Was I rude..? And what to do next?

[BassPlayerWanted]

For clarity, I don't think I was but I also don't feel comfortable about the situation two days later so I'm just looking for other perspectives.

I do an activity. The 'outing hobby I'm not going to name' 😉. There are four of us - me and three men. I'm close to two of the men. The other, I regard as a bit of a dick but he really wanted to be part of it and so I relented - that was my first mistake...

He has a partner of 3 years. Their relationship can be best described as something out of a 70s sitcom. It's all a bit she 'nags' him for being a bit useless; he responds pipe down woman. That type of thing.

Anyway, other people's relationships aren't my concern (but it's relevant) , so I'll get to the point.

The four of us met up for the activity this week. He entered the room criticising his partner in a 'lighthearted' way - she'd nearly kicked him out this week but it's OK because, "now she's back on her tablets now so she's happy again." 🙄 (this is also relevant).

So he'd already irritated me by this comment. Her medication is none of our business, neither is their shitty relationship and telling us she nearly kicked him out and framing it as a 'her' issue pissed me off. I made a comment to show I thought it was inappropriate but didn't challenge further (because not my business) and he left it.

Towards the end of the evening, I tried to say, "I'm going to be full on at work for the next few weeks so I won't be available," and to propose the next steps in lieu of that. That was it. I started to speak. The first two men looked at me to listen, he started fiddling with stuff, not listening to me and not paying attention and making noise it was impossible to be heard over. Both of the other men told him I was speaking and to stop what he was doing and listen but he carried on.

Anyway (I'll get to the actual point now!), I ended up raising my voice (over the noise so not shouting/angry but probably sounded frustrated because I was) to say, "John! (Not his name), can you listen?" I'd waited for a moment of quiet and started speaking 3 or 4 times by that point.

He turned to me and said, "Ooh, shall I get you one of Sue's (not her name) happy pills? Will that help?" With a 😁😁😁

At that point, I'd had enough of him and just saw red. So I turned to him and said, "John. Just fuck off." He replied with the usual it was 'just a joke'. I said it wasn't and that Sue might be ok with him making shitty sexist comments to her but he wasn't speaking to me like that. I packed away my stuff and walked out the room and went home. I can't remember the last time I felt that angry!

The thing is, I actually think I did do the right thing in standing up for myself but I don't think i've ever told anyone to fuck off in my life! And I just feel a bit weird/awkward about it... probably because he's likely even more convinced I need one of Sue's happy pills now! 🙄

I'm just not really sure what to do next.I didn't raise my voice and what I've recounted here is as accurate as it can be without cctv footage to refer to 👍🏻

YABU - you were rude. You should have laughed along - it was just a joke

YANBU - He's lucky that's all you said and he's twat. Get rid.

Anyone who uses the word "bossy" as a female is usually a raging misogynist in my experience and a bit thick as they don't get that gendered words to put down women are damaging. There is a word for a "bossy" man , it's a posItive one though - assertive.

Slight update, anyway. Spoken to one of the other men this morning. He is happy to go with what I want to do.

I don't think John will do it again because he dismisses his partner as a 'silly woman' but if he tries that with me, he won't risk there being two other men who will back me up.

The man I've spoken has also spoken to the other man and they are in agreement with him not being up to it musically.

I've taken myself out of that side of it but they've suggested he needs 'mentoring' on band etiquette and on what his actual role is as rhythm guitarist privately.

If that doesn't work, I'll be quite happy to be the one to let him go.

Tbh, I don't think he'll last but the other men want to give him a chance musically.

I think lots of people are not used to standing up for themselves. I have never cared what anyone thinks and am comfortable not suffering fools gladly so wouldn't hesitate to speak up politely or not, but I know lots of friends who find this difficult.

You were right to stand up to him in the moment. I hope you are able to put it out of your mind soon - it is by speaking up more that it will start to feel less uncomfortable I think. Good luck.

He's already explained that he intended it as a joke. Apparently, his partner has spoken to him many times about these jokes.

He's just a dick.

YANBU. Poor old Sue. I bet she had a right good laugh as he regaled this one to her though!

I’m not happy with your latest message OP. If the others want to give him a chance, they can also be the one to let him go when the time comes. If they make you do it, it just plays into a rhetoric of you being “rude”. I think if you’re going to have him back, you need to distance yourself from getting rid of him else he’ll accuse you of singling him out. To be completely honest, I think that your other band players, aren’t as on your side as you think they are. They’re very much taking a middle ground here and trying to find compromise on both sides.

Tbf,I said I wanted to be the one to let him go if it came to it. I know the one man wouldn't like the confrontation but the other would be quite happy to do it.

