Was I rude..? And what to do next?

[BassPlayerWanted]

For clarity, I don't think I was but I also don't feel comfortable about the situation two days later so I'm just looking for other perspectives.

I do an activity. The 'outing hobby I'm not going to name' 😉. There are four of us - me and three men. I'm close to two of the men. The other, I regard as a bit of a dick but he really wanted to be part of it and so I relented - that was my first mistake...

He has a partner of 3 years. Their relationship can be best described as something out of a 70s sitcom. It's all a bit she 'nags' him for being a bit useless; he responds pipe down woman. That type of thing.

Anyway, other people's relationships aren't my concern (but it's relevant) , so I'll get to the point.

The four of us met up for the activity this week. He entered the room criticising his partner in a 'lighthearted' way - she'd nearly kicked him out this week but it's OK because, "now she's back on her tablets now so she's happy again." 🙄 (this is also relevant).

So he'd already irritated me by this comment. Her medication is none of our business, neither is their shitty relationship and telling us she nearly kicked him out and framing it as a 'her' issue pissed me off. I made a comment to show I thought it was inappropriate but didn't challenge further (because not my business) and he left it.

Towards the end of the evening, I tried to say, "I'm going to be full on at work for the next few weeks so I won't be available," and to propose the next steps in lieu of that. That was it. I started to speak. The first two men looked at me to listen, he started fiddling with stuff, not listening to me and not paying attention and making noise it was impossible to be heard over. Both of the other men told him I was speaking and to stop what he was doing and listen but he carried on.

Anyway (I'll get to the actual point now!), I ended up raising my voice (over the noise so not shouting/angry but probably sounded frustrated because I was) to say, "John! (Not his name), can you listen?" I'd waited for a moment of quiet and started speaking 3 or 4 times by that point.

He turned to me and said, "Ooh, shall I get you one of Sue's (not her name) happy pills? Will that help?" With a 😁😁😁

At that point, I'd had enough of him and just saw red. So I turned to him and said, "John. Just fuck off." He replied with the usual it was 'just a joke'. I said it wasn't and that Sue might be ok with him making shitty sexist comments to her but he wasn't speaking to me like that. I packed away my stuff and walked out the room and went home. I can't remember the last time I felt that angry!

The thing is, I actually think I did do the right thing in standing up for myself but I don't think i've ever told anyone to fuck off in my life! And I just feel a bit weird/awkward about it... probably because he's likely even more convinced I need one of Sue's happy pills now! 🙄

I'm just not really sure what to do next.I didn't raise my voice and what I've recounted here is as accurate as it can be without cctv footage to refer to 👍🏻

YABU - you were rude. You should have laughed along - it was just a joke

YANBU - He's lucky that's all you said and he's twat. Get rid.

Oh all the gear and no idea. Typical.

Why not teach Sue a few basic chords and sack him off? That'll shut him up.

I think op without the baxkstory of him making stupid comments about his wife it would have been rude to raise your voice without at least a warning. I mean without saying it first in a normal tone. However, given the back story I totally understand why you were annoyed already. The problem is that John probably doesn't understand that his comments were uncalled for and frustrating to listen to. You'd be doing everyone, including his wife, a favour if you told him that you don't want to hear about his relationship and that the comments he makes are sexist and nasty. Of course this doesn't mean you have to be the one to.educate him. I'm just saying he pr9bably doesn't realise it.

The reason why I'm posting though is that I think it's super amazing that you are playing in a band. For some reason that really got me excited and inspired me to go back to playing an instrument that I rarely find time for th3se days.

You’re a hero

given that the other two blokes seem to be supporting the OP, I'd kick John out and not look back!

It sounds like there is hope for John tbh, if he's been quiet after his ticking off. He clearly heard you this time and has been affected by your words! I'd give him a chance to attend next practice and if he seems to be behaving better then that's a win.

I agree.

OP, This is the perfect opportunity to get rid of him from the band without an issue. You speak to the other two and say that you don't want him in the band anymore because of the number of issues that there are with him because it sounds like there are a lot. You said they will agree so then whoever is deemed to be the leader of the band messages him and says we're really sorry, but we don't think you're a good fit for the band and so we're going to continue without you. All the best for the future. No hard feelings.

Job done.

