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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset our children are not invited

278 replies

droopyoldbird · 09/04/2008 06:45

I am sure this subject has been done to death but my dh niece is having a meal for her 21st birthday.
They will be eating at 6 prompt as the 'youngsters' want to go into town for the rest of the eve.It is being held at a crap cheap Beefeater place.
We have no sitters that eve and my dh's sister and her husband (who are paying) have said 'they made the decision that it was an adult do and they dont want little ones running about - dont take it personally'
We are the only people invited with little ones.
The niece would like the children to be there.
AIBU to be really upset and cross that they have this attitude ? We are now uanble to go as have no sitters.

OP posts:
Saveme · 09/04/2008 19:39

sorry DOB, not DD.

MaloryTowersTraditionalist · 09/04/2008 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaloryTowersTraditionalist · 09/04/2008 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Saveme · 09/04/2008 19:51

?It is being held at a crap cheap Beefeater place?

?dh sister is an uptight control freak?

?Our children are used to eating out at decent restaurants.?

?It would not be our choice of venue.?

?this dive venue is perfect for children.?

?the mother is just being a cow.?

?we know we chose to eat at more expensive and nicer places.?

?I will just harbour a grudge against my s-i-l and her husband from now on.?

By the way Droopy and Bergen, bravo! I haven't seen this much bile since the last wedding thread, didn't realise it could be extended to other types of parties.

I particularly like your last sentence about harbouring a grudge - especially in light of you posting this on AIBU droopy!

SoupDragon · 09/04/2008 20:03

"I will just harbour a grudge against my s-i-l and her husband from now on."

Bloody hell! Grow up!!

yomellamoHelly · 09/04/2008 20:24

We've just had our 2 boys barred from attending a wedding with us. Yes I know it's their party and that they're paying for it etc. etc. so to her face I was understanding but it does annoy me.
Anyway ... I think the reason I'm annoyed is because my boys feel like an indivisable part of me. By withholding an invite for my kids a part of me feels that they don't fully accept me for who I really am now (I'm a full-time mum and my boys are still small so both are at home with me most the time). They just want the person who they used to know 4.5 years ago or who goes out once in a blue moon without anyone in tow cramming in a bit of a life. It just makes me a little sad. It should be up to me whether I take the boys or not.
So NO I do not think you are BU. I understand where you're coming from.

BecauseImWorthIt · 09/04/2008 20:29

"It should be up to me whether I take the boys or not"

Er, hello? How on earth can you say this? It's not your wedding!

Nor is it DOD's evening.

So self-centred, just think about other people!

expatinscotland · 09/04/2008 20:29

YABU.

Yes, our families are integral to who we are, but that doesn't mean we're joined at the hip and have to be together 24/7.

If you can't go, then decline the invite.

Saveme · 09/04/2008 20:44

"It should be up to me whether I take the boys or not."

Oh Jesus, are you for real??? It's down to you to dictate invites to other people's weddings? I've never heard anything so ridiculous and, as already said, self-centred.

mimismummy · 09/04/2008 20:46

YANBU not to want to get a babysitter - I would not want to leave my 2yr old with a new babysitter before she has gone to bed as if all the family are going and they usually babysit, i assume it would be someone new. However, it's not worth making a big deal of - it may just be that they have not thought about the fact that the timing is not ideal. Just decline gracefully and wish them well. It is not worth getting all upset about - it may simply be an oversight and it's not worth turning your neice's birthday into an issue for years to come.

Saveme · 09/04/2008 20:46

Btw yomellamoholly, I assume you'll be expected to be invited along to every school trip/birthday party etc etc that your DC are invited to over the years, seeing as how they are an indivisible part of you?

Youcannotbeserious · 09/04/2008 21:31

Yomellamoholly.... You are going to have so much fun as your kids grow up and want to do things independantly of you.... What are you going to do then??? tell them it should be up to you if you go or not????????

Toxic!

wb · 09/04/2008 21:45

yomellamoHelly I also sometimes feel that my boys are an integral part of me - quite common in mums of young children I should think.

But the point is THEY'RE NOT, the are independent little people, not extensions of me.

So I don't get to decide whether they are invited to other people's functions or not. It's quite simple, really.

And to the OP - yes I think YABU (see above).

Original poster
droopyoldbird · 10/04/2008 05:53

wow - mumsnet is like having Gestalt therapy - no comment goes unchallenged.

Anyway, I am trying to forget about it but I still think IANBU to be upset even if my s-i-l may have the right to exclude some family from a family meal.

