Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset our children are not invited

278 replies

droopyoldbird · 09/04/2008 06:45

I am sure this subject has been done to death but my dh niece is having a meal for her 21st birthday.
They will be eating at 6 prompt as the 'youngsters' want to go into town for the rest of the eve.It is being held at a crap cheap Beefeater place.
We have no sitters that eve and my dh's sister and her husband (who are paying) have said 'they made the decision that it was an adult do and they dont want little ones running about - dont take it personally'
We are the only people invited with little ones.
The niece would like the children to be there.
AIBU to be really upset and cross that they have this attitude ? We are now uanble to go as have no sitters.

OP posts:
dal21 · 09/04/2008 11:03

Freckle - i dont understand why is matters whether the rest of the family know about it? Surely the parents of the girl have every right to stipulate who can attend. Irrespective of whether it is supper, brunch or a party. They have that right dont they?

Freckle · 09/04/2008 11:07

Possibly because my older niece and nephew (now 26 and 24) have never excluded my children (now 14, 12 and 9) from any of their celebrations. In our family, a family celebration is just that - for the whole family without excluding anyone, regardless of their age.

Droopyoldbird did say that her niece wants the children to be there. It's her mother who is excluding them. DOB also said that the niece and parents are travelling 200 miles to hold this birthday meal with family so it seems doubly odd that you would impose conditions that means half the family can't be there.

littlelapin · 09/04/2008 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catsmother · 09/04/2008 11:10

I would normally say that it's up to individuals who they invite to a "do" but it does seem very strange that the niece in whose honour the meal is being held actually wants the children there, yet her mother has said no to this ?!?

That indicates that maybe the SIL & BIL have issues above and beyond it being an adult only "party" as it sounds as though it won't be a raucous affair, and would be perfectly suitable for young children .... i.e. not a "fancy" restaurant, not at a late hour and so on. Perhaps, as has already been suggested, it's them who have something against DOB and/or the amount of attention the children might receive ?

It's rotten that they're going against their own daughter's wishes when it's supposed to be their night and when this means that DOB will miss out on a family occasion. It's not always easy to simply "get" a babysitter ..... even if paying for one isn't a problem, who do you get ? Going via an agency is probably a safe option but what do you do if your children take an instant dislike to the sitter and you have to leave them in tears ? The whole thing just seems so unnecessary on this occasion when the birthday girl herself wants them there.

(An extremely wicked bit of me might consider booking my own table in said Beefeater that same night ................. "ooh what a co-incidence, fancy meeting you here" ....... but I know that would be very childish !)

2GIRLS · 09/04/2008 11:19

Youcannotbeserious - it's not a 21st party, the type in a pub or hall with booze and all sorts, it's a meal with family before the niece goes partying.

And while I can understand that there are some functions that might not be siutable for children-this is not one of them.
If it's a family celebration I can't see why the dc's can't go unless her SIL is just being petty. The children are close family and excluding them (the nieces cousins) will mean that her own brother can't go to his nieces birthday. I find that really odd and if were me I'd be upset.

marthamuffin · 09/04/2008 11:22

I would send dh and move on personally. It is a bit off IMO but it's their bag, they're paying for it - what can you do?

Youcannotbeserious · 09/04/2008 11:30

I just don't think it's worth losing sleep over But then, I deal with a bit of a 'splintered' family anyway (we're not broken, just a bit different )

My DSDs often do stuff to which her dad (and dad's side of the fmaily) aren't invited to (and vice versa)

If DSD wanted to have a 21st party without my DS (who will be 8 when she's 21) then I'll be happy to go along with that. I don't see why an 8YO should be foistered onto a 21YO......

It could be that the 21YO's mother is taking the blame because the 21YO doesn't want to appear unreasonable? I know my mother would do that for me (and has done)

I just wouldn't lose any sleep over it. Finding a sitter isn't that difficult.

floaty · 09/04/2008 11:31

In similar circumstances I would not expect my dh to miss his releltives birthday celebration so I would stay home with the children so that he could represent us.But then i am one of those who look forward to "no children" as a break for us.
Although i do agree that this is an awful time and would annoy me slightly as covers bed and bath etc

Freckle · 09/04/2008 11:39

The only family we know about is the OP, her dh and 2 dcs, SIL, BIL and niece, and one set of grandparents. So practically half the family.

