To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

[Iwilldrawjapan]

The main source of my mental health problems has been men.
I'm 33 years old and except for my very first boyfriend aged 18, who I left when I was 20, no guy has ever fallen madly in love with me.

I'm fully aware I don't need a man in my life to be happy but I'm only human and it's natural to want a connection with somebody. Not that it's attractive to admit that, mind. You're supposed to not be looking at all and absolutely love being single until someone unexpectedly falls into your lap, otherwise you're 'desperate'.

I'd be ok with it if more people chose to be single, however I hardly know anyone who's single, every bloody person I know is with someone, especially at this age, this is the worst age for me.

Men like me and find me attractive, they just don't want to date me seriously/don't want to marry me/just don't fall in love.

Everyone seems to have some guy become absolutely obsessed with them and just really want to marry them.
Guys mainly use me for an ego boost but I'm just not the one for them.

People sprout mindless fucking clichés at me all the time 'Oh it'll happen when you least expect it!' well here's the thing, I'm not 'expecting' it at all, and guess what, nobody's fallen into my lap.

'Just go online!' like it's that easy, it really isn't.
I'm attractive physically, I have stuff going for me, I travel, I am financially independent, I own property, I have hobbies, good family relationship, I have friends. In other areas of my life all is great.

I'm really not desperate, I'm sure someone will be along to tell me I'm coming across as desperate but I have turned down men too, I would not date just anyone.
My standards are not too high, either. If anything I'm very likely considered out of these men's leagues. They're just very ordinary, average men, but I liked them.

People I've dated have either not wanted a relationship after 2 months, or not wanted a bigger commitment after a few years.

Life isn't fair I guess, people will tell me to 'love myself first ' and all the usual crap. Having 10,000 hobbies is no replacement for a happy relationship. I'm sick of seeing the happy couple photos on Facebook, posing with their husband and holding the baby.

Maybe I will meet someone, but for 13 years I've had bad luck. I've never been anyone's 'one'.

I can't have a child alone, I don't have local family, I can't afford to be a single parent financially or otherwise, period.

Honestly, my mental health has been shot to pieces. Life still has meaning, but it's unfair that I'm deprived of what seems to come so easily to other people.

OP I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you, some people just miss the boat. You haven’t met someone at the right age and not you’re the wrong age to meet someone. Lots of people are just in the right place at the right time and get lucky. Not just in marriage but career, money, opportunities. Life isn’t fair and sometimes it doesn’t make sense but it just is what it is. There are definitely people more fucked up than you who have found a wonderful partner, that doesn’t mean anything. It’s just luck and that’s life.

keep your head up and just plough on. Try and enjoy life and I hope you eventually find someone or if not, you achieve something else that makes you happy.

it gets my goat when posters offer up the generic 'better off single 'statement, whilst they themselves are hypocritically part of a couple

But you are better off single than being in a shit relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. People in relationships may recognise that, because they have experienced the downsides of relationships.

One of the most useful pieces of advice I ever had was, "don't compare how you feel on the inside with how others appear on the outside." Most of us probably do that a lot, without remembering that when we meet people, they're often putting on a good show to the outside world, they've parked the argument they were having, hide the disappointment about another birthday being ignored with, "oh, it's daft to make a fuss once you're grown up," etc.

Being single is better than a lot of relationships - but it is easier if you can be in the position of choosing to turn men down, rather than feeling you're forced into singledom by a lack if other options.

(Still single in my 50s, never lived with anyone.)

Of course it's better off being single than in a crap relationship; I don't think anyone would argue differently. But what about the good relationships or even the mediocre sort? The type of relationships the majority enjoy? Is remaining single still best?

No one would disagree on paper/screen that it's better to be single than in a crap relationship - but plenty of people stay in rubbish relationships for FOG or other reasons. I have friends who've spent about 6 months of their adult lives single- with multiple partners, sometimes overlapping.

We probably don't have full consensus on what people count as good or mediocre- what some people think of as caring and solicitious, others might find smothering. We all have different needs and preferences which change over time - some people adjust to that, others don't. Being single might be better than constant low level disappointment in a relationship that isn't actually wrong, it's just not all hearts and flowers any more, or which is going through a hard patch, like frail parents and exam-taking teenagers alongside menopause. But it might be earthquake riding out till things are easier again. No one can make that decision for someone else.

It would be easier if there were a definitive list: behaviour X always deserves dumping, behaviour Y dump if conditions a,b, c also apply, Z always acceptable unless X applies. But life isn't black and white - when it better to be single will be a different marker for each of us. But I do think there's a lot of societal pressure in favour of relationships and some people would be better off being single.

