Husband’s hobby destroying marriage

[Bella8209]

Im wondering how much a partners hobby is too much? I’d like to know if I’m being unreasonable. He has a hobby which takes him out 2-3 evenings a week, sometimes more and usually one full day of a weekend, sometimes 2 over the summer months. He works 4 days a week. We’ve 2 primary age kids . I work 3 days a week in a pretty physically demanding job and have to do all the housework, meal prep, shopping, organise kids for school plus extra activities such as swimming/dancing/brownies etc. He’ll do chores if I ask when he’s here but if the house is in a state or there’s washing piling up, he never takes initiative to help. I’m absolutely drowning. I brought it up tonight again and was flabbergasted at his response. He doesn’t think the amount he’s out is excessive? So I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable? I have a hobby which takes me out for 90 mins once a fortnight. But I don’t always get to that if he’s not home from work in time. This isn’t new this year, it’s been like this for years, but I’m just worn down more than ever. I really don’t want to tear the family apart but I feel I’d be happier on my own with the kids. How much is too much to be our? How often are other’s husbands out?

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He’s behaving like a single bloke. Taking the piss

The problem is he's not pulling his weight in the house or with the kids and expects you to pick up the slack. He needs to realise that you're BOTH entitled to time off for yourselves and at the moment it's only him that's getting it! He's massively taking the piss. Tell him you're not doing it any more and that you need to sit down and work out a fairer division of labour and free time. Make a list of all the chores and divide them up. He probably has no idea of how much you do because he's never thought about it!

You have 2 days when you don't work to do your hobby I too though Would you work FT, and dh do the housework and clubs?And you do your hobbies when he does them now If you're prepared to swap then tell him that, see what you can agree

I don't think the hobby is really the problem, more the lack of any other help at all.
Also doesn't really matter what other people think is too much time out of the house, it only really matters how much time out of the house you think is too much.

It’ll be cycling.

I couldn’t be arsed with this man child.

Tell him to fuck off.

Sounds a bit presumptuous for a family with young children as you'd probably expect one weekend day to have the flexibility to be taken up with family activities/kid's hobbies or parties.

I think you need to point out that he can live the life of a single man or that of a family man but can't do both.
He has to realise that he can't have it all

What is the hobby?

Of course his hobby is excessive. And absolutely unfair you do nearly all the chores when you work just one day less than him. He is doing exactly what he wants and you are run ragged. I'd consider leaving this set up. He is totally selfish.

There’s absolutely no point to him. He’s a burden, leeching off you, a failure of a father and spouse. Indulging himself in misogynistic gender roles, which your kids will think is normal and aspirational.
Are you not angry he chooses to dump all the drudgery on to you? When you divorce, he’ll have to parent his kids, or pay you to do it.

That's way too much and you're not unreasonable at all.

My DH had a hobby he got a bit obsessive about. He'd be out all Saturday till about 3pm and expect us to not go and do family stuff without him and wait till he got home so he could be included. I just started doing fun family stuff without him. It only took one or two times till he was fed up with feeling like the family was having fun without him and he was missing out. He's now home by 12 by his own decision.

I think the getting on with living your life without him (make sure you're doing extra fun stuff) can work. Or I'd try being out just as much. It's not like he can object, can he? Sometimes you just have to let them have natural consequences.

If you were buggaring off 2-3 evenings a week and one day at the weekend I’m sure it would be a different story OP

Many exercise threads have women who are out every morning or evening doing some kind of exercise. Is the problem that he doesn’t help when he’s home?

@Savemysweets its not ‘helping’ when it’s the mans own house and kids he chose to create. OP wrote he does nothing. There’s no point to him.

Fair would you having as much away/downtime as him, which is obviously not the case. He's being ridiculous.

Tell him you’ve got a new hobby that you want to do 3 times a week and he’ll have to be home for it. Then get out and do something you enjoy.
Either that or have a serious discussion about him not doing his bit and how overwhelmed you feel.
You can decide from his reaction what you need to do next.

Yep agree - switch for a couple of weeks or month. See if he really feels its ok and fair?

OP it sounds like he is getting a sweet deal getting to do his hobby so often while you do all the donkey work. He defo needs to rein it in and help with the chores more - no wonder you're feeling burnt out

Why on earth did you have children with him? Let alone marry him? Women really need to wake up.

The stupid thing is, if you split he'll have to do more childcare.

Did he have this habit before you agreed to marry him?

You should divorce him and agree terms. If he won';t have the children equal times, then tell him you don't want them at all. Women are still so bloody soft.

All the switching and ultimatums and shit don't work. The only thing you need to concentrate on is the next 20 or 30 years of your life, which you want to enjoy. He can have the bloodyt kids. Damn it. Grow as pair.

No he won't. He can just not bother. Zero the OP can do. What women need to do is the hardest thing in the world: they need to say NO. NO I am not looking after your kid. NO I am not footing the bills with no support. NO you made this kid it's half yours so put the effort in...and if the arsehole doesn't step up, we put the kid up for adoption. Harsh. Painful. Awful. But unless women start saying properly N O, we will always be left holding the proverbial baby.

Have NC for this comment! Husband has prioritised his fucking hobbies for over 30 years and am on the verge of leaving him …am now so resentful.I was an absolute mug when looking after the kids when they were little…just accepted that working a night shift and getting up at midday,facilitating his climbing was Ok .
Climbing,skiing and sailing is his life. He is now retired and still spending a huge amount of his pension on a fucking boat berthed 2 hours away!!
He also had another pension that he used on pissing off to the Himalayas when he was 60 …about another 8k !

He thinks what he's doing is fair / acceptable?? Either he's a liar, or he's out of touch and entitled beyond belief.

To answer your question, we have two pre-school aged children. My OH works six days a week, goes out to pub or friend's house about once a fortnight, and will take an evening to himself to play video games about one other week a fortnight.

For the most part when he's not working, we do chores together whilst chatting or listening to podcasts or music, and have days out as a family, or he spends quality time playing with the children, so that I can get on with chores. That's family life imo. There's time for hobbies which take up a lot of time, pre-children, and when they're a bit older and not interested in you.