Page 5 | DH grumpy all weekend if I don't give him sex

maggh · 2024-06-22T19:55:05+00:00

There's a clear correlation. He expects it every Friday night basically. If I don't want to or say no, he's super grumpy all weekend. He doesn't talk much, moaps around, doesn't want to do anything, criticises stuff I've left undone at home. Just bad vibes all round. I honestly wouldn't care if I never had sex again. I only do it to avoid the moods, never because I want to. Sometimes I say no, I'm tried or whatever and he just says he hates his life. He also smokes and says if I ' gave him more sex ' he'd quit. We have two kids under 5. I'm feeling very resentful.

Itsprobablynotcominhome · 22/06/2024 22:41

maggh · 22/06/2024 21:22

Is that really how easily people give up on marriages?

He's not my boyfriend- we are married with two kids.. surely there must be some way to sort this out, that isn't divorce?

Or am I just dreaming to think like that?

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He could choose to stop coercing you into sex you don't want.

StormingNorman · 22/06/2024 22:42

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable. It’s just that your sex drives are incompatible. You need less sex to be happy. He needs more sex to be happy. You do need to think about whether this is sustainable.

How he expresses himself through moods and sulking is unacceptable and you shouldn’t feel forced into sex to make him happy.

Floorbard · 22/06/2024 22:42

TheTartfulLodger · 22/06/2024 22:02

If you spent too long on here you'd think so yes. All anyone seems to do is egg people on to end marriages over the most trivial reasons. Nobody works on marriage anymore. They all just walk away apparently. I think they must view marriage as a party to have a few times a year just to walk away straight afterwards and not something to be worked on. No til death do us part around here..

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Coercing someone into sex isn’t really a trivial reason to divorce though. Thank fuck divorce isn’t seen as taboo nowadays and people don’t have to stay in awful marriages if they don’t want to!

OhTheSilence · 22/06/2024 22:42

Please don't do what some people are suggesting here and schedule sex with your DH, it will make it worse. Scheduling can only work if you still have good communication and emotional intimacy but are just having trouble making the time. But it sounds like the communication and emotional closeness are lacking right now because he's just piling on the pressure for sex and turning it into coercive emotional blackmail, leaving you feeling used. Ideally he needs to back off for a while and take sex off the agenda so you can both work on finding a way to be attracted to each other again.

PaminaMozart · 22/06/2024 22:43

I simply do not get the concept of 'giving him sex'....... it's just so transactional and sad.

I'm quite old and have been with my husband for nearly 50 years. FIFTY. And we still enjoy having sex. Not as frequently as in years gone by, but about once a week. And it's always very enjoyable and satisfying.

@maggh - it seems you are way past the point of no return. You could potentially rekindle the lust if you were truly invested...... but you aren't. So you could split up now, or in 5 years time, in 10 years time, 20........ or grow old and miserable together.

You only have ONE life...

Floorbard · 22/06/2024 22:45

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He’s a rapist, so that would probably be the first point to address in counselling.

SearchBedSocksNearMe · 22/06/2024 22:45

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/06/2024 21:02

It sounds like the relationship is over unless you can communicate well enough between you to overcome this. Resentment leads to contempt and that’s a killer.

He shouldn’t try to coerce you into sex you don’t want. However, if you don’t think you’ll ever want to have sex with him again you need to tell him that so he stops asking and you can both decide what the future holds.

We have two under 5 and I wouldn’t be happy if DH decided I was going to be celibate forever if that’s what staying married to me meant.

Or perhaps this is a vicious circle where the more he sulks and pesters for sex the more OP is turned off. I know I would be. Nothing attractive about a whining sex pest.

MateyMusings · 22/06/2024 22:45

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Plantheads5 · 22/06/2024 22:46

OP, you are both young and this marriage is over.
You can limp along until the toxicity drives you to finally end it.
You don't want sex with him.
He is a moody emotionally abusive grump as a result.
Shit atmosphere for your children to grow up in.
The toxicity will seep into them
Give some serious thought to how splitting up would look.
Take your time, but give it serious consideration.

dropoutin · 22/06/2024 22:51

Agreeing to avoid a grumpy weekend is not a free choice.

Yes it is. The choices we make have an effect on other people and they respond. "Freedom" of choice doesn't mean a state where this somehow magically stops happening and everybody responds the way we want them to.

