DH grumpy all weekend if I don't give him sex

[maggh]

There's a clear correlation.

He expects it every Friday night basically.

If I don't want to or say no, he's super grumpy all weekend. He doesn't talk much, moaps around, doesn't want to do anything, criticises stuff I've left undone at home. Just bad vibes all round.

I honestly wouldn't care if I never had sex again.

I only do it to avoid the moods, never because I want to.

Sometimes I say no, I'm tried or whatever and he just says he hates his life.

He also smokes and says if I ' gave him more sex ' he'd quit.

We have two kids under 5.

I'm feeling very resentful.

Plenty of women are sexually coercive too. And it’s every bit as wrong.

Don’t continue suffering, and don’t allow your children to suffer. He’s revealed himself as he really is.

"Don't be acting like you're the victim and he's the problem" doesn't sound right when you read OP's other posts where she says she feels her husband essentially treats like a hole for sex.

I'm not sure if you read OP's other posts before making a harsh and unhelpful comment like that, but she said: " I don't feel like he even likes me, apart from providing a hole. He doesn't even care it's me. It's just because I'm there."

You're assuming she would want to find a boyfriend. She could stay single. Many women are very happy single. If you don't like sex, it's stay single or find a man who is also asexual. They do exist. However, since they are rare, singledom is the most likely outcome.

Thankfully, marital rape was made illegal, which means rapists no longer have a get-out-of-jail-free card simply because they married their victim.

So he's a shit father as well as a shit husband then. You really should leave.

@Godnotthisagain In another post OP has already stated that her husband is not willing to see a marital therapist to discuss the issue.

I would suggest reading her updates before using words like "victim", they provide further details on her husband, including how is he is as a spouse and a parent.

Why is incel type bullshit in this thread?
If you're not here to help the OP, why are you here?

This isn't just about sex. If you'd read the thread you know he treats her like crap, which is probably why she doesn't want sex.

@maggh no I’m not trying to bring you down even more , I’m just suprised at how many people in this situation hope it gets better when they already see some red flags , bringing another baby into the world hoping it will fix things has never been a good decision for anyone . You saw some red flags in him before the second baby so now you just have to live with this . Actually you don’t have to live like this anymore , you can move out today if you really wanted to . I just don’t understand why you won’t move away from him ? Like you said , he won’t go , so could you go instead ? In the meantime tell him it’s over so you won’t have to give him sex anymore until you ready to move away . Hopefully he will move out himself and that would be even easier for you .

@XChrome he loves them but he just can't be bothered to do those things with them.

He often says he finds it hard that he's now a ' grown up '. I think that sort of hits the nail on its head really.

I think he struggles with the responsibility and that he's just not a kid anymore and there aren't any excuses when you're essentially a grown up and navigate your life.

He's been super molly coddled as a child and teenager and young adult if you ask me. His mum was an utter slave to him. He just never learnt that it's not all about him and his comforts. I feel like that's all he thinks about. Well I'm tired, I shouldn't have to put up with this. He doesn't think oh but my wife is enjoying this OR my kids are having fun.

I take the kids away from him a lot, hoping that by the time I come back- he'll be in a better mood for having had the day to himself or whatever - but it never works. That's what I do, I do stuff to try and make him less grumpy all the time and it doesn't help. Case in point the sex thing. I do it for a bit of peace, for half a smile, for a trip shopping and dinner out with the kids. But I don't feel like he ever thinks ' oh this would make her happy '. ' I'll give HER a break. No never ever had he said, you go and have fun, you deserve it. Never. Not even on his thought process. Or, you have a lie in today- I'll sort the kids in the morning. I let him have a lie in both days at the weekend, again, to try and get him to have rest, so he's not as moody with me. I never get a lie in. I've not slept past 7 since I had my oldest, 4 years ago.

Last week I had a play date for my eldest and he was grumpy he had to look after the youngest and made me take him too.

He doesn't leave because you are doing the adulting for him- taking care of the kids and the house. He wants the trappings of family life so he looks like a family man from the outside, but he doesn't want to put in any effort. If he was single, he'd be expected to have custody time with the kids and actually parent. He'd have to do all his own housework. He doesn't want that, so you are useful to him. What he'll do instead of leaving is cheat.

Your marriage is AWFUL but you won't consider leaving. What do you think is going to happen?

Sorry I know you're trying to help, but I still don't think it's helpful to point that out.

Some people really do think people change and relationships change. So we make decisions based on that. I hoped that I could get to the bottom of my issues around sex before we got married. I've had quite a bit of counselling as I've also got a history of males doing some really fucked up stuff to me while I was drunk / then filming it and black mailing me with it ( I have no recollection of those events ). I've got big issues, I know I do and I thought that I could get to the bottom of that one day. I also don't have very good female role models and come from an abusive home. I didn't have the right ideas going into it to even be able to make the right decisions to find the Mr Perfect everyone on Mumsnet seems to find.

