To not want MIL sleeping in our marital bed

[SparkleFly]

Bit of background here: MIL has always been rather inconsiderate of our privacy and used to constantly doorstep us without notice. She was asked repeatedly by DH to call first but it would fall on deaf ears and she just continued doing as she pleased. Many a romantic moment before kids was ruined by this...!! She also 'coincidentally' booked her holiday one year to the same place we were going on honeymoon, at the same time. Who does that?!

Anyway, in a few weeks we are due to go to my niece's wedding (no kids allowed) and as all of my family will be there, she has agreed to babysit our DS overnight. She regularly has her other son's kids stay over and has done for years, but has never had our DS who is now 4.

I mentioned to DH about the big sleepover weekend coming up soon and he replied that MIL wants to stay at our house to look after DS, as all his things, toys, etc are here. Now I do get that, but as we are taking our newborn to this wedding, we are selling the idea to the 4 year old DS as an adventure, a sleepover at nanny's like his cousins have. The other issue is that we no longer have a spare bed, so DH seems to think that she can sleep in our marital bed. This is a big no-no for me, especially given how much she has overstepped our privacy in the past this seems like the ultimate invasion. And just weird tbh.

So my 3 issues are:

1. The unfairness that BIL's kids get to sleep at hers all the time, go for dinner there regularly, yet our DS has never had this (BIL also lives nearby).
2. The thought of my MIL sleeping in the bed that we shag in, when she's already ruined our honeymoon and numerous amorous moments from persistently knocking the door unannounced.

She only lives a 10 minute walk down the road so it's not like she can't pop in to grab toys/clothes if needed as she has a key.

1. We are taking the newborn, so I don't want it to look like we have left DS in our house but taken his brother out of choice.

AIBU?

Marital bed. Give over.

Change the bedding before and after she stays.

How old are the cousins who have sleepovers though?

I think you're letting previous issues cloud your judgement, it's really not that big of a deal. Both my parents and IL have slept in our bed 🤷‍♀️

Thought this was going to be an extreme co-sleeping thread where most folk would be saying ‘yeah, age 35 ds is probably a bit much to still be sharing a bed with mum’ but there’d be one or two extolling the virtues of how everyone slept better and it meant that ds never had to cry it out…

YABU. If your son has not spent a night away from you before it makes sense that the first time should be at home, then at MIL’s if it’s a success. And on the bed thing, also unreasonable. Have you never stayed in a hotel where strangers have slept in the same bed? MIL sleeping in you bed is a non issue for me.

I think you are being completely rediculous to not just let her sleep in your bed and even more rediculous to still call it the "marital bed" as if it's the 1940s

Eh? My PILs slept in my bed a couple of weeks ago when had a gathering at our house. If you don't like her then you don't, but your reasonings are ridiculous.

She stays 10 mins away so is local to both adult children.

Tbh I'd be firing this back to DH in the way you've said about it being an adventure.

After the wedding I'd be encouraging dh to speak about the "favouritism" between the grandchildren.

YABVU

She is doing you a favour! If she finds it easier to stay at yours, let him stay up till 10pm, feed him chocolate ice cream, it's a one off! You suck it up graciously and say thank you very much.

As for the bed...very bizarre. Have you never stayed in a hotel?

And what can he say?
Why does she have to be fair when OP clearly doesn't like her?

I really don't get the big deal about any of it.

It's just a bed, clean sheets.
Your son will be equally as happy to have her stay at his, and it is easier.

Yeah, not getting the bed issue, tbh. I often sleep at my DD's to babysit if they're away and sleep in the "marital bed". Never been a problem.

Didn't crash their honeymoon though!

My MIL is a massive over-stepper too - she's been through our bedside cabinets before 'cleaning' before our first baby was born - she went through my things I stored in DH bedroom wardrobe when at uni, she took my quilt and washed it, took pleasure in telling my how
Filthy it was ... she LOVES telling people they're filthy
For me I'd worry she'd take all of the sheets off and inspect the mattress etc which is ick... not keen on anyone in my room these days as I'm so fed up with her prying so I'm with you

... perhaps you can tell her it wouldn't be fair to ask her to sleep on a camp bed .. better still get your DH to tell her that

I don’t think you can have it both ways! If she’s good enough to look after your child overnight then she’s good enough to be able to stay in your room. Just change the sheets before and after she comes.

Also, 4 is young to stay away from home overnight without his parents. He’ll probably be more settled without you if he’s in his own bed and home.

Why did you quote the whole OP?

I don't get the 'eughh she can't sleep in our bed' at all. Seems totally bizarre.

We sleep in beds in hotels all the time. Which have likely been shagged on in all manner of ways. Not to mention people with hygiene issues or nits or infectious viruses or whatever.

We have two family members that babysit our dc (max time was for 4 days). They always come to ours and sleep in our bed because it really is so much easier for the dc to have all their usual stuff there. And of COURSE they sleep in our bed, we could hardly say 'thank you so much for the favour but please ignore the comfy, empty King Size bed upstairs and hunker down on the sofa' 😂

Just change the sheets after she's gone. The bed won't care or remember.

I was replying to her original post and her original point..not sure what the issue is?

Why do BIL's kids sleep over?

Who suggests it?

Why do you want your son to sleep over?

Because they do?

Does he even want to?

I don’t think you can have it both ways! If she’s good enough to look after your child overnight then she’s good enough to be able to stay in your room.

I agree with that.

Honestly if I had doubts I'd go without my husband, especially if the rest of my family would be there.

Yabu. She's doing you a favour, she gets to choose the terms. It's also a bit off that you're on here slagging her off, and yet very happy for her to do you a favour. Your thing about the marital bed is strange too, I'm not sure why that matters. She was very strange re the honeymoon though.

It’s just a bed. 🙄

YANBU, I would be grossed out

She sounds a bit annoying but in this case it's just a bed. Yabvvvvu to imply she's getting some sort of weird enjoyment out of/getting off on the idea of sleeping where you have had sex. When she's in fact doing you an extremely kind favour babysitting your child.

@SparkleFly Why has your DS never stayed at grandmas? If they live the same distance as you, why are the other GC "always" at your MIL, but not your DS? Is this your choice or hers?
Because if it is your choice, then Im afraid youve made a rod for your own back in this instance...

But can’t you just… change the sheets?