To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

[Iwilldrawjapan]

The main source of my mental health problems has been men.
I'm 33 years old and except for my very first boyfriend aged 18, who I left when I was 20, no guy has ever fallen madly in love with me.

I'm fully aware I don't need a man in my life to be happy but I'm only human and it's natural to want a connection with somebody. Not that it's attractive to admit that, mind. You're supposed to not be looking at all and absolutely love being single until someone unexpectedly falls into your lap, otherwise you're 'desperate'.

I'd be ok with it if more people chose to be single, however I hardly know anyone who's single, every bloody person I know is with someone, especially at this age, this is the worst age for me.

Men like me and find me attractive, they just don't want to date me seriously/don't want to marry me/just don't fall in love.

Everyone seems to have some guy become absolutely obsessed with them and just really want to marry them.
Guys mainly use me for an ego boost but I'm just not the one for them.

People sprout mindless fucking clichés at me all the time 'Oh it'll happen when you least expect it!' well here's the thing, I'm not 'expecting' it at all, and guess what, nobody's fallen into my lap.

'Just go online!' like it's that easy, it really isn't.
I'm attractive physically, I have stuff going for me, I travel, I am financially independent, I own property, I have hobbies, good family relationship, I have friends. In other areas of my life all is great.

I'm really not desperate, I'm sure someone will be along to tell me I'm coming across as desperate but I have turned down men too, I would not date just anyone.
My standards are not too high, either. If anything I'm very likely considered out of these men's leagues. They're just very ordinary, average men, but I liked them.

People I've dated have either not wanted a relationship after 2 months, or not wanted a bigger commitment after a few years.

Life isn't fair I guess, people will tell me to 'love myself first ' and all the usual crap. Having 10,000 hobbies is no replacement for a happy relationship. I'm sick of seeing the happy couple photos on Facebook, posing with their husband and holding the baby.

Maybe I will meet someone, but for 13 years I've had bad luck. I've never been anyone's 'one'.

I can't have a child alone, I don't have local family, I can't afford to be a single parent financially or otherwise, period.

Honestly, my mental health has been shot to pieces. Life still has meaning, but it's unfair that I'm deprived of what seems to come so easily to other people.

I'm not sure people are making random assumptions, they're just responding to things you've said:

• that life is unfair because you're deprived of what comes to others easily (how do you know it came to them easily?)
• you've thought of ending your life over this
• that you're angry about it
• that you can't trust men anymore
• it's a man's world and all women are socialised into playing game to get a man interested
• you're sick of facebook photos of your friends being happy with their families

Your thread title literally states that you think your future depends on whether a man deems you good enough.

People are posting these response because of how your messages are coming across.

You miss the point. That was the good advice on how to meet decent men. Let me simplify. Stop simply TRYING to meet them and get out there and just meet lots of people and be your best self by enjoying yourself!! Because this is what makes you magnetic.

The people who need therapy are the people who feel they should hurt and goad a person who is merely venting her frustration.
But then you know that.
I cannot be bothered to argue with you.

But she is blaming men for he mental health, it not mentioned what has caused this.

But yeah if you don't want to hear opinions don't post, it's a forum to post, and it's in I am being unreasonable.

I hear you completely. I too struggled all my younger years to find that matching lasting relationship and eventually chalked it down to my neurodiversity, partly and my lack of interest/ability in being a career mum. I'm 51 now and entered into a relationship with a man from the USA who is also ND and had similar values and struggles. We meet a few weeks a year over me there and him here and whilst it's not conventional, it works and allows us both time for hobbies/interests/alone time we both need and so on. So whilst I am in an exlusive relationship, I live the semi single life in ways.

I get sick to the back teeth of the prejudice single or unmarried people face. Even here it gets used a lot to insult/gaslight "no wonder you're single". Like everyone who is married is perfect. Or there's not all sorts of shitty people managing to hold down relationships. If people weren't bullied so much for being single, maybe more people would opt to leave said shitty/toxic relationships.

"Oh, if you don't love yourself, no one else will and don't date until your mental health is fixed". Maybe the fix for mental health for many IS simply circumstances of feeling connected through a partner or friends who have the time for us and so on. We can keep loving ourselves but obviously it's hard as it's the society around us and how people react to us is what builds those "more confident" experiences. People can only do so much.

"The grass isn't greener. Marrage and kids are hard etc". I get it's hard at times and the comments come from a good place of heart but ultimetely, it's sold as a society as "greener" as most people are forking out THOUSANDS to make their relationships legal along with everyone else who knows them paying large amounts to celebrate too over it all. So it's a privilege of sorts.