He was very rude and disrespectful to both his partner and you.
He's a cheeky rude twat.
Your response was proportionate.

It can definitely feel weird when you push back hard when somis very rude, but lean into it.

Long term he is not a good fit. You are being more than forgiving to allow this continue. I would male it very clear to the other two men, 1 more strike and YOU are out.

Have a completely zero tolerance to him, be cool, even a little frosty.
He is a deeply rude disrespectful man and I wouldn't want him around me.

How he speaks about his partners business is disgusting.

See how things go, but IMO if you decide in the next few weeks you don't want to be around him, do NOT go against your gut.

Thanks. Yes, I'm aware of all this.

I've said it all.already to the one I'm closest to. He knows I mean it.

He's got two more practices as far as I'm concerned to show he's stepped up musically and one more strike and he's out on anything else.

We won't be going into gigs with him if he doesn't improve.

Well done for speaking up!

Personally I would just move on with the band without him. My husband has a friend like this and I have tried addressing it all types of ways. Politely explaining why it's not acceptable, making a sarcastic joke in return, being rude, flipping out, ignoring it etc... and none of it works. It's caused so many disagreements between me and my husband too, I just tend to avoid this friend now as it's not worth it and I don't enjoy his company.

nah, I'd want to do it and see his face when I did it.

I agree. I think you're going to get stuck with this guy in the band and then when you raise it again it'll look like you being the troublemaker and it will be you who goes.

I really think you should insist that it's not working out with him in it and that he needs to be let go now.

I agree

Poor Sue. I'm sure she really, really isn't OK with his shit comments but she doesn't know how to get away from him.

Invite Sue to your next gathering and tell John he isn't welcome.

Oh, and YADDDDDNBU.

I salute you for services to women everywhere

Ah, I see it's a band.

I would dump off John as dead wood and bring in Sue on the tambourine.

No, I won't be stuck with him.

I've made it clear now he's got one chance. Not to him because if he doesn't realise it that's on him!

But I've now spoken with both other men and they're on board with that. I'm in two minds about giving him a chance musically. I can see why they want to. So I'm happy to step back on that but, if he's not up to scratch soon, he'll be out from their perspectives as well as mine.

Tbh, I don't get it.

She's strong (mentally and physically), very capable and competent (she renovated her house almost single handedly), financially very secure. I actually can't see what he brings to her table beyond being able to say she isn't single! So maybe it's companionship. They've only been together for a couple of years.

Tbh, I was only so open with her about what he'd said and how I'd reacted to him in case it made her think, "This really isn't OK!"

The man I've spoken has also spoken to the other man and they are in agreement with him not being up to it musically

If they're right then that could explain - though certainly not excuse - a lot

IME rudeness and bluster often gets used to deflect from all sorts of inadequacy, and if his approach is to go this way rather than learning maybe it really would be better for everyone if he left?

Personally, I think it would be better for him to just go but they want to give him a chance. I've said he's got 2 practices to improve. They've agreed.

There no major rush at the moment, we're only 2 practices in and don't have a drummer because the one we found turned up to the first practice, wasn't very good, didn't turn up to this one without notice so we've already let him go.

But I've already made it clear that I'm not interested in carrying dead wood just to be nice. If he doesn't come up to scratch, he's out. If he makes a shitty comment about me or Sue again, he's out.

Well done Op!

If they're right then that could explain

They are right. They're in agreement with me not each other 😉

But they are only talking musically not about his attitude. Your issue is mainly with his attitude. He's not going to change who he is and it sounds like he's never really going to be a good fit with you. But the other guys are already prioritising him over you and that's not a good place to be. I'm really sorry Op but I am concerned that you will end up being booted out of this band or just being very uncomfortable while in it because twat face is going to continue being a twat face and the other guys actually don't care about that. That's why they are focusing on the music side. But what is important is his attitude and his fit in the band and I think you are being positioned to be the disposable one.

No. I won't be booted out. The band needs me, it doesn't need him. They just want to be supportive to him musically. I know that if I insisted he was out after what he said, they'd go along with that. He does have potential musically but he's got a steep learning curve ahead of him.

If it came down to a choice between me and him, they'd choose me without a doubt. That's not even a concern. And I'd walk away anyway if it came to that.

It would be easier for me to find another band than it would be for them to find another bass player.

And they do care about it but they're being led by me on it. The three of us are friends with an extensive history. He's just a guy two if us know.

And, tbh, I'd voiced my concerns about him musically before this. So that's an equal concern.

He's got 2 practices to get better and 1 chance to not be a dick.

YANBU. Tell us roughly where this happened so we can get to work on a blue plaque and/or statue.