Do it now though, or you will miss your chance and you'll have to put up with him. And honestly he'll end up breaking the band up anyway if he's this awful.

If the opportunity arises tell him its no wonder his wife needs happy pills, married to him.

You were rude. Telling someone to fuck off is rude.

But there's nothing wrong with being rude when the situation warrants it. Embrace rudeness, we don't have to be nice to people all the time, especially when they're dickheads to us

0The reason why I'm posting though is that I think it's super amazing that you are playing in a band. For some reason that really got me excited and inspired me to go back to playing an instrument that I rarely find time for th3se days.

Do it!

I used to play as a child, teen and early 20s. I then had a break for over a decade when my children were small.

When I furst got back into playing, I played a different instrument in orchestras and concert bands (where I wasn't the only one on my instrument) to build my confidence playing in public back up.

And now I'm happy on stage I a group of 4. I've played in a few bands over the last 10 years and I love it!

Whatever you play, you won't regret picking it up again!

This needs a ❤️

You're right.

He likes to make jokes at his wife’s expense when she has told him not to tell people. He will be quiet because that type of person isn’t used to people telling him how it is. Well done for silencing him! 👏

@Katrinawaves

Just because you haven’t heard the word being used of a man doesn’t mean it isn’t! It describes a particular interpersonal style and isn’t synonymous with being an effective female leader but resented because of your gender if that’s what you are intending to suggest.

That's why I said it is far more often used to describe women than men, rather than saying it is never ever used to describe men.

It's strange not to acknowledge that it is a word overwhelmingly used to describe one sex more than the other. Do you really think men are called 'bossy' as often as women, when all else is equal?

Thank you on behalf of all of us who have met blokes like 'John'!

Agree with others who have sad that you should take thos chance to dump him from the band. Do it now, before you start getting gigs and he feels more ensconced. You don't need him, life will be better without him, it sounds like he needs to learn more about playing with other people, and listening to them, before being in a band anyway.
Glad his wife's been in touch and you've been able to fill her in. If I were you, I'd be inclined to give her some literature about getting out of unhealthy relationships.

Mike drop.
Absolutely brilliant.

Sorry for derailing OP.

I agree with PP that saying fuck off might be rude but some people don't deserve your politeness so YANBU!

I feel really sad for his wife. Not being able to trust your partner to keep your medical information confidential when you've specifically asked them to must feel so shit.

I hope one day she tells John to fuck off too.

Congratulations for putting a raging misogynist in his place. Naturally he will make out it was a joke and you’re the weird one with no sense of humour. That’s a classic passive aggressive response but actually he was the extremely rude one for talking over you in the first place-no doubt because you’re a woman and he doesn’t think your point valuable.

Men like this dinosaur need telling. What a prick.

Well done, OP. You stepped up and went out of your comfort zone when the situation demanded it. Put it behind you and don't dwell on it.
I am also impressed at your correct use of practice and practising 🙂

I think you did the right thing.

I'd maybe considering following up with a text directly to him and say something like its a shame about the need to have cross words last time and that you'd like to put it behind you and move forward and hope that at the next session everyone is clear on the need to listen and focus on the task in hand without bringing home issues to the session.

That way you are definitely not apologising and you are setting clear behaviour expectations and asserting yourself in an "I was here first and you'll fall in line" role, much like you would if your toddler had been a PITA at soft play.

Equally you could just leave it and see how it goes.

This! You did exactly the right thing and I bet they were cheering you on. He sounds appalling.

You missed the most effective comeback of all, OP - next time wait for quiet and then ask calmly "Is there a reason you're choosing to behave like this?"

It leaves them with no option but to shut up or come out with something even more offensive, which puts them right where they belong in others' estimation

The highest of high fives to you!

I’ve never seen a man being described as bossy and domineering, no. I think you just don’t see your own gender bias, which is quite sad.

Why on earth would you think you were being unreasonable? You don't always have to be polite when responding to people who are rude. Sometimes a taste of their own medicine lets you get it out of your system and serves them right.

Shut down the male chauvinist pig.... YANBU! Good work!

I said at the start I didn't think I was but, because I still felt uncomfortable about it, I was trying to work out if my discomfort was because I had been so or because i wasn't used to standing up for myself! 🤦🏻‍♀️