I was never interested in "being in a relationship". Happy on my own, happy to be part of one, either worked. Weirdly, despite not being "stunning, model like, etc" type attractive (I've always been ok, if you like minimal effort), or particularly "typical" as a woman, it meant I wasn't short of offers. I was picky though.

Two of my oldest friends thought the only goal was to find someone to marry and have kids with. And I'm talking since teenager. They really struggled to get much interest (and were/are much better looking than me) and as a result they both grabbed onto the first person who suggested they may be interested in something long term.

They're both miserable. They got exactly what they wanted, husband and multiple children. But so many of the threads I read on MN about the run ragged wife who clearly despises her H but would never admit to that, could be them.

I am happily married. One beautiful DD. But even now, I know that to share my life/space with another person they need to be very special. If DH wasn't around, I wouldn't be looking. I'd much rather be single than settle for "mediocre" at best (as a poster after you has mentioned).

People who think that's the only future give off a vibe that they're only after that. And it puts people off. Most people want an interesting, special person to share their lives, not just mediocre for the sake of ticking boxes. And people deserve that. But the cliches are cliches for a reason.

Funny you should say that...

The two posters above, you're both right in your own way. The OP may end up in an utterly dire/ mediocre marriage or she may strike lucky and bag herself a gem of a man and live happily ever after. But that's not the problem - because right now she has neither on the horizon. the issue is how does she get from here to there?

By living her life. Meeting people, going on dates, weeding out the crap. Giving chances to people she would normally reject (for more superficial reasons, still reject the red flags). Widening her circle so she meets a wider variety of people.

I get everyone wants to vent sometimes. But getting to the point where you feel like ending your life over it means that you've become very tunnel visioned. And the rest of your life, the space where you have actual experiences and would be more likely to meet people, gets shoved out of focus.

Bring it back into focus. Shove the "lack of" to the fringes instead. People are drawn to interesting people.

Most people want an interesting, special person to share their lives, not just mediocre for the sake of ticking boxes.

I want interesting people. I want the ones who can talk about history, language, feminism, literature, art, gardens, sports, relationships, all sorts. And the ones who are great in bed. No one person can answer for all my needs, be it emotional or intellectual (or sexual, for that matter) - and I like to get different perspectives on things. I think people can expect an awful lot from one interesting, special person.

But one person can fulfil many of those needs. And friends and family fill in the blanks.

My DH cannot talk about literature to save his life. I love books. He built me a fabulous bookcase and I talk to my friends who also love literature about it. I don't sleep with them though.

If, however, someone is only interested in whether you're likely to be their future spouse / parent of your children, you're probably not going to seem that interesting to them.

I sympathise-I felt the same as you and after being dumped by someone I'd loved but who I found out had been repeatedly unfaithful, I married the wrong person. I was more lonely than you can imagine with him and felt terribly trapped until I divorced after 22 years (waited for children to grow up). I'm now single and content but I notice that many people my age stay in very unhappy marriages because they're scared to leave. I have been single shamed by them and members of my own family. They can all foxtrot Oscar as I fo as I please and feel very peaceful

Sorry I couldn't let this pass without commenting. Where had the OP mentioned anywhere in her posts that she's ONLY looking for her future spouse and has nothing interesting about her life to share and is entirely laser focused on meeting her future husband? She seems well rounded and plenty interesting to me with her career sorted, friends and her own property. I'm sure it's not intended, but your tone is coming across as a little ' smug married ' here. There's nothing to suggest in any of the OP s posts that she doesn't enjoy similar hobbies to yourself or enjoys good friendships or isn't as interesting a person as You. The only difference being, you were lucky and she hasn't been thus far.

The entire post is that she believes that's what her future depends on. She's said that she's considered ending her life over it.

I've read all her posts. She very much sounds like it consumes her. Which will come across whether it's intended or not.

I am lucky with my DH. But I also am lucky in that I am very content in myself, and was before I met him. I love him and our life very much. But I never needed a husband to be a complete and happy person. I already was one. I still am one. I will be one if the day ever comes that I don't have DH.

I think you are reading too much into OP having a big vent at the disappointment of not being quite where she wants to be. Big claps that you settled for a bloke whem you were young, but it's really ok for someone to be disappointed - especially when they don't have children. It's a biological response frankly that is common; just see how many of us who settled later in life have commented that they felt the same. Your response is common too, which is why single people so often stick to discussing such matters amongst other singles!

At what point did I say I was young? You're making assumptions there. I read what OP wrote and responded to it how I interpreted it.

And "I've considered ending my life over this" is not just a vent.

You are not young, you settled for a man young. Good luck when it's a good man, bad luck when it's a bad man. But very obvious to anyone who had a long time single in the ages 27-40.

