Husband’s hobby destroying marriage

[Bella8209]

Im wondering how much a partners hobby is too much? I’d like to know if I’m being unreasonable. He has a hobby which takes him out 2-3 evenings a week, sometimes more and usually one full day of a weekend, sometimes 2 over the summer months. He works 4 days a week. We’ve 2 primary age kids . I work 3 days a week in a pretty physically demanding job and have to do all the housework, meal prep, shopping, organise kids for school plus extra activities such as swimming/dancing/brownies etc. He’ll do chores if I ask when he’s here but if the house is in a state or there’s washing piling up, he never takes initiative to help. I’m absolutely drowning. I brought it up tonight again and was flabbergasted at his response. He doesn’t think the amount he’s out is excessive? So I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable? I have a hobby which takes me out for 90 mins once a fortnight. But I don’t always get to that if he’s not home from work in time. This isn’t new this year, it’s been like this for years, but I’m just worn down more than ever. I really don’t want to tear the family apart but I feel I’d be happier on my own with the kids. How much is too much to be our? How often are other’s husbands out?

This.
And he does sound awful.

Is it golf? My DH loves golf too and I didn’t mind pre-DC but since they’ve come he barely goes. He has now started taking one DC with him to learn every now and again. If anything, I encourage him to go more as I think he has given it up too much.

Your H is being an utter tosser. Yes golf takes a long time, but then he cannot go as often and he needs to support you to have the same length of break when he does go. Keeping hobbies is fine, but not at the detriment of another partner.

You need to be really firm with him. He either switches up how he does this or it’s the end of the road. I think in order to stop resentment breeding the idea of you taking the same amount of time away from the household will be a good way of showing him how impactful it is.

50/50 equal leisure time. You’ve got a lot of time off stored up in credit too 🤣 Enjoy your three month break in the Maldives to even things up a bit!

Good plan, we all know what his response will be.

He doesn’t think the amount he’s out is excessive?

Well, he wouldn’t, would he, because he’s a selfish cunt who has abdicated all responsibility for his family and house.

Golf or cycling?

I do think that all parents shouldn't give up hobbies entirely but both should cut back until they have a good set up with household tasks and childcare

I wish men would also call out other men who behave like this. 'John, here again, why aren't you helping Denise with the kids? She seems to do everything as well as work full time'

I think men should be shamed if they treat their partners like this and don't do their fair share of household tasks.

My husband has a hobby that takes him out one evening a week plus some Sunday mornings.

It isn't the amount of time your DH is spending on his hobby that is the issue here, it's the unequal split of parenting/household chores/your free time.

Try having a sensible conversation. Don't get emotional or high-pitched. Do a Mrs Thatcher and keep your voice at a level pitch - you come across as more authoritative apparently.

If that doesn't work, then at the very least you leave all his laundry, life admin and general stuff to him to sort out. Do not do anything for him specifically, unless you are doing it for the kids as well. So don't deliberately exclude him in a family roast dinner, but if he was planning on eating later because of his hobby, then let him sort out his own meal.

He is being very selfish and taking you for granted.

Wow, thanks all for your replies. Am overwhelmed actually. I was starting to think I was overreacting. But I’m obviously not. Just a few points from reading all responses. He works full time over 4 days. So if he’s out after work, he goes straight there and doesn’t come home first. So doesn’t see kids for tea or bed. Is usually home around 10pm. On the other days he is home, by time he’s home from work and had tea, it’s kids bedtime so he helps put them to bed. They are now realising he’s never home much though and are getting upset when he isn’t there. This is also getting to me. Have explained to him he’s hurting them and he says it’ll change next year but can’t pull out of tournaments he’s now in. These are tournaments where if you win, you go through to next round and so on. God knows how many he’s started. He did do this before we married and we were married 6 years before kids came along. And I had other hobbies then too so didn’t mind. But after kids were born, I cut mine back. He did for the first 2 years. But since then it’s crept up and up. He is president of the club too so that takes him away to meetings and he has to be present for games he’s not in. Just because he’s president. He won’t be president next year because he’s done his time of 2 years. (Should add, he took on presidents role without telling me, I found out a few months later. I had said to him, please do not go on the committee, but he did anyway) But I feel I have nothing left in me to want to wait to see if it improves.

Of course he could pull put.
If he got injured he'd pull out
If he lost his job and had to get a new one which was not compatible with hobby he'd pull out
He could resign as President citing personal pressures.

These are all things that could be done. He doesn't want to do them because he doesn't feel as if he has to.

VeryUnlikely So because OP/anyone else is married to a manchild who wont pull their weight ,They put their much loved and cared for child ,in a broken underfunded care system ? Do they have a similar system for errant men?! Seriously I cannot believe you are serious! There should be better and fairer divorce laws here, which enable women to get divorce without living in poverty! This week alone there has been a lady whose DH has not worked for the last 5 years! she still ends up doing majority of CC and HW even though she is earning in excess of 60k!

