Was I rude..? And what to do next?

[BassPlayerWanted]

For clarity, I don't think I was but I also don't feel comfortable about the situation two days later so I'm just looking for other perspectives.

I do an activity. The 'outing hobby I'm not going to name' 😉. There are four of us - me and three men. I'm close to two of the men. The other, I regard as a bit of a dick but he really wanted to be part of it and so I relented - that was my first mistake...

He has a partner of 3 years. Their relationship can be best described as something out of a 70s sitcom. It's all a bit she 'nags' him for being a bit useless; he responds pipe down woman. That type of thing.

Anyway, other people's relationships aren't my concern (but it's relevant) , so I'll get to the point.

The four of us met up for the activity this week. He entered the room criticising his partner in a 'lighthearted' way - she'd nearly kicked him out this week but it's OK because, "now she's back on her tablets now so she's happy again." 🙄 (this is also relevant).

So he'd already irritated me by this comment. Her medication is none of our business, neither is their shitty relationship and telling us she nearly kicked him out and framing it as a 'her' issue pissed me off. I made a comment to show I thought it was inappropriate but didn't challenge further (because not my business) and he left it.

Towards the end of the evening, I tried to say, "I'm going to be full on at work for the next few weeks so I won't be available," and to propose the next steps in lieu of that. That was it. I started to speak. The first two men looked at me to listen, he started fiddling with stuff, not listening to me and not paying attention and making noise it was impossible to be heard over. Both of the other men told him I was speaking and to stop what he was doing and listen but he carried on.

Anyway (I'll get to the actual point now!), I ended up raising my voice (over the noise so not shouting/angry but probably sounded frustrated because I was) to say, "John! (Not his name), can you listen?" I'd waited for a moment of quiet and started speaking 3 or 4 times by that point.

He turned to me and said, "Ooh, shall I get you one of Sue's (not her name) happy pills? Will that help?" With a 😁😁😁

At that point, I'd had enough of him and just saw red. So I turned to him and said, "John. Just fuck off." He replied with the usual it was 'just a joke'. I said it wasn't and that Sue might be ok with him making shitty sexist comments to her but he wasn't speaking to me like that. I packed away my stuff and walked out the room and went home. I can't remember the last time I felt that angry!

The thing is, I actually think I did do the right thing in standing up for myself but I don't think i've ever told anyone to fuck off in my life! And I just feel a bit weird/awkward about it... probably because he's likely even more convinced I need one of Sue's happy pills now! 🙄

I'm just not really sure what to do next.I didn't raise my voice and what I've recounted here is as accurate as it can be without cctv footage to refer to 👍🏻

YABU - you were rude. You should have laughed along - it was just a joke

YANBU - He's lucky that's all you said and he's twat. Get rid.

I think as women we are socialised from a young age to be polite, smooth things over, apologise etc. you did nothing wrong - but years of being female is making you second guess it. Get rid of him - no one wants that in their life!

Hell would freeze over before I apologised as there is nothing to apologise for. John needs to be kicked out of the group, immediately.

This thread is a breath of fresh air. Well done you!

The only reason I'd vote YABU is that you put up with him for so long!
Otherwise, very well done!

Actually your way of dealing with it is far more like treating a child than telling a rude grown man to fuck off. It sounds like John has had a lifetime of people (women) ‘durr men’ his behaviour, probably was quite a shock for him to be pulled up on it in this way. Even at 58 some people need to be told outright that their behaviour is unacceptable.

No, he needed a line drawn. What he said was completely out of line. I am surprised the other two guys didn’t say anything at that point however you might have been quicker off the mark. If it isn’t gelling with John then he needs to go - it will be shitty to play with a relationship like this in a band.

I don’t think you need to apologise to the other two for standing up for yourself.

John is about my age, and although I'm familiar with John's type, I honestly thought he sounded a good deal older with that kind of old school 'comedy' attitude to the missus. What a tedious wanker.

This is not a bad approach but I would swap out the 'women' with people.

You were absolutely fine.

I think maybe give him one chance 'John, you may not realise but comments such as XYZ about women are not considered funny these days. They are considered very sexist and won't be tolerated in this band, especially not as we are looking to play to paying customers. Your wife's medical details are private, especially. Also all members including women will be treated with respect which includes not being ignored when. Spoken to, ok?'

Let him have it. He can decide to take it or leave it. Not that you should take it from anyone but if it makes it easier, rhythm guitarists are ten a penny anyway.

Well.....if his shitty relationship is no concern of yours why did you mention it to him saying she might put up with it but you won't?
Probably because “He turned to me and said, "Ooh, shall I get you one of Sue's (not her name) happy pills? Will that help?" With a 😁😁😁” so he brought the relationship with his wife into the conversation about him not listening- it’s relevant.

The only thing you did wrong was stomping off. He was a rude prick and you stood your ground. Well done! But my stomping off it makes you look a bit stroppy rather than rightly standing up to him. Nothing wrong at all with what you said!

