Was I rude..? And what to do next?

[BassPlayerWanted]

For clarity, I don't think I was but I also don't feel comfortable about the situation two days later so I'm just looking for other perspectives.

I do an activity. The 'outing hobby I'm not going to name' 😉. There are four of us - me and three men. I'm close to two of the men. The other, I regard as a bit of a dick but he really wanted to be part of it and so I relented - that was my first mistake...

He has a partner of 3 years. Their relationship can be best described as something out of a 70s sitcom. It's all a bit she 'nags' him for being a bit useless; he responds pipe down woman. That type of thing.

Anyway, other people's relationships aren't my concern (but it's relevant) , so I'll get to the point.

The four of us met up for the activity this week. He entered the room criticising his partner in a 'lighthearted' way - she'd nearly kicked him out this week but it's OK because, "now she's back on her tablets now so she's happy again." 🙄 (this is also relevant).

So he'd already irritated me by this comment. Her medication is none of our business, neither is their shitty relationship and telling us she nearly kicked him out and framing it as a 'her' issue pissed me off. I made a comment to show I thought it was inappropriate but didn't challenge further (because not my business) and he left it.

Towards the end of the evening, I tried to say, "I'm going to be full on at work for the next few weeks so I won't be available," and to propose the next steps in lieu of that. That was it. I started to speak. The first two men looked at me to listen, he started fiddling with stuff, not listening to me and not paying attention and making noise it was impossible to be heard over. Both of the other men told him I was speaking and to stop what he was doing and listen but he carried on.

Anyway (I'll get to the actual point now!), I ended up raising my voice (over the noise so not shouting/angry but probably sounded frustrated because I was) to say, "John! (Not his name), can you listen?" I'd waited for a moment of quiet and started speaking 3 or 4 times by that point.

He turned to me and said, "Ooh, shall I get you one of Sue's (not her name) happy pills? Will that help?" With a 😁😁😁

At that point, I'd had enough of him and just saw red. So I turned to him and said, "John. Just fuck off." He replied with the usual it was 'just a joke'. I said it wasn't and that Sue might be ok with him making shitty sexist comments to her but he wasn't speaking to me like that. I packed away my stuff and walked out the room and went home. I can't remember the last time I felt that angry!

The thing is, I actually think I did do the right thing in standing up for myself but I don't think i've ever told anyone to fuck off in my life! And I just feel a bit weird/awkward about it... probably because he's likely even more convinced I need one of Sue's happy pills now! 🙄

I'm just not really sure what to do next.I didn't raise my voice and what I've recounted here is as accurate as it can be without cctv footage to refer to 👍🏻

YABU - you were rude. You should have laughed along - it was just a joke

YANBU - He's lucky that's all you said and he's twat. Get rid.

Maybe she has told him though. Im not saying she hasn’t.
My point is… it’s good that he’s heard it from someone else too!

Honestly, some people will find fault with anything. I think it's just sport.

I'm also sure she can stand up for herself - I imagine she'll have had plenty of practice!

But we're also told that until men hold other men to account for their behaviour nothing will change.

Can't have it both ways!

Sue had told him not to share her private medical information with people. He shouldn't have needed telling!

Yet it was the first thing he said when he got into the room. I didn't know she had told him at that point but I don't feel comfortable having someone's medical information being shared with me when it's done to take the piss out of them and they're not present - we didn't need to know and its disrespectful. He wasn't seeking solidarity or support. He thought it was funny.

Oh fair enough, that makes sense then.

I haven’t a clue what you are on about

I know, but that doesn't make what I said any less true. It also doesn't stop your burblings from being quite unintentionally funny, albeit depressing in a way. God, the self importance and lack of self awareness on you lot.

You did the right thing op!

Soo intrigued to know what the hobby/training is!

Are you in a band?

🤣🤣🤣

Try reading the thread.

You can click on "see all" at bottom right of the OP's first post to read all their posts. It always amazes me how few people seem to have the wit to do this then persist in asking inane questions that have already been answered.

Every single thread. Every single time.

@GenericWoman no. I can't. Why such a bitch?

I was being facetious because I think your argument is simplistic and you don’t seem to understand that people are allowed to disagree with your diatribe about what sexism looks like and there can’t be any other interpretation! You sound very young.

I know exactly what you think. I know more about you than you realise. I can even make a good guess at what you look like, I've met you so many times. You aren't unique, you aren't revelatory, you aren't impressive, you aren't new. We run up against you guys a zillion times a day and every single time you think we haven't seen you before and the joke is actually on us and we are defeated by your intellect or alternative perspective (God that's a good one) or something.

On the one hand it's repetitive, predictable and somewhat depressing. On the other, it is kind of funny watching you lot chuntering away and blabbering the same old sexist nonsense and thinking the show is new and unsettling. It passes for comedy.

Yes, I hear you, I hear you, women should support other women says very supportive woman…

cough cough

Ew… He’s a grubby little man isn’t he? I really don’t see him continuing to fiddle away on his geetar if one of the menz was speaking. We don’t like John. John is a cunt. And despite having all the fancy toys, it doesn’t sound like he’s that fabulous either. I say that with all the confidence of someone who has spent many many years hanging around with the musicians. (I’m a professional singer - degree an’ all.)

You definitely did the right thing standing up for yourself. I think you were quite calm in your reaction not to have raised your voice. When are you all next due to meet? See what John's like at the next meeting. He may have had time to think about what he said & apologise for his comments. If he doesn't then it's up to you how you want to go forward with the group & whether you want him included or not. You could have a quiet word with him explaining how his comments made you feel & that if he wants to carry on being part of the group he needs to change how he is & respect the others in the group. If he sees no wrong in what he said & tries to pass it off as a joke tell him it's not funny & that you'd prefer him to find another group where his humour is welcomed.

@MadameMassiveSalad MadameMassiveSalad · Yesterday 21:41
no. I can't. Why such a bitch?

That's a bit much. You are the one using offensive derogoratory language exclusively directed at women not me.

I wasn't being bitchy. I was making a perfectly fair point that happens on every thread.

Thanks.

We don't have a date for meeting next. It's going to be another 2 or 3 weeks anyway because of my work commitments.

Having reflected on the whole thing for a few days, in my head, he's got one chance really. I don't really feel inclined to speak to him about it again. Firstly because I have mentally drawn a line under that particular incident. And secondly because I don't have anything new to say. I'd just be rehashing what I said in more words.

I don't think I need to make it into a 'me' problem by telling him how what he said made me feel because that puts the onus on me having a problem with it rather than him having been in the wrong. And I don't think he has the capacity to comprehend it anyway.

My work is always busy at this time of year - which results in very long working days, competing deadlines, a heavy work load and a fair amount of stress. He made dick comments about it last year when I turned down an invitation to something because I just didn't have the time/mental capacity for it (which I'd forgotten about tbh!) I pulled him up on I then when he laughed and told me to stop being over sensitive and he was just joking 🙄

His partner is OK with him saying the sort of things he does. He irritates her but it's not a deal breaker for her in the way it would be for me.

So I'm not going to say anything more but I've spoken to the others. They think one chance to show he's capable of improving musically and, if not, he's out. Any further misogyny and he's out.

Thanks for all the feedback.

You sound ageist.

I can only think how I would feel as a female in that situation, and he is definitely my interpretation of pondlife. I've told people to fuck off when they deserved it (only a minority). Sounds like he deserved that at least.