Was I rude..? And what to do next?

[BassPlayerWanted]

For clarity, I don't think I was but I also don't feel comfortable about the situation two days later so I'm just looking for other perspectives.

I do an activity. The 'outing hobby I'm not going to name' 😉. There are four of us - me and three men. I'm close to two of the men. The other, I regard as a bit of a dick but he really wanted to be part of it and so I relented - that was my first mistake...

He has a partner of 3 years. Their relationship can be best described as something out of a 70s sitcom. It's all a bit she 'nags' him for being a bit useless; he responds pipe down woman. That type of thing.

Anyway, other people's relationships aren't my concern (but it's relevant) , so I'll get to the point.

The four of us met up for the activity this week. He entered the room criticising his partner in a 'lighthearted' way - she'd nearly kicked him out this week but it's OK because, "now she's back on her tablets now so she's happy again." 🙄 (this is also relevant).

So he'd already irritated me by this comment. Her medication is none of our business, neither is their shitty relationship and telling us she nearly kicked him out and framing it as a 'her' issue pissed me off. I made a comment to show I thought it was inappropriate but didn't challenge further (because not my business) and he left it.

Towards the end of the evening, I tried to say, "I'm going to be full on at work for the next few weeks so I won't be available," and to propose the next steps in lieu of that. That was it. I started to speak. The first two men looked at me to listen, he started fiddling with stuff, not listening to me and not paying attention and making noise it was impossible to be heard over. Both of the other men told him I was speaking and to stop what he was doing and listen but he carried on.

Anyway (I'll get to the actual point now!), I ended up raising my voice (over the noise so not shouting/angry but probably sounded frustrated because I was) to say, "John! (Not his name), can you listen?" I'd waited for a moment of quiet and started speaking 3 or 4 times by that point.

He turned to me and said, "Ooh, shall I get you one of Sue's (not her name) happy pills? Will that help?" With a 😁😁😁

At that point, I'd had enough of him and just saw red. So I turned to him and said, "John. Just fuck off." He replied with the usual it was 'just a joke'. I said it wasn't and that Sue might be ok with him making shitty sexist comments to her but he wasn't speaking to me like that. I packed away my stuff and walked out the room and went home. I can't remember the last time I felt that angry!

The thing is, I actually think I did do the right thing in standing up for myself but I don't think i've ever told anyone to fuck off in my life! And I just feel a bit weird/awkward about it... probably because he's likely even more convinced I need one of Sue's happy pills now! 🙄

I'm just not really sure what to do next.I didn't raise my voice and what I've recounted here is as accurate as it can be without cctv footage to refer to 👍🏻

YABU - you were rude. You should have laughed along - it was just a joke

YANBU - He's lucky that's all you said and he's twat. Get rid.

Totally agree with this.
Sounds as though having his behaviour challenged was long overdue.

I hate John too.

Be prepared for him to apologise and how you want to move forward with that. I really feel that men like this think they're good guys, they're harmless, they're just having a laugh and he'll think he's the bigger person by apologising while still thinking you're being a silly dramatic little woman. When we all know he's a knob

Is the hobby ok to continue without John? I'd have a real hard think before continuing to any paid commitments whether you really want him involved. It's only going to get harder to get rid as things become more formal

Katrinawaves

It's a band. The two men I'm close to and I all used to play in a band together. We're all good musicians. We've been saying for a while that we should start something together. I was the one who got the ball rolling.

John plays the guitar but only ever has done at home on his own and he really wanted to join so we brought him on as rhythm guitar. We don't actually need a rhythm guitarist. If he left, it wouldn't be the end of the world. If any of the three of us left, we would need replacing.

It's quite normal that, if one person can't attend practice, you let the others know because without an integral part of the band there, a practice isn't much use. It would be like an orchestra practising without the entire violin section. So we don't practice if someone is unavailable. So they do need to know.

I was going to suggest we agreed on a few songs to work on because were very new so still at the learning/practising new songs stage. Which would be usual practice.

I doubt if one of theen had tried to impart this information, you'd consider him domineering and bossy? Just passing on useful information.

And, yes, when someone is strumming a guitar through an amp, it is impossible to hold a conversation.

He was making a loud noise while op was talking. He acted like a child and deserved to be chastised like one 🤷‍♀️ Interesting how you never hear of men being described as ‘bossy and domineering’.

‘It was just a joke’ is the battle cry of the dickhead.

Excellent work op. Well done.

Sounds completely fine. I’ve told plenty of people to fuck off in my life. He was being rude. You asserted yourself. Stop overthinking. The more important question is why do you feel the need to spend time with someone socially who is such a dickhead. Find someone more pleasant to do your hobby with.

Just realised, the numbers don't add up... for clarity. We're also now looking for a drummer because the one we'd got just didn't turn up without letting anyone know 🙄 which caused its own problems and is why its important to let someone know if you can't make it.

We're only a couple of practices in. It's very new!

I might be in the minority here but l would probably talk to John and say something like “ John l know you like to banter about your wife , but have you ever thought that other women hearing it might not find it that funny ? “ give him a chance to consider ..even apologise . If he is a dick in response then you know you need to distance him in every way !

God no just dump him.

Sometimes you've got to communicate with people in a style they understand.

You’ve never heard of a man being described as domineering? And would think it ok if a man chastised a woman like a child in similar circumstances?

You are seeing gender bias where none exists here.

I'm not sure it's the OP's job to 'educate' him

That's for his long-suffering wife to do if she can be arsed

He's 58 years old. I don't think he needs to be coddled in that way. If he doesn't get it by now, he never will.

Honestly, I’d cut him loose. He sounds insufferable and he’s not going to change. It’s not your job to remind him how to be a decent person / bandmate.

Yanbu, John sounds like a misogynist who needed to be told that the way he was behaving at that point (leaving the other poor behaviour aside) was absolutely not on. Good for you!

Have you read my detailed explanation of the situation?

Given everything I've explained above, what would you have done differently in those circumstances?

He needed to hear what I had to say and the others, who were listening, couldn't hear me either. He was being rude. It's very poor band etiquette to be playing when someone is speaking precisely because its very loud and no one else can hear what's being said.

Start off as you intended to go on. You’ve let John know his shitty behaviour won’t be tolerated. It’s up to the 3 of you if he stays or not. Nothing to apologise for.

As it's new I think it's a perfect time to write up a Code of Conduct for all current and new members of the group to follow. You would hope you wouldn't need this for adults in this day and age but clearly you do.

Well.....if his shitty relationship is no concern of yours why did you mention it to him saying she might put up with it but you won't? It's no concern of yours, remember?

He was rude not listening and you were rude telling him to fuck off.

Yes, drop him.

I do hope the Johns of this world are a dying breed. These men who are a mix of old school sexist pigs and think themselves a ‘bit of a character’. Every single one of these men need to be told to fuck off but they sadly won’t reflect on the reason they’ve crossed the line, it will always be because of a ‘overreacting’ woman.

i wouldn’t have raised my voice and said “John can you listen”. I would have raised my voice so that the other two could hear me and delivered the message that I wasnt available next week.

The catalyst for all this was you telling him off like a child because you were annoyed he wasn’t listening to you. I’m not saying he wasn’t being rude too - clearly he was - but in my opinion you escalated it unnecessarily. I doubt he’s stewing on it on the way you are. So if you can’t take the consequences of provoking an atmosphere, don’t do it in the first place!

Put of curiosity, what would you have said if he'd made that comment to you?

I've already said I'm happy with standing up to him but asked here for opinions so I'm happy to hear them!