To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

[Iwilldrawjapan]

The main source of my mental health problems has been men.
I'm 33 years old and except for my very first boyfriend aged 18, who I left when I was 20, no guy has ever fallen madly in love with me.

I'm fully aware I don't need a man in my life to be happy but I'm only human and it's natural to want a connection with somebody. Not that it's attractive to admit that, mind. You're supposed to not be looking at all and absolutely love being single until someone unexpectedly falls into your lap, otherwise you're 'desperate'.

I'd be ok with it if more people chose to be single, however I hardly know anyone who's single, every bloody person I know is with someone, especially at this age, this is the worst age for me.

Men like me and find me attractive, they just don't want to date me seriously/don't want to marry me/just don't fall in love.

Everyone seems to have some guy become absolutely obsessed with them and just really want to marry them.
Guys mainly use me for an ego boost but I'm just not the one for them.

People sprout mindless fucking clichés at me all the time 'Oh it'll happen when you least expect it!' well here's the thing, I'm not 'expecting' it at all, and guess what, nobody's fallen into my lap.

'Just go online!' like it's that easy, it really isn't.
I'm attractive physically, I have stuff going for me, I travel, I am financially independent, I own property, I have hobbies, good family relationship, I have friends. In other areas of my life all is great.

I'm really not desperate, I'm sure someone will be along to tell me I'm coming across as desperate but I have turned down men too, I would not date just anyone.
My standards are not too high, either. If anything I'm very likely considered out of these men's leagues. They're just very ordinary, average men, but I liked them.

People I've dated have either not wanted a relationship after 2 months, or not wanted a bigger commitment after a few years.

Life isn't fair I guess, people will tell me to 'love myself first ' and all the usual crap. Having 10,000 hobbies is no replacement for a happy relationship. I'm sick of seeing the happy couple photos on Facebook, posing with their husband and holding the baby.

Maybe I will meet someone, but for 13 years I've had bad luck. I've never been anyone's 'one'.

I can't have a child alone, I don't have local family, I can't afford to be a single parent financially or otherwise, period.

Honestly, my mental health has been shot to pieces. Life still has meaning, but it's unfair that I'm deprived of what seems to come so easily to other people.

I used to feel like this, I met someone online dating age 34. Moved in 2 years later and married 2 years after that. We are 10 years in and very happy.

I haven't dated any married men.
I don't feel that I brag, I always show an interest in these men. If it is that, it's just another depressing fact that men want someone who's a bit 'lesser' maybe.

I wouldn't worry about it op.

A lot of people stay in relationships because they can't afford to be single. It's doesn't mean they are the best relationships.

You are financially independent- what does this mean? You have enough saved so you never have to work again? That is what true financial independence is. Do you have a pathway to achieve this on your own?

I think you need to change your mindset that men are choosing. A choice of a partner is a rational and an emotional decision. You don't need to hold out for undecided partners, date other men until you find someone who where you are both sure.

I think counselling is a very good idea, counselling can really help in learning how to love ourselves and create loving relationships.

There honestly isn't one way being better than the other, single or not single, they are just different. 30s can be hard, it gets better in 40s when you care less what people think.

Your ~2 months relationships, how do they end ? What do the men say is the reason why they don't want to continue ?

Am sure it will be hard to get reliable feedback - but is there a common thread ?

my point is

so much anger about married men

when it transpires your history with married men is a couple flirting with you

OP, I think you are getting harsh replies here. I’m in pretty much the same boat (a bit older though), and people do not understand how difficult it is. I have lots of friends and a great social life, but that’s slowing down as friends now busy with OHs, babies etc. The pit of loneliness from coming back to an empty house every day has really affected my mental health. It’s also the grief of not having the life I wanted- I naively presumed I’d be married with 2.5 children by now.
The worst bit is realising you are no-one’s priority, and it IS a feeling of constant rejection. I’m slightly different as in, I have been in serious relationships, and there was nothing wrong with either of us- they all ended amicably, we just weren’t right for each other. But have been single for 8 years now and it’s grinding me down.

Anyway, I also think you should push for the therapy. I’ve gone privately, as I could feel my (normally robust) mental health crumbling and my self esteem is shot to bits. Hopefully that will help me back onto an even keel. Best wishes.

