DH grumpy all weekend if I don't give him sex

[maggh]

There's a clear correlation.

He expects it every Friday night basically.

If I don't want to or say no, he's super grumpy all weekend. He doesn't talk much, moaps around, doesn't want to do anything, criticises stuff I've left undone at home. Just bad vibes all round.

I honestly wouldn't care if I never had sex again.

I only do it to avoid the moods, never because I want to.

Sometimes I say no, I'm tried or whatever and he just says he hates his life.

He also smokes and says if I ' gave him more sex ' he'd quit.

We have two kids under 5.

I'm feeling very resentful.

Given your update do you think he’ll want to stay married with things as they are? Would you want to be with him if you knew he was literally repulsed by you? It’s not about you giving up, he could be the one to want a divorce.

Would you mind him having sex with someone else?

I think your update shows this is a long term issue for you. Do you want to want to have sex again?

My ExH was like that, also married early 20s. After I left him, it turned out I had a quite a healthy sex drive. 7 years into my marriage with current DH, I still do. You know why? Because it's not a duty that is expected. DH wants sex with me because he wants ME and wants me to have a nice time too. If I say I'm tired, he gives me hug and pours me a wine and we watch Netflix. There is ZERO pressure. It's purely and always nothing but enthusiastically consensual.

ExH used to sulk, get moody, and make me feel like I was nothing but a hole and a failure of a wife. Like my feelings and pleasure didn't matter as long as HE got what he wanted.

How the hell can you get excited by that? KNOWING that if you don't perform, you'll have a weekend of being treated like shit. The threat of that alone would make any woman close up.

You need to stop doing it completely until you actually want to. This is coersion. If you never want to again then you can consider leaving but there's no rush for that. He needs to realise what he is doing.

Why don’t you want sex?

No, being coerced into having sex you don't want or enjoy is the worst feeling, his behaviour has semi caused this reluctance, stop putting all the blame on op it's disgusting.

Not just with him, just sex in general, I find it so disgusting.

In that case — if you genuinely can't imagine having and enjoying sex ever again, even if your DH was no longer on the scene and you met someone else — then it might be helpful to talk to a psychologist or sex therapist (on your own, at least to start with).

No he won't leave the marriage.

He's catholic. We both are. Him more than me though....

I don't know how I feel about him having sex with someone else. I can't predict how I would feel about that. It's not ideal.

I want to go to counselling personally, but he doesn't want to.

I'm also not repulsed by him per se. He's really handsome.

@Ilovebees really? You think coercing someone into sex is the way to do it? Rather than be affectionate and respectful, communicate and be patient? Sex for women is as much emotional as physical. I need to feel loved, respected and appreciated. Threats, resentment and silent treatment would make my vagina firmly shut down.

Oh grim. He is raping you
You grit your teeth ?
Christ- Monday ask for advice from womens aid they are brilliant
Can you imagine years and years of this?

I'm sad you have to live like this. Did he grump around today? Ifyou were my friend I'd tell you to get him on a countdown. Once more and that's the end,

Rapist.

Your view, and your partner's view, of sex is odd to me. I'm way, way past the inclination. But, as I remember it, sex was a mutual enjoyment type of thing.

not a transactional thing. As in "I'll give you sex, you give me a good natured weekend".

just the thought of "giving" someone sex, seems all kinds of wrong.

Oh, and I don't think everyone over a certain age should be disinterested in sex, just that I am.

If you spent too long on here you'd think so yes. All anyone seems to do is egg people on to end marriages over the most trivial reasons. Nobody works on marriage anymore. They all just walk away apparently. I think they must view marriage as a party to have a few times a year just to walk away straight afterwards and not something to be worked on. No til death do us part around here..

Not just with him, just sex in general, I find it so disgusting

I 100% guarantee you it's him. You just can't see it yet as you've forgotten what it feels like to be appreciated and respected.

I thought you were talking about a 16-30 year marriage. You’re better off without this man. You’ve still time to find the right guy.

There's absolutely no excuse for his behaviour. But neither of you are communicating well to each other. TBH if you went off sex after a year into the relationship you really should not have gotten married. Being trapped in a sexless marriage is horrible.

There's no excuse for his behaviour but you will need to address the whole situation together before it turns even more toxic.

Yeah it's gross.

I used that terminology without even thinking because that's how he talks about it.

I don't give him sex, I don't give him any joy in his life. Everything would be better if I just gave him more sex. He'd stop smoking, be less grumpy etc.

It's totally fucked up terminology, you're right.

Having sex with a man who expects sex on Fridays and sulks if it doesn’t happen is not intimacy.

Why would anyone want sex with someone like that? Doesn’t mean we don’t long for intimacy. Don’t confuse duty sex with intimacy.

Of course he doesn't want to go to counselling, he doesn't want to be held accountable for his sulking and coercive behaviour, he just wants you to give in, lay back and think of England.

He doesn't care if you enjoy sex he wants to use your body for his own pleasure.

He shows you no consideration through his behavioir and actions, THAT is why you don't want sex, he isn't even treating you like a human being, you don't feel safe enough to have sex with him.

That's not good enough, it isn't the answer they want to hear on MN. They want you to despise him and hate him. They want you to leave him because he's a rapist and a terrible father. It's the drama you see. They thrive on it here.

It doesn’t sound like you have up periods though, if you went off it after the first year. Just downs? Yes it’s normal to go off sex. It’s also normal to want sex. He’s an absolute arsehole for behaving like a pathetic man child when he doesn’t get sex. You need to be honest with him that you don’t see sex as an important part of your relationship. Then you can both make a decision as to how to proceed.
I wouldn’t be willing to live the rest of my life without sex.

How are OP and her husband working on their marriage? Through terrible communication and mutual resentment they’ve been watching it die in front of them.

Seperate. What is the point of this relationship?
He shouldn't have to live in a sexless monogamous relationship. You shouldn't have to live with some bloke having a strop about sex when you don't want to or be pressured into it . You clearly don't like him that much and he's probably bad in bed otherwise you'd want to have sex sometimes and I can tell from this post he thinks sex is about his dick and not about your pleasure.

Call it a day. You'll be a lot happier.

@TheTartfulLodger sex is not trivial. When you marry, BOTH parties make vows. He's broken his. He's not treating her with love and respect. So the woman should just grin and bear it while the man gets to be an arsehole?

Nah. Life's too short. Life is worth so so much more than that.