I’ve just read all your posts and this one explains a lot. I really feel for you 🤗. Does your H know about the sex blackmailing? If so, it makes it all the worse he’s demanding and coercing you into sex.
The lack of a healthy relationship when you were growing up is also insightful. When abuse is normalised in childhood, it’s harder to see it. And I’m afraid from what you’ve described your H is abusive: sexually and emotionally. He may not mean to be, but he is.
I was in a similar situation to you, though nowhere near as bad and without the sex coercion and lack of interest in the kids. I loved him v much (still do) and didn’t want to put my kids through a relationship breakdown, as I’d been affected by a bitter divorce and dysfunctional family.
I also expected him to take his fair share of the household load once we had kids. Like your H, his mother did everything at home. But he didn’t step up and instead became more and more morose/negative and wouldn’t go to counselling or talk to anyone. I was carrying so much, I ended up with depression and anxiety. He wouldn’t move out (not even temporarily). I couldn’t afford to leave with the kids and he knew it. It became a war of attrition.
After counselling, anguished soul-searching and even reaching out to both our families (poor response), plus many warnings things had to change, I reluctantly concluded that, while he said he loved me, he didn’t love me enough. I told him it was over. After a couple more years, we stopped living together. By then, the kids were older and it affected them more than if it’d happened earlier.
Everyone’s different. I don’t know you. You sound v self-aware, empathetic and strong. You sound a fantastic mum. You sound like you’d be much happier on your own. And you deserve a loving, kind, equal partner. My advice would be to ask him to move out on a temporary break. It’s less final. He sounds like he may be depressed and he should use that time to sort himself out, decide what he wants and what he proposes to offer you and the kids. The reality of losing you all may trigger him to shape up. Could his family or friends put him up and support him?
But I wouldn’t hold out much hope. If he won’t leave even temporarily or step up, then I suggest the healthiest thing is to tell him it’s over and start to make plans to leave. No rush. Get advice on your rights, sort finances, weigh up your options, build a support network of trusted friends/fellow lone mums around you. But start to plan your future and move towards it as quickly as you can. And aim to stay on good terms for the kids’ sake. The most important thing to kids is parents who get on, rather than parents who live together (and resent each other). Much love ❤️