To not want MIL sleeping in our marital bed

[SparkleFly]

Bit of background here: MIL has always been rather inconsiderate of our privacy and used to constantly doorstep us without notice. She was asked repeatedly by DH to call first but it would fall on deaf ears and she just continued doing as she pleased. Many a romantic moment before kids was ruined by this...!! She also 'coincidentally' booked her holiday one year to the same place we were going on honeymoon, at the same time. Who does that?!

Anyway, in a few weeks we are due to go to my niece's wedding (no kids allowed) and as all of my family will be there, she has agreed to babysit our DS overnight. She regularly has her other son's kids stay over and has done for years, but has never had our DS who is now 4.

I mentioned to DH about the big sleepover weekend coming up soon and he replied that MIL wants to stay at our house to look after DS, as all his things, toys, etc are here. Now I do get that, but as we are taking our newborn to this wedding, we are selling the idea to the 4 year old DS as an adventure, a sleepover at nanny's like his cousins have. The other issue is that we no longer have a spare bed, so DH seems to think that she can sleep in our marital bed. This is a big no-no for me, especially given how much she has overstepped our privacy in the past this seems like the ultimate invasion. And just weird tbh.

So my 3 issues are:

1. The unfairness that BIL's kids get to sleep at hers all the time, go for dinner there regularly, yet our DS has never had this (BIL also lives nearby).
2. The thought of my MIL sleeping in the bed that we shag in, when she's already ruined our honeymoon and numerous amorous moments from persistently knocking the door unannounced.

She only lives a 10 minute walk down the road so it's not like she can't pop in to grab toys/clothes if needed as she has a key.

1. We are taking the newborn, so I don't want it to look like we have left DS in our house but taken his brother out of choice.

AIBU?

This

When we go away and my mum looks after the kids she does exactly this, stays here so everything is familiar to them and sleeps in our bed. It works really well!
I really laughed at ‘the bed we shag in’ OP, as long as you’re not doing it while MILs lay next to you I cannot see the issue at all 🤣 change the sheets before you leave and change again as soon as you’re back!

So don't go to the wedding and stay at home . . .

And when MIL walks out the house without DS OP can have her lovely bed instead of having to sleep in a disgusting contaminated hotel bed when she misses the wedding.

It’s also because OP doesn’t like her and she’s repeatedly intruded and overstepped boundaries. She’s got the ick, she is cringing at the thought of MIL in her bedroom

Your priority should be that you are confident that your DS is safe and being well cared for, and I’d be happier with my DC being in their own home which has been set up for them in terms of their needs and safety and that they feel comfortable in, especially as your DC has never spent time in MIL’s house without you. MIL probably feels the same.

Be grateful that you have childcare to enable you to go off and do what you want, MIL doesn’t have to do it, and make her as comfortable as possible (which will not be in an airbed!).

She’s doing you a favour. Such entitlement!

I can't help it. I'm absolutely pissing myself about calling it the marital bed. I'm definitely going to have to start using this phrase. 'Honey, can you help me get the sheets back on the marital bed.' He won't know what I'm talking about!

Also, my in-laws have stayed in our 'marital bed' I just made sure I hid my vibrator good and proper!

Quite - if I was the MIL, I'd be like, you know what, I'm not free to babysit!

I cannot get over the honeymoon!!!

What I'm saying is the OP can take all the advice about being hostile, uncooperative and ridiculous over her bed but understand that she's the one with her hand out.
Yes, MIL could have the child at her house.
She doesn't want to. She doesn't have to.
So OP needs to decide what she wants more.

MIL to stay out of her bed, or to go to the wedding.
Because if someone I was doing a favour for did one of these I'd walk out the house laughing.

She doesn't like her yet likes her enough to use her..

Even if you were constantly overstepping boundaries, I would expect nothing less.

Mil just wants to be the one in control or go snooping. Did you miss the bit about honeymoon etc? If she can have her other GC on sleepovers, why can't she have the Ops?

If you loathe someone that much, why would they do anything for you? Her past behaviour might have been poor, but this is petty re the bed. As someone else said, it is not a holy site.

The MIL sounds ghastly, but it's just a bed and she's doing you a favour. And, obviously, the rule is always that the best bed is offered to guests - we always give up ours, so loads of people have slept in it!

Yes - looking that way

I think it's an either/or situation to be honest.

I wouldn't want her in my bed, but she's doing you a favour by babysitting overnight and having your 4 yo for a weekend. I think either you accept she will be staying over - and it IS much easier to have him in your house, in his own bed with own clothes/toys around - or you send aplogies to the niece with the child free wedding to say, 'We've a 4 yo and no child care. Have a lovely day'.

I think if someone is babysitting for a weekend you don't get to dictate the terms, unfortunately. You take (or leave) what is on offer.

Well yeah that’s right, obviously the only reason this conversation is in play is because she’s offering to look after her grandchild

Yes she's saying she'll watch them at their house.

I think the bed is a red herring tbh. Christ my kids know exactly what drawers not to go into in my room, my MIL is fab and I'd trust her in my house but she'd probably drop dead if she went snooping.

Yes that’s right

So many replies I'm struggling to read them all but I get the general gist.

She has been having the other grandkids over for years now, they are now 8 and 9. Maybe you could be right that DS is a bit too young for her to be comfortable with him at hers, although she did tell me the other week that he was asking her when he could have a sleepover at hers...

BIL's kids aren't the best behaved, they don't really have boundaries at home. I wonder if she prefers that though as then she knows she doesn't have to bother putting any in place either (ie no tooth brushing, going to bed when they like, eating rubbish instead of healthy food). On the very few occasions she has watched DS for us, she has said he was ever so good and no trouble. Tbh BIL doesn't have his shit together but is definitely the golden child and gets away with murder, whereas we have our shit together and very rarely ask for help. But majority of the time when we have asked her, she finds an excuse not to help, or turns her head the other way and changes the subject. It's odd and awkward.

Marital bed! Yes it does sound very old fashioned now you mention it 😅 I wouldn't have issue with anyone else sleeping in our bed tbh, it's just her as she has overstepped he mark with privacy in our relationship so many times, I feel like sleeping in our bedroom tops it.

And yes, she listened to us talk about where we were going on honeymoon, then 2 weeks later told us what a coincidence it was that her and her friends had gone and booked the same place. I was horrified but as we hadn't been together for so long back then felt I couldn't say anything (plus it was already done at that point). Once we got there she messaged immediately asking to take us out for a meal which I know ppl will slate me for having a problem with but it was our honeymoon!!! I just wanted my new husband to myself, especially with her door stepping us all the time at home! In the end I compromised and agreed to meet her for a drink but I felt like we weren't alone the whole holiday, and like she could pop up at any moment.

The honeymoon thing is awful!

You can’t understand that some people have had experiences, that mean they need a safe space?

What I don’t know can’t hurt me!