DH grumpy all weekend if I don't give him sex

[maggh]

There's a clear correlation.

He expects it every Friday night basically.

If I don't want to or say no, he's super grumpy all weekend. He doesn't talk much, moaps around, doesn't want to do anything, criticises stuff I've left undone at home. Just bad vibes all round.

I honestly wouldn't care if I never had sex again.

I only do it to avoid the moods, never because I want to.

Sometimes I say no, I'm tried or whatever and he just says he hates his life.

He also smokes and says if I ' gave him more sex ' he'd quit.

We have two kids under 5.

I'm feeling very resentful.

We have. The only positives things I think I've seen you write about him is that he's handsome, you love him and it would make you upset to see him upset. But you have listed A LOT about what you dislike about him.

I'm not really sure what you're expecting from this thread.

Again @Godnotthisagain, how is LoveHoney going to make this man spend time with his kids? With his family? You think a few anal beads or whatever is going to make him suddenly give a fuck about spending his weekend taking his kids out?

Don't be utterly ridiculous. Counselling is a potentially solid solution as it will either help them mend their relationship or decide to end it, but OPs husband has said he won’t go. This is not about sex! Sex is a symptom of a bigger issue. Love Honey is not going to fix this.

It shows that you've never used it.
There are of course sections about the toys and stuff, but there is also a relationships section where people do regularly receive very wise advice on very personal , deep, issues from a community which really does seem to care, unlike the nest of vipers on this particular thread who all seem to be looking for a bit of sport hating on a man rather than trying to help!

Even by MN standards this thread plumbs a bit of a new low IMO.

The irony of you telling the OP that other people’s advice is awful whilst suggesting that a visit to the relationship pages of Love Honey will solve all her issues.

Read the thread properly. She wants to get counselling but her husband has said no. Love Honey will not fix this situation, no matter what relationship advice it hands out.

@maggh

You say you love him and I don't doubt you. But what you don't seem to realize are two things:

1-Love is not enough. You can love someone to distraction but that doesn't mean that they are right for you or that the relationship is a healthy one. When those things are true, you need to end the relationship regardless of the love you may feel at that time. You will end up a happier person in the end, and so will he.

2-Based on what you say about his upbringing, he is not capable of love. Or at least not a healthy and unselfish love. A healthy and unselfish love knows that it takes compromise and unselfishness. And healthy and unselfish love doesn't put oneself above the other, nor does it put the other above oneself. It means that you are equal partners in your life together.

DH and I have been married over 35 years. There have been good times and bad times. There have been times we've been frustrated and even angry with each other. But there has always been equality and communication with each other. There has always been compromise, made with love.

Can you say that? No? Then you are not in a healthy and good marriage. But I think you already know that. Don't sacrifice yourself. If you were to leave him tomorrow, trust me, he'll bounce back quickly.

You will get to that stage if things carry on as they are. Years of resentment and unfairness will build into hate. He's draining the life out of you, and he's being a shit husband and father. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. He knows damn well that his behaviour is making you unhappy and he refuses to do anything about it; rather he continues to compound the behaviour.

I'm not sure you do love him, more that you feel co-dependent on him. You have a lot of history and it's hard to walk away from that.

I don't think this man can be helped. He doesn't want to be helped.

That 'man hater' who insists she hates her husband (he's not wrong IMO) is a man.

Why the fuck not? I hate him and I’ve never met him.

seriously, you and your kids deserve so much better than this.

and with regards to your question about the kids not knowing what happens in your bedroom, of course they don’t know the details, but they can tell if you fancy each other (or even like each other). My wife and I are physically affectionate in front of the kids. We were out for dinner the other night and my daughter took a photo of my wife looking lovely and sent it to me because she knows I think her Mum is beautiful and she thought I’d like it. Kids know.

@maggh I could have written this post.
Your miserable life sounds exactly like mine. I lasted 4 years after the birth of our son and now I'm in the process of divorcing him.
Living with a man child doesn't improve.
Living with someone who participates the bear minimum in life doesn't change.
Now I'm choosing me, now I'm choosing the possibility of a happy future with my children and hopefully one day with a man who I deserve. A man who appreciates me and makes me want to have sex with him. Not one who makes it seem like yet another chore I have to add to my never ending list.

OP, you feel sorry for HIM?

Spare some sympathy for your children whom will be the real collateral damage in this toxic home.
The one thing that has shocked me to my core as I've aged, is the realisation of just how much children absorb, silently.

They don't have the words, nor a full understanding of what they have witnessed.
But as they grow into adults they do. They join so many dots and they grow to fully understand what they were silent witnessed to.
They bear the emotional scars of the adult relationships that they gorced to bear mute observer to.
The cost to them is real.
You sound like you have borne so much.
You deserve so much better, but so do your children.
Save your love for them alone.

Long term sex less marriage is not a trivial reason to end the relationship. Maybe to you it is but definitely not to me.

"But please please remember that you are 100% entitled to say no to sex and any decent man will accept that without question, guilt trip or sulking session!"

Whilst I obviously agree that everyone has autonomy over their own bodies and nobody should be bullied or coerced into sex, I don't think that you can just decide not to have sex in a marriage and that your partner should be "decent" and accept it. It's a primal urge that affects other emotions and denial from your life partner will lead to low moods, low self esteem and unhappiness.

It's horrible living in a sexless marriage, or one where sex is a chore. I think a physical relationship is a reasonable expectation in marriage unless very clearly defined and mutually agreed from the beginning. Obviously there are times (illness, post birth, bereavement, whatever) when one partner really doesn't want sex and that should absolutely be accepted but otherwise I don't think you can just say a blanket "no". Not if you wish to continue the marriage anyway.

lIt’s not a blanket ‘no’ when your husband treats you like crap, has checked out of family life, barely talks to you and is generally a dick though is it? Women don’t have to be treated badly and then perform. It’s a two way thing.

I must love him deep down. It breaks my heart that he'd be upset if I left.

I can't explain it. But that's why I can't leave.

I don’t think this is love it’s self-sabotage. Telling yourself it would break your heart if he was upset - no it wouldn’t. If living with a man who treats you like this doesn’t break your heart then nothing will. It’s a way of putting a block in front of your own happiness and your own needs.

What you don’t what to face is - not his feelings - but your own as a result of a failed marriage. And it is hard to face the failure of a dream, But I think you will surprise yourself in the relief and liberation you feel as a result.

I would end my (very happy) marriage if my husband told me he never wanted to have sex with me again.

The OP hasn't said that.

I didn’t say she said 🤷🏻‍♀️. It was part of an ongoing conversation about whether leaving for a lack of sex is a trivial reason to leave a marriage or not. Sometimes threads veer slightly from the OP, it’s normal on internet forums.

This is a person who is not here to help the OP, but to push a male apologist agenda. The "man-hater" accusation is a dead giveaway. No matter how vile the man treats the woman, these types try to convince women that "better communication" will solve it. Their posts are moronic.

The only posts plumbing the depths of irrationality are yours. You're trolling to create discord and to promote Lovehoney.

Just leave and be a single mum to two rather than three kids.

Ya reckon??? I'd never have got that...🙄

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom 🙄🙄🙄