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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset our children are not invited

278 replies

droopyoldbird · 09/04/2008 06:45

I am sure this subject has been done to death but my dh niece is having a meal for her 21st birthday.
They will be eating at 6 prompt as the 'youngsters' want to go into town for the rest of the eve.It is being held at a crap cheap Beefeater place.
We have no sitters that eve and my dh's sister and her husband (who are paying) have said 'they made the decision that it was an adult do and they dont want little ones running about - dont take it personally'
We are the only people invited with little ones.
The niece would like the children to be there.
AIBU to be really upset and cross that they have this attitude ? We are now uanble to go as have no sitters.

OP posts:
LadyOfWaffle · 09/04/2008 06:53

I can sort of see what she means - they will probably be starting to drink etc. be getting rowdy and having kids there might sort of cap it all ie. no one will be able to make silly comments etc. and it might feel a little tense. Like they have to be on best behaviour. DOes that make sense? (half asleep!) On the other hand, my sister is leaving to travel the world next week and for her leaving do (starting afternoon in a pub) she said to bring along DS... but I couldn't imagine bringing him for an early evening birthday meal for the reasons at the beginning. How old are your kids?

Littlefish · 09/04/2008 06:54

Sorry, but it's their party, so they can decide. Perhaps you could invite them to lunch on another day.

Original poster
droopyoldbird · 09/04/2008 07:02

children 2 and 6.
Niece and her parents live 200 miles away and are having a meal here as she would like to celebrate with family.
The family do not drink alcohol so wont be rowdy. Will be all older realtives not lots of 20/21yr olds.
dh sister is an uptight control freak so maybe thats why I am upset about it.
I would not want to take the children if it was a boozy occasion but an early quick family meal in a large pub/restaurant seems not an unsuitable occasion to me.

OP posts:
Freckle · 09/04/2008 07:14

6pm in a Beefeater seems the perfect meal to which you could take children. I think your SIL is being unreasonable. I also suspect that she's worried your children will become centre of attention rather than her and her daughter.

What does your dh think? If he's upset, then he needs to tackle his sister. If you are the only people with little ones, making it an adult only meal is making it rather personal.

foofi · 09/04/2008 07:23

YANBU - this would really annoy me. However, there's not much you can do. If it were me, I would probably just give it a miss and take my own kids out somewhere nice!

mummyhill · 09/04/2008 07:26

Could they go if you paid for them? Or would that still be unacceptable? To be honest if it was a family thing I wouldn't want to go if I couldn't take the kids cause they are part of the family too.

AbbeyA · 09/04/2008 07:33

I would get dh to talk to his sister and explain about the sitter problem. They are being unreasonable to have it at such an early time with no children. Even if you had a sitter the time causes a big problem because whoever you had would either have to put the DCs to bed or have them up until you got back. I should give her the choice of having the DCs (offer to pay for them if that is an issue)or have you both miss it.

Saveme · 09/04/2008 07:35

Sorry, but sometimes when you get invited to something it doesn't automatically mean you can bring your entire family.

Tbh, I find your attitude towards them rather disparaging "crap beefeater" "control freak" are you sure you aren't looking for an opportunity to have a little ding dong with them?

Original poster
droopyoldbird · 09/04/2008 07:36

Freckle - I think you have hit the nail on the head.
I think they resent the fact that we live close to the parents and our children play a big part in their grandparets lives.

They chose to move 200 miles away and have their family.

I am not going to argue with them about it but it has made me feel like it is very personal. Our children are used to eating out at decent restaurants and know how to behave. They are not perfect but not terrors.

I have always tried to smooth things over with dh and his sister but wont bother any more.

I am more than happy not to go and suffer enjoy a meal at a Beefeater but feel sad that a family occasion does not mean all the family are included.

OP posts:
Saveme · 09/04/2008 07:37

Your last post just made you sound even more pointy and nasty. If you're more than happy not to go then why are you making a fuss about it on here?

