Was I rude..? And what to do next?

[BassPlayerWanted]

For clarity, I don't think I was but I also don't feel comfortable about the situation two days later so I'm just looking for other perspectives.

I do an activity. The 'outing hobby I'm not going to name' 😉. There are four of us - me and three men. I'm close to two of the men. The other, I regard as a bit of a dick but he really wanted to be part of it and so I relented - that was my first mistake...

He has a partner of 3 years. Their relationship can be best described as something out of a 70s sitcom. It's all a bit she 'nags' him for being a bit useless; he responds pipe down woman. That type of thing.

Anyway, other people's relationships aren't my concern (but it's relevant) , so I'll get to the point.

The four of us met up for the activity this week. He entered the room criticising his partner in a 'lighthearted' way - she'd nearly kicked him out this week but it's OK because, "now she's back on her tablets now so she's happy again." 🙄 (this is also relevant).

So he'd already irritated me by this comment. Her medication is none of our business, neither is their shitty relationship and telling us she nearly kicked him out and framing it as a 'her' issue pissed me off. I made a comment to show I thought it was inappropriate but didn't challenge further (because not my business) and he left it.

Towards the end of the evening, I tried to say, "I'm going to be full on at work for the next few weeks so I won't be available," and to propose the next steps in lieu of that. That was it. I started to speak. The first two men looked at me to listen, he started fiddling with stuff, not listening to me and not paying attention and making noise it was impossible to be heard over. Both of the other men told him I was speaking and to stop what he was doing and listen but he carried on.

Anyway (I'll get to the actual point now!), I ended up raising my voice (over the noise so not shouting/angry but probably sounded frustrated because I was) to say, "John! (Not his name), can you listen?" I'd waited for a moment of quiet and started speaking 3 or 4 times by that point.

He turned to me and said, "Ooh, shall I get you one of Sue's (not her name) happy pills? Will that help?" With a 😁😁😁

At that point, I'd had enough of him and just saw red. So I turned to him and said, "John. Just fuck off." He replied with the usual it was 'just a joke'. I said it wasn't and that Sue might be ok with him making shitty sexist comments to her but he wasn't speaking to me like that. I packed away my stuff and walked out the room and went home. I can't remember the last time I felt that angry!

The thing is, I actually think I did do the right thing in standing up for myself but I don't think i've ever told anyone to fuck off in my life! And I just feel a bit weird/awkward about it... probably because he's likely even more convinced I need one of Sue's happy pills now! 🙄

I'm just not really sure what to do next.I didn't raise my voice and what I've recounted here is as accurate as it can be without cctv footage to refer to 👍🏻

YABU - you were rude. You should have laughed along - it was just a joke

YANBU - He's lucky that's all you said and he's twat. Get rid.

@Katrinawaves

You’ve never heard of a man being described as domineering?

That poster said bossy and domineering but you only referred to domineering. I've never heard a man called 'bossy'.

Even if you have once or twice, do you really not agree that the word 'bossy' is far more often used to describe women than men?

I thought it would be a band. I’ve had similar issues with people before (without the sexism)

I try to only ever be in bands with people who aren’t dicks. Easier said than done sometimes though. You’re spot on about people making noise while you’re trying to talk and how it’s important to discuss availability as it doesn’t work with one missing.

id say life’s too short. He either needs replacing if there’s value in rhythm guitar (only you guys know this) or “letting go” if there isn’t.

I’ve been in bands for 35 years on and off. It’s a bloody minefield (and I’m a bloke so don’t have the sexist shut to deal with, I know women I’ve played with have some stories though…)

She said she's asked him not to tell people about her medication but he ignores her and everything's just a joke to him

God he's doing it even though she's specifically asked him not to. What an utter cunt. He sounds awful, not a chance I would choose to spend time with him any more at all.

Fair point. I think that probably would have been treating him like a child though! Rather than just expecting him to be an adult about it and stop himself.

Like I say, I didn't shout, I was frustrated but not angry at that point.

And he had heard (he heard the two other men too) because we all made sure we'd got his attention/waited for a brief break in what he was doing. He just ignored it.

He had his back to us too. If I thought he'd just not heard, I'd have tapped him on the shoulder.

He did hear because he turned his head to look at one of theen. He just turned back and carried on though

Cardinal band sin, playing while
people are talking!

Just because you haven’t heard the word being used of a man doesn’t mean it isn’t! It describes a particular interpersonal style and isn’t synonymous with being an effective female leader but resented because of your gender if that’s what you are intending to suggest.

Can you imagine knowing that your partner had to medicate themselves to be able to put up with you, and actually saying it out loud in front of people?

That’s such a reverse flex I don’t think I could deal with the conversation. “So John, you’re saying that she doesn’t actually like you but if she takes these pills she find it easier to pretend?” Wowsers.

Poor Sue. It’s clearly her ‘problems’ are John.

It's obviously rude to tell someone to fuck off, but I'm going with YANBU because I'd have done the same in the circumstances and I don't think it's an overreaction to his rudeness, he's a dick!

He's never played in a band before so somethings I wouldn't expect him to know/realise but that's a basic. But was wiling to give him a chance because I've heard him play on his own and he's actually OK.

But last time, he'd changed his strings before practice so spent most of the time out of tune/retuning. Stuff like that, he really should have known not to do

He's got a load of expensive kit - Gretsch and a huge pedal board 🙄 but no awareness. We have to keep telling him to turn down and that he doesn't need delay when he's just strumming chords.

I'm just having a whinge now but he'd already pissed me off musically before any of this 😬

God, I wish I'd thought of that! 🤣

So many of us have had to put up with so many "Johns" in our lives, have a round of applause and a virtual bouquet from me for doing what I have sometimes longed to do.

My god what a twat. I have also known many twats in my life.

I think you should move on without him. He will never totally stop this nonsense and he'll just wind you up. You will be SO much happier without him there.

I can imagine. The sound guys at gigs are the worst 😉

Ah he’s one of those. Not a bad player but used to being on his own so his set up sounds terrible in the mix. Can play a bit but isn’t used to interacting musically so it all jars a bit. And no idea how to behave as a professional.

what do you play by the way?

The female singer in a previous band (also played guitar and wrote all the songs) once got told if she stuck at it she could one day be a real musician like the boys in her band.

our current singer often gets creepy blokes cornering her after gigs to tell her how good she is and chatting her up. We all have to step in and make sure she’s ok far too often.

Yep, that's exactly it. And he can't hear it and doesn't really know how to use any of it. But he's been asking for a couple of years if he can join us if we start something on our own so it seemed churlish not to at the time.

Bass.

If Sue has any sisters, John had better watch himself
#BadSisters #ThePrick

Also bass here 👋🏻

I think they're in a band. OP is most likely the singer.

Read the OP's posts...

I'm too old for most of that now 🤣 but it is shit. It's sad that we need men to behave decently around us to intervene.

I do get a fair few blokes (who I know of through music but not personally) approaching me to ask if I'll collaborate with them on something or say they'd love to play with me because I'm good (musically, they're not being sleazy! 😉) Which I'm OK with!

But yeah the idea that you're the token woman or the 'female bass players are sexy' nonsense really irks.

I just did, after realising that would be a good idea. I'm sorry, usually I do, I promise.

And John is a twat.