It's perfectly understandable to wish the people around you were single, too. Just to want the human connection side of things people take for granted in the world of marriage, kids and so on.

I'd be happy to be friends with you and put the world to rights and chat about this topic in depth, if you ever want to reach out :-)

people need to stop with the ‘you need to work on yourself/how was your relationship with your dad’ nonsense as it reads that you’re only gonna find love if you’re in the best possible place with your life, which simply isn’t true. Some of my best friends were actually in the worst places of their lives with they met their husbands; one had extreme anxiety (still does 25 Years on), one was still married and so was her partner etc etc

finding love is 100% luck. It is entirely absolutely luck. You’re not too independent, or too desperate, or too demanding or anything like that. It’s simply a game of luck

i an 45 Years old and I hear you as im in a similar position. Haven’t had a serious relationship for yeeears. And I can 100% tell you that the issue is not with me. I just haven’t met anyone who I like enough/they like me enough. That’s all.

No, she sounds like she's pissed off and sad that her attempts to form a long-lasting relationship haven't been productive. An entirely understandable sadness and anger. That she's venting about whilst also getting on with what sounds like a full life. Just missing a big thing. It's not unreasonable or in any way unusual to be sad about not having a relationship.

Iwilldrawjapan
Honestly, I would abandon the thread.
As soon as the goads see a popular thread they are on to it.
They dress it up as opinions and advice, and 'ooh I don't understand' to be able to vent their nastiness. Every popular thread.
I hope there has been something on here that has been useful, just believe it isn't you, it is the circumstances around you. I hope you can change some of those. Why would you not keep trying? Who leaves life to chance?
For all of those who want to be in a loving relationship and haven't found it yet, it's just a tedious matter of keep looking, try new ways. Make a plan.
I hope it is soon.
Ignore the goads.

You mentioned you may explore therapy. Honestly it’s so worth it. I’ve also found life coaching to help me hugely.
throwing something out of left field here but therapy helped me realise my problems in relationships are because I am neurodivergent and once I got diagnosed this was game changing for me and my mental health and in some ways my relationships.

There is something in the way you post that makes me ponder if you are also undiagnosed ND too and that could be really valuable to investigate and possibly help you eventually accept yourself for you and also find more of your tribe.

There are lots of reasons why you haven’t found someone to settle down with. And it maybe as simple as you haven’t met someone compatible at the right time.

But, perhaps, there is something that is putting potential partners off, or preventing them seeing you as a long-term option. Or is there a reason you are attracting men who aren’t looking for a long-term relationship?

I would say that one of the things that struck me from your OP is how very angry you are, mainly aimed at men for “denying” you a long-terming relationship and impacting your mental health. Firstly, no-one is owed a relationship with someone. I would also doubt you’d want to be stuck with man that isn’t wholeheartedly committed to a relationship with you.

That said, I think that if I met a man who was overtly angry and resentful of women as a group because he hadn’t managed to find a long-term partner yet, I would absolutely not pursue a relationship with him. I’m sure you are not actively saying to men what you’ve said here, but they might be picking up that vibe. They might be willing to give it a shot or to have something casual- or perhaps your anger/resentment might not come through on the first few dates, but eventually they pick up on it.

The other thing that stood out to me is that you do make a point of saying several times that you feel that these men are not anything special/you are out of their league in terms of attractiveness and/or success/ accomplishments. Might that be the issue? They become aware that you believe you are “out of their league” and think that you are settling for now but might move on if something better comes along. Or they might not agree with your assessment and “get the ick”, or be a bit insulted. Alternatively, they might agree with you and think that it simply won’t last because of that, or feel a bit insecure or intimidated by you.

A friend of mine was having issues holding down a longer term relationship. She, too, is intelligent, has an interesting career, is attractive etc. She is also very confident in many ways. The thing I noticed that she would also say things like “I’m just going for ordinary/nothing special etc, so I can’t see why they don’t want me”. Sometimes she had a point- the man she went on a date with could be said to be “punching” in terms of attractiveness, career success or whatever combination of factors. But sometimes I wouldn’t have agreed with her assessment entirely. Anyway, I set her up with a friend of mine/DH’s. I’d told him about how great she was but he was seriously unimpressed and said he couldn’t tally my opinion of her with how she’d come across to him. My friend (unwittingly) basically made it clear that she thought of herself as a bit of a catch (she is) and she was out of his league so he was lucky she was prepared to give him a chance- and she implied that she was doing so as she “isn’t holding out for someone out of the ordinary”. In his words- “I might not be Brad Pitt, an astronaut, or a millionaire, but I would like my potential partner to think I am a bit more than unremarkable and nothing special”. And I get that- I think most of us know where we “rank” but it would be nice if the person we are dating thought they were interesting/attractive/“something special”- even if you are aware you aren’t going to win a beauty contest or have Hollywood actor good looks and physique.

