DH grumpy all weekend if I don't give him sex

[maggh]

There's a clear correlation.

He expects it every Friday night basically.

If I don't want to or say no, he's super grumpy all weekend. He doesn't talk much, moaps around, doesn't want to do anything, criticises stuff I've left undone at home. Just bad vibes all round.

I honestly wouldn't care if I never had sex again.

I only do it to avoid the moods, never because I want to.

Sometimes I say no, I'm tried or whatever and he just says he hates his life.

He also smokes and says if I ' gave him more sex ' he'd quit.

We have two kids under 5.

I'm feeling very resentful.

Life is too short and the sense of dread must just be awful and draining for you. He’s turned you completely off with his attitude towards sex. That would be very hard to get back. As even when you do give in - I would struggle with constant “hurry up” thoughts and the feeling of violation . He’s sucking the life out of you. I would give him ultimatum of counselling or end of marriage. This will not change.

Nobody should be forced to have sex if they don’t want to. However it’s hard to never have sex and feel rejected when you suggest it. So basically you would be better off apart. Life is too short to be in a relationship which isn’t fulfilling either persons needs.

It seems like you are mismatched sexually or you just don't want to have sex. I dont think once a week is an excessive ask. But on the other hand once a year with somebody you don't want to have sex with is too often. Seems you have a major problem and you need to consider whether staying in the relationship will make either of you happy.

Yanbu
sounds horrible op x
can I ask what his unhappiness is about ? I know you say it’s about no sex but you say he’s downcast, seems pretty miserable? I’m not making excuses for him but more concerned that people don’t tend to be hugely sexual active when unhappy/depressed?? If he is using sex as coping it’s a major red flag. Not that you need another one I know

Haha you're on the wrong place for constructive marital advice beyond "LTB".

What an awful situation. PPs are quite right that your H is being coercive/abusive. It’s totally unacceptable. If you don’t want to have sex with him, you must say so. And he must respect that.

It reminds me of the Aesops fable of the North Wind and the Sun. If you coerce and pressure a person, they’ll naturally resist, hence your comment about not wanting to let him ‘win’ by enjoying it. Whereas if you make a person feel appreciated and desired, they’ll probably want to do it. He’s clearly not doing anything to make you feel special, if you feel like ‘a hole’.

But, it also goes both ways. It sounds like you’re not really into him, even if he weren’t coercive, due to your different personalities. Knowing you don’t want to be physical with him must make him feel undesired and miserable. In fact, it sounds like he may be depressed. And his lack of enthusiasm/grumpiness is escalating things further.

It’s a really tough one. First, do you want to stay with him? If so, you have young kids, which can really affect a couple’s sexual relationship. So, you should perhaps give yourselves grace and keep working at communicating, making each other feel special and having fun. Once the kids are a bit older, you may find more desire.

But, it sounds like you’ve never really enjoyed or looked forward to sex, either in previous relationships or for most of your current one. So, perhaps it’d help to ask yourself would you like to enjoy it or are you happy without it?

If the former, then perhaps a first step is figuring out what the barrier/solution is. Libido can be affected by lifestyle, rubbish lovers can be overcome by masturbation or maybe it’s more psychological (e.g fear of pregnancy or because you’ve been taught to view sex as dirty or unpleasant).

If the answer is you’re happier without it (and some people do prefer celibacy), then you need to be honest with your H. And you have to be prepared he doesn’t want to be celibate and you have to split.

Whatever happens, he must immediately stop expecting to have sex as some conjugal right (it’s not the 1950s) and start respecting your feelings. So, it’s probably best to make clear you don’t want to have sex for a certain amount of time while you contemplate how you want to move forward. Good luck.

@maggh there are some things healthy marriages can get through and with open and respectful communication aren't a reason to give up on a marriage - differences in how you want to spend weekends, parenting decisions, which home to buy, etc. Heck even figuring out what type of sex life you both want for your marriage - many people need to talk about this in their relationship and as long as fully consensual, no pressure, no consequences if someone doesn't agree, is healthy. 'Getting through' coercive sex when it's clear he hasn't cared the impact this has on you? This is not one of them.

I also have a suspicion this isn't the only area where maybe you don't have autonomy that feels safe in this marriage.

If he is making you feel he's won when he gets your body on his terms? Then something is very very wrong and you deserve much much better.

I've been in your situation. The difference being that my partner was understanding and I never noticed any change in his mood... just sleeping habits if I'm honest. I would go to bed and he would stay up so it was quite obvious what was going on but at the time I'd honestly rather that than have sex. I got annoyed once because I said that he only came to bed when he knew sex was on the cards. He didn't even realise he was doing this until I pointed it out every time. The problem was that he is very physical and I'm not so much. It's more important for him than me.

I'd met him 18 months after my ex left me while I was pregnant. I had a c section, and then I had cervical cancer and most of my cervix removed within a year of living together. Then I became disabled from a genetic illness. I was very stressed all the time and just never felt in the mood. It wasn't because he didn't try and it wasn't his fault at all. I remember 5 years ago looking him dead in the eye and telling him to leave me and find someone who wants to have sex because I would never want to ever again. He said that was fine and he loved me and if that's how I feel that's OK. I was so annoyed. I felt like he didn't believe me and was holding out for me to change my mind. I'd convinced myself I was actually asexual. He never once intiated sex or mentioned it to me and I appreciated that.

