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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset our children are not invited

278 replies

droopyoldbird · 09/04/2008 06:45

I am sure this subject has been done to death but my dh niece is having a meal for her 21st birthday.
They will be eating at 6 prompt as the 'youngsters' want to go into town for the rest of the eve.It is being held at a crap cheap Beefeater place.
We have no sitters that eve and my dh's sister and her husband (who are paying) have said 'they made the decision that it was an adult do and they dont want little ones running about - dont take it personally'
We are the only people invited with little ones.
The niece would like the children to be there.
AIBU to be really upset and cross that they have this attitude ? We are now uanble to go as have no sitters.

OP posts:
Chequers · 10/04/2008 08:53

Message withdrawn

Upwind · 10/04/2008 08:59

MP "why on earth anyone wulod exclude them is beyond me"

Quite, but you are not the host. When I am invited to a party or any gathering I either accept the invitation on the host's terms or decline politely without feeling at all hard done by. When I throw a party I get to decide who is included and where it is held.

The problem is simply that the S-I-L's family has different tastes to the OP which is seen by her as unacceptable. They will have lots of people's wishes to accomodate and no reason to give precedence to the desires of the OP.

AbbeyA · 10/04/2008 09:00

I don't think the grudge is tongue in cheek-they obviously don't get on or she would have picked up the phone and explained the difficulties of getting a sitter for 5.50pm as opposed to evening, rather than posting her frustrations on here.

Freckle · 10/04/2008 09:01

I don't DOB said, but all that would apply if it were being held on a Friday.

I've just re-read the OP and notice that SIL has said they are excluding the children as they don't want lots of little ones running around. Which rather begs the question of why she would choose to hold the meal in a Beefeater? It's bound to be heaving with other families with small children. So, it does rather make her decision a rather pointed and personal one, doesn't it?

morningpaper · 10/04/2008 09:06

I hate this weirdy British attitude "It's my party and I decide who comes" etc

It's the wedding thing all over again - it's so SPOILT and self-centred - and parties are supposed to be something you do for the ENJOYMENT of your friends!

When I throw parties, everyone is invited

pindy · 10/04/2008 09:08

Book a table near to them for the 4 of you!!! Tell them you are sorry but you can't make their event as your children have a prior engagement and they can't find anyone to look after their parents (you) so you have to go along

PS My DD & DS went to a party like this when they were 2 & 4 - they were the life and sole of it - thank god they did go!! Any as for there behaviour - getting all the "grown ups" to put the chairs in a long line and performing "Row row row your boat" but the highlight!!!!

Good luck!

X

Saveme · 10/04/2008 09:08

I hate this weirdy British attitude "It's my party and I decide who comes" etc

It's the wedding thing all over again - it's so SPOILT and self-centred - and parties are supposed to be something you do for the ENJOYMENT of your friends!

When I throw parties, everyone is invited

PMSL!!! What utter bollocks, pardon my french. As if you invite everyone you've ever met to every party you throw. Snort!

mumto2daughters · 10/04/2008 09:09

I think YABU, it is their party and they should decide who to invite, we often get invited to adult only parties and do one of the following.

  • ask a close friend or relative to babysit and both go to the party
  • decline the invitation
  • one of us will go and the other stay at home with our dd's
pindy · 10/04/2008 09:09

their

morningpaper · 10/04/2008 09:12

PMSL!!! What utter bollocks, pardon my french. As if you invite everyone you've ever met to every party you throw. Snort!

erm yes I do actually

we have 1 or 2 a year in the garden with about 100 people and a few a year with children only - well great uncle Bulgaria is welcome to attend things like the easter egg hunt but I think he would probably not enjoy that particular event

morningpaper · 10/04/2008 09:13

I've certainly never had to take anyone to one side and say "I'm sorry but you're/your children are not invited"

I can't believe people do it TBH

Saveme · 10/04/2008 09:14

Well morningpaper, even if you do invite everyone you know why the hell would you expect everybody else to lives their lives just like you???? Is your way the best way?

Very smug attitude.

morningpaper · 10/04/2008 09:16

Oooh yes I am SO smug, not excluding people from parties

Anna8888 · 10/04/2008 09:17

What do you do when you don't have enough space/money, MP?

One of my cousins is getting married in June. She is 45 and her husband to be is a few years older, they have two tiny children and massive families and lots of friends acquired over the years (lots of children).

They are paying for their wedding themselves and don't want to spend too much as they still have their children's education to think about and not many working years ahead of them. Their chosen venue (very well chosen geographically and a nice place) can hold just over 100 people.

They have decided not to invite any children over 5. They also are not inviting many close family members (lots of my cousins won't be there).

You can't invite everyone you know unless you don't have many friends.

Saveme · 10/04/2008 09:18

Anna, morningpaper doesn't have to worry about that stuff, her life is perfect.

AbbeyA · 10/04/2008 09:19

It rather puts me off arranging any event/party - you seem bound to offend someone!!!

morningpaper · 10/04/2008 09:19

Her 'venue of choice' could be changed

to a field and a picnic

it's not about lack of choice

anyway we are talking about a Beefeater here with 8 people, there is hardly a big lack of choice there

Chequers · 10/04/2008 09:20

Message withdrawn

Anna8888 · 10/04/2008 09:20

MP - oh really, you are just being very silly.

A field and a picnic? Far too Medieval for me.

nappyaddict · 10/04/2008 09:20

if the niece wants them there i think they are being unreasonable. it is her birthday after all.

Chequers · 10/04/2008 09:21

Message withdrawn

morningpaper · 10/04/2008 09:21

Yes those Medievals dos were rubbish weren't they

I am not tolerant of people who exclude children from family parties

tigermoth · 10/04/2008 09:22

If they don't like children I agree it's wierd to hold the meal in a beefeater and then suffer other people's children.

The familiy may assume that the OP can easiliy get a babysitter sorted, hence don't see the problem. As there are not many young children in the family, they may not be really clued up on childcare issues. I know the OP doesn't want her youngest 2 year old dc babysat at bedtime, but lots of 2 year olds do get babysat - it's not unusual. The family cannot be expected to know the OP's feelings on hiring babysitters.

But in the OP's postition, I might tell the SIL and her neice together, the problem with getting babysitters (in a nice way) and see what happens next... at least it brings things out into the open a bit more. I think being nicely and publically open is a good attitude to take here so if there is any undercurrent of exclusion, the hosts will feel shamed. If there isn't, then the hosts can realise their mistaken assumption about babysitters and make amends.

morningpaper · 10/04/2008 09:22

But they DO want to invite kids, they just are restricted by the venue, which they chose

BetteNoir · 10/04/2008 09:23

I don't think MP is being smug.
I agree with her.

I can understand the OP being upset.
The venue and the timing is perfect for children.
The birthday girl would like the children to be there.

If money was the issue they could have asked people to pay for their own meals. We've been to celebrations like that before - each guest paid for their own meal, and the host buys a few bottles of wine.

It appears there is more to it in this circumstance - it just seems like a deliberate snub, and rather churlish.

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