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Original poster

Husband’s hobby destroying marriage

232 replies

Bella8209 · 22/06/2024 23:03

Im wondering how much a partners hobby is too much? I’d like to know if I’m being unreasonable. He has a hobby which takes him out 2-3 evenings a week, sometimes more and usually one full day of a weekend, sometimes 2 over the summer months. He works 4 days a week. We’ve 2 primary age kids . I work 3 days a week in a pretty physically demanding job and have to do all the housework, meal prep, shopping, organise kids for school plus extra activities such as swimming/dancing/brownies etc. He’ll do chores if I ask when he’s here but if the house is in a state or there’s washing piling up, he never takes initiative to help. I’m absolutely drowning. I brought it up tonight again and was flabbergasted at his response. He doesn’t think the amount he’s out is excessive? So I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable? I have a hobby which takes me out for 90 mins once a fortnight. But I don’t always get to that if he’s not home from work in time. This isn’t new this year, it’s been like this for years, but I’m just worn down more than ever. I really don’t want to tear the family apart but I feel I’d be happier on my own with the kids. How much is too much to be our? How often are other’s husbands out?

OP posts:
candycane222 · 22/06/2024 23:08

He's massively taking the piss. Massively. If you left, he'd struggle to do his share of parenting without giving up some hobby time, so if he has any sense he'll voluntarily cut down the hobby time and get to stay married. If you were prepared to stay with someone who had treated you as a skivvy for so long, that is....

Mmhmmn · 22/06/2024 23:09

have to do all the housework, meal prep, shopping, organise kids for school plus extra activities such as swimming/dancing/brownies etc. He’ll do chores if I ask when he’s here but if the house is in a state or there’s washing piling up, he never takes initiative to help

You don’t have to do all the housework. Don’t do it. Or given that you’re doing all that tell him he’s on meal prep.

Yet another man who’s married and had offspring but ensured his life and freedom stays exactly the same while a woman does everything around him. Fuck that, OP. It’s years since that was the acceptable norm.

CountryMumof4 · 22/06/2024 23:10

If he took over more of the household/childcare tasks but retained his hobby, would you find that better? I had a partner who was massively into his road cycling, to the point that I felt like I was endlessly washing lycra and cooking meals with exact protein/carb requirements. He did pull his weight with household tasks to a certain degree, but I did lose patience in the end. There has to be an equal balance of effort on both sides.

SwordToFlamethrower · 22/06/2024 23:10

Ask to switch. You go out of the house for the same length of time he does, and he goes our once a fortnight for 90 minutes.

He can do the chores, meal prep etc too.

After this experiment for a month, how does he feel? How do you feel?

Personally, I feel he is using you for childcare, laundry and meals, and you're supportive his hobbies and lifestyle.

GrumpyInsomniac · 22/06/2024 23:11

Would it focus his mind better if you told him that you were going to be out the other day of the weekend, and also for 2-3 evenings per week and expected him to hold the fort and take care of any outstanding household tasks in your absence?

And then do it. Seriously. If need be leave a list of all the things you would usually be doing instead of going out and say you expect them done in the same way you do them when he is out.

I would be shocked if he didn’t cave after a week. But the truth is, you’re supposed to be a partnership and you’re therefore supposed to have equal leisure opportunities. After all, if it’s not excessive, he should have no problem accommodating it.

Wolfiefan · 22/06/2024 23:12

Agreed. You don’t HAVE to do all that.
And it’s not “helping”. It’s being an adult and a parent.
Divide the chores. Make sure you each have equal free time.

Mary46 · 22/06/2024 23:13

Its too much op. Very selfish. Good bit to do when they primary age kids.

NuffSaidSam · 22/06/2024 23:14

It's fine if you get the same and everything else is split 50/50.

The problem isn't really the hobby as much as unfortunately your husband is a drain on the family/a complete waste of space.

Chessboardtable · 22/06/2024 23:15

He is taking the piss and I say that as someone who myself has a sporting hobby that I returned to 6 weeks after giving birth!!

You and him should get equal free time

Plus regular family time together - when does he actually spend time with his kids if he’s out all day both days at weekends??

MrsMitford3 · 22/06/2024 23:15

What is the hobby??

