Husband’s hobby destroying marriage

[Bella8209]

Im wondering how much a partners hobby is too much? I’d like to know if I’m being unreasonable. He has a hobby which takes him out 2-3 evenings a week, sometimes more and usually one full day of a weekend, sometimes 2 over the summer months. He works 4 days a week. We’ve 2 primary age kids . I work 3 days a week in a pretty physically demanding job and have to do all the housework, meal prep, shopping, organise kids for school plus extra activities such as swimming/dancing/brownies etc. He’ll do chores if I ask when he’s here but if the house is in a state or there’s washing piling up, he never takes initiative to help. I’m absolutely drowning. I brought it up tonight again and was flabbergasted at his response. He doesn’t think the amount he’s out is excessive? So I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable? I have a hobby which takes me out for 90 mins once a fortnight. But I don’t always get to that if he’s not home from work in time. This isn’t new this year, it’s been like this for years, but I’m just worn down more than ever. I really don’t want to tear the family apart but I feel I’d be happier on my own with the kids. How much is too much to be our? How often are other’s husbands out?

Your poor kids. They will grow up instinctively knowing their father doesn't really care for them.

My husband is gone before we are up. So he empties the dishwasher or puts a meal into the slow cooker for dinner, and does the lunchboxes the night before, since I have to get 3 ready on my own.

OP What happens on his day off. He works 4 days a week , going out before the kids are up so he can’t help ??
What’s his excuse for the 5th day when he’s at home in a morning totally capable to get the kids ready and take them to school?

He seems to have totally checked out of family life

I'd suggest to him that he takes time out from his hobby until the kids are older, so you fairly and equally share all the domestic responsibilities.

Just leave him. He is a lazy pig.

If you weren’t with him, you would get a break. It shouldn’t need to come to this but it sounds like you need to make it very clear how you’re feeling and what will happen if nothing changes.

I’m sure he loves his children but it doesn’t sound like he’s committed to family life. He basically just wants his life to continue like it always was - you looking after him, regular sex etc - but with the added bonus of little people who he plays with from time to time so they worship him and that makes him feel good. I’m not usually so black and white but I doubt he’ll change because he doesn’t want to. I suspect he’d put his hobbies before the kids if he was a single parent too.

I think it's not so much the amount of time he's out but that he's not pulling his weight and managing his time when he is home. I go out 2-3 times a week, but I'm also the primary person doing childcare, shopping, cleaning, groceries, and I work term time as well... So I think him being gone a lot could be reasonable if he actually was useful when he was there!!

Stop cooking, washing, cleaning, doing everything for him.

Label everything. Names on plates and food. Tell him from now on he's on his own. If he hasn't got any clean dishes with his name on, or cooked himself food - He can starve.

Stop doing his clothes for him. Dump it all in a corner. Just live like you're single because you may as well be.

When he asks what's going on - Tell him the hobby he is married to can do all of that for him (the friends he enjoys the hobby with) because he's more attached to the hobby than his family.

If he doesn't understand this - Change the locks and throw his stuff out onto the lawn the next time he goes to his hobby.

Stop enabling him. If you continue to enable him, you can't really complain.

I'm guessing cricket.

He’s very selfish. This isn’t reasonable.

My partner’s hobbies mean he is out every Saturday afternoon and Sunday evening, and one Thursday evening a month. Practicing for it takes up pretty much every waking minute though. I don’t feel like the time out of the house would be a problem if he was present when he was in it. But he hyper fixates on special interests and this new hobby is IT. So I feel your pain. But he does at least pull his weight doing chores. It just means that we are not really a couple. He’s a housemate.