I thought we love each other, he's not abusive, he's from a good family, looks good, we get on well, it's worked for 8 years- why should I not marry him ? The sex thing we can work on and I hope I will change. His messiness I thought would sort itself out with kids. He always used to say it himself too. 'I'll need to change when we have kids '. I also assumed that women do all the child care because that's all I've known really. I had no idea how hard it was going to be in reality AT all and how I would resent him for it. NO idea.

Yes it’s very clear that he is super grumpy and unhelpful ! Urggg , so lazy man ! I think councelling is a great idea but I think this relationship is long gone past saving . I don’t think you can go from basically hating some one to loving them again , it’s long gone , time to face the truth and go seperate ways im afraid . For you it would be wonderful , for him not so much . So if you want to start living again , and being happy , you need to make the first move to say it’s over . The quicker you do that the quicker you’ll be happier and free of a man child .

@Ilovebees I also never brought another baby into this to try and fix anything whatsoever.

I had another baby because I wanted to have snigger baby. But I had NO idea how hard that was going to be.

After baby 1 it was not easy, but baby 2 killed me.

Relentless nights alone and then dealing with a toddler the next day. It was really really tough and like I said, I suffered from depression.

@maggh can I ask is there a reason you won’t tell him it’s over today ? Would this be possible ? Or is there a reason you’re delaying this conversation ? Or are you hoping it will work out some day ?

I don't want to upset him. It would really hurt me to see him upset. So I must love him then ?

I really feel for you OP. I can see how it's all crept up on you, that's totally understandable and not your fault. I guess the question is what do you do now it's got this bad? I guess that must be so hard when you are burdened with dealing with everything a family needs. Is there any way to get some breathing space and think about things or talk over with a friend or counsellor? Get signed off work for a bit, or family step in and take the kids and you go away by yourself for a weekend, or even (god forbid) husband takes the kids for a day? It sounds really hard to think about it all under these conditions and must be so distressing. Hope you can get support.

Yes this is very complicated and sad situation but I guess it’s either save him from being upset or save yourself from years and years of hurt to come . This is the choice unfortunalty , that’s just life . Sometime we have to do things that we hate to do but it ends up being the best decision in the long run . I don’t think should start loving him again just because you don’t want to leave him and be upset , because I don’t think it’s possible to love a man like him anymore . He’s depressing and bringing negatives vibes into your life .

Question.

Why do you love him?

Really? Why?

What does he do that makes you love him?

Because everything you've written here points to a person undeserving of your time. Every day, week, month and year you stay with this man, you're swapping the time you have on earth for him.. if you got shot tomorrow and pay on your death bed, do you think you'd be glad you exchanged the time you got for a life with him? Or do you think you'd regret it?
Sure, you have kids.. but.. is that the total of the positive impact on your life?

Be honest.

@maggh you deserve so much better and so do your kids ! You deserve someone who takes half the share in everything including house work and kids stuff . Not fair on you to do it all at all . Supportive partner would 100% take on half of the chores so that his wife would be content and happy , but obviously your husband doesn’t give a damn about you or your feelings . It’s just an easy life for him because he sees you as a slave . Like why would he leave 🤷

have You read the 5 love languages? Sounds cheesy but I do think there is some merit in how individuals express love. What would make him more attractive to you? With 2 young kids keeping the romance alive is flippin difficult. Maybe couples therapy? Amy chance your lack of desire is perimenopause? Or is he just revolting? He’s giving me the ick.

I was in a marriage exactly the same as this right down to the sex expectation on a Friday. In fact the details you provided made me think I must have posted this in my sleep 😱

It's horrendous, the dark atmosphere that descends because you're viewed as a machine that provides goods/services and not a person.

So if you don't provide sex, you deserve to be treated like shit. After all, no one asks a washing machine if it's happy when it breaks down.

I took it for many years, the dread when I realised that he'd expect sex as it'd been a week since he last had any. But in that week there had been no affection, no love or attention or doing his fair share of domestic tasks, so of course I would rather dig out my eyes with a spoon than touch him.

But if I didn't, I would be punished. I'd get the silent treatment all weekend, the atmosphere would be toxic and I would end up capitulating just so the kids wouldn't be exposed to it.

But
I after 14 years of marriage I got out. I'm free. I was so scared to be a single mum but after I kicked his nasty sex pest arse out, I realised that I was doing it on my own anyway. The only fucking thing the loser did was cut the grass and wash my car once in a blue moon, and you know what I do that now too 🤣 it's no big deal.

You might not be able to leave right now, it took me 7 years once it became clear that he thought he had me trapped with the two kids so the mask entirely dropped.

Of course with hindsight, there were signs but i was young and in love. Don't feel bad or beat yourself up for being in this position, you are not the one who pretended to be a decent person.

Plan your escape, confide in someone in real life what it's like to be treated like a glorified wank sock. I didn't just do it for me, I did it for my daughter so that she could see that you don't have to take this kind of treatment. Take care.

You need to remind him of "enthusiastic consent"!

You should never be making yourself have sex to please someone else. He's VILE.

Love languages are only relevant where there is mutual love. This guy isn't loving to OP at all.