To not want MIL sleeping in our marital bed

[SparkleFly]

Bit of background here: MIL has always been rather inconsiderate of our privacy and used to constantly doorstep us without notice. She was asked repeatedly by DH to call first but it would fall on deaf ears and she just continued doing as she pleased. Many a romantic moment before kids was ruined by this...!! She also 'coincidentally' booked her holiday one year to the same place we were going on honeymoon, at the same time. Who does that?!

Anyway, in a few weeks we are due to go to my niece's wedding (no kids allowed) and as all of my family will be there, she has agreed to babysit our DS overnight. She regularly has her other son's kids stay over and has done for years, but has never had our DS who is now 4.

I mentioned to DH about the big sleepover weekend coming up soon and he replied that MIL wants to stay at our house to look after DS, as all his things, toys, etc are here. Now I do get that, but as we are taking our newborn to this wedding, we are selling the idea to the 4 year old DS as an adventure, a sleepover at nanny's like his cousins have. The other issue is that we no longer have a spare bed, so DH seems to think that she can sleep in our marital bed. This is a big no-no for me, especially given how much she has overstepped our privacy in the past this seems like the ultimate invasion. And just weird tbh.

So my 3 issues are:

1. The unfairness that BIL's kids get to sleep at hers all the time, go for dinner there regularly, yet our DS has never had this (BIL also lives nearby).
2. The thought of my MIL sleeping in the bed that we shag in, when she's already ruined our honeymoon and numerous amorous moments from persistently knocking the door unannounced.

She only lives a 10 minute walk down the road so it's not like she can't pop in to grab toys/clothes if needed as she has a key.

1. We are taking the newborn, so I don't want it to look like we have left DS in our house but taken his brother out of choice.

AIBU?

And she can't have independent relationship with the small child without the parents.

So if OPs behaviour affects MIL (right or wrong) then that affects her realtionship with the child.

She absolutely can have favourites and neutur those relationships that bring the most to her.

I hate people sleeping in my bed, it’s my little sanctuary, and would be feeling similar to you, especially as you’re not keen on her.
YANBU

Its got bothing to do with the OP, the DH is the son, he can easily facilitate.....or is that deemed to be wife work?

I hope you don't have adult DC and favour one set of GC over the other.

This is why so many DC are LC with their parents or inlaws.

Not particularly seeing the issue with the bed (change the sheets, move anything 'personal' out of the room temporarily..?) but could you say to her that DS is really excited about the idea of a sleepover at hers and please could this be the arrangement?

Tough shit. The realtionship you get is made from what you put in.

MN is massive on no relationship with the child without a relationship with the parent but don't like it when the reverse works.

I've absolutely avoided children because I don't like their parents and don't want to interact with them.
OP can't ask for a favour and then apply demands.

So she wants to go to the wedding but doesn't like MIL. So she better find another babysitter then.

if you don’t want her staying in your bed then go make some other arrangements 🤷‍♀️
she’s doing you a favour at the end of the day so unfortunately it’s going to be on her terms.
Her going to your place makes more sense as all your Ds stuff is there as well, so you do sound pretty stroppy right now. Maybe she didn’t or doesn’t fully respect boundaries, and that’s probably annoying but you can’t pick and choose when you want interaction or not!!

She's 10 mins away. Could she babysit 4 year old at yours with all the toys, and then take him to hers for bedtime? He obv would feel like his getting a sleepover? I mean she could even take him in his pj's and a little rucksack to make it special for him. I'm not even judging about that bed, that's your choice.

This sounds like a pain in the butt. I wouldn’t ever imagine asking my paid babysitter to do something like this! Nor would I want to drag my sleepy 4 year old out of a house in his pjs to go sleep in another house ….

Sorry if this has already been discussed, but I’m confused about the honeymoon thing. Did she actually go to the same place as you and meet you whilst you were on your honeymoon?

It's not a paid babysitter, it's her MIL house.