Dear OP,

The thing that stands out for me is his lack of care. How can you say you value your partner and family life when you see your wife sacrificing her interests for the greater good (IE the children and family) and drowning domestic chores and not help? This is the heart of your problem I think.
Here is our experience… for what it’s worth.
When kids were small it was all hands to the plough and we really gave ourselves to establishing the family. When they were a little bit older we each tried to facilitate the other parent’s fun times outside the home because we both came back happier if we had some time out. This was not always easy! Every year my dh took a week out for his hobby. There were a few times when I had to clench my teeth ! BUT we agreed that we didn’t want to reduce our relationship to a full grind. There have been a lot of times when I’ve gone away to see family overseas and my DH has held the fort. Now our kids are older and it’s easier but afte they were about 5 /6 I would always look at the family diary and make sure in the month there were nice times to suit everyone - the family as a whole, us as a couple and us as individuals. It’s not always easy and it takes a bit of planning. We both have to work hard to get to leave at times but we really try to make it happen for the other person. We ‘bust a gut’ as it were to help each other find ways outside the home so that we can return happier as individuals. No one moans about the times they have to give things up as we really try to make it all work. We’re a team.
I think your husband is treating you like a servant. And I’m not surprised you are running on empty.

Jesus what a selfish piece of shit he is OP. I'm so sorry. That's just not how a decent person treats their partner and children

I remember feeling similarly OP. My exH didn’t have a hobby, he just left everything to me. I too felt I’d be happier on my own too and divorced him. If your DH is lazy, unfair & begrudging now, don’t expect him to step up if you reject him as simply not being good enough! My exH hasn’t seen our DC for almost six years … he lives his life as a single man. Your DH is abusive. And I would suggest you prepare for a large dose of post separation abuse and being 💯 responsible for everything. Apart from him.

I don’t think he’s out an excessive amount of time, but we are all sporty in our house and so my husband and I both spend a decent amount of time doing our sports and so do the children (one primary, one secondary, both competing to regional / national level). We aren’t one of those couples that hs to do everything together and we enjoy having our own hobbies, but we do tend to both take the children to their competitions and some of their training sessions (at least once a week we go together), and we spend plenty of time together as a couple and as a family. In this era of our lives we spend most time as a family, but of course in 10 years the children will
likely both be at university or left home, so we are enjoying this time while it’s here - it’s busy but lots of fun. I would say your issue isn’t
your husbands hobby, it’s the lack of balance - you don’t get as much time for your hobby, and he doesn’t do the housework as much as you. Can you increase your time doing your hobby at all? For the housework, I find having a visible list really helps my husband to understand what needs to be done - otherwise he simply doesn’t see it. The list stops me having to nag. I do the lions share of it as I only work part tIme Where he is full time, but it feels like a good balance generally.

He should be single …that’s not a marriage or home life, outside interests one thing but that’s ridiculous..

Obviously beyond selfish, how he can think that’s acceptable is laughable. I’d be long gone.

My hobby is two evenings a week and one or two weekend days a month. My husband's is 2/3 evenings a week and one weekend day a month but only for half the year.

I think this only works because a) it's pretty equal time out for both of us, b) it's been like that ever since we met, and c) I work part-time so have enough time for housework.

I have a friend who was in your position and her husband refused to change anything and they are now divorced.

My friend divorced her husband because he spent waaaay too much time on his hobby.

She's never regretted it, said she felt like a single parent the whole time she was married! 🤨

Would he think this was excessive if it was you having this hobby and he being left home with the chores?

Why are you with him? I don’t mean that in a ltb way, but what does he bring to your relationship? Take out all the obvious stuff that he clearly doesn’t do to participate in equal parenting, but think about just you and him and your relationship. How does he make you feel? Do you feel loved, valued, supported etc.

Sorry, posted too soon. I would suspect the answer is no. Then think how he’d react if the roles were reversed. Men don’t take a bar of women opting out. Neither does society in general, but it’s constantly tolerated by wives and socially acceptable for fathers to be like this. If he doesn’t hear you on this, then you have to decide whether you’ll continue in an unequal relationship and just get over it, or you leave. It’s that simple.

Mmhmmn
Yet another man who’s married and had offspring but ensured his life and freedom stays exactly the same while a woman does everything around him. Fuck that, OP. It’s years since that was the acceptable norm.

Exactly this. What is going on in our houses/ society that so many men believe this is acceptable and women enable it? Having said that, I do not know any men who behave like this. My dad did back in the 60s and 70s

Are you sure he has a hobby?

Nothing to add except like a lot of woman before you, whatever decision you take it will be the right one for you and the children. You are strong. Your DH however would be lost without you