroad for a charity where you get bed and board but little else?

OP, I do understand where you’re at because I had similar experiences when I was younger. Sometimes we need to get off the merry-go-round and do something different to help change our perspectives.

I've already been abroad and I do plenty of sports, languages etc. However, nothing whatsoever can make up for coming home to an empty flat every single day. Nothing.

It snacks of privilege for coupled up people to keep saying 'you need to work on yourself/love yourself!) (people IRL I mean)

Usually because they were pushy and became aggressive when I politely declined.
I met one for a date last month and he had a very strange way of talking, tried to put his half chewed up food on my place and grabbed my waist to 'guide' me across the road.
But honestly I've hardly turned down anyone.

Maybe the problem is the guys you're choosing? Those all look like "I want to try something else" excuses, not actual genuine reasons.

Have you examined your selection criteria? I'm not suggesting that you lower your standards, but rather that you see if there's any common thread that results in you picking flakes.

For a start, if you're in your 30s and they're all in their 20s, then that could be part of it (not saying it is, just a starting point).

For full disclosure, I don't know much about guys...switched sides years ago, which really just resulted in a whole different set of problems ;)

I think you need to stop worrying about looking desperate. Unfortunately you do need to relentlessly pursue what you want in life and finding a life partner is not easy.

You’re doing everything right in terms of keeping up a fulfilling life for yourself. You simply need to keep looking and dating more men until you find one it works out with. Don’t settle straightaway, date multiple men at the same time if possible before jumping to exclusivity.

It feels like a desperately lonely hinterland until it doesn’t…

You need to join a proper paid for dating agency. There are plenty of crappy dating apps and sites, but you need a more credible one. I met dh through an online dating agency back in 2000 and we're still going strong. He's a decent man, they do exist, but stay away from the usual online dating places.

'The only one was my very first boyfriend, but I bet even he would've left'

NO. Stop it now. Stop thinking that this is your fault. Make a plan, and move forward.
For those saying meet single people, get a hobby, you just don't get it. Most people want to be in a loving relationship, despite having an otherwise fulfilled life. Most people want to be in a couple.
OP does not need advice on how to enjoy being single. That's for when she is elderly.
Trying to meet your partner in your 30's is really tough.

Try a dating agency.

You need therapy, not a relationship.
It's not down to a future partner to fix you and your self worth is definitely not dependent on a man deeming you worthy of him.

You need to love and respect yourself before you can expect anyone else to.