My friend wanted to know why things hadn’t gone well and was pretty shocked when I said she implied that she thought he wasn’t “on a par” with her and that he was mediocre/just ordinary, so he felt there was nothing to move forward with. She had liked him, did think he was interesting and witty but hadn’t realised that she was coming across as “I’m fabulous, you’d be lucky to have me. You are ordinary, but I’ll settle for that”. She has now toned it down a bit- she is still confident and clear about her own worth, but not by knocking her date down a peg it two. She has a lovely boyfriend now (though still relatively new). My point is that perhaps you are sending signal signals that you don’t mean to or coming across in a way you aren’t aware of? Perhaps you could ask a close friend for an honest opinion (if you want one)?

I do hope you feel more positive soon and I think the counselling/therapy you are waiting on might help you feel more at peace with yourself.

The thing is OP..what if you get the man and the marriage, goal accomplished, huzah...and then it still goes to shit later or worse with kids? 1:2 marriages end in divorce..the truth is...you've put it all on such a very high pedestal and seen to suggest this is the only way you can achieve happiness. How do you know that everyone you see in a marriage/LTR is happy and that this was the making of them? Many people settle for complete rubbish men just so they can have that 'badge' or the dream wedding. This is another reason why people are saying you should make yourself happy first as a priority. You are obviously not happy because you've said you've considered suicide. Dating a pool of mainly emotionally unavailable men (hello OLD!) when you are at your lowest ebb is surely only going to make your mental state worse and just falsely confirm your suspicions.

Well, you probably are a bit desperate. The vast majority of single people are. It's very natural to feel left out if you are single and everyone around you has partners. Nothing wrong with yearning for the love of a partner at all or not wanting to feel lonely.
Unfortunately people don't just fall from the sky when you least expect it. You have to actively search for them, which isn't easy!
Keep doing the same thing and you get the same results, so perhaps try something different? Can you join any clubs/ hobbies? Have you got friends with single friends to socialise with? Unfortunately, many men don't feel so rushed to settle down. My friends found men in London to be the worst as many were still house sharing and having fun. When my friends did find someone on their mid thirties though, they settled down very quickly.

Of the top of my head, I've known four women who were beautiful, funny, clever, kind and successful and for whom a relationship never happened. What I think they had in common was that they were guarded. When it came to developing closeness, even just as friends, there was a sense of them withholding. There was warmth, but no intimacy. I don't know what the answer is, but vulnerability and authenticity figure in it somehow.

Are you on the wrong thread, she’s clearly stated she’s wanted these men to become official with her, the men said no. Not her.

and you keep writing goads/the goad like it’s a thing. Simply as you don’t like others opinions.

at least pay her the respect of reading her posts.

I've been single for 6 years and am 46 now. It's tough.

OP, did you also start the other thread on whether you could foster in a 1 bed property? You had mentioned on here that you would like to foster. If so, then it does seem like a very ill thought out rash plan. It would almost certainly pay less than your current job. You have no experience of raising children. Raising children is much harder as a single parent. If you were serious about being a foster parent you would have researched the issue and known that a 1 bed flat would be inadequate. Also, foster children are not there for the purpose of keeping you company until you find someone. If it's not you on the thread, apologies, although most of the above points remain valid. The fact that you would even consider fostering seems like a rather selfish decision to be honest.

OP you are so full of contradictions it's almost like you are doing it deliberately to be provoking.

You seem to have a high opinion of yourself...which is brilliant but in your posts it comes across as bragging tbh. How much better you are than the men you date you should be considered out of their league. You say you are going for normal guys....but you labour this point. Married men try it on...but only 3 of them. You have rejected men because they got pushy when you politely rejected them...??

I mean tbh...you talk about being successful and earning more than the men you date owning your own home (1 bed flat in Liverpool) but in another thread you talk about how you are not well off.

Ultimately there are only 3 possible states....in a long term relationship, single and not looking, or dating/single.
Everyone was/is single and has been "rejected" multiple times right up until they end up in a long term relationship.

Absolutely
Finding love is not about finding someone to fall in love with you. It's about falling in love with someone else and almost immediately being comfortable being your true self around them....and vice versa.
I think OP is waiting for someone to declare undying love without feeling it herself.

I don't know the answer. I do know it's less than 99% of people in relationships, but there are times when it doesn't feel like it. The world is mostly built for couples and there have been times when being single I'd clearly difficult for other people (I particularly remember being sat on the children's table at a cousin's wedding.)

