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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset our children are not invited

278 replies

droopyoldbird · 09/04/2008 06:45

I am sure this subject has been done to death but my dh niece is having a meal for her 21st birthday.
They will be eating at 6 prompt as the 'youngsters' want to go into town for the rest of the eve.It is being held at a crap cheap Beefeater place.
We have no sitters that eve and my dh's sister and her husband (who are paying) have said 'they made the decision that it was an adult do and they dont want little ones running about - dont take it personally'
We are the only people invited with little ones.
The niece would like the children to be there.
AIBU to be really upset and cross that they have this attitude ? We are now uanble to go as have no sitters.

OP posts:
BetteNoir · 09/04/2008 08:58

It's not really a party though, is it?
It's more a family meal at a Beefeater, before the younger ones go out on the town.
And 6pm is a perfect time for little ones to eat.

I would be upset that my children had been excluded in this instance, tbh.

Why is your SIL overriding your nieces' wishes to have the children there though? That makes absolutely no sense to me.

Flier · 09/04/2008 09:02

the OP did state that the neice (whose party it is) "would like" the children there.

I'd be a bit too, but would expect my dh to speak to his sister about it and get it sorted.

littlelapin · 09/04/2008 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nailpolish · 09/04/2008 09:12

i was just about to say what littlelapin said

you are upset because you dont have a sitter

LIZS · 09/04/2008 09:14

It's their party ! They are travelling to your home area and could, not unreasonably, be thinking that that would mean you could arrange a baby sitter more easily than had they held it nearer their home(assuming you've had fair notice). Our local Beefeater is actually ok and good value, we had a very pleasant surprise - you sound more than a little snooty about that as much as the exclusion of your kids. Could your dh suggest you'd love to come along but would sit with the kids adjacent or one of you could still go ?

nailpolish · 09/04/2008 09:16

i disagree with what ladyofwaffle said

if the party is going to descend into raucous loud sweary drinking and behaviour, you take the children home. go for the meal then go home. ok you miss the 'party' (i would have been mortified if my parents had had a family meal for my 21st, all i wanted to do was go out with my mates, but there you go) but who cares if you miss it? you go for the meal, which will end about 730, perfect ofr childrens bedtimes imo

littlelapin · 09/04/2008 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Freckle · 09/04/2008 09:30

Perhaps because she likes her niece, whose birthday it is??

Upwind · 09/04/2008 09:43

YABU - they are paying, their party, their choice to have it childfree. Not unreasonable for them to expect that you could get a sitter in your own area. Not unreasonable for you to politely decline the invitation because you can't or don't want to.

Very unreasonable and unpleasant to use this happy occasion to stir a family feud with a SIL you dislike and sneer at their choice of restaurant.

Ineedacleaner · 09/04/2008 09:48

I have to agree with some of the posters that say the op sounds a bit rude when describing her SIL and the chosen venue. A beefeater is actually the perfect place to have a meal where children are invited. In fact on occassion we take the children to places like that because they ARE aimed at families and I am not worried about upsetting adult dinersso much. So on that token YAB very U and very rude.

BUT on the flip side I would me miffed too f it was me and it is all very well for people saying you could get a babysitter in your area but I wouldn't be able to if all my family were going to the same meal. My family are my babysitters and without them I wouldn't have any.

WallOfSilence · 09/04/2008 09:49

I still don't get why people want to take their children to everything!!

ffs, I, for one, can never wait to arrange a night out without children.

Why should other people have to listen to my children when they have left their own at home to enjoy a night out?

Freckle · 09/04/2008 09:51

I think it's different though when an event is being promoted as a family celebration and then some of the family is excluded purely on the basis of their age.

lulumama · 09/04/2008 09:52

YABVU

you sound quite self centred really, and a wee bit snobby

my cousin is 21 next month, my aunt & uncle making her a party, we are invited, but not the DCs, who are 2 and 8. if we can't get a sitter, we won;t go. am not going to get all narky about it, i would not have wanted little kids running round at my 21st, also, it means i would not be able to enjoy myself, as would be worried about getting my 2 year old settled into her travel cot when there is a party going on. etc etc

sounds like you are looking for a reason to fall out with your family

why should her 21st celebrations revolve around your needs?

or you could go and your DH could stay at home if you feel that strongly about going?

numbercrunch · 09/04/2008 09:54

What's wrong with Beefeater?