Mmhmmn · 22/06/2024 23:15

What does he actually bring to the relationship and family life? What do you think he would say/do if you pointed out that your life would be easier out of the marriage (if that’s how you feel)? (Note. if you’re seriously considering leaving you’d want to plan carefully). Could things be massively improved just by being more assertive about what you need him to do as standard without you reminding him?

OhHelloMiss · 22/06/2024 23:16

MrsMitford3 · 22/06/2024 23:15

What is the hobby??

Cycling?

Maryamlouise · 22/06/2024 23:16

Agree not so much the time but the unequal part of it. We each spend 2 evenings on hobby taking in turns to do bedtime and sometimes a full day each (and sometimes as a family) on a weekend though definitely not every weekend. Works for us as we both get that amount of time but you get hardly anytime for yourself

TomatoSandwiches · 22/06/2024 23:21

It's not the hobby really it's that he leaves the bulk of household stuff to you.

My husband goes to all of his football club matches and has hobby time inbetween but he does dinner, bath, bed and dishwasher before he leaves.

I think you'd find if he did his share of that then you'd not be so bothered about hobby time.

He is being selfish.

Maneattraction · 22/06/2024 23:21

Is it golf?

It’s the unequal ness that’s the issue. Could he cut down his hobby time?

Screamingabdabz · 22/06/2024 23:22

Nope. He’d be looking at divorce papers by now. His behaviour tells you that he loves the hobby more than he does his family.

ChangeEmailAddress · 22/06/2024 23:22

It's cycling again isn't it? Stick a nail in his tyre.

Listress · 22/06/2024 23:25

Screamingabdabz · 22/06/2024 23:22

Nope. He’d be looking at divorce papers by now. His behaviour tells you that he loves the hobby more than he does his family.

This. If you were buggaring off 2-3 evenings a week and one day at the weekend I’m sure it would be a different story OP. Tell him you’ll take it week about, you go out 3 evenings one week and one weekend day he gets to do his hobby the next week. He’s taking the piss big time.

SpindarellaRockafella · 22/06/2024 23:26

Follow Zawn on Facebook

youre not unreasonable.

Beautifulbythebay · 22/06/2024 23:27

You need a new hobby. The same amount of time. Tell him you are trialing a gym for a month. See how he manages.... Trial local coffee shops of the gym isn't for you! He is a massive piss taker.

Pumpkinpie1 · 22/06/2024 23:28

You seem to have” mug “ stuck to your forehead OP. He’s living the life of literally whilst you run around after him.
He no longer sees you or his children. The only thing that matters to him is his own needs .
Only you can change this unhealthy and miserable dynamic. You need to decide if he’s worth the effort

Abi86 · 22/06/2024 23:28

Don’t do his washing or organise his "stuff". Maybe don’t prepare food for him, or shop for him? Maybe cut back to two days a week work…tell him to work five?

im not if any of those suggestions would work, or escalate the problem. The one fact is though, is that what you’re doing now is unsustainable.

FTPM1980 · 22/06/2024 23:31

Your husbands hobby is not the problem.
He is.
He only works 4 days...so he has a 3 day weekend and does his hobby on 1 of them.

Two nights a week and a day at the weekend in season is pretty standard for sports.
My OH did give up when the kids started doing their own sports evenings and weekends (rather than just Saturday mornings) but now he goes to the gym instead the total time is the same...but he always did the bedtime routine, the morning routine and more than his share of washing and cleaning

CheeseyOnionPie · 22/06/2024 23:33

You should sit down and put a schedule together where you are out as much as he is, so 2-3 evenings and one full weekend day. See how he copes.

PermanentTemporary · 22/06/2024 23:34

There isn't a rule about how much people should be in or out. And a partner with interests is a good thing.

There is however a rule that if you have a partner, you should feel as if there is a partnership. Nobody should feel that they are drowning alone. You're feeling taken for granted because he is assuming the work you do is your choice or inessential.

Ask him to come up with a solution. And don't be afraid to get angry if the response is boneheaded. It's easy for him to say 'well if it's too much just don't do x' but just because he hasn't thought about the consequences of that loss doesn't mean it isn't a loss, particularly to your children. A well run home with good fresh food and purposeful activities and cared-for teeth and bodies and clothes and relationships and talents and all the rest of it doesn't happen by magic.