I'm 52. I've been single most of my adult life, and most of the time I have been in relationships, they've been long distance, so effectively single except for about one weekend a month. It is particularly difficult in your early 30s because nearly everyone is getting married and having children - i was mostly dealing with my parents dieing. One of my friends, now divorced, says he mostly got married because everyone else was doing it.

That's not really the best reason to do it, and being single has meant I haven't had to put up with physical abuse, alcoholism (apart from my mother, that is,) or any other crap friends have had to deal with in their relationships.

I quite like living alone. I come home from work to peace. Any mess is mine. I have time to go to yoga, a language class, other things. I have a lot of friends, though not all are local, but I often catch up with one or other of them at weekends. The lack of physical touch can be hard going at times, but I didn't come from a tactile family.

Life is far from perfect, but then most friends who are in relationships spend some time complaining about their spouses - it's just a different stressful being single. And if I want sex, there's always Tinder or Ann Summers.

So I do okay. I haven't always been okay about it and did about 4 years therapy after my mother died. In some ways it's easier now there's no chance of children. I think it makes dating easier, because that question is there in your twenties and thirties.

It still puzzles me, though. Plenty of people less good-looking than me get married - I'm not a stunner, but I'm not hideous, either. I'm fittish. I'm intelligent and educated, solvent, capable of many things, sometimes funny, can listen well. I think I would have made a brilliant partner. But it never happened. Last year, an old friend visited - I've known him since I was 9, and he was my first kiss, though that is old history, nearly 4 decades ago - he said, "I was always surprised you never got married," and I don't know why he was - it's not like I spent all my time turning men down. No one ever asked. I might have said no, I don't know, but - no one ever asked. And he knows my history, so why is he surprised?

You already know there are advantages to being single - focus on those things. Do the things you want to do. I've got quite a good life - any man in it has to enhance it, because I don't need them. I have a roof over my head, I have my own income, I'm great at entertaining myself and I have lots of friends. You will be all right too.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and feeling like that. People on this thread are not really being sympathetic with you.

I can somewhat understand because I was single for most if my 20's, and most friends/family around me were getting married or had LTR.

In my case, I noticed my problem was the looks, not thin enough. I lost a lot of weight for my health first, I had started to get knee pain and doctors only tell you to lose weight. Anyway, after that I started to get dates, but after wasting my time with someone for 2 years (This person didn't want any commitment) I decided never again and I would only date someone that I could see myself long term in a serious relationship. That means, if OLD you chat for longer before meeting to confirm your values and outlook for life align.

If a work colleague asked me out but I know them and knew it wouldn't last, I would reject them straight away. No more wasting time.

So, I had minimum dates but met my DH like that. From the very beginning I would tell them I'm only looking for serious relationships, I know most men get scared with that, but it's a way of filtering the good ones.

I know it's a cliche but the moment you meet your person you will know, things will flow and things won't be so hard between you too. Hard to explain.

On another note, 2 of my best friends settled. Both of them were already dating what is their DH now, but still trying to upgrade. At the end, they didn't find someone better, married and both got pregnant within a year or two. I wouldn't recommend this but at the end of the day they wanted to be mothers so saw that as a solution, although they are still married after a few years.

I also had another group of work friends who were on their late 40's and single, never married. They all looked beautiful, were good people, had stable and somewhat successful jobs. I think some men would tell them they thought they were high maintenance just because they were looking after themselves (gym, beauty salons, spa, etc) , which is completely wrong of course. It was their own money so they could spend it however they wanted.

Best of luck!

@Iwilldrawjapan

Deep down, what do you think the reason is that you’re still single?

Don’t brush this off with “If I knew the answer to that, why would I be here?”

Being super-honest with yourself (as you are the person who has the deepest insight into your situation, far more so than any of us), of you HAD to give a reason, what do you think it would be?

OP, I was like you. Single all through my 20s. I was very attractive (I can say that now in in my 50s 🙂), lots of friends, a nice, fun person. I would have loved a relationship but it just didn't happen. I met my DH at 30 and we've been together 22 years now, with 2 kids. I have a friend who was single for 20+ years, she has an absolutely fabulous life now with her partner. She was also very lonely, looking for a relationship. It happens, even for those like us. We just had to wait longer. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel, I understand it. All the best ❤️

Also, just to add... I know 3 people who had their 1st baby at 40 and went on to have 2 more. I know others who had their 1st baby at 40 and had 1 more. I had my 2nd at 42. Don't give up! 😀

Liking this post. Gives me hope as well lol

I may have picked you up wrong but are all the men you're dating under 30?