To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

[Iwilldrawjapan]

The main source of my mental health problems has been men.
I'm 33 years old and except for my very first boyfriend aged 18, who I left when I was 20, no guy has ever fallen madly in love with me.

I'm fully aware I don't need a man in my life to be happy but I'm only human and it's natural to want a connection with somebody. Not that it's attractive to admit that, mind. You're supposed to not be looking at all and absolutely love being single until someone unexpectedly falls into your lap, otherwise you're 'desperate'.

I'd be ok with it if more people chose to be single, however I hardly know anyone who's single, every bloody person I know is with someone, especially at this age, this is the worst age for me.

Men like me and find me attractive, they just don't want to date me seriously/don't want to marry me/just don't fall in love.

Everyone seems to have some guy become absolutely obsessed with them and just really want to marry them.
Guys mainly use me for an ego boost but I'm just not the one for them.

People sprout mindless fucking clichés at me all the time 'Oh it'll happen when you least expect it!' well here's the thing, I'm not 'expecting' it at all, and guess what, nobody's fallen into my lap.

'Just go online!' like it's that easy, it really isn't.
I'm attractive physically, I have stuff going for me, I travel, I am financially independent, I own property, I have hobbies, good family relationship, I have friends. In other areas of my life all is great.

I'm really not desperate, I'm sure someone will be along to tell me I'm coming across as desperate but I have turned down men too, I would not date just anyone.
My standards are not too high, either. If anything I'm very likely considered out of these men's leagues. They're just very ordinary, average men, but I liked them.

People I've dated have either not wanted a relationship after 2 months, or not wanted a bigger commitment after a few years.

Life isn't fair I guess, people will tell me to 'love myself first ' and all the usual crap. Having 10,000 hobbies is no replacement for a happy relationship. I'm sick of seeing the happy couple photos on Facebook, posing with their husband and holding the baby.

Maybe I will meet someone, but for 13 years I've had bad luck. I've never been anyone's 'one'.

I can't have a child alone, I don't have local family, I can't afford to be a single parent financially or otherwise, period.

Honestly, my mental health has been shot to pieces. Life still has meaning, but it's unfair that I'm deprived of what seems to come so easily to other people.

What???

You started this thread with "my mental health is in tatters" then move on to "why does no one want me" to "I'll try fostering a child instead" to "I'm confident, and I have dumped some men, why is everyone picking on me"! You sound unhinged!

Get a grip! People are telling you to work on yourself because you need it! How can you possibly foster a child if your own mental health is in tatters?

If you really feel you have been rejected you need a slightly different approach

are you actually rejecting them if they won’t commit to a relationship / girlfriend soon enough for you ?
if u had waited before pulling the plug would it have worked

with the next reasonable man ( and he will pop along shortly) try taking it a little slower perhaps and give it 4 /6 months if all else is well - maybe u are rejecting them before u feel they could reject u ?

I’m not sure this thread is very helpful. You’ve said you’re already waiting for therapy so there must be some sort of identified need there even if it is by you.

Try that then see where you are.

Unwise to say " guarantee". The best, and nicest person I know is long term single at 64.

Oh, don't be silly. You just come across as a bit unhinged and catastrophizing based on your own narrow experience.

The patriarchy sucks. But this kind of comment doesn't help.

I thought you were "out".

Better work on that pigeon flounce, mate. 🙄

“Everyone seems to have some guy become absolutely obsessed with them and just really want to marry them.”

OP, the key phrase there is “SEEMS TO”

People have all sorts of motivations for getting into relationships and holding on for dear life (whether it’s a good match or not). At least half of these guys who seem to be falling madly in love with their woman are just desperate to find a mummy replacement / emotional support human. As is evident from the MN discussion boards. Comparing yourself with others is understandable but futile. Many women in apparently loving relationships would give their eye teeth for your freedom. 🙂🙃

The single best thing you could do is get off Facebook. Completely. Deactivate your account. What is the point of it? It’s either people showing off an unrealistic, highly filtered image of their lives or spying on each other - or both. Your MH would improve markedly if you stop comparing yourself to lives of others (which are often misrepresented!)

I'm autistic, with plenty of autistic relatives who lived until their 90s and never married, so while the old "you'll meet someone eventually when you least expect it" might be true for some people, I've also witnessed first hand how it doesn't work for many people.

