Was I rude..? And what to do next?

[BassPlayerWanted]

For clarity, I don't think I was but I also don't feel comfortable about the situation two days later so I'm just looking for other perspectives.

I do an activity. The 'outing hobby I'm not going to name' 😉. There are four of us - me and three men. I'm close to two of the men. The other, I regard as a bit of a dick but he really wanted to be part of it and so I relented - that was my first mistake...

He has a partner of 3 years. Their relationship can be best described as something out of a 70s sitcom. It's all a bit she 'nags' him for being a bit useless; he responds pipe down woman. That type of thing.

Anyway, other people's relationships aren't my concern (but it's relevant) , so I'll get to the point.

The four of us met up for the activity this week. He entered the room criticising his partner in a 'lighthearted' way - she'd nearly kicked him out this week but it's OK because, "now she's back on her tablets now so she's happy again." 🙄 (this is also relevant).

So he'd already irritated me by this comment. Her medication is none of our business, neither is their shitty relationship and telling us she nearly kicked him out and framing it as a 'her' issue pissed me off. I made a comment to show I thought it was inappropriate but didn't challenge further (because not my business) and he left it.

Towards the end of the evening, I tried to say, "I'm going to be full on at work for the next few weeks so I won't be available," and to propose the next steps in lieu of that. That was it. I started to speak. The first two men looked at me to listen, he started fiddling with stuff, not listening to me and not paying attention and making noise it was impossible to be heard over. Both of the other men told him I was speaking and to stop what he was doing and listen but he carried on.

Anyway (I'll get to the actual point now!), I ended up raising my voice (over the noise so not shouting/angry but probably sounded frustrated because I was) to say, "John! (Not his name), can you listen?" I'd waited for a moment of quiet and started speaking 3 or 4 times by that point.

He turned to me and said, "Ooh, shall I get you one of Sue's (not her name) happy pills? Will that help?" With a 😁😁😁

At that point, I'd had enough of him and just saw red. So I turned to him and said, "John. Just fuck off." He replied with the usual it was 'just a joke'. I said it wasn't and that Sue might be ok with him making shitty sexist comments to her but he wasn't speaking to me like that. I packed away my stuff and walked out the room and went home. I can't remember the last time I felt that angry!

The thing is, I actually think I did do the right thing in standing up for myself but I don't think i've ever told anyone to fuck off in my life! And I just feel a bit weird/awkward about it... probably because he's likely even more convinced I need one of Sue's happy pills now! 🙄

I'm just not really sure what to do next.I didn't raise my voice and what I've recounted here is as accurate as it can be without cctv footage to refer to 👍🏻

YABU - you were rude. You should have laughed along - it was just a joke

YANBU - He's lucky that's all you said and he's twat. Get rid.

The fact it is a band is really relevant to advice because it isn't just 'a hobby' is it? If you are thinking in due course it might be a business, you need to be "working" with people that even if you don't love them aren't people you are actively hostile to or think are total twats.

You weren't unreasonable at all but I think you (all) need to get rid of John asap as it isn't a sustainable project with someone who is such a misogynist and talks to you like that.

If it was tennis or something, then it matters less because after the match is over its done. A band is more than a hobby and should be fun. It won't be fun with him so he needs to go.

GenericWoman

You make a good point. And yes, the three of us met in a gigging band. And are all either currently in (or have been in until recently) gigging bands.

They sound like some biatxhessss

Quite frankly he needs to be told to fuck off more often. What a twat.

I wouldn't want to be in a group with someone like that.

You feel weird and awkward because the world is full of men like John and we've all been raised by them to believe women shouldn't raise their voices or argue back! Obviously I'm over simplifying things and I really believe things are getting better slowly but the only way they'll continue to get better is by us all showing the John's of the world that we won't be quiet and make our way back to the kitchen. Well done for telling him to fuck off. He thoroughly deserved it, and more.

I think it is a mistake not to follow up with him. It allows him to think you were just "being a moody cow" or whatever.

I would speak to him directly..." John. I left our last practice very annoyed and fed up as I'm sure you noticed! I was angry because I am not willing to tolerate being patronised when I am quite reasonably querying your behaviour. You were asked to stop playing and listen as you all needed to know that there was no practice next week. You just carried on. I am not willing to put up with that any more. Please let's move forward now but with no more patronising comments and all of us treating each other with respect!"

His response will tell you everything! And it might instigate a very short "last chance!"

