Husband’s hobby destroying marriage

[Bella8209]

Im wondering how much a partners hobby is too much? I’d like to know if I’m being unreasonable. He has a hobby which takes him out 2-3 evenings a week, sometimes more and usually one full day of a weekend, sometimes 2 over the summer months. He works 4 days a week. We’ve 2 primary age kids . I work 3 days a week in a pretty physically demanding job and have to do all the housework, meal prep, shopping, organise kids for school plus extra activities such as swimming/dancing/brownies etc. He’ll do chores if I ask when he’s here but if the house is in a state or there’s washing piling up, he never takes initiative to help. I’m absolutely drowning. I brought it up tonight again and was flabbergasted at his response. He doesn’t think the amount he’s out is excessive? So I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable? I have a hobby which takes me out for 90 mins once a fortnight. But I don’t always get to that if he’s not home from work in time. This isn’t new this year, it’s been like this for years, but I’m just worn down more than ever. I really don’t want to tear the family apart but I feel I’d be happier on my own with the kids. How much is too much to be our? How often are other’s husbands out?

Well that's obvious. We have to Force ourselves. It will go against the grain. How do you think suffragettes earned women the vote? Most women didn't think they needed/should be able to vote...pioneering women forced a gear change in womens brains. Similarly, women need to say 'My husband walked out on me and the kids...so I am handing his kids over to the state/his granny. If he can't be arsed with them, bor can I. I am going to be a silversmith in Mexico."
And then we cry all the way there. But I think it's a massive milestone women should hit. Of course, we could ring the kids and say 'daddy fucked off cycling/golfing/footballing/mistress/affair...so I fucked off too. Love you. "

Have you ever seen a post on MN that said 'H has dropped a bombshell/announced he's leaving us out of the blue/says he doesn't love me/has been seeing prostitutes/is having an affair.... "so I have left the kids at his mum's/affair partner/ the local police station/my mate Amanda and caught a plane to Ibiza" ? Nope. Why not?

If you can do that go for it. It's not something I could personally do to my kids or myself.

This is ridiculous. No one is going to start putting their kids up for adoption because the dad doesn’t want to do his part.

Id rather do it all alone then put my kids up for adoption.

OP.. yes it’s a ridiculous amount!
mines out one evening a fortnight on average in the week. Occasionally on the weekend if there is sport on or an event he wants to attend.
Same for me.
Id have kicked him to the curb years ago for that behaviour.

Sounds like you are already living like a single parent.

No way is this selfish article playing fair.

seems a bit omg, whats the hobbie ?

I don’t think his hobby is the problem as that’s still enough time in the week for you to do a similar hobby if you want to, so you can have equal leisure time.

The issue is he’s not pulling his weight. 4-5 nights a week, plus a whole day a week (excluding weekend time) should be more than enough time to do half of the household work. Divide a list up between the two of you. Sadly the mental load will still probably fall with you regardless of time spent on hobby etc because I do just think it defaults to mums (I don’t agree with it, but I think it’s very hard to change that), but he can 100% be pulling his weight more around the house.

I’d suggest calmly outlining what it is you want rather than focusing on the time he spends on the hobby - is it more help on weekend mornings, more time off for yourself, more time as a family on x nights a week etc? Be specific, ask him to come up with some solutions. Of course it would be better that he did this proactively but where is the current approach getting you? I don’t personally think it’s a hard rule that you should both spend the same time on hobbies, particularly if you don’t have one or they are just really different (such as owning a horse v going to a keep fit class) but it is important you both take an equal share in the household arrangements and you don’t feel like you are drowning or not coping.

Write down everything that needs to be done in a week including household tasks & kid logistics.

Sit down calmly with a cup of tea when kids in bed and firmly explain you are drowning while he enjoys his hobby time & that you are wondering if it would be easier alone. Ask to go through your list & fairly divide tasks.

Judge by his reaction - is he willing to meet you in the middle? Trial & review (does he actually change). If he’s not willing to step up, you have drawn your line in the sand & can decide what you want to do.