The OP is free to have sex or not. Her DH is free to be grumpy or not. They're free to stay in a crap relationship and make each other miserable for the next 50 years, or not.

Cherrysoup · 22/06/2024 22:54

maggh · 22/06/2024 22:13

I've had a few long term relationships and the real sexual spark, never lasted that long. I just thought it was normal to feel that way after a while.

I've heard other people say otherwise, but assumed it was BS because I've never experienced it.

I also never misrepresented myself before we got married. We both knew the score about everything. We were together 8 years before marriage and lived together for 4 years too.

I always just hoped it would change for me or I could just get on with it as I thought he was right for me.

Now all this time later, his moods just really put me off him. His personality is pretty downcast. I first thought it was just a transient thing, but it's just him. He's not a very sunny person. He's not spontaneous or joyful. He doesn't trust people, always cautious. I throw myself at stuff and I am open and want to have a full life.

We are basically pretty different people. I feel like he's always clipping my wings and enthusiasm for life and making me feel stupid and a bit like a teenager.

He's not fun. He's so unhappy and won't do anything about it. And he says he's unhappy, basically because of me and if only I gave him sex, he'd be happier.

Whereas I think I would be happier to actually be intimate with him, if he was just more up for doing stuff together and wasn't always so downcast and annoyed with me / the kids. Every time we go out, he can't wait to come home again. It bugs me. I wish he was just a bit kinder to me as well. He's just not. I don't feel like he even likes me, apart from providing a hole. He doesn't even care it's me. It's just because I'm there. He's also really tried to go all out with whips and ball gags and that kind of stuff and it's just a bit much, for someone who didn't really even want to do it in the first place.

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Have you told him this? That him being so negative all the time is putting you right off? He can’t just whinge about the lack of sex when his negativity is putting you off?

dropoutin · 22/06/2024 22:55

As so often with these things there's a lot of assumption flying around about what's causing what. But sometimes, some people just don't like sex. Sometimes people who used to like it just stop liking it. Particularly women related to childbirth or menopause, but sometimes men too.

People with different sized libidos can sometimes compromise effectively, but I don't think someone who wants sex and someone who doesn't want it at all can ever be happy with each other.

MateyMusings · 22/06/2024 22:59

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Naughty1205 · 22/06/2024 23:02

Ilovebees · 22/06/2024 21:35

@maggh I think it’s wrong to ask for sex every Friday night but there must be a back story to this , did you have lots of sex with him at the beginning of the relationship and now you are not interested in sex anymore ? This is also not fair on him , you can’t just say NO to sex unless you want a divorce , he’s been starved on sexual activity and maybe that’s why he’s suggestion sex every Friday night because otherwise you would never do it ? Sounds like he’s frustrated with this sexless marriage situation , that’s why he’s having to plan sex on every Friday night as a chore . I mean it’s not sexless marriage but it very well would be if he didn’t mention it to you every Friday . He knows that if he didn’t plan Friday nights , you’d never want or ask him yourself to do it any other day of the week . His self esteem must be shot to pieces you not wanting him , it feels like a chore to him because he knows deep inside you just doing it to get it over and done with , but you’re not actually enjoying it . Like you said you’d rather never have sex again if you could .

🤪 seriously.

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/06/2024 23:04

maggh · 22/06/2024 22:30

But he doesn't get none.

I do it. I occasionally say I'm tired or whatever and then I live with that consequence.

But he does get sex.

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Would he be more inclined to join you in counselling if he didn't get sex?

Despair1 · 22/06/2024 23:09

Hi OP, I totally get your frustration and lack of sexual desire. You are exhausted caring for 2 young children and it's easy not to feel sexual at all. Your husband is unreasonable to expect/dictate every Fri night. Lack of sexual relationships/minimal sexual relations are more normal than some might think when there are babies/young children. I am not making excuses for your husband but men and women view sex differently; I really think communication and compromise is needed. To hold you to ransom for sex is totally unacceptable, you definitely need to talk. Please try and work through this, it is better all around if children are brought up by 2 supportive parents who care and respect each other. If the situation continues, you will both get increasingly resentful/ Take care

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 22/06/2024 23:16

Being in a relationship with a lack of sex is soul destroying. I don't believe your husband is trying to coerce you into it by sulking, he is likely very effected by the rejection and it and it puts him into a short period of 'depression' for a couple of days.

