DH grumpy all weekend if I don't give him sex

[maggh]

There's a clear correlation.

He expects it every Friday night basically.

If I don't want to or say no, he's super grumpy all weekend. He doesn't talk much, moaps around, doesn't want to do anything, criticises stuff I've left undone at home. Just bad vibes all round.

I honestly wouldn't care if I never had sex again.

I only do it to avoid the moods, never because I want to.

Sometimes I say no, I'm tried or whatever and he just says he hates his life.

He also smokes and says if I ' gave him more sex ' he'd quit.

We have two kids under 5.

I'm feeling very resentful.

I haven't read that.

What would make him more attractive to me ? I don't even need romance really.

Just a nice smile, seeing him happy would make him more attractive. Taking us out.

Waking up on a Saturday and him saying ' let's go here ! I have a great idea, we should do this ! I think we will all really enjoy it ! '.

Or him saying ' let's go out for lunch here '. Then just getting ready, help getting the kids ready and also give me time to get ready.

Usually I get the house ready , the kids ready whilst he gets ready ( he's very particular about his clothes and his look ). I always come last and have no time to get ready

Fxxking hell, he is absolutely vile.

A rapist who emotionally abuses his children and wife.
Despises his wife and children.
Avoids them whenever possible.

And he's a devoted Catholic 🙄. Non practicing Catholic here, but it doesn't surprise me. His type of Catholic more devoted to keeping their marriages intact for optics, but not actually giving a shit about treating their spouses decently.

OP, there are some good priests about, how about you reach out and tell your local one that your husband rapes you regularly and see what he says....you might be very surprised that he reccomends you go to the police.

What about your family and friends?
Can you tell them the truth?
Please contact Women's aid as they will set you straight that you are all being abused by a house terrorist.

I feel so sorry for you and your children.

He is a vile horror.

Another question popped into my mind is : if you ever left your husband and said it’s over , he would surely be very upset ,that’s for sure , but shouldn’t you be happy that he’s upset after all he put you through instead of being hurt seeing him upset ? Could this indicate that you do love him still deep inside to feel hurt to see him upset ? I know for sure that if my partner treated me like crap, I’d be laughing at him when I tell him it’s over ! And I woudnt give a damn how upset he would end up being after hurting me for years and years and never considered my feelings when we were together and he had a chance to be nice but didn’t .

@Ilovebees I must love him deep down. It breaks my heart that he'd be upset if I left.

I can't explain it. But that's why I can't leave.

@maggh so sorrry you’re in this complicated relationship 😢I don’t know what to say anymore other than you probably know what to do , but if you feel like you can’t leave him , then you also know how stressful your life is going to end up being years and years from now on x I wish you best of luck with whatever you decide to do though x at least you know your options and all these people on here have given you amazing advice too as an outsiders . Much love 😘

@Ilovebees thank you.

You have a lot to process, OP. The realisation of what is being done to you, and what your husband truly is, is huge, traumatic, and a great deal to take in. You likely won't even be able to comprehend it overnight.

You've taken the first important step in your realisation that something is badly wrong and in posting for advice and help.

I hope you are able to take steps to protect yourself at your own pace. The site will be there for you when you need it. 💐

@maggh oh one last thing I wanted to mention again is , can’t you take a short break from your husband , let’s say 2 weeks or a month being separated ? This would defenetly give you great amount of head space to think things through and make the right decisions? Maybe you could go and stay with your parents or relatives with the kids or better even if he would go ?
that would be easier . If your husband really wants to keep you , he would do it in a heartbeat if he knew that divorce would be the next step if he didn’t give you the space you’re so desperately needing right now ? Xx

If you do want to try to change things, have a look at how you two can reconnect and how he can reconnect with his family as a whole.
This can work as often difficulties arise through feeling disconnected.
The issue is that he has to grow up, take responsibility and put some effort into keeping a strong connection with his family.
So this will come in physical ways as well as verbal.
Things like hugs, kisses, play fighting, tickling, and other touch. Maybe a massage. Also things like little gifts, cups of tea and meals for each other and so on.
And then verbal is just talking to each other, listening, praising, validating and showing affection through words and actions.
Generally spending lots of quality time together.