This might sound bizarre but could you ask for feedback when things fizzle out? A friend of mine did this and found out that she was doing a couple of off- putting things on dates that she hadn't realised. She's since got married.

This is the point when I want it to become official but they 'suddenly' lose interest and claim they just don't 'have those feelings '. They usually try and slow fade me too as they're cowardly.

She must have skim read it😂

You sound as though you don't have a particularly high opinion of men.

Perhaps it takes them till around the two month mark to realise?

You're still young OP, not even mid 30s yet. I'm sure it'll happen eventually.

claim they just don't 'have those feelings '.

which is fair enough

They usually try and slow fade me too as they're cowardly.

probably rightfully scared at your reaction

I tried, one said I wasn't 'challenging' him enough (arsehole) one said I wasn't outgoing enough.
The others were just circumstances, one was because we worked together, and stuff like that.
But they always end up with 'the one' afterwards.

You aren't being helpful at all. Just stop posting on here please.

No she doesn't. She sounds aware of her feelings, and realistic in admitting she is disappointed and sad.

You sound easily terrified

The constant rejection is demoralising. They always say I'm great, attractive, lovely etc. They 'just don't have those feelings '.

I’m older so don’t understand the going official bit. If you continued the relationship without talking about that then maybe it would continue. I don’t think a lot of men (and women) like to be pushed into or made to feel that they are in something official until they’re ready. Maybe labelling it is the problem?

OP I am happily married with 2 kids, but I get it! It is normal to want to be someone's number 1, and to want a family in the traditional way. I have been a single parent, and, while no picnic - it's a million times better than feeling you've missed the boat.

I'm sure it will happen for you but I think if you want kids go for it anyway.

Before you ask for exclusivity, have you made them feel special ? That is - do you tend to be passive in the relationship and let them do all the chasing, organising and paying for everything ?

Am not advocating any kind of grandiose, expensive gestures - just trying to uncover perhaps a root cause that is not just bad luck !

Could it be that two months isn't long enough for anyone to want to make it official?

I'm not sure I would've been on enough dates in those few weeks to be able to decide.

You’ve got some kind of weird rosy view of what relationships are like and what they do for you. You wouldn’t have to look very far on mumsnet to see that people are married to losers, tossers, abusers, cheaters, and general all-round deadbeats. Or just marginally neutral and slightly unexciting men who neither fill them with great joy nor beat them up daily.
i’m second time married and broadly happy but then at other times I would kill for my independence again. The freedom to explore, take the job I want, go on the holiday I want, not be hassled. Every choice and life path has its pluses and has its minuses.

I get the frustration, as at points in my 30s I felt that way. But if I’m being honest, I think I was probably a little desperate and that it showed.

It’s interesting too that you talk about being picky, and turning plenty of people down. So at some level you clearly hold yourself in high regard. But I wonder what it is you think you offer to the world that means you should be getting a certain type of man, but only get offers from another? Are you as genuinely engaged in life and your hobbies as you think you are?

Maybe, I'm not sure how long they'd need? When you've been intimate with someone several times and been seeing them for a couple of months, I just don't see why they'd be reluctant to say you're their girlfriend?
Also, it wasn't just me saying that, it was them randomly slow fading me when I thought things were going well.

Dare I say it maybe it needs to be you who holds them at more of a distance whilst you assess whether they are good enough.

It's also not necessarily even having someone. It's not being right for anyone, not being deemed good enough to marry or be with long-term.

I hear you, I was in my 30’s single, living in London, really hankering after married life but not attracting guys who were in a similar place, I focused on career, then found that success intimidated some guys, I got fit and did the gym, only to find that this made Thursday night guys keen for sex only.

I remember having a serious conversation with my Mum and Step Dad about this, after a family event, where I’d entertained all the children, topped everyone’s drinks - generally life of the party looking after everyone but feeling sooooo lonely. I asked them to try and think of a suitor for me, at that point an arranged marriage would have been a great idea.

I met my DH at 34, random night out. If I hadn’t I imagine I would be happily living out in a commuter town with a dog considering sperm donor.

Stay strong, you sound fab, plan more trips away, get a pet? The solo traveller group trips are good

Yes, and that you think you are better than them. Why would they fall 'madly in love' with someone who thinks this of them? If anything I'm very likely considered out of these men's leagues. They're just very ordinary, average men