To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

[Iwilldrawjapan]

The main source of my mental health problems has been men.
I'm 33 years old and except for my very first boyfriend aged 18, who I left when I was 20, no guy has ever fallen madly in love with me.

I'm fully aware I don't need a man in my life to be happy but I'm only human and it's natural to want a connection with somebody. Not that it's attractive to admit that, mind. You're supposed to not be looking at all and absolutely love being single until someone unexpectedly falls into your lap, otherwise you're 'desperate'.

I'd be ok with it if more people chose to be single, however I hardly know anyone who's single, every bloody person I know is with someone, especially at this age, this is the worst age for me.

Men like me and find me attractive, they just don't want to date me seriously/don't want to marry me/just don't fall in love.

Everyone seems to have some guy become absolutely obsessed with them and just really want to marry them.
Guys mainly use me for an ego boost but I'm just not the one for them.

People sprout mindless fucking clichés at me all the time 'Oh it'll happen when you least expect it!' well here's the thing, I'm not 'expecting' it at all, and guess what, nobody's fallen into my lap.

'Just go online!' like it's that easy, it really isn't.
I'm attractive physically, I have stuff going for me, I travel, I am financially independent, I own property, I have hobbies, good family relationship, I have friends. In other areas of my life all is great.

I'm really not desperate, I'm sure someone will be along to tell me I'm coming across as desperate but I have turned down men too, I would not date just anyone.
My standards are not too high, either. If anything I'm very likely considered out of these men's leagues. They're just very ordinary, average men, but I liked them.

People I've dated have either not wanted a relationship after 2 months, or not wanted a bigger commitment after a few years.

Life isn't fair I guess, people will tell me to 'love myself first ' and all the usual crap. Having 10,000 hobbies is no replacement for a happy relationship. I'm sick of seeing the happy couple photos on Facebook, posing with their husband and holding the baby.

Maybe I will meet someone, but for 13 years I've had bad luck. I've never been anyone's 'one'.

I can't have a child alone, I don't have local family, I can't afford to be a single parent financially or otherwise, period.

Honestly, my mental health has been shot to pieces. Life still has meaning, but it's unfair that I'm deprived of what seems to come so easily to other people.

What a nasty, misogynistic post.

Volunteer to get away from all this self-absorption.
It will come across in your body language.
Perhaps you’ll meet someone or maybe you won’t.
Thats life

I think some people on this thread are being rude and obtuse @Iwilldrawjapan. It’s evident that this is a source of pain for you and that you find it distressing and you are absolutely entitled to feel the way you feel.

I have quoted the above however because I think your own narrative around being in a relationship could do with some work. Why are you giving all these assholes the license and then the headspace to make you feel so bad? This has nothing to do with your worth and consequently your self worth. Why afford these fuckwits that opportunity? Who are they to you and does their opinion really matter on the grand scheme of things?

As someone who married at 36, after a relatively short courtship and now with gorgeous children and a lot of love, I am really glad I hung on for the right person. And I know it feels more difficult in your 30s but you know yourself better and if you do meet someone then how wonderful. You also have to imagine a future where you may not. And I think accepting this, taking time away from dating and ultimately deciding if people are worthy of dating you and all you have to offer is where the sweet spot lies.

Please give yourself a break. You don’t necessarily need therapy or anything but take some time away from dating and ease that self enforced pressure. I appreciate that this is something you want but you are potentially jaded and may benefit hugely from deciding that this simply isn’t going to be something you will
pursue for the next 6-12 months:

I wish you well xx

I hear a lot of women talk like this but you ask a single run of the mill guy how many dates or even matches he gets in a year, when it comes to dating it is 100% a woman's world.

@CountessWindyBottom what a lovely supportive post, in stark contrast to many on here! The OP may or may not heed your advice but regardless, I think a compassionate, understanding reading of the situation such as yours, is far more beneficial than the ' beat with a stick until it complies ' approach! I hope the OP is still around and reading some of these posts - lots of us have gone through very similar and we get how painful it is.

It really takes a special kind of person to write a post so hateful, cruel, misogynistic and revolting, and still think that the problem lies with anyone who responds badly to it. I'm very happily married with kids and nothing to prove and I think it's foul.

