DH grumpy all weekend if I don't give him sex

[maggh]

There's a clear correlation.

He expects it every Friday night basically.

If I don't want to or say no, he's super grumpy all weekend. He doesn't talk much, moaps around, doesn't want to do anything, criticises stuff I've left undone at home. Just bad vibes all round.

I honestly wouldn't care if I never had sex again.

I only do it to avoid the moods, never because I want to.

Sometimes I say no, I'm tried or whatever and he just says he hates his life.

He also smokes and says if I ' gave him more sex ' he'd quit.

We have two kids under 5.

I'm feeling very resentful.

And yet you choose to say and have sex with someone you fecking hate…..more fool you OP

Sounds like sex is the least of your worries.
You hate your husband, of course you don’t want to shag him.

I see so many dads with their families at my gym at the weekend, taking their kids to activities and just being present with their kids.

He came once and said he's never coming back to spend time in this hell hole with ' those losers '.

Why the fuck not ? We go to a big gym with soft play / swimming / kids activities. My kids love it. He could get involved but of course I have to drag them there alone, as usual. He just won't do anything.

He basically won't do stuff that's ' just for kids '. He despises it. On the rare occasion we go to a playground, they get 5 minutes - he just stands there hating every second and then rushes us away as quickly as possible.

Everything we do is like this. I just want my kids to have fun and I want to have fun with my kids too. He just seems to have no patience and hates it.

I see so many dads with their kids OUT and about, enjoying their families.

I have to beg for him to come and do stuff with us. He's happy to sleep in and let me go by myself. He's never taken the kids anywhere by himself.

OP, given your latest updates you have no choice but to end this marriage.

Sex is not the main issue here, as I’ve said many time now. You need to leave.

Bloody hell op he sounds horrible.

You and the kids deserve much more, start sorting yourself out and working out how to separate.

Imagine how much nicer your life will be without him in it.

Your relationship is done. You don't want to have sex with him because you don't like him. Have you read back some of your posts? Can't you see it?

It's time to sit down and have a serious talk. You can't go on like this and you and your children deserve better.

OP has lost interest in sex with all her partners quite quickly. This isn’t situational to her husband and having a young family. And it was OP who said she never wants sex again. Some people just aren’t very sexual and that’s ok. It’s wrong to suggest that lack of interest in sex is some psychological problem that needs fixing.

The problem is that her husband does want sex and this is going to keep on causing tensions in their relationship with them becoming more unhappy and more distant.

They stopped existing when marital rape was made illegal 🙄

It's not just the sex though , he sounds like a miserable grumpy uninvolved twat.
Your life with him sounds awful.
Was he like this before you had kids ?
I couldn't carry on with this marriage.

They stopped existing when marital rape was made illegal 🙄

Sounds like you'd be both be happier without each other. Reading through your updates quite clearly shows you're unhappy and deep down dislike your DH. I think you both need to have a serious talk before one of you starts looking for affection outside of the marriage. I assume you don't work when you say you do all the house work and your DH brings in the big paycheque? Do you think you'd both be happier with opening up the relationship? Something needs to change by sounds of it.

Wake up OP!

You're miserable, he is and eventually your kids will pick up on this shit, if they haven't already.

Ducks in row time now. This isn't a marriage it's misery and that is not normal!

Respectfully, why do you want to save this marriage?

He sounds awful. It sounds like you can't even stand each other. Don't stay together because of Catholicism and children. I get the feeling you might be Irish (I may be wrong), I know there's still a stigma over divorce, but it's not as bad as it used to be. I'm Northern Irish, I got divorced, my mum was devastated, but she got over it, although this was 20yrs ago! I know several others who have divorced in more recent years and honestly, no one bats an eyelid now.

Your children will pick up on the toxicity between you as they grow and it will be deeply unpleasant for them to grow up in that household.

I do understand that you don't want to give up on a marriage so easily, but really, from reading your comments, it sounds beyond saving. I also tore myself in shreds over ending my first marriage, my mother tried to convince me to put up with his physical abuse, but I just couldn't stand being near him any longer, so ended it. I've never regretted it.

My second marriage has had it's ups and downs, we've worked through everything and are solid. We were sexless for a time, but my husband was supportive while I worked through my MH. That's how a husband should behave. I know with my current husband we could work through most things, but honestly with my last husband, no way, he was awful.