He is a waste of space bellend and you’re being a doormat op.

My DH has a sporting hobby but he also does lots of cooking, pretty much all the washing, DIY stuff, takes the kids on days out, does the food shop order etc.

What’s the point of being married to this guy?

You have a lodger, not a partner.

This is just plain silly.

Pfft.

My husband's parents got divorced at his mum's insistence as she had just had enough of his dad's intense hobby and his refusal to drop bits of it to spend more time together. Relationships need nurturing and he is assuming he can do as he pleases whilst you're there to pick up the slack. YANBU.

Completekabd utterly unacceptable of him. I would not stand for this op.

You would be in a better position and have an easier life divorced when he would have to look after the dc and pull his own weight in his house. You must feel very lonely, this is not a marriage by any stretch of the definition. I would give him an ultimatum and mean it.

It’s not necessarily the amount of time he’s out OP but the lack of contribution.
The hobby itself is a red herring. Hes out one full day and works 4 days, so equivalent to a full time worker in time away from home. Then he does the hobby 2/3 evenings, so like someone who works one evening, goes to the gym one evening and visits parents one evening. This isn’t especially unreasonable.
Imagine he had this pattern but actually did a full half of everything that needed doing without being asked. I’m pretty sure you’d feel more ok about that.
He needs to pull his weight or quit his hobby and use that time to pull his weight.

To echo every one else.

It's not the hobby per se.

It's that he doesn't do any of the domestic stuff. Which needs to be 50/50.

If he works four days a week then he has time to do laundry, cooking and cleaning.

You both need to sit down and work out a schedule that splits the jobs 50/50

The hobby isn't the problem, your husband is. He is not carrying a fair share of the physical or mental load and that's what you should be focusing on, rather than the amount of time he spends out of the house. Of course he may need to reduce the latter in order to achieve the former, but that's not your problem.

As PP said, writing out a list of all of the things may help to show him how much work there is.
You also have to let some things fail so that he sees the consequence.

For example, stop doing his laundry. Just don't do any of it. If he has no clean shirts for work he'll soon learn. Don't cook food one night that he's there. Just wait and see. If necessary Just give the kids some snacks and just wait. If the kids say they're hungry tell them to speak to Daddy. There was a great thread in twitter when this lady refused to do anything more in the kitchen, no cleaning up. AMD she just left it and eventually her DH got the message. It took a couple of days I think before he did! So allow some failure to happen and see if he then steps up

Of course he’s massively unreasonable. I hope you show him this thread.

Golf by any chance? The destroyer of marriages! The wording of your post is interesting as you use the word “help”. He shouldn’t be “helping you” he should be an equal partner, so I think this is the actual issue. He thinks he can dip in and out, do the odd job you set him and the rest is down to you. As this is probably his thought process it makes sense as to why he was flabbergasted at your concerns. Therefore I wouldn’t make it solely about the hobby but the balance in the relationship.

I was a cycling widow. He also played golf a lot before DC were born. We almost got divorced when DC were 8 and 4 because of it . The 2 x 4 hour rides at a weekend and 3 evenings on top of a full time job. But the worst thing was that any time we were doing anything as a family he was bored and resentful that he was being kept away from the hobby. Got pissed off on family holidays or at parties for the same reasons. I was essentially socially a single parent.

Threatened with divorce he has changed his attitude and spends much less time on the hobby BUT joined a golf club again 3 weeks ago. We agreed because at 12 and 8 our kids are much less hard work. Already yesterday there were strops because he couldn’t do all the comps because of social commitments that i accepted months ago. “I have to go to YOUR friend’s party.” I had forgotten how petulant he could be and that his hobby would come above all other things. He actually said next summer “perhaps you could not accept so many invitations.” What will actually happen is that I will go alone … Fucking hobbies!

I feel your pain OP. To answer your question - HALF a day at the weekend plus 2 evenings is ok along imo as there is enough time for you to have time out , and enough time as a family doing fun things and for the chores and kids hobbies to get done. A whole day out every weekend is too much when you have kids .