Husband’s hobby destroying marriage

[Bella8209]

Im wondering how much a partners hobby is too much? I’d like to know if I’m being unreasonable. He has a hobby which takes him out 2-3 evenings a week, sometimes more and usually one full day of a weekend, sometimes 2 over the summer months. He works 4 days a week. We’ve 2 primary age kids . I work 3 days a week in a pretty physically demanding job and have to do all the housework, meal prep, shopping, organise kids for school plus extra activities such as swimming/dancing/brownies etc. He’ll do chores if I ask when he’s here but if the house is in a state or there’s washing piling up, he never takes initiative to help. I’m absolutely drowning. I brought it up tonight again and was flabbergasted at his response. He doesn’t think the amount he’s out is excessive? So I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable? I have a hobby which takes me out for 90 mins once a fortnight. But I don’t always get to that if he’s not home from work in time. This isn’t new this year, it’s been like this for years, but I’m just worn down more than ever. I really don’t want to tear the family apart but I feel I’d be happier on my own with the kids. How much is too much to be our? How often are other’s husbands out?

Nobody should have to give up other interests and hobbies but there should be consideration for everyone.
Younger children do take much more timing in "running around" after as they are too young to do a lot to help and often can't get to activities by themselves.
We both used to do a lot before we had DCs. Both of us scaled right back and more or less tag teamed sports / children/ house stuff between us. As they spent more time at their sports, we did ours at the same time as well.
Long distance running or cycling is usually done very early in the morning before anyone else is awake so doesn't impact on family time.

No sex until he's doing his full share of the work! If he wants to act like a child he should be treated like a child. And make it clear why. Most effective method I've found.

His focus should be on you and your kids, not his hobby - he's essentially checking out of your lives together and not supporting you all, it's not OK

His hobby has caused resentment in you, and that’s not going to go.
The only way to solve this is for you both to have equal hobby time, and you must take yours, even if you sit in your car at McDonalds for some of yours.

I'd say the hobby isn't the problem, it's that he does nothing round the house. If he only works 4 days a week he could spend the 5th day doing his share.

Yeah, mine does similar - and has now turned it into a business, so it’s ‘work’ and now he has a legitimate reason to spend more and more time on it. Like you, he leaves me questioning myself.
if you’re able to LTB, do it. I wish I was brave enough to leave mine!

I would have no problem with my husband going to a hobby he loved 2/3 midweek evenings a week……. as long as on the other 2/3 evenings per week he did all the cooking, tidying up, kids bed time routine etc.

Being married is a partnership - not a vehicle for one person to have all the benefits, while the other does all the hard work.

If he doesn't think it's unreasonable then suggest switching for 1 week only....

My DH would rather be home with us than out, so he is. He works a decent commute away and wants the time with DD rather than anything else. We alternate bedtime so that we both get chance to do what we want on our own instead.

My friend has 2 kids with additional needs. She works 3 days a week (youngest is 1.5). Her H stays late at work, goes to football 2 evenings a week and a Sunday morning and golf all day most Saturdays and often a Sunday afternoon. So she is in charge of all the kid stuff and house stuff. On a weekend she is running to clubs for the kids and then round parties for the school aged one etc.

She is miserable. But when she brought it up with her H he told her he'd rather be at work than home and so she's left it (rather than him, which is what I'd have done).

I wouldn't stand for it. DH knows I wouldn't. It's not in a controlling way, but he knows that he's free to do what he likes, however if that comes at the expense of him pulling his weight, he will be doing what he likes elsewhere.

You need to be really clear. Do his hobby if he wants, but that's his free time. The rest of it is house and kid stuff, while you get to have some headspace. Whether that's to do a hobby or just sit and read a book, have a bath or just sit in the garden in the quiet. Or, he can go do his hobby every day but he'll live elsewhere.

I could have written this post. I am so unhappy and feel I would be better off alone too. He has got even worse ad started sending me videos of what happens to men who are deprived of sex. The desperation puts me off even more.

Sit down and work out tasks to be responsible for - evenly.

You work one day less per week so you choose eight or nine hours of chores/childcare that your would prefer.
What ever household tasks that remain - cooking, shopping, cleaning etc. divide them between the two of you and the kids.

Then fairly allocate time for hobbies.
Mark yours on the calendar and a similar time for DH.
Mark in family time per week and holidays.
It won't be exactly even but just doing that calculation together should initiate healthy discussion and changes.

Your husband needs to be responsible for more tasks himself and needs to respect your time for hobbies and see the importance of family time.

Could he take the children to his hobbies one day per week?
Could he do all the family washing? All the gardening?
All the car maintenance? All the drop offs for school?
All the bathroom cleaning? All the activities for one child?
Should you be affording a paid cleaner?
Out sourcing the washing or the gardening?

