DH grumpy all weekend if I don't give him sex

[maggh]

There's a clear correlation.

He expects it every Friday night basically.

If I don't want to or say no, he's super grumpy all weekend. He doesn't talk much, moaps around, doesn't want to do anything, criticises stuff I've left undone at home. Just bad vibes all round.

I honestly wouldn't care if I never had sex again.

I only do it to avoid the moods, never because I want to.

Sometimes I say no, I'm tried or whatever and he just says he hates his life.

He also smokes and says if I ' gave him more sex ' he'd quit.

We have two kids under 5.

I'm feeling very resentful.

My ex was the same. Thankfully we didn’t have kids. Now that a lot of time has passed I find this behaviour repulsive

That is absolutely not the same thing as intimacy. If op had actual intimacy, sex would probably feel differently about it. Right now all she has is coercion to behave like his sex doll. That is NOT intimacy.

How very controlled , unromantic and boring ...has he any nice points.... obviously have sick with him if you want too ..

How do you generally feel about your husband?

you could try counselling, but if he is mr grumpy after simply being told no on a Friday he is unlikely to say he will go. It’s up to you if you stay or go, but ultimately you are being bullied into sex and that doesn’t make him a great husband.

What resolution did you have in mind? He goes outside the marriage for sex? Would you be OK with that?

Well, unless you do something about it you've probably got another 40/50 years of this. JB

I admit to getting grumpy if I don’t get regular sex, it makes me happy, makes me feel wanted and loved. My husband knows this and he probably has sex more often than he’d choose to keep me happy.

Many marriages have periods of sex drought when one party or the other is exhausted or stressed and doesn’t have a desire for sex. Its not always the woman refusing and the man demanding. But whatever the marriage can’t endure permanently sexless if both parties are Not equally ij with it.

It's worth trying some things. The way you feel now isn't necessarily the way you will always feel. You have two children under 5!

If as a couple you want to think about a medical route, there are lots of medications that reduce libido, if your dh wants to try them...?

[ OK that's slightly tongue in cheek]

I'd strongly recommend couples therapy (not sex therapy) to promote better communication and greater intimacy, with or without sex, between you.

It has to be said that scheduled sex is sometimes recommended to maintain connection. Maybe he's trying to do that?

Do you ever enjoy sex? Do you orgasm? I never orgasmed with a partner until I was 49, and it did make me much less interested in sex. I also realised after I'd stopped using them that all hormonal contraception affects my libido. Would trying a change of contraception be worthwhile?

@maggh I think it’s wrong to ask for sex every Friday night but there must be a back story to this , did you have lots of sex with him at the beginning of the relationship and now you are not interested in sex anymore ? This is also not fair on him , you can’t just say NO to sex unless you want a divorce , he’s been starved on sexual activity and maybe that’s why he’s suggestion sex every Friday night because otherwise you would never do it ? Sounds like he’s frustrated with this sexless marriage situation , that’s why he’s having to plan sex on every Friday night as a chore . I mean it’s not sexless marriage but it very well would be if he didn’t mention it to you every Friday . He knows that if he didn’t plan Friday nights , you’d never want or ask him yourself to do it any other day of the week . His self esteem must be shot to pieces you not wanting him , it feels like a chore to him because he knows deep inside you just doing it to get it over and done with , but you’re not actually enjoying it . Like you said you’d rather never have sex again if you could .

I have a friend who experienced this same thing in her marriage. Her dh would pressure her daily to have sex, and it started to make her anxious and stressed, so in fact had the opposite effect, and she withdrew from him emotionally. In the end he did leave her for someone else, but then after the initial upset, she started to feel liberated and happier that she no longer had that pressure. She was no longer walking on eggshells or having to force herself to do something she didn’t want to do. If the sexual attraction on your side is no longer there, free yourself from this awful situation. Life’s too short.

No but he has to see where he is wrong and out of order and has to put 100% effort into making thing right and better.

This doesn't sound great either.

