To be annoyed at SIL-to-be?

[CableCar]

My brother and I are your average siblings. We get along, see each other a couple of times a year, chat about the important things, always celebrate birthdays with gifts to one another etc.

My brother is getting married and my SIL-to-be has no interest in involving my family in the wedding. Neither me nor my DC (primary aged children) have been asked to be part of the bridal party, which is a bit of a shame for my DC as they're little and would make cute flower girls / page boy etc, but it's not my wedding, so that's fair enough.

However I just found out that I haven't been invited to her hen party, which is at a spa. Now I personally think that as sister of the groom it is etiquette to invite me... I am a bit offended as I'd have hoped to have come along to her hen party to celebrate - she will be my SIL after all! If this is how their wedding is going I am starting to feel like she doesn't value me, nor care for my brother's family. My mum hasn't been invited either. AIBU? All the hen weekends I have EVER been on have always included the close family on both sides of the wedding party, not just the bride.

It bothers me as it makes me think she doesn't particularly care for me!

YANBU - it's a bit rude to not invite you

YABU - it's her hen do, let her do as she pleases

It’s rude not to invite you but I voted yabu as like you said it’s her wedding.

not that I agree with what she’s done but… what can you do? Just try and keep the peace for your relationship with your brother.

I didn’t have my mil at my proper hen but had a smaller one at home she came to.

Do either you or your mum have a friendship with her? If you don’t particularly then I really can’t see why it’s an issue not to have invited you or your mum. I go out of my way to avoid hen parties in general, but the two I had no option but to go (for very specific reasons) no one’s parents or siblings-in-law were there at all.

Has she invited her own mum/sisters to the hen, or just friends? Is she only having adult bridesmaids?

Blimey, I didn’t even consider inviting my in laws. Didn’t even know that was a thing, It wasn’t a slur on them.

She probably wants to have fun day, not overthinking how her MIL and you will judge how much she drinks, what she laughs about etc.
Imo inviting only your friends to your hen do is amazing.
If you wamt a day at the spa with your mum book one.

Personally I wouldn't want my MIL and SIL at my hen do but I would suggest doing a nice afternoon tea as a hen event (with bridesmaids)

YABU!!! The hen do is a celebration for the hen, with her friends. Every hen I have been on, including my own, was ALL friends, no family unless they were ALSO CLOSE, we went away or got shit faced on a night out and had a great time.

There is NO way I could have had fun with my in laws!! What batshit idea of a hen do is it when you have to invite in laws???

And DH involved his family on our wedding day. That was his job (which he did do and everyone was happy).

Doesn't sound like you're actual friends. I would only want friends at my hen do.

Also, no point in saying "so that's fair enough" while being obviously annoyed. Their wedding, their choices.

I have three brothers and none of their wives invited me to their hen parties. Why should they? I wasn't a close or long-time friend of any of them at the time so having me there would have changed the dynamic.

I'd be delighted to be as uninvolved as possible, brilliant, less hassle for me. Are you involved in their lives much? Mine both live hundreds of miles away so I wouldn't expect an invitation but if you see each other regularly then maybe it's a bit weird.

Doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship with her so I don't know why you'd want or expect to be invited?

Yes, exactly this.

Hen do - fine, it's not like you are friends

Involving your DC - that's your brother's fault. He is perfectly capable of telling his bride that he wants them.

Having been in her position, my DH insisted on the flower girls. Which was fine but we both regretted it as they upstaged us in every photo by being so bloody cute.

You said yourself you see your brother a couple of times a year. Clearly you are not that close, how well do you and future SIL even know each other? Also it is up to your brother to involve his family in the wedding if he wants to.

I don't think she has to invite the groom's family to her hen. Maybe she can't relax if you're all there.

Don't go above and beyond for her.

Well my SIL didn't even invite me to her wedding, and I had been married to her brother for twenty-odd years, let alone her hen do...

It would have been nice if your side of the family could have had a role at the wedding though. SIL didn't do that either even though she demanded to be a bridesmaid at our wedding before I'd had the chance to ask (I was going to, for the sake of form!)

Saves you the hassle and expense. You know where you stand. You're probably never going to have a close relationship with this one.

I agree, am flummoxed by the ops position , hurt and reading so much into it. There is over sensitive and then there is this.

Yabu. She is the bride - why would she want the grooms side of the family in the bridal party?? Weird. Your BIL should include them if he can be bothered. Same with the hen do. It's meant to be HER friends and family not his unless she happens to be really close to them.

Maybe she wants to relax with friends rather than think about whether it’s etiquette to invite certain people? And if you see them twice a year (which is far far less than I see my siblings) then she’s met you a handful of times. Why should you or your DC be in the bridal party? Maybe she has relatives on her own side she’d prefer or maybe she doesn’t want flower girls. And the hen parties I’ve been to have only included the grooms sisters and mum if the bride was close to them. Oh apart from one of my friends - she invited sister of the groom because she thought she had to and SOG spent the whole evening getting shitfaced and then loudly crying because she thought she’d never get married. She pulled similar shit at the wedding. My friend is now divorced and happy to be away from that weird family.

You barely know her so why would she want to go to a spa with you? It's just so odd to get upset about this

You only see them a couple of times a year?

Do you have a relationship with her by phone/message?

There is no way in hell I would have invited my mum or my MIL to my hen!

I didn't invite my SIL-to-be to my hen do - didn't occur to me, as I just had friends - and we still get on just fine 35 years later so I wouldn't overthink it!

YABU, I've seen both over the years and wouldn't think anything of it. I think it's nice to invite the in-laws, and typically the better choice but if you're not close or don't get on then it's fine not too.

The groom's sister wouldn't typically be in the wedding party (although, again, lovely gesture to make) and flower girls often come from the bride's side.

Fair enough if you're a bit miffed, but don't make an issue of it. Feelings run high around weddings and if you're the one seen to be making trouble it'll have consequences long past the wedding. Turn up, smile, congratulate them and then take it from there.

I didn't invite my SIL to be to my hen do, nor my MIL to be. I love them loads but they didn't know anyone going nor do they do the sorts of things we were planning on doing. It was all friends and my mam at mine. My mam is my best friend.