DH grumpy all weekend if I don't give him sex

[maggh]

There's a clear correlation.

He expects it every Friday night basically.

If I don't want to or say no, he's super grumpy all weekend. He doesn't talk much, moaps around, doesn't want to do anything, criticises stuff I've left undone at home. Just bad vibes all round.

I honestly wouldn't care if I never had sex again.

I only do it to avoid the moods, never because I want to.

Sometimes I say no, I'm tried or whatever and he just says he hates his life.

He also smokes and says if I ' gave him more sex ' he'd quit.

We have two kids under 5.

I'm feeling very resentful.

why does he get to say no to counselling? Tell him it’s happening else marriage is over

its good you’re able to speak so clearly about how you feel, here. I can understand someone sulking, which is how you’re description sounds, isn’t terribly attractive, nor is, from what you have written, what sounds like the negative energy, permeating the weekends, which can’t be fun. Sex, touch, sensuality is an important part of our lives, in whatever way we want that to be expressed - it doesn’t have to involve or conclude in intercourse. A few questions that maybe interesting to ask yourself: what do you want to change, specifically, and how can you discuss this with your partner? how are you feeling in your relationship, generally? Do you feel connected, can you laugh, flirt, cuddle, be intimate together generally? Do you have fun togther, alone, without east of family? How are you feeling generally? My view is, we all get on each others nerves and it’s perfectly normal to despise and want to kill out other halves from time to time - I think! Sex doesn’t have to be the be all and end all, but it is for some people extremely important, and lack of sex can trigger feelings of lack of desire, connection, love. I’d see if your partner and you can sit down and have a bit of a chat, choose a time that feels right for you, when you’re not tired etc, when you both aren’t hungry too. This conversation may take a few run ups/ try’s to get under the skin of what you both are feeling, needing. Good luck and I hope you’re able to talk this out.

The relationship sounds over because he has given you the ick with his coercive control and sulking.
It gives you insight into his true nature. It would put anyone off sex.

A decent man would respect your wishes, treat you well, talk about your feelings and his own without the need for sulk.This in turn may leave you in the mood for intimacy.

You can’t change an entitled man. Especially one who smokes to punish you ! Furthermore you can’t talk rationally with someone like that because he sees his needs as more important than yours. You will always be made to feel at fault.

I've had a few long term relationships and the real sexual spark, never lasted that long. I just thought it was normal to feel that way after a while.

I've heard other people say otherwise, but assumed it was BS because I've never experienced it.

I also never misrepresented myself before we got married. We both knew the score about everything. We were together 8 years before marriage and lived together for 4 years too.

I always just hoped it would change for me or I could just get on with it as I thought he was right for me.

Now all this time later, his moods just really put me off him. His personality is pretty downcast. I first thought it was just a transient thing, but it's just him. He's not a very sunny person. He's not spontaneous or joyful. He doesn't trust people, always cautious. I throw myself at stuff and I am open and want to have a full life.

We are basically pretty different people. I feel like he's always clipping my wings and enthusiasm for life and making me feel stupid and a bit like a teenager.

He's not fun. He's so unhappy and won't do anything about it. And he says he's unhappy, basically because of me and if only I gave him sex, he'd be happier.

Whereas I think I would be happier to actually be intimate with him, if he was just more up for doing stuff together and wasn't always so downcast and annoyed with me / the kids. Every time we go out, he can't wait to come home again. It bugs me. I wish he was just a bit kinder to me as well. He's just not. I don't feel like he even likes me, apart from providing a hole. He doesn't even care it's me. It's just because I'm there. He's also really tried to go all out with whips and ball gags and that kind of stuff and it's just a bit much, for someone who didn't really even want to do it in the first place.

Go to counselling by yourself as this is not normal.

You don't want a divorce and your husband isn't willing make any changes by the sounds of it so you start getting to the bottom of what you're going to do.

His smoking is a red herring regarding your sexual desire. It is a symptom of the wider disregard he has for you and your family.

Sexual coercion is unacceptable, it's not an act of love, it's rape.

That's a very immature, unhelpful and untrue comment.

I think you need to go to therapy. Ideally together and definitely on your own.