I know you think I'm reacting to your statement that men tend to prefer younger women and some people don't get married and I just can't handle the truth, but I'm not. I'm reacting to how you are so clearly trying to wound someone who is struggling, who has had thoughts of suicide in the past, and who has done nothing to you and who you wouldn't bloody know if she bit you on the arse. To be fair, you aren't the only one though.

It's entirely possible to acknowledge realities of the situation without being a complete hole about it. Plenty of posters have.

OP, there’s something sort of transactional about all your posts on this thread and I think the other one which I also commented on.

Boyfriend/partner/husband relationships are more than friend + sex = marriage material. There’s another level.

You sound as though you can make solid connections, have good relationships with colleagues, have plenty of friends and good family relationships. But even setting aside your resentment (and yes 30-45 is the absolute worst age for being unwillingly single), it’s like you’re missing a trick. If rejection has been going on for 12 years, that’s not just bad luck - you’re the common denominator.

It’s not about tricks or a game or feminine wiles or whatever. It’s something else and it sounds to me like you feel that if you do abc that your DESERVE a ltr.

This book is the stuff of legends. I absolutely LOVE it.

It must be looking at the 15 thanks I have received already for suggesting it! 😁

Sorry you are having such a a hard time OP - both in your life and in the comments!

I sounds tough and I get why you feel the way you do, I don't know why this keeps happening to you, sounds like you have had more than your fair share of idiots! I know with me and many others, meeting their partners/husbands has been down to right place right time luck, or a serious of life decisions that lead to them - maybe this just hasn't happened for you yet. You are no less valuable because of this!

With the work thing, I worked with my husband for over a year before we started getting closer and eventually dating, I even dated someone else at work during the time we were just colleagues, the other guy was an idiot and I vowed to never date someone at work again, luckily I didn't stick to it!

Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with you, I don't think you need to improve yourself and enjoy being single more, it does not sound like you are desperate just frustrated and that's ok. Therapy may help when when you get off the waiting list but not so much from an improvement perspective just from a help you deal with the feelings perspective.

I will keep my fingers crossed for you OP, I hope you find what you are looking for and can look back and realize it all led you there. All the best x

Have you followed Matthew Hussey?

Dating is a numbers game and figuring out the quickest way to meet guys to find the right one for you. It sounds like the ones you met so far isn't right for various reasons and you feel like you had to "lower your standards" for an average guy. Don't spend too much time thinking about the past or guys that isn't worth your time that stops you from finding the right one in the future.

Good luck

I met DH on holiday when I was about 34. Just out of a four year abusive relationship and not looking at all. And if I had been - he wouldn't have ticked any boxes on a OLD profile.

Luckily - F2F can be more reliable. It was pure chance - a friend of an old friend so we got chatting. 25 years later, 2 kids - you just never know!

I hope you find what you're looking for. It is just so random. Please don't start judging yourself, it's not you, it's them....

Hi, I'm a psychologist and counsellor, If i was you I would pay for private therapy, you need to find out/ get to the bottom of what's driving your anger, then work on yourself from their. Your whole attitude is not attractive.

Your whole attitude is not attractive

😱. Wtaf? this is why therapy is so dangerous, when there are “counsellors” out there like this!

So your message to OP is that she is the problem: she’s not in a relationship and keeps getting rejected by men because she’s not attractive enough.
She’s not attractive enough, because of her “attitude” - which is what? - having an emotional reaction to being rejected and feeling she wants and deserves a partner?

What is wrong with you?

I think you need to go back to school or start a new profession. Perhaps some private therapy to work on yourself 🤔🤨

That last phrase is really concerning given your "profession" tbh.

Hi OP, I skipped over the bunfights and 'what you're doing wrong' posts to say I totally agree with your post. I'm still single (and a lot older than you), and I don't know what's more exhausting, dealing with well-meaning suggestions/ platitudes, or the sheer exhaustion of conforming to the 'single gal' script.

Ultimately, it comes down to luck - maybe there is someone for everyone, but it's a big planet and there's no guarantee you'll cross paths.

My advice would be to imagine how your life would be if you took away the waiting/searching/hoping for a partner. How would things look? How do you fill your time? What do you want to do? Then start doing that and living your life like that.