We have a spare room but had to let our dog sitters sleep in our bed because our dog won’t settle downstairs if someone isn’t in our bedroom at night. It’s only on MN that you realise normal things are blown out of all proportion. I just put on clean bedding for them and changed it when I got back. I don’t know why but ‘marital bed’ is making me laugh. It’s probably nothing to do with the bed and more to do with OP’s dislike of her MIL. I wouldn’t be asking favours from someone I couldn’t stand.

Yes I get that but what I was trying to point out is that it’s a massive pain in the behind to do that and a huge imposition when she’s already doing Op a huge favour

Just tell husband to ask his mum to stick to the original plan as ur son is excited to go stat with Gran, if she persists there's nothing u can do.

I don't get this doorstopping issue, my family visit each other all the time unannounced. We've never had to ask if we can stop by.

I don’t think the honeymoon aspect of this story is believable. Who would let their mother or MIL join them on honeymoon?!
surely letting her sleep in your bed whilst babysitting is nothing compared to this!

To put it simply ... no

When I used to babysit my GCs overnight, I always slept in DD/SIL’s bed, as it had an en-suite.

It wasn't looked on as some sort of holy shrine. It was a bed.🙄

Frankly, my bed is just a blooming bed,not a fucking marital bed. I like things simple, if I decided to call it a marital bed I would need to call half of the house on the same way like the marital shower, the marital bed, the marital countertop or even the marital kitchen table so no, I am sooo not naming stuff after their alternative uses, no.

Having said that, I wouldn’t feel comfortable living leaving MIL alone in my house as I am 300% sure she will have a good nosey around but… beggars can’t be choosers and overnight babysitters are as rare as chicken teeth.

booked her holiday one year to the same place we were going on honeymoon, at the same time. Who does that?!

only a nutcase, but it can't be bothering you too much if you are happy to ask her to babysit. I wouldn't.

The unfairness that BIL's kids get to sleep at hers all the time
too bad? i am afraid you can't control that. She's happy to do you a favour, your child is only 4 so very little still. Plenty time to increase the babysitting and contacts.

The “marital bed” thing is ridiculous, I sympathize because I know it’s easy to be a bit ridiculous about some things especially when you’ve been having to bite your tongue over other things.

I do get your annoyance about the disparity in treatment with BiL’s kids and that you’ve been selling it to DS as an adventure and now he may feel left out rather than catered for. You could try something along the lines of “Oh but DS has been so excited about the chance to sleep at your house like his cousins get to.”

But she’s doing you a huge favour and you don’t have the power here so letting this get to you will just spoil your day, it won’t bother her.

I understand to a degree where you are coming from OP, so here's a practical suggestion. Buy a new mattress protector or find a blanket. Put it on the bed over your usual mattress protector.

When she's left, either chuck it in the washing machine, send it to charity or chuck it out. That gives you a degree of physical and mental separation from her sleeping there.

Don't see what the issue is as long as bedding is changed. I had my ex sleep in my bed once when my mum was dieing. Ex stayed with DC because we thought she would die that night.

Buy your DH rude underwear, a leaflet about Viagra or vulgar ingrown hair male impotence something... keep leaving it hanging around your marital bedroom.
Ask DH if he's still on board for his mum to have access to his private space.

I personally think your MIL is using your son to exploit her opportunity to invade your marital space because she's not doing the same for her other grandchildren.

How did she act when the BIL went on honeymoon? What an awful thing to do.

Hi OP, I get where you're coming from. Your MIL sleeping in your marital bed (irrespective of clean sheets etc) seems like a further invasion on your marriage. Her previous actions ie going to same place as where you were on honeymoon demonstrates lack of appreciation of boundaries on her part so staying in your bed would be the ultimate intrusion for you, I get that. Also, MIL lives in equal local distance from your BIL and frequently has their children over. You are going to a wedding and taking your new baby; you presented your son with the opportunity to stay at his GM's house as a treat which I fully understand. Why can't he stay there? MIL needs to come up with a valid response. PJs, books and a couple of sets of toys is no biggie to transfer to her house. Good luck and enjoy the wedding

Exactly. The whole 'safe space' is so weird to me