Husband’s hobby destroying marriage

[Bella8209]

Im wondering how much a partners hobby is too much? I’d like to know if I’m being unreasonable. He has a hobby which takes him out 2-3 evenings a week, sometimes more and usually one full day of a weekend, sometimes 2 over the summer months. He works 4 days a week. We’ve 2 primary age kids . I work 3 days a week in a pretty physically demanding job and have to do all the housework, meal prep, shopping, organise kids for school plus extra activities such as swimming/dancing/brownies etc. He’ll do chores if I ask when he’s here but if the house is in a state or there’s washing piling up, he never takes initiative to help. I’m absolutely drowning. I brought it up tonight again and was flabbergasted at his response. He doesn’t think the amount he’s out is excessive? So I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable? I have a hobby which takes me out for 90 mins once a fortnight. But I don’t always get to that if he’s not home from work in time. This isn’t new this year, it’s been like this for years, but I’m just worn down more than ever. I really don’t want to tear the family apart but I feel I’d be happier on my own with the kids. How much is too much to be our? How often are other’s husbands out?

Wait what?? Is this a real suggestion?

OP, write to whoever runs his hobby group. Tell them you are leaving your husband because his hobby has fucked your relationship and tell him/her thatyou are leaving the DCs on their doorstep as you are going to a rehablitation clinic in Paris for 6 months. Tell yuour husband the same, with your packed bags by the door......Then go to Paris. Will your children die? No. Somebody will have to look after them - and if your H doesn't want to, and it looks like he doesn't, then he will either hand them over to his parents, or have to make difficult decisions to look after them himself, or put them up for adoption/pay to settle them in transitional accommodation depending on their ages. You will be in Paris. Not Your Problem.

Yes. Women need to start playing the game. The Hardball game. Women need parity. Marriage should be scrapped. If you have children a legally binding contract should be drawn up.

The trouble with this, is that he may just let you get on with it, come back at 3pm, and just vedge for the next 2 hours till you come home. He may just prefer that!!

The thing is... you can talk about schedules and fairness and draw up timetables and plan until the cows come home, but it probably won't work because he already knows the present situation is unfair. He just isn't motivated to change it because it works in his favour. He's happy to exploit you instead. He doesn't feel that he should step up because he thinks there is something special about him that means that all this shit is dealt with by someone else - you. He feels entitled to your labour, for some reason. Probably.unfortunately because you're a woman and he's a man, and he looks round about him and sees far too many examples of men doing fuck all while women go above and beyond for their families.

Of course anyone can walk away from a legally binding contract....anyone can walk away from children, from wives, jhobs, anything really. The state will pick up the pieces..so women too should be able to take advantage of this and loosen their grip on their sense of obligation and motherliness blah blah. Sod that. If a man can behave like a fuckwit, hell so can a woman. We just need to convince ourselves we can do it.

What has this got to do with anything? Before we got married and had kids I went out 4 nights a week, went clubbing most weekends and took loads of drugs. It was ace. We then had a kids and I stopped going out all the time. I am now mostly sensible and do 50% of the housework and parenting.

Heal.

Only 4 nights a week? You was robbed baby girl

'Bows'

No thanks. My childfree marriage is blissful.

@ActualChips yes, I chose the wrong word there.

It was a tough time 😜

That is true, and if my DH had continued to return at 3pm, we would have just got on with living our lives and not missing out because of him.

At some point, it may have been necessary to evaluate if this is actually the marriage I signed up for.

Of course he doesn't think it's excessive, it suits him down to the ground. Ask him if he would think it excessive if you expected him to do everything that you do, and list it. If he says no, tell him fine, you'll leave it all to him next week and see how he gets on.

Nailed it.

@Bella8209 your husband is a very very selfish man. I would probably tolerate the hobby, if the youngest child was at least 5/6yrs old AND he did 50% of the housework/cooking/parenting.

But as the person I've quoted said, he's ensured his life and freedom has stayed the same as pre-marriage/parenthood. He's a shit husband, and a shit father.

The problem with that is that I think few of us would walk away from the children we are bonded to and would defend with our lives.

I was married to a similar man and I divorced him. The truth is that this type of man likes having the status of a ‘family man’ but they have no real interest in spending time at home with their partner and young children.

OP, do you think he would be motivated to change if he knew you were considering ending things?

the hobby type is irrelevant. Shit males pick ones that get them out of being a functional household member, parent, and spouse for full days. Golf, football, cycling along roads unnecessarily -doesn’t matter. They’re not worthy of marriage or sex. The kids they breed deserve 100% better quality.

Posts like this fuck me off so much. I mean this kindly. But don’t be so fucking stupid op. He’s a twat. I don’t know why you’re even asking- read your post back.

(Obviously not including the men have a kid and then who choose to do out of the house hobbies while being a functional human and feminist.)

You sound like a cycling widow.

I have a friend whose dh has a similar schedule, it's the reason they don't have dc, she felt she would be resentful and alone.

I think it's time for a really good shift in your marriage. Have you heard of the book/programme Fair Play - it helps couples sort this stuff out.

Nothing in a marriage or in parenthood is truly always 50/50 but it also can't be like this. It has to ebb and flow with a view/goal of equality.

I think you both need to determine what you need and how you are going to get that in a more equal way. Does he do dinner/cleaning/bedtime etc 2 evenings a week and take full responsibility for childcare one morning/lunchtime each weekend on his non hobby day so you get a break? Do you hire someone to fill in the pieces for the hours he isn't at home so he can have a hobby that's more like a very part time second job?

I have a neighbour who is heavy into athletics and sport. Probably could have gone international level had they started sooner. It takes them away from home 20+ hrs a week. How they got round this (they have 3 young DC plus a lovely primary age dsd) is they hire HS student/sixth form student who are wanting to be teachers/child care professionals to come to the home for 3 hours a day after school 3 nights/week and Sat mornings. They have two that share the position. The non-hobby parent has support evening during the hardest parenting hours and aren't alone for the extra curriculars/bedtimes. Sat when they're tired and want an extra pair of hands they have them and the teen helps them get to swim lessons etc. They also have date night every Sat and Sundays are family days with no hobbies unless it's a competition they've agreed on - they have really lovely Sundays as a family b/c the day is sort of sacred to them. The other two evenings/week they don't have help both parents are home and no one works/does hobby/sport in the evening. It means they don't have resentment.

The thing is though, they chose that together to make it work b/c they both decided this hobby was one of their priorities in their lives/marriage/family. You didn't. Your dh decided this unilaterally. It's time to make decisions about this together.

Of course you’re worn down. You’re a single mum and the dad of your kids helps financially and when you manage to be on the spot to ask him every few days will do something. It is time to spilt the household load fairly and the free time, I don’t know if I’d start this conversation with divorce or try a bit more slowly- like he does more around the house plus one whole evening a week, every week, which you won’t be there for, and that includes cooking, cleaning up, picking up all the mess, kids bath and bed, reading with them, checking bag for notes etc, doing any homework with them, making sure they have uniform for the next day, and a load of laundry.