My biggest regret is that I wasted years waiting/ searching/hoping for something that was not coming. I should have got on with things sooner!

I don’t think you are desperate, you are just so frustrated you are, reasonably, very angry and dating someone who is very angry is difficult as so many things trigger them, so you just end up walking over eggshells all the time.

One thing that is important to understand is that the social convention for ending a relationship is to mention the nice qualities of the person you are ending with and then blaming yourself for ending it. Both things are bullshit, they just don’t want to say what the problem is as they may have mentioned many times in the past of simply, they never wanted the relationship to be anything serious but, whatever the reason, they don’t want to talk about it as they have already checked out and have no interest in fixing it.

I agree that it is very very irritating people suggesting you are better off single if that is not what you want, and yes, many of those saying get a life, a new hobby, volunteer and all that shit are TOTALLY missing the point. I have a life, a hobby I am committed too, have volunteered but didn’t find it challenging enough and yes, I have plenty of friends and an active social life, but… they are not there every night to talk about my day. I can be embroidering all day long, out in the wild painting watercolours, but that doesn’t mean that thing is talking to me or fulfilling any romantic desires.

I suggest you take a step back from trying to find someone for a few months, just to allow that anger to go down as nobody can be good company in the long run when chronically angry.

And read that book (Why Men Marry Bitches), if not helpful at least you will find it funny.

Lisajane47 · Today 06:15
Hi, I'm a psychologist and counsellor, If i was you I would pay for private therapy, you need to find out/ get to the bottom of what's driving your anger, then work on yourself from their. Your whole attitude is not attractive.

If you were, you would not have posted this.

I really hope OP has abandoned the thread because of the sheer nastiness. Thank you to the ones who get it.

they are not there every night to talk about my day
But neither are all partners. And there's always the Internet if you want to talk about your day.

Hi, I'm a psychologist and counsellor, human and normal person. If i was you I would resign immediately as the job is clearly not working out, then pay for private therapy. You need to find out/ get to the bottom of what's driving your anger, then work on yourself from their there. Your whole attitude is not attractive actively dangerous for potentially vulnerable patients who might see you.

If someone wants a partner who is around multiple nights each week, then the partner they pick will fit that brief. If you don't want a partner who'll talk with you then WTF is even the point?

Hi, I'm a psychologist and counsellor

No you're not.

A thirty-something woman OLD is like trying to hold a christening at an orgy .
Your not the problem of course your good enough ! The problem is the liberation of women being birth control making sex on tap with no repercussions add streaming that to a phone with pictures alongside only fans thriving not only do men get to choose but they can purchase the thrill of the chase and ego boost. We haven’t invented the commitment app yet 😬. Marriage is not seen as the holy sanctity that it was so affairs or bailing out is no big deal. The very female quality we have of child rearing birthing etc now certainly has no status, no income value anything domestic is low paid nursing, carers vital work but we reward being like a man where their strengths lay. So success is measured to achievement not by raising your children but mainly in this era its about money wealth enrichment seen as success. Next we will have sexbots . If we can create emotionally intelligent men that want to share the domestic load and see being married with children and raising those children as success internally then it would make life a lot better for women. So personally I would say hold off the intimate stuff until they have a chance to know you let them jump through some hoops and invest some precious time on you to prove they are genuine and they as a mature adult male must be able to communicate with you effectively with some emotional intelligence basically they need to be kind as a human thats personally what my filter was and its when I stopped being taken down deadend alley . Which is no fun when the baby clock is ticking. Keep holding your standards because settling is quite often a comprise and that has its own trappings which can frustrate. Being under a Patriarchy sucks even childbirth has been industrialised but I do feel things get so bad that they turn around and I can see a new horizon because young women are questioning the pill taking hormones, childrearing in this set up so change is going to happen. We have working from home so work has been reintroduced to the home so status and value is slowly coming back to home and community rather then the industrialised model outside of a domestic setting where we have to pretend that our home lives don’t have value and are a distraction when actually its the very thing we want to build our nest .

OP is probably not going to come back now, and I don't blame her. I know AIBU can be harsh but some of the answers on here are just cruel.
OP if you do read this remember that happy people are not mean and these nasty answers reflect more on their own lives than yours.