DH grumpy all weekend if I don't give him sex

[maggh]

There's a clear correlation.

He expects it every Friday night basically.

If I don't want to or say no, he's super grumpy all weekend. He doesn't talk much, moaps around, doesn't want to do anything, criticises stuff I've left undone at home. Just bad vibes all round.

I honestly wouldn't care if I never had sex again.

I only do it to avoid the moods, never because I want to.

Sometimes I say no, I'm tried or whatever and he just says he hates his life.

He also smokes and says if I ' gave him more sex ' he'd quit.

We have two kids under 5.

I'm feeling very resentful.

Hi OP, have you thought about getting counselling just for yourself? I think you could benefit from therapy about the difficulties you have had in the past?

A thought. Wait until he is due home. Sit little ones safely and run yourself a nice bath. As soon as he walks through the door, tell him they are in the living room and need feeding, that the washing needs putting in the dryer, and and list any other chores you would be doing prior to going to bed. Tell him you are preparing for sex, and foreplay includes HIM doing all of these things while you relax and wait for him. You may well feel like it, and he certainly wont.😅

Raise your standards. He's repulsive

Ps. Coercive sex is RAPE

I'm not surprised you don't want to have sex with him. He sounds very unappealing.

If you leave him you'll never have sex with him again. Wouldn't that be nice?

I wouldn’t have sex with him just because he’s a shit dad and a shit partner, without even getting to the expectations. If my husband was going to be a shit all weekend if he didn’t get sex I’d boot him out the door and he can come back when he is going to be a net contributor not a pathetic poor me net whiner. And if it happens again he won’t get a free weekend, he’ll get the kids for the weekend while I take a free weekend, as preparation for regular single parenting. I don’t know why women think ‘he does love them really, he just hates spending any time with them or having to look after them.’ What is love anyway? It’s not that. You need to get a whole lot more selfish and stop accommodating this. ‘Yes I can see everything about us makes you shitty. Nobody is making you stay here. Now you can smile and come to the park and play with the kids you chose to have or you can get out of their lives because they deserve better than what you give them. And so do I.’ That’s the truth OP.

OP, love is a verb. You say he loves his kids, you presume at some level he still loves you. But love is doing, not saying.

What he loves, if anything, is the idea of himself as a husband and father. The reality, apparently, not so much. Not when it means having to put himself second after the needs of those he professes to love. Not when it means putting himself in environments that are a bit crap and boring for adults: kid's gyms, playgrounds, soft play, play dates etc. You don't do those things because they're enriching cultural experiences, you do them because the children enjoy them and it's good for them to do that stuff. Except he doesn't do them, because he's lazy and selfish. He's putting himself first, always, and men like that don't change.

Similarly, I think you're in love with the idea of him as a husband and father, an equal partner, a man who loves you and the family you've created together. But again, the reality is very different, isn't it? When does he show you, by doing, that he loves you or the kids? When does he put you first, when does he inconvenience himself even slightly to do something to benefit you or the children? Having read all your posts on this thread, I'd have a reasonable stab at answering that question in one word: "never".

He won't change. Those of us who recognise this type of man (my father is one) know that.

I think the best thing you could do is look into solo counselling for you, to help you unpick the impact that your troubled childhood is continuing to have on your adult life, and to get some clarity on your thoughts and feelings towards your relationship and the behaviour you want modelled and to model for your children. It would be an opportunity for you to consider what kind of life you want for yourself and for them, what would have to change for that to happen, and how much of that is in your control - what's a realistic expectation if you stay, and what could be possible if you leave.

I've not read every post on here but I have read all of OP's posts. You poor soul, OP. I was once in a marriage that sounds mighty similar to yours and I too blamed myself for his bullying inadequacies and indifference.It may not be now, or next year, but this marriage needs to end. He is not a good person.

Nobody should have to have to sex if they don't want to. You are completely entitled not to have sex - it's horrible and it feels violating and upsetting to have sex when you really don't want to and are actively feeling repulsed and disgusted.

Your husband should absolutely not be demanding that you 'give him sex' and using it as a transaction.

However... I don't think it's particularly normal for a woman to completely go off sex to the point where they are 'repulsed by it all' and 'find it disgusting' regardless of who it's with.

There are often posts on Mumsnet from women whose husbands have zero interest in sex of any kind, and the women feel miserable, unloved and undesired as a result. Generally speaking, the advice they get is to end the marriage - they don't get told that they're being selfish pigs to want sex, they don't get told that it's their fault for being grumpy and undesirable. They get to see a sex therapist as a couple and then to leave if that doesn't help.

Ultimately, you should not be having to 'give' someone sex if you hate it. But I also think you're being very dismissive about the fact that you don't want a sexual relationship with your husband. You're talking about being utterly repulsed by the thought of any sexual contact with anyone as if that's just normal - but it absolutely isn't normal and I don't honestly think you can expect your husband to be happy with that situation. In a marriage, you can't reasonably expect one partner to give up any hope of a fulfilling sex life and be happy about that. I don't think it's fair on either of you to continue with this marriage.