Do you have brothers? Male friends? Basically a male perspective on how you're coming across to other men. Because we're all just guessing here.

Any chance you're missing that people are showing you that they're interested in you but you haven't noticed. My husband had to ask me out 3 times before I realised he fancied me (I have an autism diagnosis for a reason).

You mention that you tend to date men that are earning less than you. That's great. But it might be part of the issue due to male insecurity. I work in a really male dominated STEM area - my degree intimidated men, my job intimidates men. Those men were not right for me. Men say they want a strong, intelligent, well-paid, "got all their ducks in row" kind of woman and then when faced with her they run away. I needed to find a man who wasn't intimidated by me.

Good luck, feel free to discount anything I've said that's wrong and irrelevant. As I say, we're all just guessing here.

Echoing many on this thread- stop looking at everyone else. Many of the ones in couples probably feel like strangling their partners on a daily basis. And there are loads of single men and women- Google the stats. But this is all irrelevant- essentially you’ve got to work out what you want to do and stop comparing yourself to what you see as the happy majority.

Honestly it sounds to me that you are young and you just might not have met the right person yet. But also honestly uou might never meet them. I have quite a few friends who are lovely, attractive, financially independent and are still single in their 40s. Mostly they are completely fine with it and have happy, fulfilled lives. So in your position I would try to plan what you need to do to be in that space yourself, whether it’s jobs, kids, family, relocation. Plan your life in the expectation you may not meet the right guy. Including therapy etc if you think that will help.

I would say that the majority of my friends never had someone fall madly in love with them- often it was friends who got closer or OLD where they clicked after a while.

@Iwilldrawjapan
You may say you're not desperate but, to me and some others, you are coming across as desperate.

You can say you're not desperate as much as you like but saying it doesn't mean it's true.
If posters can sense desperation through a small amount of written words, then it is likely-that in real life-it is coming across even more strongly.

When I read your title, I thought you were going to say that you were up for a job in a traditionally male environment, that those who decided on whether or not to give you the job were all men but no, it was a complete overstating.

Your future does not depend on whether a man "deems" you good enough and if you really think it does and that doesn't come off you in wafts, then you are deluding yourself.

Not many people want to think , in the early days, that someone is circling the waggons, hoping to tie them down and make their future worth living. It smacks as if you are on the prowl for someone to give validity to your life-no bugger wants that apart from a few sad sacks.

You describe an otherwise good life-your future does not depend upon a man-don't be silly and over-dramatic. It is desperate.

Get on with your life-enjoy it. If you find someone-or they find you-that's an extra and remember-when you're down- many women just'settle' anyway for men that I wouldn't piss on-you read about them on here all the time.

If you are determined to turn your one precious life into a quest to find a man who "deems you good enough" then put a high value on yourself: every relationship has a kisser and a kissed-make sure you're the kissed.

Your future depends on you.

I’ve been single from age 30 - 43 except for x2 six month flings that never ended up going anywhere.

I'm attractive, great career, adult son, financially free…. It’s strange! But then I’ve done shit loads of work on myself and can spot a red flag a mile away and tbh, I have such a good life it’s got to be someone really special and no one has been, until now.

met someone 6 weeks ago, who’s amazing, so far the man of my dreams so I’m now thinking I’m glad I’ve been single all this time!

I’m surprised at some of these comments, from single people, that they know all these folks who got married as everyone else was, or didn’t think their spouse was good enough but married them anyway, all resentful and miserable.

I don’t know anyone like that. People marry for love in my experience, in my friendship group only one divorce , but they were together a long time and did love each other, till they didn’t, and bore kids as well.

or that being single allows you to do things, like hobbies, like folks in relationships are unable to do this, surely they know married folks doing hobbies, it’s not just singles in the group?

Well this thread has gone exactly how I expected it to. If the OP is still around, please focus on the comments from people who have actual lived experience and can give some useful advice from which there are a fair few. It's so unhelpful and dismissive to hear echoes of ' your better off being single 'or ' you have to learn to love yourself first 'or ' no one needs a man - get a cat instead...'; Nonsensically often uttered by those in decades long relationships who strangely don't heed their own advice and ditch their partners/ husbands/kids because life would be so much greater on their own with only a pet for company and their social entertainment is an occasional Sunday afternoon out when one of their coupled up friends can free up an hour for a quick coffee, but will then spend the entire time moaning to you about said husband/ partner/ child whilst completely overlooking the fact you have no one and feel lonely, depressed and hopeless . I've been there and it's dire.

