To not want MIL sleeping in our marital bed

[SparkleFly]

Bit of background here: MIL has always been rather inconsiderate of our privacy and used to constantly doorstep us without notice. She was asked repeatedly by DH to call first but it would fall on deaf ears and she just continued doing as she pleased. Many a romantic moment before kids was ruined by this...!! She also 'coincidentally' booked her holiday one year to the same place we were going on honeymoon, at the same time. Who does that?!

Anyway, in a few weeks we are due to go to my niece's wedding (no kids allowed) and as all of my family will be there, she has agreed to babysit our DS overnight. She regularly has her other son's kids stay over and has done for years, but has never had our DS who is now 4.

I mentioned to DH about the big sleepover weekend coming up soon and he replied that MIL wants to stay at our house to look after DS, as all his things, toys, etc are here. Now I do get that, but as we are taking our newborn to this wedding, we are selling the idea to the 4 year old DS as an adventure, a sleepover at nanny's like his cousins have. The other issue is that we no longer have a spare bed, so DH seems to think that she can sleep in our marital bed. This is a big no-no for me, especially given how much she has overstepped our privacy in the past this seems like the ultimate invasion. And just weird tbh.

So my 3 issues are:

1. The unfairness that BIL's kids get to sleep at hers all the time, go for dinner there regularly, yet our DS has never had this (BIL also lives nearby).
2. The thought of my MIL sleeping in the bed that we shag in, when she's already ruined our honeymoon and numerous amorous moments from persistently knocking the door unannounced.

She only lives a 10 minute walk down the road so it's not like she can't pop in to grab toys/clothes if needed as she has a key.

1. We are taking the newborn, so I don't want it to look like we have left DS in our house but taken his brother out of choice.

AIBU?

I wouldn’t be letting her sleep in my bed. Are you worried it’ll turn into an argument or she’ll refuse to babysit if you don’t let her sleep in your bed?

Sorry but YABU

She sounds like a piece of work but she's looking after your kid while you go to a wedding and it's probably a lot easier for her to be where the kids clothes, toys etc are.

Would you not be able to change the sheets for her so the bed js clean?

Sorry OP I don't think it's fair that you're upset she's asking to come to your home.

Can’t see what the drama is? My mum has slept in my bed……I’ve slept in my DDs bed when I’ve minded the kids 🤷‍♀️

I think as she is doing you a favour- and as long as sheets and bedding is changed before and afterwards- you kind of have to suck it up

It makes sense for DS to stay where he is most comfortable and you don’t have a spare bed so 🤷

The honeymoon issue is a separate issue that is clouding your judgement

It's just a bed, I really don't see the big deal.

Is it her sleeping in your bed, or is it that her bring in your bedroom means you think she might snoop/pry?

I can understand your reticence if she has form for not respecting your privacy. I'd not be worried about her sleeping in my bed particularly (clean sheets etc) but if she's nosy etc that would be why I wouldn't want it.

People are only going to argue the bed issue. Ick for some, not for others. But there are issues around that. Your child not being allowed at hers is the glaring one.

I'd see what she says when DH says, "oh DS was looking forward to a sleepover, just like his cousins, is that possible?"

If this is the hill you want to die on, you go right ahead @SparkleFly .

but I’d suggest you don’t also then expect her to do childcare while you’re away. You can’t have it both ways, silently punishing her with limits on things like beds, because you’re not prepared to confront deeper issues.

this all changes if you’re willing to speak to her (or better, get your DH to) in order to set boundaries.

You could tell her you've sold it to your DC that it will be an adventure staying with her, so would she mind doing it that way, DS is really looking forward to it, etc. If she still wants to stay at yours so be it. The bed no big deal for me, disappointing the child more so.

I'm interested in why she's never had your son sleep over ?

She sounds a real pain, but I wouldn’t fight this particular time. Change the sheets and change them again as soon as you get home!

She is doing you a favour, makes sense that your ds is in his own house, and where do you think she should sleep.

You have an issue with her but letting that get in the way of what's best for your ds. Your ds has never slept over and you think it's a bright idea to do that now, when you and dh aren't there? Think about that. What she's proposing isn't UR at all and you may be valid regarding the other issues but on this instance you are not putting your ds first.

Off the point but who says no kids at wedding but newborns are allowed? How weird. You should be able to take both kids, they're being really awkward there.

WHY do you think it's a smart idea to have your ds sleep over when he has never done that?

You can't dictate this.
Cousins stay because they're local and so have an easier relationship.
You can't compare apples and Oranges.

If You need her. So suck it up.

@Wills890 "babes in arms" is a very common caveat to otherwise child free weddings. Otherwise no nursing mothers would ever be able to.

We both live same distance from her. She sees DS all the time.

Exactly, I am breastfeeding. And I understand their reasons for no kids.

Then for whatever reason she finds her other grandchildren easier to host.
It may be she has a better relationship with the parents, that the children are better behaved or something else entirely.

Bottom line you need her to do this, unless your parents are willing to step up?

YABU, all of the info at the start is totally irrelevant to your MIL doing you a favour and minding your child.

Goodness' I have slept in my daughter and son in-laws bed when I've stayed over to babysit and so have her in-laws. We have never thought about it as weird in any way. If it is easier for her to care for your child at your house then you should let her. She is doing you a massive favour anyway.
There may be all sorts of reasons why her other grandchildren have stayed at her house but obviously she thinks it will be easier for her if she looks after your son at your house. If you don't like that perhaps your husband should stay home and you go to the wedding without him

I did. Any and all babysitters for said newborn were at the wedding. And I didn’t have room for ten more bums on seats.

Just hide your sex toys before she stays over.

YABU

The bed thing wouldn’t bother me but my DH feels same as you - he really dislikes the idea of anyone sleeping in our bed! I can understand more what you’re saying about your 4yo feeling left behind, although in reality they probably won’t feel that way and it’s probably just us mum’s over-thinking.