Welcome to life sista! Please don't be naïve and think everything will be rosy with Mr right in your life. Sure some of things are better but lots of things can be WAAAAAAY worse.
I was single for forever so I hear you but the right guy came along and I got married at 42. Lots of my coupled friends are now divorced and married life brings a whole new set of challenges 😆 just read Mumsnet!!!!! The struggles are very real, run very deep and can be very painful. Throw kids inyo mix and u at a whole other level. That's my tuppence worth for what it's worth.
But I found being the only single one super hard too. So I do empathise and have no other advice than love Ur friends and family and enjoy doing all the things u r free to do before Mr right does appear. And he will🥰

😂😂

OK. You make all the assumptions you want. There was no settling. I was not young. Nor was he.

Being married doesn't mean we have no experience of being single. It doesn't mean we have no experience of life outside of a marriage, rosy or otherwise.

It comes across as very bitter when you talk about "smug marrieds" not knowing what single life is like.

Why are you putting so much value on men, whether you are desirable to them, whether they will develop feelings for you?

I'm single, have been so in the most part for 10 years. I've fleetingly felt what you describe in the earlier days but then pretty much every single one of my female friends moan about their useless partners and I'm genuinely thrilled I don't have to deal with this.

Do you have friends you can do things with - girls trips, dinner, movie night etc? Love comes in many different forms, it doesn't have to be romantic love. I got a dog!

Maybe you need to do a bit of work on yourself and your confidence to feel OK with your own company. It's OK to be single, and better to be single than with some arsehole just for the sake of being in a relationship.

Do you go for a certain type of man? If you're slightly masculine in behaviour (in you avt more the way a man would than the majority of women) have you tried dating men that are slightly softer?
Relationships (I think) are a balance, 2 masculine or 2 female people in a relationship doesn't always work. Maybe try someone you wouldn't normally go for?

Sorry if you have, totally get you must be frustrated to death right now.

Why are people on this site so goddamned mean!? It is unreal, so so nasty. I can only surmise that most of you are very unhappy and discontented, and avidly wait for threads like this so that they can pour bile on people who are having a rough time. Not a good look, loves. OP, I hope you're doing a little better today.

I feel terrible for saying this but most of the couples who seemed madly in love in their 30s are barely clinging on/ having affairs / getting divorced in their 40s. You’re under a huge amount of social pressure in your 30s to meet The One and have children and that forces people to couple up with people who are not ideal for them. It’s so unfair, particularly on women. I do feel for you and wish you weren’t so unhappy about your situation.

I have not used the term "smug marrieds", so am confused why you supposedly quote that.

I am not bitter, I am happily married.

I'm just asking you to stop being a bitch to OP because you clearly have no idea how she feels.

A PP used the term, sorry for confusing you with them. However. At no point was I a bitch to OP. I suggested she try shifting her focus to make it less tunnel visioned.

And I suggested that because I have seen it happen. I have seen friends become so wrapped up in wanting that "perfect" version of life that they simply cannot focus on anything else. I've picked my friend up off the floor when the latest loser left her in bits because she was certain this would be the time she fell madly in love. I've comforted my friends when they say they can't see the point in life when they can't find someone to have this with.

You, on the other hand, have been a bit of a bitch to me, for daring to suggest that she change her focus. Which, by the way, I did in response to a PP asking what needed to happen to help get OP to where she wants to be. That is my suggestion. Stop focusing on it and focus on yourself. Widen your social circle. You'll be amazed what might happen.

Ahh OP I’m sorry you are going through this. You are getting some crap advice on here.

1. Don’t take this on you. There is nothing wrong with you. So many men these days are just commitment phobes and think they can live their adolescence well into adult hood. So many really attractive, wonderful women are in the place
   you are.

2. Unfortunately these are the years where the men have all the power. There are so many women wanting to start families and worrying about their fertility. Meanwhile men sit pretty in the idea they have all the time in the world , and whenever they want they can just mate with a younger woman. Later in life the power shifts, when women no longer need men for reproduction and realise they are quite typically contributing far too little and asking far too much.

3. I was in your shoes once . For me the biggest fears I had were around my fertility as I just knew I wanted children and a family. The best advice I was given was from much older women . They said “if you want to have a baby, have a baby”. I was like - but I also want a relationship- they were like “of course! And a man will come along sooner or later if that’s what you want. There are always men around, but if you want a baby- have a baby!” It sounded all so simple put that way and it was. This was truly the best advice. I know you said that you don’t feel like you would cope with solo parenting - how about plutonic co-parenting as an option for starting a family ?

You say in your OP that your life depends on whether a man finds your worthy. It doesn’t. Society- the patriarchy taught you that. Take your life into your own hands- it’s yours to take. You just have to be brave enough x