Well those are a lot of unkind assumptions about many of the posters on here.

I'm in a long-term relationship but was single until my late 30s, so have more 'lived experience' of being single than the OP currently does, with the added benefit of also now having 'lived experience' of the other side so think I can give a fairly balanced view of relationships vs singledom.

Has anyone actually told her she's better off single? Or have they just tried to offer a slightly more balanced perspective that life doesn't just become rosy and golden because you're in a relationship/have kids.

OK OP. I don't know if you're still on the thread, but having read the thread it could have been me writing it two years ago. I'm even two years older than you.

I would ask myself constantly why I wasn't good enough, why no-one chose me, why I'd meet lots of men who'd say all the right things and then "but...". I'd always compare myself to coupled up friends and panic that I was behind. I lamented coming home to an empty flat and shopping for one all the time. I hated losing friends to their children and having no-one to do things with at the weekend, no-one to go on holiday with, no-one just to sit with in the evening.

My honest answer to all this, is therapy. Take it from someone who used to be you. Your self esteem is in the toilet. You will be coming across as needy and unstable and men will be sensing this.

You don't think you need to work on yourself, but I'm telling you that your mindset is shot to pieces. So please, if you do anything, try to see a therapist ASAP. I know you said you're on a waiting list, but I would recommend taking yourself off that and finding a private practitioner.

This is it, it would be easy to get into a relationship if you had low standards and accepted poor behaviour. Some women are always in relationships, one to the next but the men are not good.
Once you recognise red flags and get self respect then it's harder to meet anyone as not many men are up to standard. But not impossible

Have you read the thread?! As I said, some have given very good advice imo but many have gone off on the ' better off single ' or ' get a cat'track which is an entirely patronising viewpoint when the OP already feels crap. It's great that things panned out for you and you're now in the privileged position to see the issue through a different lens, but could you say with any certainty, that if you hadn't have met a partner and reaching the age where the biological clock is ticking ever quicker, it wouldn't have been you posting on here instead of the OP? How do you think you would have responded to some of the ' helpful'suggestions?

Your post seemed to suggest that people in a relationship commenting on this thread didn't have the requisite lived experience of singledom and I was pointing out that wasn't necessarily the case. Maybe I got the wrong end of the stick.

Me being 'privileged' now doesn't suddenly erase and negate any experience I had as a single person previously.

I can't possibly know with certainty what I would have felt/done if I hadn't met my partner and I didn't attempt to tell her that. But I do know what I felt/did right up to the OPs age and for a good 5 years after. If she was a single person in her late 50s then I might not offer the same perspectives as I wouldn't feel as well placed to comment.

@Iwilldrawjapan

OP

Is this the service you are waiting for an appointment with? Could it be an alternative to the one you are already in touch with if not?

https://www.merseycare.nhs.uk/our-services/liverpool/talking-therapies

Most people prefer to be with people who are positive. Who put effort into being the best they can. I would run a mile from someone who felt that his 'future depends on whether a woman deems him good enough'.

Most people are getting along in life OK. They have their moments of weakness and are grateful when those around them giving them a helping hand, and most people are willing to do this for people they know well and in the shortage term.

I don't think many people of either sex would be ready to get involved with someone they don't already know whose 'mental health is shot to pieces'. That sound like someone who wants a crutch and is unlikely to have much mental positivity to give in return. But we all need mental positivity from others from time to time and we don't necessarily have the mental positivity to give and give until the other person feels better, whenever that is.

So I suppose, what I am saying is, what are you offering? What's in it for the other person? Why should he want to get involved with you? Relationships are a two-way street.

Shortish, not shortage.

I've been single for 16 years and I agree with those posters to be honest. But then I do genuinely like being single.

Mate; I’ve seen many of the men other women have chosen and the shit that they seem to put up with: honestly; against many cases, you got the best deal.

I think we have crossed wires. I haven't read your post giving advice to the OP, so I can't comment on that and I don't believe that every person in a relationship can't possibly offer any wisdom! That would be daft. I was commenting generally that it gets my goat when posters offer up the generic 'better off single 'statement, whilst they themselves are hypocritically part of a couple. Of course all relationships aren't perfect, nothing in life is but the OP wants the chance to experience that for herself. There's nothing weak or desperate or needy by declaring that you want a partner. It's human nature.