I don't understand why people feel its ok to critique other people's parties, invite lists etc

To be honest you sound a bit mean about the whole event.

Upwind · 09/04/2008 09:57

There seem to be a lot of joyless people out their who are eager to take offense at other people's choice of celebration. IMHO they just make themselves look spiteful.

edam · 09/04/2008 09:57

You could call an agency such as 'Sitters' and get yourself a babysitter.

Or you could speak to your niece - you said she would like the children to be there. Does she know what her mother has said to you? Call her up and say you are terribly sorry but you understand children aren't invited and you can't get a sitter so you won't be able to come. Isn't it a shame, perhaps she could call round earlier/next day and pick up her present?

Then at least she has the option of telling her mother not to be so silly, if she really wants you and your kids there.

Youcannotbeserious · 09/04/2008 10:05

It's a 21st birthday party.......... it's amazing she wants anyone over the age of 30!!!

Seriously, my 21st was in a nightclub and started at 10pm.

I wouldn't be offended. A 21st party is a coming of age sort of do and should really be all about that person...

In fact, many of the pubs might not be too happy about kids under 12-13 being about after a certain time?

theowlwhowasafraidofthedark · 09/04/2008 10:39

It's their party and up to them who they invite (especially if they're paying for the whole thing). It is not compulsory to attend, make a polite excuse and decline if it bothers you that much.

FWIW I would not have wanted dc's of that age at my 21st.

dal21 · 09/04/2008 10:44

YABU.

Its a 21st birthday party. Not appropriate for young children IMO.

It will be a raucous affair and in your shoes, wouldnt want my DS to be there.

TsarChasm · 09/04/2008 10:48

Agree with WoS totally.

2GIRLS · 09/04/2008 10:48

The meal is not a 21st birthday party, it's a meal at the beefeater to celebrate a 21st with family and friends before the younger ones go partying.
Sorry, but the Beefeater is a bit crap, the only reason I would go there is because it's child friendly but her SIL doesn't even want the children to go which is a bit strange as it's early enough for them and they've chosen a child freindly place.

The children are the nieces cousin and the SIL's nieces/nephews. Now her own brother can't go to his niece's birthday celebration.

Are yours the only children that haven't been invited? I probably would take it a bit personally tbh because it sounds as if it is a bit.

And as for, 'well, it's my party I can invite who I want to', yes, but it's a very rude and frankly selfish attitude to have to leave out close family just because you want to. Birthdays are about celebrating the life of a person so shouldn't that be done with the people and family who are invlved and care for that life?

Youcannotbeserious · 09/04/2008 10:57

No, it's not 2Girls!

It's a 21st party! I didn't invite ANY of my family (not even my parents) to my 'official' party....... I paid for it myself and I did take the line that I'd pay for it and have the party I wanted.

My mother would have been hideously offended!!

Freckle · 09/04/2008 10:59

I don't know why loads of you keep talking about a 21st party and not wanting children there. This isn't a party. It's a family meal to celebrate the niece's 21st before she and other young ones go off to paint the town red. It's at a time and a place which is child-friendly, yet SIL has specifically excluded children.

The OP said hers were the only children likely to attend so it is very personal if they alone are excluded from a family occasion, especially if it then means that the birthday girl's uncle and aunt can't attend either.

Do the rest of the family know about this exclusion? I.e. the niece, grandparents?

dal21 · 09/04/2008 11:00

I think life is too short to obsess over why someone has or hasnt invited your DC's. Am not saying this to have a go at you - but the amount of time i see threads like this; all i think is that people have a right to exclude children from an event.
Why people assume that their children should be invited to everything is beyond me.

The answer is simple - if it offends you so much, don't attend, dont make a big deal out of it and forget about it.

My cousin had her 18th, we couldnt go because of DS - but we did our own thing a few months later and sent her flowers on her 18th to let her know wwe were thinking of her. Was her day, not ours.

littlelapin · 09/04/2008 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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