OP posts:
AbbeyA · 10/04/2008 07:24

I don't think it is so much an exclusion droopyoldbird, more that it is not particularly suitable for them. Are they the sort of DCs who are going to sit quietly through the whole meal and not want attention or to get down to play?
I don't think that you need to hold a lifelong grudge! Either get a sitter, send your DH or both miss it and move on! I very much suspect that you have old resentments and that your relationship has never been good.
It is too late now but, if you had been on a friendlier footing, you could have done the meal at your house since it is family and they are travelling a long distance.That way your DCs would have been there, your niece could have gone off clubbing and you could have put the DCs to bed and had a relaxed evening.

pandagirl03 · 10/04/2008 07:41

I am getting married in may, we have a dd,dsd and dss the ONLY children coming to the day part of our wedding are our children and my one nephew, none of my friends children are coming. This is down to cost. I do understand why kids cant come to weddings and partys etc after having to make this choice for our wedding. I would love everyone there but simply can not afford it. But ALL children are invited for the evening do.

Also regarding a 21st b-day meal, would you not rather like to sit down have a meal and a good chat rather than running around looking after 2 children. Think you are maybe taking it a bit to heart here.

WaynettaSlob · 10/04/2008 08:18

It never ceases to amaze me how some people think they stop existing in their own right after their children are born, and expect to be be invited everywhere as a job lot, rather than as individuals/a couple whom the hosts obviously like, because they have invited you.
I adore my children, but fully appreciate that not everyone feels the same way about them. And, shock horror, I actually like going out without them sometimes, where I can sit, and chat, and relax, and be me.

Anna8888 · 10/04/2008 08:26

YABU.

People have every right to invite precisely whom they wish to a party they are giving.

And as an invitee you have every right when to refuse the invitation.

My MOL told my partner at the Synagogue last Friday whom of her friends she would like him to invite to his son's Bar Mitzvah . My partner told her - very politely - to get lost.

Blandmum · 10/04/2008 08:28

Talking about 'bearing a grudge against your SIL' makes you sound like one of those mad families on Trisha (or whoever, on day time TV)

Freckle · 10/04/2008 08:30

I do feel personally that, when there is a family celebration, to be told that the only close family being excluded are my children is like saying my children are not part of the family. Any other celebration I'm more than happy to leave the boys behind and thoroughly enjoy an adults-only do.

Of course SIL has every right to decide who she wants to invite, but I don't think that denies DOB the right to feel upset.

morningpaper · 10/04/2008 08:32

YANBU AT ALL

6pm at a Beefeater for a family party is perfect for children, why on earth anyone wulod exclude them is beyond me. There's hardly going to be much wild partying and debauchery going on at a Beefeater at 6pm. What a shame for you.

AbbeyA · 10/04/2008 08:41

I don't think that the relationship is good in the first place. If it was my SIL who was travelling long distance to celebrate my niece's birthday with family then I would have been on the phone discussing it beforehand. I would have suggested doing it at my house but if they really wanted to go out, and not have children, then I would have suggested a slightly later eating time to make getting a sitter easier.There seems to be a lack of communication, probably because of other long held resentments. I think that the venue and time make it suitable for children but it is the SIL who is arranging it and even though you disagree it is not worth holding a grudge!

Freckle · 10/04/2008 08:47

I think DOB's comment about holding a lif-long grudge was said tongue-in-cheek.

bozza · 10/04/2008 08:49

While I feel that some of the comments made have not helped your cause on the main issue I think YANBU.

It would be rather frustrating, would it not, if dob got herself a sitter and turned up at the beefeater to be surrounded by children on all the tables around. And I do see her point re 6pm for a babysitter not being easy, because it is really 5.30 pm, isn't it? I would struggle with this because I couldn't ask a friend because they would be still dealing with their own families, couldn't ask any of the nursery staff because they would still be working, couldn't take to my Mums because it is over an hour's drive and there wouldn't be time to get there and back after school.....

It does seem rather an odd exclusion IMO.

Fillyjonk · 10/04/2008 08:51

oh I think the problem here is that this no kids thing is very clearly aimed at the OP.

Why on earth have a 6pm meal otherwise? Do adults actually eat at 6pm?

Its a family meal, and in beefeater, fgs, so it seems odd to exclude the kids. Its not a 21st party or anything, its a family celebration.

At the same time, I wouldn't actually confront this head on. If you can't get a sitter (suspect we couldn't for that time-its the bedtime thing thats tricky), I'd just invite her round for a nice meal or similar. Or even invite her OUT for a nice meal.

The joke will be on them, btw, as surely beefeater will be teeming with little kids at 6pm?