My partner is a birdwatcher. So he's up everyday when the sun rises to go birding before work. He'll check twitter and see what's been reported locally and then the websites to see what's going on elsewhere. He will birdwatch all the way to work and all the way home. He'll go birdwatching every weekend from sunrise to sunset and then go home and update the system for his sightings and then write his blog and update his website and he then writes his books as he publishes. If he's not doing that he's sound recording bird sounds and if that's not enough every bank holiday Monday is a birding day, he goes on a at least 1 birding holiday per year for 2 weeks but will actively go away birding on any trip we are on. If he's not doing this then he's reading piles of books on birds.
Can we swap husbands? Yours sounds easier!!
Tho I will say 90min every 2 weeks isn't a hobby....and if you got yourself a proper hobby then you might be less interested in what he's doing. If someone can go to work and pay the bills and still make room to make you a cup of tea and spend time, it's healthy that they are happy doing what they enjoy. Thankfully for me....I'm into my own thing just as much so we live very happily.

Do you have young kids though? it is fine when you do not have any other responsibilities

My exH did this — it made me totally miserable and by the end we had no marriage left.

Eventually I met someone else and divorced him.

Hi op, first your husband is taking the piss.

We are in a very similar situation to you. Husband plays cricket. Training is 2-3 times a week and games on Saturday and Sunday. I work 2 days a week and he works 4 days a week. My husband does 50% of everything with me. He only goes to 1 training session a week and 1 game at the weekend, that was a compromise we discussed when we had children that we were both happy with.

You need to stand up for yourself and come to a compromise. Surely he can se how unbalanced and unfair the work load is! I hope you can sort it out and come to a more even work load.

Why does he not work 5 days a week? What does he do on the other day?

He is out far too much. Shirking family life with his hobby choices.

Also OP, he’s not just shirking chores and childcare by being out so much. He’s also not taking part in family time.

Do you ever get to spend weekends together as a family? We didn’t. I would arrange stuff to do with the kids without him.

I used to hate seeing families on days out together, Dads at the summer fete etc.

I have a hobby and primary age DC. I’d do it every weekend if I could but realise that would be completely unfair on my DH, who doesn’t have any hobbies.
I practice maybe 3 evenings a week once the kids are in bed. I also compete, perhaps 5 weekends a year. Again, I do want to do more but the calendar is packed full of the kids activities and I don’t want to leave DH to manage everything. Also I don’t want to miss out on that time with my family. There will be plenty of time for me once they are a bit older.

My best guess is golf.

what are his redeeming qualities? You may be better off solo esp if he agrees to have the DC regularly (which isn't a given, I know) .

Honestly this is awful to read, I think you can do a lot better than this guy. Hideous!!

He walks out when the house is upside down, the laundry piling up, the DC needing something because he knows you will do it in his absence. So he's like a teenager.

It makes me so cross. Even if he were single he'd have to spent some time cleaning, doing laundry, grocery shopping and he cannot be bothered to do his fair share because his time is more important than yours.

I'd tell him you swap from now on. You do the times for your hobby and he does what you do because it's so fair!

This is so unattractive.

Or you divorce and he can be a single DF and proper grown up.

This message is really catty. It sounds also like you don't have kids at home, so you have zero understanding of this situation. Saying 'your husband sounds easier than mine' is just a weird judgemental comment and a total misunderstanding of the OPs situation.

In your situation you're not cleaning up kids mess, making lunches, washing, cleaning, entertaining, dealing with tantrums, doing all the housework and admin, shopping, mealtimes, disciplining, constant 24/7 family stuff while also being taken for granted, also at the same time having no hope for relaxing or developing your own hobby. Presumably you're just hanging out relaxing.

I can imagine having to ask him to do X, Y or Z rather than him just noticing and doing it would feel exhausting and yet another thing for you to do.

I wonder if rather than focus on the hobbies, you give focusing on them offloading some of your chores.

Can you make a list of all the things you do for the family/home including the number of day/ hours per week and sit down for a calm conversation to discuss that you feel like you need some support to share the load and what things would he like to take on as being responsible for. It would need to be clear that him being responsible for them means that he is also responsible for noticing when they need doing/creating his own schedule of when he will fit them in so that it doesn’t become a battle of you “nagging” (which seems to be a great one used against women!) and is just him stepping up.

I remember my mum doing this with my dad when I was a kid and she started an open university course while working full time and doing all the child care for me and my brother. My dad took on the dusting, laundry and ironing. But prior to that he really had no clue how much my mum was doing because she would just get on with it until that conversation. They are in their 70s now and still have a great split of the house work and are a real team.

good luck, OP!

I don't get it....to have 1 day off in the week, or 2 in your case, where both children are at school is an absolute luxury (although appreciate it's not paid). You're both getting time to yourself and time to look after the house outside of weekends. Most people don't have this.

But yanbu. He shouldn't be helping, he should be doing his share. I don't understand why he can't do the weekly chores (hoovering, cleaning bathroom etc) and meal prep on his day off, while you have that day to relax. Then I wouldn't be fussed if he's out a day at the weekend to be honest. It would be a perfect arrangement for me!

If a man has such a poor attitude to his family responsibilities I think it's really hard to change it. Yanbu.