@Bella8209 is it golf?

So selfish.

It sounds like there is light at the end of the tunnel, but that doesn't alter the fact he has been massively selfish.

Can you cope in the interim by cutting right back on what you do for him?

Ask him what would happen if you had a hissy fit and left him with the kids for a week, or if he ended up in hospital for a week? Would the sport self-combust without him?

He's massively, massively taking the piss.

I'd draw up a list of all household tasks, divvy them up between you, and not do anything that is on his list.

Bring a president and doing competitions appeals to males - they get praise and feel like they are proving themselves. Lots of dopamine. Doing bedtime and chores doesn’t get attention from other males so is low value to him.

He won’t change unless you take a very strong stance here - lots of suggestions already given.

Give him this thread to read.

It's definitely golf!

How often are other’s husbands out? Maybe one evening a month during the week if there's a work dinner arranged.
Both our hobbies are quashed right now as we have a 2yr old and 4yr old and life is hard when there's only one parent around so to help each other out we just don't do that much stuff out with the house. Once in a blue moon for us going out.

If you told him he has to choose between his family or his hobby do you think he would make the right choice? Make it clear he can no longer have both as you’ve had enough of him being a crap parent.

@WishIwasmumsy, your partner’s emotional blackmail and coercion is utterly abhorrent and abusive. Please Google and read this article in Healthline, “What
Does Sexual Coercion Look Like?” (I’m sorry I can’t provide a direct link as I can’t get my tablet to do this atm).

If you are not strong enough to stand up to him alone, please seek help and support. Try Victim Support UK and the National DA Helpline.

At the very least, I would be responding to his videos by sending him a link to the Coercion article and the page on Domestic Abuse on the Victim Support website. Perhaps it might make him stop and think about his behaviour when he realises he is committing a serious crime.

He's married his mum. He's behaving like a single man who lives with his mum and a couple of younger siblings.

No parental responsibility, no housework, cooking cleaning etc because you do it. He just lives his life with someone who enables him to act single.

I'd down tools, stop washing for him, do you facilitate his hobby, drop offs, collections, prep, tea at certain times etc, just stop, employ a cleaner to help, go back to work full time and he has to do all the childcare on his day off etc.

Personally I’d be done in your shoes, because even if he stayed home suddenly I’d probably resent him that much for putting me and the kids through years of him picking some sport over us. You don’t get those years back and I’d not want to waste anymore time sitting home waiting to see if he waltzed back in and washed up once a week.

Doesn’t sound like there’s much between you now besides a shared address (that you maintain) and that he’s technically the father of your kids, seemingly in name only since even they’ve picked up on the fact dad would rather be anywhere else but with them.

Of course he can pull out, they don't fine you or bar you. He doesn't want to. Becuase why would he, what's the consequence? Nothing. He gains everything and loses nothing by continuing to prioritise himself over his family.

I agree with the other posters. Match him. Every night he's in, you go out. Take a wekeend full day out. Yes it may upset the kids for a short time becuase theyre not used to you having a life, but long term, it will benefit them, and it will give them some much needed bonding time with their dad. You do it for a month. Ask him how he feels. If he's not willing to change then divorce him.

My guess is that he will INCREASE his time at his hobby. He'll not come home from work every working day in an active attempt to stop you going out. He'll be out of the house before you both weekend days. Becuase he knows it's not fair on the person being left at home, but he doesn't care so long as they person is you.

He 'helps' put them to bed OP? What?

Tell him he can do his share, pay for someone else to do his share or get divorced so his share is forced upon him.

His choice. CF.

Shit husband and shit father.
He couldn't care less about you all.
Divorce him and he'll probably never see his children.
How you have tolerated this is beyond me.
Your poor children with a father who doesn't care.
Do you cook, shop do his laundry?
More fool you if you do.
Move into a spare bedroom if you have one and stand up for yourself.
He is an absolute disgrace and your children deserve better.
There is no way that selfish waster would be hiding behind the respectability of a family with me.

My marriage ended for the same reason. In the end I wasn't seeing him any more, it was like a ghost house, his hobbies took priority over holidays and our life together entirely.
He was living in my house, paying nothing in, basically ignoring me unless he wanted sex.
Thank God we didn't have any kids together. I have an adult son from a previous marriage.
The face on it if I asked him to do some cleaning.
Total piss taking. He wasn't a husband, he was just someone passing by in the night.
What I would suggest is sitting down and talking to him when the kids are in bed and telling him that you will be seeking a divorce unless he does 50% of everything at home. Tell him you are not sure you love him any more because of his selfishness.
Whatever he says back is his answer, but actions speak louder than words.