100% you were in the right! This sort of behaviour needs to be called out at every opportunity. Your only failing was that you didn’t call it out later. Don’t apologise to him or the other man you did nothing wrong.

I was only going to apologise to the other man for cutting the practice short. He'd given up his evening, paid part of the room costs and we ended up finishing with about half an hour left on the room. I wasn't going to apologise to him for what I said or saying anything.

I understand why you said it but I don’t think his wife should be drawn into your comment. Comparing yourself to her makes you look like you think you are better than her and how’s that any better than his perceived behaviour towards his wife?

I wasn't comparing myself to her. What he said about her was inapprorpiate too and I'd already told him that.

He was using her current health situation as a way of making a shitty misogynistic remark about me. I didn't draw her into it. She was the vehicle through which he was being a dick to me.

I don't think I'm better than her. I think she could do way better than him.

But I thought you said not to treat you like he is treating his girlfriend/partner- that is drawing her into as it makes it sound like she is a bit of a mug. In all honesty, she may deal with it entirely differently behind closed doors.

I did. I'd already told him his initial comment about her was inapprorpiate.

Well I've already explained that I had a conversation with her about it over the weekend and her response. Weve discussed similar previously and, seemingly, she is OK with it. I, however, am not. So it's reasonable to draw that comparison.

This is actually amazing. A man is a shit towards his partner, then weaponises her mental health to be a sexist shit towards another woman, and somehow it still becomes a woman's fault and a story of how women hate each other.

Her medication is none of our business, neither is their shitty relationship and telling us she nearly kicked him out and framing it as a 'her' issue pissed me off
But you don't know, it may well be a 'her' problem! Can I ask if you know how hard it is to live with a severely depressed partner? I am guessing from this post that you don't! It is stressful, exhausting and emotionally draining.
The 'inappropriate' comments may be we his way of coping with what is a very dark situation.
Speaking to him like a child, swearing at him, making light of and weapons ing his private life, was bang out or order OP!

Hardly, grow up! More like lack of female solidarity when there is an assumption the other woman is a bit pathetic putting up with this shit when in reality, especially if you don’t know the man very well and are not friends with him, the reality of the dynamics of their relationship is not known at all. Even putting all that bill shit aside not everyone makes the personal, political, people are not black and white in their thinking so they don’t even know themselves why they put up with something - in other people’s eyes.

Yanbu. People like him think they’re hilarious. You not only stood up for yourself but you also stood up for his poor wife too. I bet she’s sick of being at the butt of his jokes! Someone needed to let him know how annoying everyone thinks he is, so well done you.

This is just as sexist, can’t she just stick up herself; how old is she?

Again, why is Sue a victim necessarily. I didn’t realise the ages so 56!!? If the partner is a similar age, is a capable women that can do her own house up- is that what you described? Why can’t Sue just tell him herself. Do they actually live together?

I mean it’s not young and inexperienced. I thought you were all in your 20s from the descriptions and Sue was a young woman that was a victim that didn’t know any better!

OK. Well I'm not going to disclose or discuss the specifics of her medical history. Suffice to say I am aware of it.

And he is not a long suffering partne

Either way, the info I gave about her was only to give context.

And no matter what her history, it still wouldn't have made his comment to me acceptable.

It's not the first time he's made sexist remarks and not the first time he's made a dick comment to me.

He sounds unbearable but sexism comes in many shapes and forms. I’m always surprised on MN how people haven’t generally come across sexism from the men in their lives, blatant sexism is easy to highlight and reprimand but it is the indirect stuff people are convinced they absolutely have no experience of which I find to be frank- unbelievable!

It really sucks when women have a legitimate grievance and you have to reach like Mr Tickle about 12 times to try to invalidate it and still fail miserably, doesn't it? You poor, poor thing!

I haven’t a clue what you are on about- you sound very immature and very black and white with your thinking which Is self limiting when discussing a topic as complex as sexism. I don’t think it is fair to see Sue as a victim especially if she is in her late fifties so has some idea of the what kind of people inhabit this earth. If she has renovated her house she is obviously as the OP pointed out a ‘capable’ person so this doesn’t really marry with the victim status that the poor woman has been labelled with on this thread- it is patronising beyond belief!

She can and does. i and others just sometimes feel we should be visible and ensure she’s ok. I had thought that was the right thing to do but if we should all just let her be uncomfortable (and very occasionally possibly at risk) then that’s a bit of a surprise.