Well, hopefully you've now laid down a marker for what is acceptable behaviour and what is not! I wouldn't apologise or make any further comment, you've made your feelings quite clear, he will hopefully think more carefully about his 'jokey' comments in future!

I had raised my voice so the others could listen but I can't out volume a 500w amplifier! 🤣 so they still couldn't hear. And he needed to hear it too.

It wasn't just about not making it next week. Thee will be no practice without me next week. When we don't practice, we agree on what we're going to work on instead.

As I said, it's just poor band etiqiette and anyone who has played in any type of musical enemble knows its rude to play while someone is speaking. Just as it would be to carry in a private conversation in a meeting.

The other two men had already asked him to stop so they could hear me. Plus, they both have hearing loss and wear hearing aids (years of playing in bands!) so they had no chance of hearing me whilst he was blasting out chords. Though an amp. Loudly.

I had to raise my voice because he couldn't hear me otherwise.

Go you 💪. He was rude, not you. His poor wife must be miserable.

I'm also in a band that is also fairly new and I would say just ditch him. You weren't rude but that doesn't matter because what's important is that a band gets on well and is tight and has good relationships and that is never going to happen with this guy because he's obviously a total twat. Guitarists are a ten a penny especially for rhythm guitar so I would just get rid of him now.

We had similar in the very early days of our band where we were going to have a male singer as well as me and before he'd even turned up to a rehearsal he was having hissy fits on our WhatsApp about where we would rehearse and causing a big fuss and we just decided to let him leave. He actually took himself out of the WhatsApp in one of his fits and then we just never asked him to come back because after discussion we all agreed that we didn't want any divas in the group. We haven't missed him.

The main thing for a band is that you get on and have fun together and that you can rely on each other so he absolutely has to go.

Tbh, I left because I was just so angry and didn't want to say anything else i might regret or listen to anything else he might have said. I just needed to be on my own.

I didn't stomp off. I said I was going home and walked out normally 😉

This may have been the wake-up call he needed.

Give him one more chance.

Maybe contact him and say "I am not apologising for the way I spoke to you, as your comments to me were totally out of order and totally inappropriate. If you want to continue to be in the group, then we will draw a line under it and move on, but there are to be no more misogynistic comments, not to me or about your wife or any other female. That ends. We either respect each other or you do the activity elsewhere". Or however you would phrase it.

Sounds like you’re not having fun at the hobby any more because of him (even before this which seems to be the straw that broke the camel’s back).

I think just turn up next week and when he arrives just be a calm, cool and collected… and say, with slightly surprised tone, “John! Hello? I didn’t expect to see you here. I’m sure I told you last week to fuck off…?” Ideally try to do it in front of the others guys too so that they can see where you (still) stand on the matter.

You don’t need to say anything more. Just let there be silence if that’s how it goes.

One of the other men is a really close friend of mine and it's him I'm spoken to. The first thing I said was, "You'd better not have apologised or made excuses for me!"

He said he hadnt and that nothing had been said. It was all very quiet.
Op to be honest whatever your hobby is I think the other two are probably wondering if they’re better off without- yes that guy was awful but you sound quite on edge

I don't think she sees it the same way i do. She's messaged me this morning to ask what happened between me and him because he's been very quiet since he got home from it.

So I told her.

She said she's asked him not to tell people about her medication but he ignores her and everything's just a joke to him 🤷🏻‍♀️

Blimey!

Yep, you're well,rid. And you're totally right!

YANBU definitely, I think some who say you were being bossy as you wanted him to listen to you saying you couldn't make it have skim read your OP. You were trying to tell them useful info, not just that you weren't available.

I'd probably give him one more chance (but I'm soft ) and if he stays the same then drop him.

I think after telling him to listen once, and him ignoring, I’d have stood up and turned said amp off at socket.
not said anything
just turned off power
made my point that way

short of him being very dick ish and getting up and turning it back on it’d have worked.

Done that with my DCs when they wouldn’t listen or turn off amps, PlayStations etc. just turn bloody thing off at mains.

if he’d have asked why you turned it off I’d have simply stated “becuase someone is trying to discuss something and band etiquette means everyone stops playing when there’s a request for a discussion, and you clearly didn’t hear that request with the noise you were making. I wanted to ensure you could hear and not merely assume you did hear the request but were just being rude.”

Yeah, I can see that I might appear that way.

I'm not. Like I said, I've ever told anyone to fuck off and I can't even remember the last time I was angry.

I've probably had my fill of arsehole men though 😉

The other guy was fine with it. It was only just afterwards that he spoke to me and I was still angry. I wasn't off with him but I wanted him to know that I was serious.

No wonder Sue is on the 'happy pills' being married to this prick. You did the right thing OP. Don't give it another thought ,hopefully he will either leave the group or keep his gob shut.