If you're going to stay with this man and allow him to have sex without your enthusiastic consent, get.your kids out the situation at least.

They will grow up seeing the examples you set.
.boys thinking girls should fuck them even if they don't want to and girls thinking they have to fuck men when they don't want too.

These are not examples they should be exposed too.

And if I sound harsh and it's a shock that I'm pointing that out... Good, shock might be enought make you think about the situation the kids are living in.

Of course you love him, and of course you worry about how he would feel if you split. This is because you are a human being who feels empathy towards other humans.

He, however, does not feel the same way about you. Don't think that you need to find the right form of words to explain to him how this situation makes you feel, trust me HE KNOWS. He just doesn't care.

Even if you suggested separation he would suddenly start to pitch in more, he would make the effort to give you the affection that you need, everything would be light and airy... for about 3 weeks.

That's the kicker, he KNOWS what is making you unhappy and he KNOWS what he can do to address it, he just chooses not to. That took me a long time to accept because what kind of person treats the person that they supposedly love like that.

Eh how will they know what happens in our bedroom. That's a bit far fetched.

They may see other things, but not what happens in the bedroom.

If I actually could look into his head and know that he knows and know that he doesn't care, I would leave this minute and I would be so happy.

I just feel like he can't help himself. He's stressed he's tired. He's doing a lot, he works a lot etc. he feels rejected by me. Etc etc. that's why he acts like he does.

I always feel sorry for him.

But he doesn’t care about seeing you upset, does he? Otherwise he wouldn’t treat you like shit.

Also, my husband has been mega stressed. He has been insanely busy at work, exhausted, worried about his health, stressed. And he has still looked after his DC when he’s been home, cooked, and never once demanded sex from me.

All those things you listed are not excuses to treat you badly or neglect his kids. Other men do it. He can too. He is choosing not to because h doesn’t value his family.

How exactly can she get the kids out of this situation if she stays with this man ? What kick them out ? Obv kids stay where the mum stays . And how will a toddler and a 4 year old could possibly know happens behind the bedroom door , lol , they won’t . So it won’t affect them at all in that way , the only thing that will affect them is the negative vibe and moods around the adults , that’s for sure .

@WalksLikeACrab do you think he really knows ? Is it really that bad ? I am just sitting here doubting myself. Maybe I'm just being too much and too harsh.

I gaslight myself all the time. I think that's another reason I don't leave. Maybe it's just my perception of him and it's not really him. Maybe it's me ?

Maybe if you really saw our relationship, you'd also think I'm partly to blame ? Maybe if you knew his schedule or worked his schedule you'd also not want to go swimming with your family on a Sunday ?

the only thing that will affect them is the negative vibe and moods around the adults , that’s for sure

....

Kids don't stay small forever.
5 becomes 10 becomes 16

They will pick up on things, guarantee it

Go well OP.
The next 10 years are going to be hell.

Well. I retract my earlier post. You clearly actively hate him, there's no relationship to salvage.

What is his schedule?

And sorry, but unless he is working 24/7, I don’t agree. I have horrific insomnia. I’m exhausted constantly, I also work. I don’t neglect my son. My husband works long hours and is sometimes stressed, he doesn’t neglect his son.

It’s having kids. Yes you make time for each other to have a break, but you don’t get to opt out of spending time with your kids unless the circumstances are exceptional.

And frankly, if he’s got the energy for sex, he’s got the energy to dick around in a swimming pool with kids.

It all sounds like excuses and he has gaslit you into think it’s okay.

@Godnotthisagain Have you read the whole thread? Lovehoney isn’t going to make this man spend time with his kids, is it? Actually read the whole thread before you comment, or at least all of OPs comments. Her problems are bigger than just Friday night sex.

You think ? Did you read my other posts ? I do not hate my husband.