But honestly you cannot expect someone to be happy and remain in a sexless marriage.

Either the relationship will end, he will cheat or you open the relationship up. Something needs to change though.

As you mentioned both being Catholic I would suggest a novena to St Rita. She is a great help for marriages.
For a lot of men sex is a way to feel close to their wife. Is this the case for your DH. Have you asked him?
It’s also maybe worth thinking about maybe there are some hormonal issues going on- that you don’t feel desire. But you do find your DH handsome. Or is it that you are just knackend and need a break?
Sex for Catholic couples is really important- the act of intercourse is a source of grace in the marriage. And it should ideally be good sex!
I hope you can both find a way forward.

What would you tell your daughter to do?

This is coercive control and I am happy to be corrected but I don't believe this is something that can be "fixed".

I'm sorry for you that your life and sex life have been reduced to this to the point that you would be happy never having sex again.

He is not a good person.

It’s not for OP,alone, to fix.
It’s very much to do with his behaviour too.

Being pressured into sex is very much a turn off.
He needs to improve and look after OP more.

I think I would tell her do leave. Life is too short.

Someone up thread said he doesn't sound like he'd be trying to give me pleasure and would be selfish.

He's not actually like that. But I just don't want to let go. I don't want to enjoy it. I just can't enjoy it. It's like he'd win if I enjoyed it.

How fucked up is that ?

I need a shrink.

Nothing as sexy as a sulky man.

point out to him he’s a massive turn off when he moans.

Hi I just read this response from you. You sound very clear - you want a full life, you’re trying to do things, lead an interesting life and he from what you have read does t sound interested. In turn, he sounds like he’s craving exploration, sexually and that’s where his imagination, desire may be focused. But right now, you are both not on the same page and are experiencing frustration, resentment and dissatisfaction with each other. Definately find time to talk to each other and possibly guided counseling may help- however, if you do take the counseling route I’d advise do a lot of research into the kinds of counselling, the Counsellor themselves - and feel free to stop and switch counselors. Relationship counseling is very very hard to be good at - it’s hard managing two people’s emotions and you need a very skilled, experienced therapist. Both your and his desires are allowed to exist - I really hope you’re able to talk together, good luck again.

Tell him quite bluntly to emotionally put pressure on you as far as I’m concerned is a form of abuse. Who wants sex just because you feel like you have to so your not treading on egg shells during the weekend. You need a sit down conversation at the table and get him to view it from an outside perspective he might then be shocked about his own behaviour. Aka tell him to imagine him being you, or anyone in a marriage who is made to feel like they must have sex even if they don’t want to otherwise you get treated like shit. Even better if you have a daughter ask him how he would feel if a future husband treated her like that, what advice would he give her?

Your body has shut down, because it’s experiencing SA as a result of being coerced. “Consent” when coerced, isn’t consent.

I’m gonna get utterly flamed here but here goes- it’s a very difficult position and whilst yes I agree with all the posters that say you can’t be forced/coerced/blackmailed into sex there is dh feelings too. You aren’t fussed about sex, he is, he would like sex and he would like it with you. If he was to cheat he would be labelled a total pig and you would I assume be devastated. So is is consigned to none because you won’t and cheating is the wrong thing? Do you want to stay married? If tables were turned posters would say it’s not fair he’s not satisfying you! Can you compromise on every other Friday? I too have two under 5 so tiredness is real!

But he doesn't get none.

I do it. I occasionally say I'm tired or whatever and then I live with that consequence.

But he does get sex.

Common sense prevails, phew!

some like sex more than others. I'm 76 and miss it still. Couples need to talk and be honest. Don't get married if you can't communicate.😥

Ugh Friday night sex. God at the end of the week thankfully we were both too knackered by work and children.

Sounds like we have a resentful man here 🤣🤣

Of course you don't want to have sex with a grumpy bastard who doesn't respect you! He's like too many men - they just don't understand that if they were actually pleasant and loving to be around, your libido might not have shut up shop. I'd get rid if you can. You will just be stuck in this situation, and it won't ever go anywhere because he won't listen to you, while putting all of the blame on you.