Well this is pretty awful. I'm not surprised you don't want sex with someone who appears to dislike you, your children and your life together.
You could try having a "make or break" chat. Point out to him that he makes life very difficult for you by his constant unhappiness and disengagement and you're willing to put effort in if he does.
If he's really that unhappy, then he should go.

I agree with @MissUltraViolet . Just read back all your posts OP and you may see it's pretty dreadful,not just his coercive and entitled attitude to sex but everything about him. You haven't listed a single good thing about him except he's handsome. I don't really think that's enough, is it?

@maggh I don’t know what happened between you and your husband , when you first met you must of loved the bones off him to stay together and get married and have kids , what changed ? Did it change after having kids ? What was he like before kids ? Was he happy and jolly and positive back in the day ? Why did he have kids if he doesn’t want to be involved with them ? And you said you have 2 kids ? Did he change after the second baby or the first ? If it’s the first then why did you create another baby with a man knowing he’s so selfish and crap parent ?

The thing is, I'm past giving explanations why
I feel certain way/counselling to "enjoy sex".
Just past it.
That said, you are right.

At the beginning he seemed super happy / relaxed and up for life.

Then he started going downhill but I thought it was situational really.

It was up and down.

I kind of went into marriage thinking that looking after the kids would just be my role and I had no idea how resentful I would become. It's not that we agreed I wouldn't work, because I do. It's also not like we ever agreed that all child related things would be my job. But I just thought, that's what mums do, isn't it ?

I did refuse to do his laundry / tidy up after him before we got married and I would just leave it. We lived in quite a mess to be fair, but I knew we had to change once we had kids.

After the first child it wasn't as bad. It was Covid times and just a strange situation all around. I was resentful but not as much.

After number two everything just completely broke down and I feel like then everything became too much for me to take on my own with no help. I also had post natal depression and he didn't support me really to even try to understand it.

But you know what, I know your questions and why you're asking them. You're just trying to make me feel even worse. Like, how could you not see ? Why did you do this or that ? It does not work like that in my experience, people change, people don't see. People think that things will change between them as well. It's a pointless conversion unless you're trying to break me down even more. We decided to get married and have kids. That's the end of it really. Now we are where we are.

Well jog on OP …..if you want to lie in your made bed then do it

The relationship sounds totally done I’m afraid OP. You both really resent one another. He sounds like a total fun sponge & you would probably have more fun with the kids without him. It doesn’t sound like this is going to get any better.

@Kitkat1523 excuse me ? What do you mean by that ?

@maggh

You say 'let him be the one to leave if he's so unsatisfied'. But the truth is, men like 'home comfort', even above sex. They like a nice clean house, hot food, clean clothes, and the children tended. All by somebody else so all they have to do is make a token effort to 'contribute' to family life, like cutting the grass or changing a damned light bulb (such heroes they are!). You provide all the home comforts and he sees no need to give that up. For what? A flat somewhere that he has to clean, food he has to cook (or pay money for), laundry he has to do, and children he'll have to watch on his own during 'his time'. And chances are, not a whole lot more frequent sex than he has now. And it'd be sex he'd have to 'go after' and possibly invest time and money in (ie dating). So chances are he'll never leave. Or if he does, it'll be because he has some other woman all lined up. And only you know if he has the 'energy' for an affair or would even leave then. Some men are real good at leading double lives.

No, as I see it, if you want the marriage to end you'll have to be the one to do it. And why shouldn't you? What's the point of you living in misery just so you can hopefully someday say "He ended it, not me!". How foolish is that? When with some effort, time, and yes some stress and unhappiness for a while, you can be free. Picture your own little home, calm and peaceful, with you and the children. Your rules, your schedule, and peaceful nights of sleep without being pestered.

See a counselor (as previously suggested) to work out what YOU really want. But I'll tell you what I really wouldn't want if I were you, and that's the next 20, 30, or 40 years living the way you're living now. Life is too short for that.

You are where you are and nothing will change unless you make it happen or he meets someone else.

Do you want to try and make this better? If so, talk to him and have a mature conversation.

If not file for divorce.

Time to make a decision or stop complaining. But think about what example you are both setting your children.