I agree with @Livelovebehappy

In both my marriages I went off my husband after about seven years, and really got to the stage where I couldn’t bear to have sex with them. It was horrendous living like that, so I really feel for you @maggh .

However, the second time it happened, I had matured enough to see how much my behaviour was affecting my DH self esteem.

My advice is to think long and hard about whether you can fancy your DH again, and what it would take to get there. Or you decide it’s fairer to let him go and have the chance of a relationship with someone who does really want him as a sexual partner.

Are you holding on because you really love him and desperately want him, or because he’s the convenient option?

The way you describe it “give him sex” or he says you give him sex is wrong. You should want to have sex and I can’t see anything he’s doing that would make you want to. It’s okay when relationships break down and end, you shouldn’t have to stay and “give him sex” to avoid his moods.
I couldn’t have sex for a very long time due to injury. Like years. My DH just made me feel more loved not that I was denying him.

We had normal sex when we first met in our early twenties 15 years ago.. nothing too much or too little, just the usual amount I would say.

We've been together for so long. Isn't it normal for it to slow the fuck down ? Two kids later, body changes, all the stresses of life.

I don't think his self esteem is shot tbh. He says it's all on me and apparently I wasn't up for it as much as he liked, even before. It's always been my issue, according to him.

In all honesty, I started going off sex a bit after the first year or so. It's always been the case for me in relationships. I just thought that was completely normal. To have ups and downs.

He'd get a bit grumpy even then.

At the moment I'm just repulsed by it all. Not just with him, just sex in general, I find it so disgusting. Not sure what's happened. Maybe my body has just shut down now, through years of not wanting to do it, but doing it with gritted teeth.

How long has this been going on for?

I don’t think people should give up on marriages easily but I’m not sure how you think it’s going to get any better.

He wants more sex and you want less and either way one of you is miserable about it - how can either of you compromise on this?

Are you going to continue having sex with him when you don’t want it?
Or put up with his moods every weekend?

You can try talking to him and perhaps going to counselling but I can’t see how this is going to get any better.

If you remove the sex aspect of it, what is the relationship like in general?

It does seem odd that he’s grumpy on the weekends and not during the week.
Perhaps it’s not just about the sex but he’s also unhappy with family life.

You can actually say no to sex for any reason you want. You can say no to sex as the sky is blue today if you want. I think you need to follow the transformed wife on Facebook as she’ll be more aligned with your views on sex in marriage.

The relationship is over then, I certainly wouldn't stay in a sexless relationship

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Oh @maggh I dont think this is going to improve mate! You are repulsed by the idea of sex with him and have been doing it through gritted teeth?!

You say a divorce would be giving up too easily but how else do you think this story ends?

@maggh Ultimately I think it’s you who needs to make this right , because it’s you who doesn’t want sex with him , not him . It’s you who has changed , not him , so it’s for you to fix . And you can’t really be mad at him for sulking as he probably never saw this sexless marriage coming , and he feels like he has to force sex with you because otherwise he will never get it and that must feel horrible for him . And for you too ofcourse , so that’s why I think your marriage has run its course because it’s not fair on both of you . Not fair on you to HAVE to have sex when you don’t to , and not fair on him having to stick around for a person who doesn’t want him in bed whatsoever , when you DID want him at the beginning of your relationship but not anymore . Not feeling wanted is the worst feeling ever , feeling of rejection by your partner .

If he NEEDS an orgasm refer him to Madam Palm and her five beautiful daughters.

Basically, he's throwing a tantrum if he doesn't get what he wants. You can hand on heart tell him that smoking fucks up sexual performance. I used to have this with my ex and drink. It's a well sung refrain of " if you don't .... then I could ..." He's making you responfible for things he doesn't want to change.

This is only going to get worse, not better and there's absolutely NOTHING you can do. Been there, got the t shirt.

Do what YOU want to do. It'll be wrong but whatever you do will be wrong. The next time he's in a strop, sling him outside with a packet of fags. He'll only act up with things you don't like. And that's the best way of stopping him smoking. He'll think of something else but show that you don't care.

BTW you only don't want sex with him. Someone else will make you change your mind.