Semantics aside, it seems odd to me that SIL would choose to do it this way.

littlelapin · 09/04/2008 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Freckle · 09/04/2008 11:54

That's often the problem with these threads. We all get worked up on one basis and then the OP comes along with some more info which knocks all our ideas into a cocked hat .

LazyLinePainterJane · 09/04/2008 11:55

Maybe they just think you are really snobby and have worked out a way to make sure you won't be there? I'd be tempted if I knew you would comment in the way you have about the celebration they have chosen and paid for....

AbbeyA · 09/04/2008 12:06

I think that there is far more to it than just this meal out-it sounds as if animosity goes back a long way.

jura · 09/04/2008 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cazboldy · 09/04/2008 12:17

Personally I wouldn't go anyway - it's a family meal - are you children not family? and it's not as if they are eating too late for children.........

potoftea · 09/04/2008 12:19

OP maybe they don't like your children for some reason and don't want them there .
It's not against the law to dislike people we are related to, and it's not as if other children are going and yours are being excluded.
Why should they be invited? You and your dh are invited along with the other adult members of the extended family; either find a sitter and go, or one of you go and the other stay home.

But whatever you do remember you are being invited to meal as someone else's guest, which is very nice of them.

lulumama · 09/04/2008 12:19

if it is purely about no babysitter, then register with the sitters agency that has been linked to, and you are sorted

however, i get the impression that DOB does not want to go, so she can make a big deal about herself and her family being 'excluded'.

because if it was just about no babysitter, she would not have been so sneery about where the party is and would have got sorted with a babysitter.

friends, neighbours, nursery nurses, agency etc would all provide childcare no doubt if DOB asked

Original poster
droopyoldbird · 09/04/2008 12:23

well, it is a family meal before those who wish to go into town go to indulge in what they want to.

This is why I am upset about it. The guests at the meal will be grandparents, elderly family friends, dh's 50 yr old brother + partner etc. There will be 3 guests under 25 including my niece. My dh and I will be the next youngest adults at 35 and 37 so hardly a raucous affair.

I am not going to get into a row with my s-i-l about this but I feel it is very personal on her part to exclude the children as we are the only family members with small children.

I would never dream of letting them know our feelings as to their choice of venue as that would be rude. We keep our opinions to ourselves mostly as we know we chose to eat at more expensive and nicer places.

I do not want to involve my niece in this as it would upset her (the family do not argue normally) and I want her to have a good birthday.

Our family usually babysit so most will be at the meal and my parents are away. I do not want to leave a 2yr old at bedtime with any one apart from family.
DH does not want to go without his family (ie me and the children)as he cant see why they cant go. I have a better relationship with his sister than he does so dont think she would want to exclude me. They have made it clear we are welcome but not the children.

I was planning to buy our neice a lovely necklace for her biorthday and just say 'sorry we could not make it' as dont want her to feel bad.

OP posts:
lulumama · 09/04/2008 12:28

i doubt they are excluding you to make you feel hurt

but a 6 yr old and a 2 yr old at a sit down meal, even if they are good as gold, is not what the people making the party want

and it is up to them

surely you have one friend or nursery nurse or someone you could leave the DCs with? or put he DCs to bed and then go , leaving the sleeping DCs with a babysitter?

SoupDragon · 09/04/2008 12:33

YABU. I wouldn't want my own 2 yo (or possibly not my 7 and 9 yos either) at a celebratory meal in a restaurant at 6pm!

Original poster
droopyoldbird · 09/04/2008 12:34

thanks but by the time they are in bed the meal will be over.

the meal is being pre ordered to eat at 6pm sharp which is dc meal time anyway . It will all be over by 8:30 latest.

OP posts:
Original poster
droopyoldbird · 09/04/2008 12:36

DH and I love nothing more than going out for an evening without the dc to let our hair down but this will be a sober early evening meal for the family.

OP posts:
Youcannotbeserious · 09/04/2008 12:39

Well, I still think it's unreasonable. And I think it's unreasonable that you can't possibly leave your kids with a sitter / family friend for a couple of hours, early evening.........

SoupDragon · 09/04/2008 12:40

I assume you know for certain your SIL isn't a MNer...?

nailpolish · 09/04/2008 12:44

FFS does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?

tbh your niece probably wont care whether you are there or not. at 21 all you care about are your mates.