It's not just as simple as saying sometimes people go off sex, sex is the deepest form of intamacy between couples and without it you are effectively in a friendship at best and at worst, a functional/co parenting relationship.

I disagree with the posts above saying he is forcing you to have sex, he is not. he is dissapointed with the situation he finds himself in and i can promise you, when you are repeatedly rejected when making a bid for emotional connection, you certainly don't feel walm butterflies towards that person. they are slowly destroying you at the core. When they stop reacting at all is when the problem has gone too far.

RedYellowPinkGreenPurpleOrangeBlue · 22/06/2024 23:19

What a rancid article! I'd never wanna have sex with him again, as long as I live. In fact, I'd tell him your vagina's closed for business, and to pack his bags and fuck off.

RedYellowPinkGreenPurpleOrangeBlue · 22/06/2024 23:20

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 22/06/2024 23:16

Being in a relationship with a lack of sex is soul destroying. I don't believe your husband is trying to coerce you into it by sulking, he is likely very effected by the rejection and it and it puts him into a short period of 'depression' for a couple of days.

It's not just as simple as saying sometimes people go off sex, sex is the deepest form of intamacy between couples and without it you are effectively in a friendship at best and at worst, a functional/co parenting relationship.

I disagree with the posts above saying he is forcing you to have sex, he is not. he is dissapointed with the situation he finds himself in and i can promise you, when you are repeatedly rejected when making a bid for emotional connection, you certainly don't feel walm butterflies towards that person. they are slowly destroying you at the core. When they stop reacting at all is when the problem has gone too far.

WTAF have I just read?!

OriginalUsername2 · 22/06/2024 23:20

Some men need spelling out that we need to be turned on to have sex and just as they cant have sex without an erection, we can’t have sex without a stimulated clitorus.

Moaning and whining does nothing to stimulate the clitorus. It’s a turn off. So no sex 🤷‍♀️

It’s quite simple but for some reason past the initial dating stage all the charm ,flirtation and attentive behaviour is forgotten and they suddenly think it’s “I need some sex so you must perform it on me”.

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 22/06/2024 23:28

RedYellowPinkGreenPurpleOrangeBlue · 22/06/2024 23:20

WTAF have I just read?!

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Clearly you have not been on the receiving end. Should go and look up threads where people are talking about the other side of it. But clearly doesn't fit your narrative that all men are sex crazed bastards and women are always right... i'm a female by the way.

Ilovebees · 22/06/2024 23:32

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 22/06/2024 23:16

Being in a relationship with a lack of sex is soul destroying. I don't believe your husband is trying to coerce you into it by sulking, he is likely very effected by the rejection and it and it puts him into a short period of 'depression' for a couple of days.

It's not just as simple as saying sometimes people go off sex, sex is the deepest form of intamacy between couples and without it you are effectively in a friendship at best and at worst, a functional/co parenting relationship.

I disagree with the posts above saying he is forcing you to have sex, he is not. he is dissapointed with the situation he finds himself in and i can promise you, when you are repeatedly rejected when making a bid for emotional connection, you certainly don't feel walm butterflies towards that person. they are slowly destroying you at the core. When they stop reacting at all is when the problem has gone too far.

👌☝️🤝 100% agree

justasking111 · 22/06/2024 23:37

When the children were small mine would pout and sulk sometimes, but all weekend that's concentrated unpleasantness and not nice for the children.

altmember · 22/06/2024 23:37

You're clearly not compatible and you need to separate. Have you actually told him you never want to have sex again?

Imambaldi · 22/06/2024 23:38

Plantheads5 · 22/06/2024 22:46

OP, you are both young and this marriage is over.
You can limp along until the toxicity drives you to finally end it.
You don't want sex with him.
He is a moody emotionally abusive grump as a result.
Shit atmosphere for your children to grow up in.
The toxicity will seep into them
Give some serious thought to how splitting up would look.
Take your time, but give it serious consideration.

OP doesn’t want sex because he is an emotionally abusive grump. Not the other way round .

He doesn’t make her feel loved, OP feels he doesn’t even like her so he’s using her as a convenient hole to put his dick.
Such a turn off !

I bet if OP met someone who treated her well, her libido would miraculously reappear.

What kind of person is it that has sex (and enjoys it) with an unwilling partner ??