Original poster
droopyoldbird · 09/04/2008 07:44

I would go as we would like to celebrate my neice turning 21. It would not be our choice of venue but we gratefully accepted the invite as family is important to us.
When it was made clear the children were not invited we advised them we had no sitters that weekend so could not attend without the children.

I feel sad for my niece her parents are not letting her h ave a say in this matter.

I am very cross and a bit shocked as in my family the children are never excluded so this is an alien concept for me and I feel they are being excluded for the wrong reasons.

OP posts:
lizziemun · 09/04/2008 07:52

Can you invite your neice down for a weekend and do something with her and your family instead as you can not make the dinner.

AbbeyA · 09/04/2008 07:54

I think that there is more to it than just the meal. You seem to have deep resentment for SIL. It isn't worth making a fuss about what should be a pleasurable occasion. Just wish her well, say you can't go and leave it at that.

Freckle · 09/04/2008 07:55

Saveme, you must be reading different posts from me. I don't see droopyoldbird as being pointy and nasty. Most of us would be upset if there was a family celebration but were then told that our children weren't included in that celebration. Not all family do's are suitable for children, but this seems like one which would be, yet they are excluded.

OverMyDeadBody · 09/04/2008 08:04

I don't think you're being unreasonable, they are travelling 200 miles for a family celebration and yet are basically excluding you with no good reason to . Does this mean you won't see them at all on their visit? IT seems a pretty alient concept to me too, after all you are all family and the venue and time are not inappropriate for little children.

Can your DH talk some sense into them?

GColdtimer · 09/04/2008 08:17

That is such an awkward time to go with no children tbh, (as someone else said).

You say your neice would like the children to be there. Have you actually explained your situation to your SIL? Its a long time since she had little ones and people do forget,

Chequers · 09/04/2008 08:26

Message withdrawn

hatrick · 09/04/2008 08:30

This reply has been deleted

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windygalestoday · 09/04/2008 08:35

I am wondering if your SIL perhaps doesnt want you there? im not being nasty and having a dig at you but maybe by not inviting the children then she knows you wont want to go or be able to go?

Perhaps your DH should go and attend and you stay home? that way everyone will say where are you? dh can explain the children werent invited and SIL can explain herself to the family without you there and maybe feel shamed tht shes deliberately snubbed the younger generation.

we had an occasion some years ago where children werent invited to an engagement party so s they were primarily dhs friend i stayed home the wedding invite stipulated that our ds WAS invitd and the bride phoned me at home to apologise for not inviting ds to the engagement (apparently it was aimed at friends with older children whod gotten drunk at age 11 and 12 at the last party)

Carmenere · 09/04/2008 08:36

I think that yanbu but that there is not much you can do about it. IIWY I would probably have a huge bunch of flowers delivered to the restaurant Beefeaters with a note saying how sorry you were you couldn't be there. this would serve to highlight your sil's pettiness as evryone would ask why you weren't there.

But then I am slightly evil Machiavellian.

belgo · 09/04/2008 08:40

YABU. I wouldn't have wanted small children at my 21st birthday party.

scottishmummy · 09/04/2008 08:46

oh come on! at a 21st i wouldnt want ankle biters running about
alcohol cigarettes raccous behaviour

sounds bloody brilliant - just not for children

FluffyMummy123 · 09/04/2008 08:47

Message withdrawn

Blandmum · 09/04/2008 08:49

I wouldn't have wanted children at my 21st birthday party.

If they are paying, they have the right to call the shots, you have every right to explain why it is not practical for you to attend.

bergentulip · 09/04/2008 08:50

YANBU.
We can't expect our children to be invited to everything, but this dive venue is perfect for children, aimed at even, and 6pm? That is exactly the sort of thing one would organise with children in mind.
If your neice is happy to have them there, the mother is just being a cow.

I like WindyGales' suggestion- DH go on his own, prompting questions of why you aren't there, and then him very pointedly explaining the children were not ALLOWED to come.... SIL then looks mean and horrible and silly.