Now my children are older and mostly look after themselves (I mean getting dressed, getting their own breakfast etc) I feel a lot less stressed. I have time to look after myself and do things I enjoy. Life is just easier. I now get in the mood all the time. Last night I was the one mithering when he had a headache. I cant believe how I felt 5 years ago and I'll forever feel lucky that he didn't just give up on me. I think one important thing is that we talk to each other. And also he is very understanding. If you can't talk and think about how the other person is feeling then I don't know how you will work around it. One piece of advice that really helped me , and I may have read it on here. "Have you ever had sex with your husband and not enjoyed it at the time?" For me the answer was no, it was the anticipation of having to be in the mood when I just never was that would put me off. I'd make every excuse under the sun and fallasleep on purpose. Afterwards I hated having to go and pee etc before sleeping. It felt like another chore really. But I never pretended to enjoy it.

As so many people have said, sex is not something that one person “gives” and another one “gets”. It’s something the two of you do together. So you don’t want it and he just wants to wank into you?
it may or may not be the case that you never want to have sex again. What is clear is that you don’t want it with him. You don’t fancy him. You aren’t attracted to him. He’s coerced you, you feel he brings you down, and you resent him.

Why would you stay with him?

@maggh

You say you want counseling but he won't go. Any counselor worth their salt will tell you that if your partner won't go, you go alone. There are obvious problems in your marriage and a counselor can help you sift through things and sort the wheat from the chaff. Then you can make a decision as to whether or not you feel you need to make changes in yourself for yourself, and/or whether you want to stay or end the marriage, given that he will not change on his own.

Barring abuse and/or medical issues, the lack of sex in a marriage is generally the symptom of the problems, not the problems themselves. And the actual problems are usually not sexual/libido related. They're the 'other things' in the marriage that simply aren't working.

As far as the sex itself, as PPs have said, it's not a bargaining chip. My late mother (born in the 1920s) told me that sex is a joyous and mutual coming together of two people to show their love for each other. It doesn't sound like that's what's going on in your marriage.

Mine was like that for a while. It is, with some men an actual need that does affect their mood. He worked all week and expected to me togo get shopping and start the weekend washing too first. I worked all week and by Friday I was exhausted. I refused him and woke him early Saturday morning for a couple of weeks - he hated it. Sex in the morning was not his thing, but it worked.

We were together 8 years before marriage and lived together for 4 years too.

@maggh His Catholicism is only when it suits him, then?

I think if he doesn't want to try counselling then you can't go on like this, it's horrible to put up with this sort of man.

He's manipulating you. Sex does not cure personal unhappiness. His unhappiness is within him. If you gave into him he'd just move the goalposts and claim he was unhappy with the type of sex you were having and start demanding anal or some other godawful thing. It's all about control with guys like that.
He's responsible for his own happiness. It's not your job to lift his perpetually negative mood by offering up your body.
He is trying to use sex as an antidepressant. It doesn't work. He needs to get some professional help.

so you leave your husband
deal with all the shit that comes with a divorce
he’s not going to be happy because he sees it as your fault so I can’t imagine a divorce being amicable

meybe in a year or 2 you get on the dating apps
and realise that pretty much all the men on there want is sex

a fair amount are married looking for sex cos there wife / partner is like you so they look elsewhere

others will just lie and say what you want to hear to get you in bed

to be honest unless you never desire a relationship again sex is something most men will want

But you shouldn’t feel forced into sex by someone winging and moaning

but he also shouldn’t feel he has to stay in a sexless relationship

I mean, from my perspective you're not easily giving up on a marriage. You're in a situation where you never really want to have sex again, yet you are facing another 30 years of being coerced into sex EVERY friday night, or facing punishments of an angry miserable bloke who will ruin your weekend. This is a bloody awful way to love and a grim future if you ask me.

Just saying, don't minimise this, it's a miserable situation and enough for you to stop and reassess.

That's a great idea. Or even just teaching these things realistically in school PSHE would be a good start.

You've just read that some people like/need sex with their partners and are unhappy when they don't get it.

The sex life you both have is awful though. He hassles and coerces you into sex you really don't want. Neither of you is having a fulfilling mutually enjoyable sex life. You may be asexual or you may have been turned off sex with him permanently because of his behaviour. You're asking if this can be saved without divorce and the answer is obviously no. You can continue living like this or you can separate. It's totally toxic.

forced sex is coercion which is rape end of.

no one and I mean no one should be having sex they don’t want ever regardless of how the other person feels. More so if he’s sulky grown man. He knows you’re giving in so what does that say about him and it’s not virtuous

if you don’t want to end your marriage go to counselling alone as it might be an eye opener for you in helping you see what’s actually wrong in your marriage and then deciding.

by the way catholics divorce too

" I honestly wouldn't care if I never had sex again.

I only do it to avoid the moods, never because I want to."

Read the OP it's short and couldn't be clearer.
She doesn't want sex with him.
She endures it, he feels entitled to it every Friday and he strops for the weekend without it.
Utterly toxic for her and her children.
Better to separate than inflict his moods on her and the children.

He could leave though couldn't he, if it was really that bad for him ? Why is he not leaving ? Why is it up to me to leave ?

I won't be responsible for leaving. If he hates it so much, he can leave.

Because most men are cowards and want the blame put on the women for leaving.

What codswallop. Sex with this charmer is obviously not an act of love. Meet someone repulsive who has turned you off sex in the middle? I don’t think so.

So, is there anything you both do like doing together?
Say, going to a film or out dancing or eating chocolate after a walk I would be making more time to participate together in warm, communicative and enjoyable past times together..
Could you make a date to do that and m,aybe both end up with a much better sex life as a result?