To not want MIL sleeping in our marital bed

[SparkleFly]

Bit of background here: MIL has always been rather inconsiderate of our privacy and used to constantly doorstep us without notice. She was asked repeatedly by DH to call first but it would fall on deaf ears and she just continued doing as she pleased. Many a romantic moment before kids was ruined by this...!! She also 'coincidentally' booked her holiday one year to the same place we were going on honeymoon, at the same time. Who does that?!

Anyway, in a few weeks we are due to go to my niece's wedding (no kids allowed) and as all of my family will be there, she has agreed to babysit our DS overnight. She regularly has her other son's kids stay over and has done for years, but has never had our DS who is now 4.

I mentioned to DH about the big sleepover weekend coming up soon and he replied that MIL wants to stay at our house to look after DS, as all his things, toys, etc are here. Now I do get that, but as we are taking our newborn to this wedding, we are selling the idea to the 4 year old DS as an adventure, a sleepover at nanny's like his cousins have. The other issue is that we no longer have a spare bed, so DH seems to think that she can sleep in our marital bed. This is a big no-no for me, especially given how much she has overstepped our privacy in the past this seems like the ultimate invasion. And just weird tbh.

So my 3 issues are:

1. The unfairness that BIL's kids get to sleep at hers all the time, go for dinner there regularly, yet our DS has never had this (BIL also lives nearby).
2. The thought of my MIL sleeping in the bed that we shag in, when she's already ruined our honeymoon and numerous amorous moments from persistently knocking the door unannounced.

She only lives a 10 minute walk down the road so it's not like she can't pop in to grab toys/clothes if needed as she has a key.

1. We are taking the newborn, so I don't want it to look like we have left DS in our house but taken his brother out of choice.

AIBU?

This!You really don't come across very well OP.

YABU
its just a bed!

I get where you're coming from! Did she do the same to her golden child on his honeymoon? That's beyond insane. I'd ask your DS Infront of her if he wants to stay at hers or have her stay at yours tbh but only if you can tolerate her staying at yours.

That would he a hard no from me. Neither my parents or in-laws have set foot in my bedroom and I wouldn't dream of setting foot in my son/DIL's.

DH needs to tell his Mum that babysitting is at her house and if you have time, get your locks changed, she doesn't need a key.

She’s doing you a favour, change the sheets. I have total sympathy for your back story but I wouldn’t dig my heels in over this.

If she has zero regard for your privacy and drops in unannounced what the heck is she doing with a key to your house? No, I wouldn’t like someone else staying in my bed. It would give me the ick. Like using another family members toothbrush, just wouldn’t. I’d say you have no spare bedroom and DS will have to sleep at yours, he’s never had a sleepover at nanny’s like his cousins. Be firm. I wouldn’t want her near my house whilst away either.

Be firm?
She's the one doing them a favour.
So they can be as firm as they want but at the end of the day they have nothing she really wants.
While she can be firm with them and say I sleep over or I don't babysit.

Same in our family too, I sometimes stay in my DS's house for a week looking after the GC and use their bed at their invitation. My DD expects me to do this too if babysitting overnight.

Yes, an overnight nanny is 100 from 10-8am where I am, and then the usual hourly rate either side of those hours so this wedding would cost OP a fortune. I’d much rather have a relative than a stranger in my house overnight with my child too..

You know in many societies and throught the existence if humans - MILs were treated with respect and offered the mist comfortable bed.

are you equally grossed out that every hotel bed tou sleep in has been shagged on by everyone, culture etc etc

She's wants a huge nose around your house OP.

It depends on whether it's the hill you want to die on. Tell her the bairns been looking forward to sleeping at nannies.

Or leave kids at home with husband and you go let your hair down.

In my opinion YANBU. Once my parents in law were coming over for Christmas Eve (half hour drive) and my MIL claimed it would be too difficult for FIL to drive back home. My husband thought they could sleep in our bed (first floor) and we would take the guestroom (second floor) as MIL didn't do stairs well. I resolved the problem by having them picked up AND taken back home by taxi. I really didn't want them in our bed! They only washed once a week (max) and at the sink!

Not weird at all. New borns need to breastfeed and need their mums. 4 year olds are more likely to be able to be left.

YABU if you don’t want the MIL situation to play out so she’s happy to look after your DC then you need to find someone else to look after your DC maybe their terms would be more acceptable.

When I started reading this I was picturing the problem was your MIL sleeping in your bed while you were both in it 🤣

I think I'd be just telling her that DS is looking forward to staying at Nanny's and that she'll have a four year old in permanent meltdown if she doesn't do that. Don't give her a key to your house. You'll find she's redecorated or something when you get back!

Tell DS that he can only have what he takes to Nanny's and pack together. Treat forgotten items as if she lived miles away.

Explain to DH that a) his son will never forgive him if he doesn't get the sleepover and b) his mother will go through everything.

One of my landlady’s used to turn her double mattress over and then make the bed if she let her own room while away for a month or two. It made her feel her bed was still hers, unsullied by others and wouldn’t have any strange smells, if someone pored a drink that stains it wouldn’t annoy her ever time she changed the sheets. She’d flip the mattress back over on her return and feel like she could shut down in her own bed no worries.
Just may help you feel okay with it.
I know I’d probably do that in your shoes as similar to you I feel the bedroom is a place of sanctity, and privacy and we need our safe place in this crazy fast paced world that is life.
a bedroom can be the next best place of relaxation when a holiday is too expensive or exhausting to organise if your a mum 24/7 🍸

Sympathies OP, my MIL gives me the ick too. She’s nosey and judgemental. She also smokes (not inside, but the smell sort of clings straight after), which I hate. Thankfully we have a spare room for when she visits.

I wouldn’t give up my bed to anyone but our DC. It’s a private space.

YABU, not to mention ridiculous. She is doing you a favour, you can't dictate the terms. Honestly if I were your MIL and you came out with this nonsense I would be suggesting you organise alternative childcare.

I'm so pleased I don't have children after reading all the MIL threads on here, most of which are dramas over nothing. As for all this rubbish about MARITAL beds and sanctuaries 🙄

'Marital bed'? How old are you! We live by the coast and offer my house as a holiday home whenever I go away on holiday and so family stay in my bed all the time.

Whole thread is nonsense. I don't believe for a minute that she " also 'coincidentally' booked her holiday one year to the same place we were going on honeymoon, at the same time."

Sure she did.

YABU.

Friends of ours apologised for not inviting our DDs to their wedding. When they had added up how many children they would have had to invite if they invited whole families, it came to well over 20 children. That would have been more than 20 friends that couldn't be invited so they restricted it to children of immediate family only. I was quite happy to have a child free evening.

YABU
Be thankful you have someone to mind your child.